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Original poster

Husband had sex with his cousin...

161 replies

user1479512536 · 25/11/2016 23:54

I have written on here before about my husbands intimacy issues and our relationship on the whole. Just a quick recap before I get into the title of the thread:

My partner and I have been together for 3 years, in our early twenties with an infant young son. Our sex life is pretty much non-existent, it has got to the point where we rarely have it at all anymore. We have had it 2 times in the past 3 months.

When we do have sex it is very wooden. He is not interested in oral, touching or trying anything new. Just bog-standard stick it in. Most of the time I do not orgasm as he doesn't like to touch me or give oral. He will often finish and then just roll over and go to sleep. I have suggested many things that we could try and he always rejects them. At first I thought it was due to his porn use, he stopped using porn around a year ago but nothing has changed. It's like he is just totally disinterested in me.

I've tried to talk to him about it, I have asked him what is wrong and if there is anything he would like to do. He gives me many different explanations each time including: 'I don't like touching vaginas' 'My type is asians, blondes and larger women' 'You are obsessed with sex, there is no issue'. Many more I can list but these are the ones that come to mind.

ANYWAY so tonight I opened up the discussion yet again about our lack of sex and the quite frankly crap sex we do have on rare occasions. I asked him if he had been abused in the past, as this could be an explanation for his aversion to sex. He told me that when he was around 15, he had a sort of fling with his 2nd cousin who was 14 at the time. He had seen this cousin regularly throughout his childhood. They would flirt, cuddle and on one occasion she came into his bedroom and began playing with him under the covers and got him to play with her. He said he stopped because it felt weird.

I am quite frankly disgusted. I have met this cousin too on several occasions and I just cannot get my head around this. I really do not feel like I can continue the relationship at this point. I am also quite concerned to leave my son with him after this revelation.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
RepentAtLeisure · 26/11/2016 11:12

Literally everything else in your OP was worse than the cousin thing! You deserve so much better than this. Who knows if he's gay or not, it's certainly a possibility, but again it's almost an irrelevance. You are married to a man who doesn't make you happy and is incapable of pleasing you sexually. Life's too short...

randomer · 26/11/2016 11:34

get professional help

SmallTownTwirl · 26/11/2016 11:40

The cousin thing is not why he won't touch you.

To be in a relationship and say to somebody ''blondes are my type, asians are my type, women with larger breasts are my type''. It's so objectifying. Like sex is totally disconnected from a relationship. You're just not his 'type'.

Well maybe your type is 6 foot 1 men who are in excellent shape with piercing blues eyes and black hair and a golden tan.
fgs.

the cousin thing a red herring.

SmallTownTwirl · 26/11/2016 11:43

i think he told you that story about the cousin to get you to cut him slack and stop trying to make him be normal.

Booboo66 · 26/11/2016 11:45

Has he always disliked touching vaginas or is this a relit overly new thing? What about when you first got together? Sorry if it's already been asked, haven't read the full thread.

Booboo66 · 26/11/2016 11:46

*Relatively

pringlecat · 26/11/2016 11:51

He doesn't like vaginas, shows no interest in sex, makes feeble excuses to avoid intimacy and yet somehow has a wife and child. He sounds like a closet gay who got married to a woman because he thought it was the done thing. Is his family old-fashioned and/or religious?

TheGhostOfTroubledJoe · 26/11/2016 12:35

So you asked your husband if he had been abused and he described a situation in which he felt that he was abused. Is it not possible that the teenage incident is behind the unusual attitude towards sex as an adult?

roxysmummy1 · 26/11/2016 13:15

I'll never understand why women direct the anger towards other women.Hmm

They didn't do anything wrong it was experimenting as far as I'm concerned.

He doesn't like vaginas....your answer is there, it's not his cousins fault, he's clearing getting his kicks elsewhere if you ask me.

Stop directing your anger at his cousin and take a really hard look at him. Take a step back and you'll see.

KatherinaMinola · 26/11/2016 13:18

The cousin issue is a complete red herring - it isn't even an issue.

Everything else in your post is, though.

JustSpeakSense · 26/11/2016 13:27

The cousin thing is not even an issue, many teenagers experiment with family friends or cousins it's pretty common.

However, your unsatisfying sex life and his lack of concern for your needs is very worrying.

I would insist on counselling or I would be leaving the marriage.

Original poster
user1479512536 · 26/11/2016 13:30

Wow there are so many comments here, apologies I cannot reply to them all.

I was ready to leave before the cousin revelation, and yes I do think he may have said that as a cover up or excuse. All I have been trying to do for the last 18 months is find out why he has these sexual aversions. It is very difficult when you get a different answer every time. I have been more than reasonable listening and trying to understand each time he says something new.

I do not blame the cousin nor do I direct any malice towards her. She is the least of my priorities. All I am concerned about is that this could have affected his attitude towards sex now, and yes I do find it inappropriate and wrong. However he told me this morning (I had calmed down and had slept on it) that it was consensual. They had been flirting/cuddling for months and it culminated in the masturbation, so no I do not believe he feels he was abused. More that he did something he feels was wrong and gross.

I don't think there is a reason behind why he is the way he is. He could be gay, maybe was abused, maybe is asexual (although masturbates and used to watch porn). Who knows, maybe even he doesn't.

I just wanted to see what the general opinion was on this whole cousin malarky and if this could have impacted him today. I would like to help him, even if we are not going to be together he is still the father of my child.

OP posts:
EnormousTiger · 26/11/2016 13:45

If you persuaded him to take viagra the problems might go away actually. Is there a simple soluiont like that? Some larger men find if they get their weight down to 10 stone they are more than uop for sex again too. Perhaps he should go on a run every day and do stuff that gets testosterone roaring again.

VestalVirgin · 26/11/2016 14:14

If you persuaded him to take viagra the problems might go away actually.

No. Haven't you read her posts? He masturbates and they do have sex where he sticks it in.
Viagra is against erectile dysfunction, it affects the body.

The aversion to touching vulvas is clearly in his mind, and it is not going to go away with medication.

Perhaps he is gay, perhaps he is just soaked in the misogyny of the culture we live in.

It doesn't really matter. This is clearly not a healthy relationship.

OP, I do not see why this thing with his cousin should mean he cannot be trusted with children. But if you feel you cannot trust him, then perhaps you should try to find out why that is, and what you fear he could do to the child.

Vagabond · 26/11/2016 15:31

He sounds awful. Dump him. Why would you tether yourself to such an ingrate?

Branleuse · 26/11/2016 15:45

you and your husband are incompatible, but thats got nothing to do with him having a fumble with his second cousin, surely. Its to do with the fact hes not into you (or anyone with a vagina thats not on a screen)

If the cousin thing gives you strength and reason to leave a shit relationship though, then thats good

RepentAtLeisure · 26/11/2016 16:18

I would like to help him, even if we are not going to be together he is still the father of my child.

Don't be a fixer-woman. You can't fix him. It will just suck up more of your energy. If he wants help with anything, he's a grown adult, he can access help himself.

JustDanceAddict · 26/11/2016 16:23

I wouldn't be concerned re the cousin issue, more his aversion to sex.

SmallTownTwirl · 26/11/2016 16:26

Also, a second cousin, that's what we in our family like to call "a total stranger"

Lweji · 26/11/2016 16:31

You think he was abused at 15 by his 14 year old female second cousin? Hmm

I'd call it experimenting.

As others, I don't think that has nothing to do with his attitude towards sex with you.
If you want out, get out. That episode is not relevant.

SandyY2K · 26/11/2016 17:18

His not being interested in pleasing you has nothing to do with his interaction with his cousin.

You don't need to help him with sex if you aren't together, as that has nothing to do with his parenting.

If his type is everything you aren't, then that could be the answer. Maybe he's just a rubbish lover, so he prefers to masturbate.

KindDogsTail · 26/11/2016 17:47

It is quite common for young cousins to feel drawn to each other and have sexual contact. The perfect opportunity is there when family gets together. I am not saying its right, but the adults around are not on the alert for it because they think of them being like brothers and sisters. It could indeed leave them feeling guilty later.

FirstShinyRobe · 26/11/2016 17:55

How/why did you get together in the first place, OP? He doesn't sound very nice.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/11/2016 18:10

Could be worse

user1480182169 · 26/11/2016 18:12

I just find his whole attitude towards sex, sexual relations, past history very f*ed up. His attitude towards vaginas

Yep, thats all pretty fucked up.

You've clearly got some issues of your own though from your reaction to his "revelation" as you put it.