Husband had sex with his cousin...

[user1479512536]

I have written on here before about my husbands intimacy issues and our relationship on the whole. Just a quick recap before I get into the title of the thread:

My partner and I have been together for 3 years, in our early twenties with an infant young son. Our sex life is pretty much non-existent, it has got to the point where we rarely have it at all anymore. We have had it 2 times in the past 3 months.

When we do have sex it is very wooden. He is not interested in oral, touching or trying anything new. Just bog-standard stick it in. Most of the time I do not orgasm as he doesn't like to touch me or give oral. He will often finish and then just roll over and go to sleep. I have suggested many things that we could try and he always rejects them. At first I thought it was due to his porn use, he stopped using porn around a year ago but nothing has changed. It's like he is just totally disinterested in me.

I've tried to talk to him about it, I have asked him what is wrong and if there is anything he would like to do. He gives me many different explanations each time including: 'I don't like touching vaginas' 'My type is asians, blondes and larger women' 'You are obsessed with sex, there is no issue'. Many more I can list but these are the ones that come to mind.

ANYWAY so tonight I opened up the discussion yet again about our lack of sex and the quite frankly crap sex we do have on rare occasions. I asked him if he had been abused in the past, as this could be an explanation for his aversion to sex. He told me that when he was around 15, he had a sort of fling with his 2nd cousin who was 14 at the time. He had seen this cousin regularly throughout his childhood. They would flirt, cuddle and on one occasion she came into his bedroom and began playing with him under the covers and got him to play with her. He said he stopped because it felt weird.

I am quite frankly disgusted. I have met this cousin too on several occasions and I just cannot get my head around this. I really do not feel like I can continue the relationship at this point. I am also quite concerned to leave my son with him after this revelation.

Thoughts?

[beatricerosamund]

Four times a year isn't a lot to be honest user.

[InTheKitchenAtParties]

Gay, straight or whatever user. Fact is, he doesn't sound very nice at all. I'm hoping everything works out for you.

[user1479512536]

I used to see my cousins less than that, maybe 2 times a year and the thought repulses me. They were family members. They were referred to as family. Family family family.

[beatricerosamund]

The thing is user I can understand someone saying 'the thought of having sex with my cousins is repulsive' but you seem to have deeper issues than that.

I've got absolutely loads of second cousins most of whom I've never met. I don't give them a minutes thought.

[user1479512536]

I guess it is one of those things that people will disagree on, depending on different morals/opinions...

[PenguinsandPebbles]

I'm with you on the cousin thing too OP, I wouldn't want my children to do this with their cousins.

Anyway, this aside - as it's the last thing on a very long list (I've seen your other thread) this man is an arsehole, you deserve better. Your young you have your entire life ahead of you, you don't need to put up with this anymore.

You need to focus now on how to move away.

But I think you know this

[user1479512536]

And the issue here isn't 'my 2nd cousin I have never met' 'my 2nd cousin I could meet at a bar unknowingly and sleep with'.

The issue for me is they were brought up as family. They went to family events. They saw each other with their parents, aunties, uncles, grandparents. It's not like they didn't know they were family. Or they weren't close.

Thats the part I find difficult to comprehend. That you can be brought up with someone, know them as a close family member and want to masturbate them.

[BastardGoDarkly]

I'd lay money the blokes gay.

I'm glad you're moving on OP, this relationship is irreversibly fucked.

[Bambooshoots14]

Reported

[deadringer]

Two of my friends are married to their first cousins. Wouldn't be my choice but no one i know has a problem with it. However your dp sounds horrible and i think you would be far better off without him.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

I have a friend who's married to her first cousin. I was a bit at first but it is a happy, enduring marriage and it works brilliantly.
The quick fumble with a second cousin that you relate sounds irrelevant to your relationship. Your DP has some stuff going on. It could be he doesn't fancy you, he might have issues he isn't talking about etc. I doubt the second cousin fumble is the root of your problems and focussing on that won't help.
Realistically he either comes clean or you break up

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Is your name Bernadette Rostenkowski-Wolowitz by any chance?

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Sometimes people themselves don't know or can't admit for a really long time that they might be gay.

[user1479512536]

I just wish I knew the answer. Because at the moment I have no explanation for why he is acting this way. It would be a huge relief it he were gay because then I would have a reason behind his actions.

I am just trying to get to the root of his problems, but I don't think I ever will.

[VoodooPeople]

user

They saw each other 4 times a year or less, that isn't 'close family' in my book.

Anyway, 2nd cousin teenage fumble (not cousin as stated in your OP) aside, I'm sure you've posted a thread about this before and were roundly told he was probably gay and LTB?

He's leaving so I'm not sure what this thread is about.

[VoodooPeople]

^^ not the (2nd) cousin part but the other part about your sex life, or lack of it

[Cricrichan]

You're the wrong sex for your oh. Can't imagine any straight man not wanting to touch vaginas. Forget about the cousin thing, that's irrelevant, and get on with your life without him.

[PeteSwotatoes]

OP you could make it your life's work to analyse this man and find the root cause of his fuckery. The question you should ask yourself is: would it change anything?

If you need to dig that deep in someone, if they're not willing to do the work themselves, if they're happy to take sex from you and give nothing back for three years - why bother, quite frankly?

Just let the arsehole go.

Even if he was abused, it doesn't excuse this shit, and he has no intention of changing, nor any respect for you.

[GabsAlot]

he doesnt like vaginas theres the problem not his cousin

[Moodybuggle]

I'm as an adult repulsed by the idea of getting jiggy with my cousins who I saw a similar amount of times a year and would see as being "almost" siblings

But when I was 12 I decided I fancied one of them when someone told me it was legal and you could marry them etc and it was quite a crush. I don't think you can judge an adult on childhood experiments. I do think if I had ever fooled around with one during this stage it would have left me with some issues.

I don't think it's a total red herring this sexual experience

[SaltyBitch]

For me my cousins were my family. Like brothers or sisters.

Newsflash. Not everybody is the same as you, and just because you think so doesn't make it wrong.

He's fine. The bigger issue is your lack of sexual compatibility. Which has nothing to do with the cousin.

[zippey]

Lots of people have sex with their cousins. Quite prevalent through-out the world. The royal family frequently have cousin sex (Queen Victoria, George the first and fourth, William the third... etc)

[TheStoic]

You said he stopped because it felt weird. So he is actually on the same page as you when it comes to cousin-love.

But...he is not interested in YOU sexually. You can think and analyse and wonder why as much as you like, but it's as simple as that.

[Ivechangedmyname1]

I'm married to my first cousin, just because he had a fumble in the sheets as a teenager with his cousin does not mean he will do anything to your son. I'm glad you see that was a stupid comment.

Frankly you sound overbearing and seem to want to find any reason to pressure him into having sex.

[nooka]

I think it's interesting that the cousin conversation came up when the OP asked him if he had been abused. She says that he said the cousin 'got him to play with her'. Given that he has issues with touching vaginas I'd say that might actually be quite relevant.

Not that it makes much difference really, this is a guy who doesn't like sex, at least with the OP, and she quite reasonably finds that a deal breaker. So time to move on.

[Joysmum]

I'm with many of the other posters.

I find it strange you're more disgusted at the second cousin relations than the fact that he doesn't find vaginas or you attractive and sees no issue with using you to fuck and happy to leave you unsatisfied. There's nothing you can do to change that and he doesn't see and problem. You either accept it and stay or wake up and realise you deserve better.