Husband had sex with his cousin...

[user1479512536]

I have written on here before about my husbands intimacy issues and our relationship on the whole. Just a quick recap before I get into the title of the thread:

My partner and I have been together for 3 years, in our early twenties with an infant young son. Our sex life is pretty much non-existent, it has got to the point where we rarely have it at all anymore. We have had it 2 times in the past 3 months.

When we do have sex it is very wooden. He is not interested in oral, touching or trying anything new. Just bog-standard stick it in. Most of the time I do not orgasm as he doesn't like to touch me or give oral. He will often finish and then just roll over and go to sleep. I have suggested many things that we could try and he always rejects them. At first I thought it was due to his porn use, he stopped using porn around a year ago but nothing has changed. It's like he is just totally disinterested in me.

I've tried to talk to him about it, I have asked him what is wrong and if there is anything he would like to do. He gives me many different explanations each time including: 'I don't like touching vaginas' 'My type is asians, blondes and larger women' 'You are obsessed with sex, there is no issue'. Many more I can list but these are the ones that come to mind.

ANYWAY so tonight I opened up the discussion yet again about our lack of sex and the quite frankly crap sex we do have on rare occasions. I asked him if he had been abused in the past, as this could be an explanation for his aversion to sex. He told me that when he was around 15, he had a sort of fling with his 2nd cousin who was 14 at the time. He had seen this cousin regularly throughout his childhood. They would flirt, cuddle and on one occasion she came into his bedroom and began playing with him under the covers and got him to play with her. He said he stopped because it felt weird.

I am quite frankly disgusted. I have met this cousin too on several occasions and I just cannot get my head around this. I really do not feel like I can continue the relationship at this point. I am also quite concerned to leave my son with him after this revelation.

Thoughts?

[user1837559372496]

I agree that the cousin thing is a red
herring. His attitude to a sexual relationship with you is the real issue.

I do think you are doing him a disservice
about his cousin though. Firstly he mentioned it when asked about abuse. Secondly, you are expecting him to have acted according to your moral compass as a teenager, in a situation he now thinks of as abusive, years before he met you.

It's like two people being vegetarians and then one not wanting to be with the other because their parents made them eat meat as a teenager.

[HappyJanuary]

I think it's a shame you asked him about abuse, but reacted very badly when he confided in you about this incident.

As others have said, a teenage fumble with a cousin you barely know, instigated by her and stopped by him, isn't something most people would get quite so worked up about.

But if he doesn't want sex with you, and that's a problem for you, then you're right to end the relationship.

[Sneakynamechage]

joysmum he's hardly used her too fuck! Twice in three months, and it only sounds like them two times happened because OP kept moaning about the lack of sex life.
I think you know you need to walk away, but to tell people the relationship is ending due to a rough patch in your sex life will raise a few eyebrows. So your clinging to the cousin thing.

[roundaboutthetown]

A 2nd cousin you only see four times a year seems like a safe person to experiment with, in the young teenage mind. I doubt she is the cause of his dislike of your vagina.

[MargotLovedTom]

He didn't instigate the cousin fumble which ended up making him feel weird. His hand was literally forced. Yes, he sounds crap in the sack and as a husband, and you're obviously not compatible, but to repeatedly blame him and express revulsion for something which was done to him as a kid is unfair.

[Fluffycloudland77]

Gay.

Straight men quite like touching vaginas.

[Musiclife]

I know two first cousins married with a child. Everybody just accepts it.

I don't think he likes women though.

[Musiclife]

I mean your partner doesn't like women.

[ScarletForYa]

Gay.

[Mindtrope]

I have two full cousins who are married to each other and have kids.

Your OH is awful for other reasons however.

[BakeOffBiscuits]

You seem very blinkered Op

Your H is telling you he doesn't want sex with you and doesn't fancy you, yet you're worried about him having a teenage fumble with a distant relative

All very strange.

[P1nkP0ppy]

My first thought is that he's gay and probably having casual meet ups.

He's freaky.

[Kennington]

He sounds confused.
Sleeping with cousins isn't uncommon nor illegal, although not really recommended - inbreeding in the royal family never did them any good.
I think the cousin isn't the problem and you probably know that already.

[Rochefort]

OP
I am with you on the cousin thing (but my parents are greek and its illegal over there as cousins are considered only a small place behind siblings). However the cousin thing is a huge red herring and should have NO bearing on this situation. For whatever reasons he has weird fucked up views about sex. You are young and should not have to put up with this. Find a way to try and separate amicably then find a man who wants to make you and your vagina happy

[Emberfirefly]

I'd be more concerned with him not wanting to touch vaginas than him telling you he'd had a fumble with his cousin as a teenager. I think he's trying to tell you something OP - wake up and smell the coffee.

[RaspberryOverloadTheFirst]

My thought is that he's gay, and the cousin thing had disturbed him because he's gay and it wasn't instigated by him.

[Vagndidit]

I agree with the others. This issue is sooo not about The Cousin.

He's just not that into you, and by you I mean WOMEN.

[christmaswreaths]

Oh my God, I fancied one of my older cousins something chronic when I was a teenager and he often told me one day he would marry me! Never touched each other but would have given half a chance!!

Nothing weird about that at all in my opinion!!

[MrsRyanGosling15]

I'm with you OP. Cousins 1st/2nd whatever are classed as family. Family do not have sex with each other. Ever.

[DeleteOrDecay]

I'm with you op, the cousin thing would feel weird to me too. But I agree with other posters who say that's not the issue here.

It sounds to me like he has gotten far to used to the instant gratification of porn and in turn this has affected his real life sex life. He doesn't want to touch your vagina because it's too much effort for him and he has it in his head that sex is all about pleasing him rather than it being a joint effort. The way he states he's not attracted to you because he only likes Asians, blondes and overweight women would be incredibly hurtful too, he is basically saying that you're not good enough. His mind has been warped by porn and sadly he believes all this is perfectly normal and acceptable way to treat someone you are supposed to be in a loving relationship with.

That's my take on it anyway. You can certainly do much better than him op.

[Simonneilsbeard]

The root of his problems are.
A) he doesn't like touching vaginas
B) you're not his type
He's told you the problems. Why would you then push for more asking if he was abused? I think you need to accept he just doesn't like vaginas and let him go.

[EnormousTiger]

Second cousin is pretty remote. First cousin marriages are very very common indeed sadly as they lead to genetic disabilities. In fact just last night my son was telling me his friend at school says genetic tests are routinely done in their community (wise them ) because of the inter breeding risks.

Isn't it something like 25% of disabilities of some areas near Leeds caused by the 5% who are in first cousin marriages - Pakistani/Indian etc.

More importantly your husband is not wanting much or any sex and that's not acceptable. If he does not see it as a problem then that's even worse.

Has he said what would arouse him or asked you what you need? You aren't married and haev a small child. I hope you earn more money than your other half as if not you are at financial risk more than risk of not enough sex in my view so do sort out all the money stuff like wills, cohabitation agreements and all the rest.

[Blackbird82]

OP it's perfectly ok if you're bothered about the cousin fumble. I know a lot of people think it's fine but you don't, that's also fine and you don't need to justify why.

Ok so he's denied being gay which really only leaves one other possibility, which is that he's just not attracted to you. This may be hard to come to terms with and it's hurtful but perhaps if you just asked him outright, at least you would have an answer and closure. Then you can concentrate on moving on and I'm sure you will find someone else in time, who is far more deserving of you.

[Bluntness100]

This was just two teenagers messing around and experimenting, I also can't see why you're so hung up on it. Personally I'd see it as no more than that, clearly uou kmow the cousin as an adult woman, are you in some way jealous and that's why you're reacting so extremely to the fact they fooled around as teenagers?

Anyways, if he's going to move out then the relationship,is pretty much over, why spend more time fretting?