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Original poster

Husband had sex with his cousin...

161 replies

user1479512536 · 25/11/2016 23:54

I have written on here before about my husbands intimacy issues and our relationship on the whole. Just a quick recap before I get into the title of the thread:

My partner and I have been together for 3 years, in our early twenties with an infant young son. Our sex life is pretty much non-existent, it has got to the point where we rarely have it at all anymore. We have had it 2 times in the past 3 months.

When we do have sex it is very wooden. He is not interested in oral, touching or trying anything new. Just bog-standard stick it in. Most of the time I do not orgasm as he doesn't like to touch me or give oral. He will often finish and then just roll over and go to sleep. I have suggested many things that we could try and he always rejects them. At first I thought it was due to his porn use, he stopped using porn around a year ago but nothing has changed. It's like he is just totally disinterested in me.

I've tried to talk to him about it, I have asked him what is wrong and if there is anything he would like to do. He gives me many different explanations each time including: 'I don't like touching vaginas' 'My type is asians, blondes and larger women' 'You are obsessed with sex, there is no issue'. Many more I can list but these are the ones that come to mind.

ANYWAY so tonight I opened up the discussion yet again about our lack of sex and the quite frankly crap sex we do have on rare occasions. I asked him if he had been abused in the past, as this could be an explanation for his aversion to sex. He told me that when he was around 15, he had a sort of fling with his 2nd cousin who was 14 at the time. He had seen this cousin regularly throughout his childhood. They would flirt, cuddle and on one occasion she came into his bedroom and began playing with him under the covers and got him to play with her. He said he stopped because it felt weird.

I am quite frankly disgusted. I have met this cousin too on several occasions and I just cannot get my head around this. I really do not feel like I can continue the relationship at this point. I am also quite concerned to leave my son with him after this revelation.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 26/11/2016 09:05

I think he's spineless.
Sex with cousins, fancying other types of women & not liking vaginas are all smoke screens.
I don't think he's gay, I just don't think he's into you.

Joysmum · 26/11/2016 09:15

joysmum he's hardly used her too fuck! Twice in three months, and it only sounds like them two times happened because OP kept moaning about the lack of sex life

That's 3 months out of 3 years. The OP hasn't been satisfied by the sex they've had prior to then either.

pinkhorse · 26/11/2016 09:22

I have cousins that are married to each other and have 4 kids. It's not illegal

Snowflake65 · 26/11/2016 09:27

Cousins that you see four times a year are hardly 'close' family. I grew up with children of my parent's friends that I was closer to than cousins and nobody would bat an eyelid if we had dated.

I don't think that is the issue in your relationship OP.

Moodybuggle · 26/11/2016 09:29

People are missing the point - it's not illegal and in some cultures it's perfectly normal to marry cousins. The people who find it peculiar are those who saw their cousins as "virtually" siblings because that leaps straight into taboo territory and incest

But anyways it looks like the relationship is over and I'm not sure finding any other reason than it just simply not working anymore will bring OP any more closure

DollyPlastic · 26/11/2016 09:31

What even are second cousins?

MadMags · 26/11/2016 09:37

OP has said repeatedly that they were close as family members when they were younger.

It's gross. I don't care if it's legal!

But OP there are loads of people on here whose parents etc are cousins and even though it is skin-crawling, they will defend it.

It doesn't really matter what anyone thinks, though. If you're not happy with it, or in your relationship, then your feelings are valid and important.

I'm glad you acknowledge the overreaction about your son. That's an awful thing to think about someone!

He could be gay. He could be seeing someone else. He could be asexual. Who knows?

The relationship sounds bad. You're young. I think it's time to end it and move on.

stumblymonkey · 26/11/2016 09:38

Sorry OP...I agree with some previous posters.

The cousin thing is a red herring, it's not the real issue here.

The issue is that he doesn't want to have sex with you. He hasn't said that it's because of a low libido he's basically said it's because you're not his type.

I think, unfortunately, he just doesn't want to have sex with you because he doesn't want to have sex with you.

There's nothing more to it than that...he's not gay, he's not confused because he had a fumble with a second cousin, etc.

Either you accept you are just companions now or you walk away.

randomer · 26/11/2016 09:50

This reply has been deleted

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SuperFlyHigh · 26/11/2016 09:53

I think he's not that into you... It happens...

If not then he's gay.

Cousin sex isn't terrible either, it's maybe not the norm but certainly not awful.

WeAllHaveWings · 26/11/2016 09:56

The cousin thing is a bit ickky but nothing more so forget it. You have much much bigger issues to focus on.

Ohyesiam · 26/11/2016 09:56

He sound asexual, and you deserve someone who fancies you, and appreciates you, and is warm towards you.

M00nUnit · 26/11/2016 09:58

DollyPlastic second cousins are the children of your parent's first cousins.

Olympiathequeen · 26/11/2016 10:05

I would be more concerned if he was the one that initiated it, but he didn't and saying it felt weird was probably meaning he felt uncomfortable with it. Totally normal reaction. Would it have been different if it had been a school friend? Seeing someone 4 times a year hardly makes them close.

I think you are obsessing about this for no good reason when the real issue is the generally poor relationship you are in. Frankly I would ask him to go. Sounds an awful setup

Libitina · 26/11/2016 10:09

OP, you are focusing on the wrong thing here. The problem isn't him (legally) fooling around with his cousin in the distant past. The problem is either he doesn't love you or he is not being honest with you about his sexuality. Is he gay?

Either way, I think your marriage needs a long hard look at. Not his cousin.

Blu · 26/11/2016 10:10

Telling you 'his type' and he 'doesn't like touching vaginas' tells you everything. That he had no respect for you, and a revulsion for physical intimacy.

It also tells you nothing: WHY he is like this.

He has no apparent wish to change anything (except perhaps your supposed obsession with sex) , you are not happy (hardly surprising) , so....

Sorry, OP, it does sound wretched. For the way he speaks to you as well as the lack of love through sex.

Blu · 26/11/2016 10:12

But meant to say if he has no will to change, then the 'why' is irrelevant anyway .

Hissy · 26/11/2016 10:13

I have to say it really does sound like he's gay, I'd also wonder if the female cousin wasn't actually the cousin, does he have male cousins?

Your best option is to bring this all to a close asap, the longer it goes on, the more you'll get hurt.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 26/11/2016 10:21

Firstly, I think it's appalling for him to suggest 'you're not his type' - clearly you were once, or you wouldn't have DS! I want to ask something a bit controversial and may get flamed, but was he at the birth? Some men (thankfully a minority) do find it a distressing experience and their attitudes to sex can change. What was he like before DS was born?

Secondly, I have a friend who struggles to identify himself sexually. He's thirty five and has never had a sexual relationship. Most people assume he's gay, but he insists he isn't - he just doesn't like physical intimacy. We've talked about it a fair bit. He is neither attracted to men or women. He's had numerous counselling and it causes him quite a bit of distress as he feels he should be able to 'label' himself one way or the other. He can't - he's just not interested. I've wondered about abuse or an uncomfortable early experience but he insists that never happened.

I think you are doing the right thing to leave, OP. You can't spend your twenties feeling rejected, unattractive and unloved. Find someone who appreciates you, and good luck Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/11/2016 10:42

My sister's first crush was our first cousin. We didn't see him that often, only once or maybe twice a year, but still. I believe he was also her first kiss, but not sure about that!

It's not illegal and, while a bit weird, it's not considered to be incest either.

Just because you can't get your head around it, doesn't make it wrong.

HOWEVER - that's not your real problem, is it. Your hanging a heap of shit onto this one occurrence from a decade or so ago - but in reality, your problem is that you and your DH are sexually incompatible. In all honesty, if he has such a distaste for vaginas, he's probably not really "into" females at all and has been hiding it for years.

Hope you can manage a clean and civil break from him.

ghostspirit · 26/11/2016 10:50

The cousin thing was a long time ago and sound like 2 teens that messed about a bit. it felt wired and they stopped. from what we know it was consented and they were simlar ages. and because this happend it doe not make him a risk to your son. i think that is really unfair it think its pretty close to saying he may abuse your son. im hoping i have misunderstood.

but i also agree with what others are saying. maybe its not working any more maybe your husband if confused about his sexuality. what about relationship counselling? how does he make you feel he does seem pretty horrible you. if you do leave him i think it should be because of how he is treating you now. not because of his past.

anxiousnow · 26/11/2016 10:51

Was he always like this, even in the honeymoon period? Or can you look back and see when it changed. You mentioned previously porn addiction. Was it gay porn he was looking at? To say you are not his type is the real problem op.

anxiousnow · 26/11/2016 10:52

Sorry but also is there any chance he is seeing someone else, male or female?

SarcasmMode · 26/11/2016 10:52

So it's fine when he says he doesn't like to pleasure women or your not his type and you're still desperate for his attention and he does something with his cousin who is around the same age as him and your disgusted?

Prioritise a little skewed there.

What would indicate he would be a danger to his son in this scenario?

m0therofdragons · 26/11/2016 10:54

I never did anything with this but one of my cousins was seriously hot as a teen. Teen years are all about experimenting and we are naturally attracted to people who look similar so an attraction to a cousin isn't that weird. Really not something to be disgusted by Hmm