Husband had sex with his cousin...

[user1479512536]

I have written on here before about my husbands intimacy issues and our relationship on the whole. Just a quick recap before I get into the title of the thread:

My partner and I have been together for 3 years, in our early twenties with an infant young son. Our sex life is pretty much non-existent, it has got to the point where we rarely have it at all anymore. We have had it 2 times in the past 3 months.

When we do have sex it is very wooden. He is not interested in oral, touching or trying anything new. Just bog-standard stick it in. Most of the time I do not orgasm as he doesn't like to touch me or give oral. He will often finish and then just roll over and go to sleep. I have suggested many things that we could try and he always rejects them. At first I thought it was due to his porn use, he stopped using porn around a year ago but nothing has changed. It's like he is just totally disinterested in me.

I've tried to talk to him about it, I have asked him what is wrong and if there is anything he would like to do. He gives me many different explanations each time including: 'I don't like touching vaginas' 'My type is asians, blondes and larger women' 'You are obsessed with sex, there is no issue'. Many more I can list but these are the ones that come to mind.

ANYWAY so tonight I opened up the discussion yet again about our lack of sex and the quite frankly crap sex we do have on rare occasions. I asked him if he had been abused in the past, as this could be an explanation for his aversion to sex. He told me that when he was around 15, he had a sort of fling with his 2nd cousin who was 14 at the time. He had seen this cousin regularly throughout his childhood. They would flirt, cuddle and on one occasion she came into his bedroom and began playing with him under the covers and got him to play with her. He said he stopped because it felt weird.

I am quite frankly disgusted. I have met this cousin too on several occasions and I just cannot get my head around this. I really do not feel like I can continue the relationship at this point. I am also quite concerned to leave my son with him after this revelation.

Thoughts?

[RockyBird]

I know plenty of cousins who practiced kissing on each other as young teens and more.

Par for the course, I think.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

OP, if I were you I'd be more worried by the fact he seems to prefer large, blonde Asian ladyboys!

[Lucked]

Yes my uncle married a second cousin. I am not sure his is different from fooling around with the boy/girl next door who you have known since playschool.

[nolongersurprised]

Why don't you leave him and find someone more sexually responsive? Then he can find either an Asian/blonde or larger lady - as per his stated preferences - and preferably one without a vagina so he doesn't need to touch one.

[BratFarrarsPony]

honestly if he 'doesnt like touching vaginas' he could well be gay.

[kali110]

So because he kissed his cousin which isn't illegal, you think he can't be trusted around his son

[user1479512536]

Yes the son thing is an overreaction, I can see that now.

However I honestly can't believe that there isn't anybody who finds this weird and the general consensus is that it is normal. I just can't fathom having my cousin masturbate me. It just feels wrong and gross.

[InTheKitchenAtParties]

I'm glad I'm not the only one massively offended by the vagina comment.

[QueenoftheAndals]

OP I think you need to stop obsessing about his cousin and have a think about the other comments he's made, as that seems far more concerning. If he doesn't like touching vaginas then a bit of fumbling with a cousin may be the least of your problems.

[Pluto30]

The cousin thing is a red herring. The real issue here is that he doesn't seem interested in sex with a woman. That should be raising red flags to you, not the cousin thing.

[digitalpaintartist]

User, whilst I agree with other pp that you need to find someone who does like vaginas, it might help you to know that I am also repulsed by it! Like you, I grew up with my cousins as though they were brothers and sisters and so it's just really, really odd to me. Not, can't leave my son with him odd but eeeww can I ever let him touch me again odd.

[AmberEars]

I had a crush on my cousin (6 months older than me) when I was around 13/14. Nothing happened but we definitely flirted a bit. I think it was a way of exploring those feelings with someone known and trusted.

[Blackbird82]

My cousin tried it on with me (we were in our 20's) and I turned him down. It did feel very weird and wrong to me. I get the impression that your husband did not enjoy his encounter either and regrets it. So, just let it go.

However, not liking vaginas is a bit of a deal breaker really! It does sound like he might be gay.

[twattymctwatterson]

She's not even a first cousin she's a distant family member. It's a bit ick but they were teenagers. Also from your description it wasn't sex, it was a grope. Leaping from this to your DH abusing your son is really awful and I hope you haven't said this to your husband. Other than that your marriage sounds terrible and there's no reason why you should stay with a man who has real problems with sex and is quite possibly gay

[WouldHave]

I find it odd that this seems to be the deal-breaker for you rather than the fact that your husband is totally uninterested in you getting anything out of sex.

[CouldIHaveIt]

I could no sooner fancy my cousin/second cousin than I could my brother, I get how you feel it's 'too close' BUT they were teenagers who had a bit of a fumble and as you can see, plenty of others have no problem with it. Just forget it, it's not what's causing the problem here.

I'm guessing you just feel so confused about what's going through his mind sexually that you had a moment where you worried about leaving your son with him. I can understand that, BUT I'm pleased you've seen sense.

He needs to either be honest with himself about his sexual problems or to see a counsellor, BUT that's his problem to sort out, especially if you have reached the point of splitting up.


I'd say to him that tomorrow he needs to find somewhere else to live, even if that's just his Mum's or a friends until he sorts something permanent out. You need a clean split & to start moving on with your life.

You are young, don't let this define you. Go and talk to someone, clear your head, sort your life out and plan the way forward, don't look back.

You can both be good parents to DS without being together.

[user1479512536]

No I haven't mentioned the son part to my DH, that was a knee jerk overreaction.

I just find his whole attitude towards sex, sexual relations, past history very f*ed up. His attitude towards vaginas.

And I get the whole 'they are 2nd cousins, distant relatives, it is legal' however they were brought up as close family members. However distant a relation is they are still a relation and I just couldn't fathom engaging in sexual stuff with someone that I have been brought up with. Someone who is family, who I see at family events with aunties and uncles. It just seems so wrong to me and disgusting.

I'm actually not a judgemental person on the whole, I am very relaxed. But this to me I just can't get my head around. It is just so alien to me and not something I could ever imagine doing.

[user1479512536]

And we had already decided that he was going to move out whilst he got himself sorted before this revelation. So this wasn't what I would call the 'deal-breaker' more the, 'our relationship is already f*ed and now I don't think I can ever see you in the same way every again'.

[jagua]

I'm with you on the cousin thing OP - I have 4 cousins and we are close, to the extent that our children are all also close and we don't distinguish between first and second cousins. We are just family. And family don't do the sex.

[flibflob]

jagua this. Also with you on this OP.

[beatricerosamund]

I think if you have close relationships with your cousins growing up, it can feel odd in the same way that imagining sex with a sibling would, but if you don't have close relationships with your cousins (I met one of mine twice) then it's not a big deal.

[InTheKitchenAtParties]

His attitude is so unattractive.
I wouldn't want to touch any part of him!
Seriously tho user, whats your opinion on the gay theory? Has it not even crossed your mind?

[VoodooPeople]

Unless your son is an overweight, blonde Asian then I'm not sure why you don;t 'ant to leave him alone with his father

Sounds like he's on his way out so I wouldn't fret about the 2nd cousin thing. Not illegal, as has been said. Not everyone lives the life of the Walton with close family ties. I haven't seen my first cousins for many, many years and I'm not even sure I could tell you who my 2nd cousins are.

[user1479512536]

beatricerosamund - This was a cousin he saw regularly at family events, say 4 times a year.

InTheKitchenAtParties - The gay theory has definitely crossed my mind. He used to watch a lot of straight porn so the gay thing is conflicted for me. I have asked him if he is gay before and he strongly denied it.

[VoodooPeople]

• don't want