Lazy dp who has chronic back pain. WWYD?

[Corialanusburt]

DP was always lazy around the house though he does cook. For the last 4 years he has had chronic lower back pain such hat he now has a standing desk at work and has to sit with an ice pack attached to his back during dinner. The pain is worst when he bends so I get everything out for him when he's cooking.

The thing is that he used to be exceptionally lazy and he is the same person so I feel torn about what to expect from him. On the one hand I'm relieved as I have an excuse not to nag him. On the other hand I feel the great burden of running the house alone. He won't agree to a cleaner as I work 3 days and can clean on days off. We have one 10 yr old girl, so I don't have great pressure apart from getting her to all her extra curricular stuff and events.
So what can I reasonably expect from him? Anyone else living with chronic pain. I'd live to hear your perspective.

Similar situation here. However it's me with the back problems.

I don't work at all. Dp works full time. I can manage cooking, putting washing on etc but he does the ironing. He does any/all lifting and if I'm struggling badly will take over cooking duties without complaint.

I had surgery 5 weeks ago. I have had issues with healing and am still unable to drive or do anything much. Dp has been doing everything.

He will be home from work at 4.30pm today, he will get changed, get DD2 (my DD, not his) ready and drop her off for her swimming lesson, pick my teen up from work and then go back and pick DD2 up. Then he will come home, cook dinner, tidy up, make the lunches, do the dishes and get a bag of cat biscuits out of the shed.

He is an angel. Not one single word of complaint has passed his lips in the last 6 weeks. Not one. I am desperate to get moving properly again and can't wait until I can get back to doing the cooking at least.

Painwise, I am medicated and as long as I don't over do things then I can get through a day getting maybe a third of what a normally fit person would get done with regards housework.

I think you dp could take up swimming to strengthen his core muscles, look at surgery options and attend a pain management clinic. He can certainly help with SOME housework.

Corialanusburt - I would urge your partner to see if there was any Hospital 'back classes' he can go to.

I have had issues with my back since I was 18 and I was fobbed off for years by GP's saying 'Just lose weight'... However despite losing 6 stone and going back to the GP, I was told 'Well, you're still slightly overweight so lose some more and you should be fine'. So I stopped bothering, thinking all GP's were just useless.

Over the years (I'm 34 now), my back would 'go' and would range from mildly uncomfortable to not being able to walk. Easter this year, I picked up a paint can and my back 'cracked' loudly and not only did I get back pain, but I got incredibly bad sciatica - I couldn't walk, I couldn't sleep, I was in constant pain and it was the most horrific pain I ever felt. I went to the GP, thinking they'd fob me off and immediately got an MRI which showed I had 3 disc bulges - 1 pressing on my sciatic nerve as well as 'degenerative facet joints'.

I had a caudal epidural and then had 1-1 physio to work on my core strength and then went to a 6 week 'back class', where we had a 30 minute presentation about something.... and then a 30 minute exercise circuit. It was honestly the best thing I could have had - One of the talks involved pain management and they spoke about the 'fear' of pain and how it's a cycle - You fear pain... so you don't move much or do much.... then your core becomes weaker, so when you hurt something again, the pain is really bad.... and then it repeats.

What I was told was that pain is 'normal' to a degree and anything that heals in 48 hours is fine - therefore I should be confident but not stupid (no running etc). Your partner may have a different back issue, but the 'fear of pain' thing stuck out for me and it must be a bad way to live.

Throughout the last few months, I still dusted, helped cook, hang washing up etc - My partner did most of the driving and still does any heavy lifting,

Why don't you suggest a compromise of a fortnightly clean?

Why don't you suggest a compromise of a fortnightly clean?

Good idea but I think that the majority of issues with these types of situations isn't just the practical, more a case of both partners feeling they are being appreciated and cherished by the other.

The cleaning is a small thing in comparison to that and getting a cleaner doesn't address attitudes and feelings within the relationship.

he has read the entire internet

Which could possibly make him think he's worse than he actually is. To be honest, he cannot be in agony if he is doing 2 jobs in the time allocated for one, working 8-5 every day. My definition of agony is when my condition fares up and I can barely lift a cup far less put in a day at the office.

What fluffy said about fearing pain is spot on.

He was like this before he had back pain, so it isn't his back that's the actual problem really is it?

He doesn't want to do any wifework so he doesn't. He never did and he never will. He doesn't want to pay for it either, he wants you to do it.

The recent back problem just means he doesn't look quite so unreasonable to refuse.

He won't change. He's made that clear. So what will you do?

I'm in agreement with notgoingtobeamug I'm afraid. I can see why you want a cleaner, but with part time work and a 10 year old, you do sound like you have enough time in that 2 days for the housework. You've got a 10 year old- how long can it take? Most people with a 10 year old work full time (both parents), manage housework in the evenings - you have two bonus days.

But, life isn't about making it as difficult as possible, so if you want a cleaner, and can afford a cleaner, then I think you should get one!!

Friend linked this for me and I thought of you. You've probably never heard of Lorimer Mosley but I can tell you he pretty darn awed 😀

m.youtube.com/watch?v=gwd-wLdIHjs

Awesome!!

i'm going to be very blunt OP - how much self respect do you actually have?

For 25 years YOU allowed him to be lazy - why?
The cleaner should have been employed the moment he told you he wasn't going to do his share of housework- payment to come out of his share of spends.
You CHOSE to have a DC with him knowing that he was too lazy to even be a half decent parent. Basically you've always been a single parent.
You've also been the unpaid and unappreciated skivvy all this time.

Allegedly you each have your own spends - so he shouldn't be telling you what you can and cannot do with yours.

Why are you allowing him to control everything? And to demean you?
By FORCING you do to all the 'wife-work' on your own, i think it's his way of 'punishing' you and 'keeping you in your place'.....afterall, he thinks you've had an unfair advantage due to his higher earnings - so to re-dress the imbalance his ego feels YOU have to do as you're told.

You still keep making excuses for him, doing his shit for him - let him sort it out himself! A few weeks of not eating properly and having no clean clothes etc will force him into action.
Why won't you allow him to be responsible for himself and his pain management?
I bet he exaggerates the severity of his pain to justify his continued laziness - and to make you feel guilty so you won't upset the apple cart.
And you are aren't you? And you're too scared of his reactions to discuss this properly.

This man doesn't love you. I'm sure he thinks he does in his twisted head.
He doesn't care about your feelings, he has no empathy and he shuts down communication - or makes it difficult - so the status quo doesn't change.
He is not interested in you as an individual - you are there to provide services for him.
I doubt very much he has ASD issues.

He's a Class A wankbadger who has groomed and conditioned you to be the subservient little woman who does as she's told without complaint.

I'll diagnose him for you:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Chronic Lazyitis
?Co-morbidity of recent onset lumbar pain

Is this what you expected your life to be like?
Is this the model you want your dd to think is normal and acceptable?
Do you want this kind of life for her?

Get your head out of the sand OP, you're with a controlling narcissist who is making it VERY obvious that he has no respect, appreciation or love for you.

Just a thought, but lots of conditions that can cause back pain, things like hyper mobility, neuromuscular conditions, also have the effect of long term general fatigue.

It is quite possible that he just felt generally exhausted before the back pain even kicked in. So he may not be lazy (of course he may be).

My Dad had a progressive neurological condition which I've inherited. I always thought my dad was pretty lazy; he'd come home from work and just slump in a chair. Now I'm middle aged and the condition has started to kick in more, I find that some days I don't have any energy at all. I realise now that if my dad felt like this, far from being lazy, he was a bloody hero to hold down a full time job.

Anyway, your man might just be lazy. But he might not be.

One thing has struck me in your description of your dp. He sounds very fearful of the pain, and in particular of making it worse. That's natural, of course.

I have chronic neuropathic pain (though not in my back) and this has really struck a chord with me. I'm sure some of the harsher posters on here would think I was lazy; I work only very part time, and although I do much of the housework, I don't do it all, even though my dh works full time.

Chronic pain is tiring, debilitating and depressing (clinically depressing, that is). It just is, and bad attacks of pain are so so frightening.

But the solution, as far as there is one, is not to stop doing everything.

I did a pain management course, and my life is much improved. I'm still in pain, a lot of pain, but I now have a life too. I have learned to pace myself, but still get stuff done. I've made myself do some exercise, and learned that this may worsen things in the short term, but in the long term it helps. I have learned to control the panic the pain sets off, and I can now do more around the house, and have more of a social life.

It might be worth encouraging dp to ask again about pain management. What they suggest is sometimes obvious (but still good advice) but sometimes less obvious. For example, I've asked my family not to ask how I am, because that makes me focus on the pain unnecessarily. But there are loads of other pieces of advice / wisdom out there that the pain management people can suggest, as well as looking at the medication he is on.

I'm not going to comment on your dp's laziness or otherwise as I don't know him. But I'm sure you'd all be happier if his pain was better controlled.

My DP also has back problems so I have some insight. Is there anything you or DP could give up that could fund the cleaner?

Very interesting posts by FluffyPersian and Lucienandjean. DP has seen a consultant and then a physio a few years back but neither helped a great deal. Physio recommended doing a couple of exercises which he does do, but advice seemed very limited. Very interesting what you say about pain management.
He definitely avoids doing things due to the fear of the pain (he isn't always in pain). I've been saying he needs to build up his core strength and to do more exercise, even if it's regular walking as he can walk fine; and he will go for walks, but he doesn't seem to think to do it when I'm not suggesting it.

Anyway he is going back to the gp to get another referral - I'm hoping he gets more out of it this time.