Lazy dp who has chronic back pain. WWYD?

[Corialanusburt]

DP was always lazy around the house though he does cook. For the last 4 years he has had chronic lower back pain such hat he now has a standing desk at work and has to sit with an ice pack attached to his back during dinner. The pain is worst when he bends so I get everything out for him when he's cooking.

The thing is that he used to be exceptionally lazy and he is the same person so I feel torn about what to expect from him. On the one hand I'm relieved as I have an excuse not to nag him. On the other hand I feel the great burden of running the house alone. He won't agree to a cleaner as I work 3 days and can clean on days off. We have one 10 yr old girl, so I don't have great pressure apart from getting her to all her extra curricular stuff and events.
So what can I reasonably expect from him? Anyone else living with chronic pain. I'd live to hear your perspective.

Going against the grain here but with only two adults and one child you don't need a cleaner you just want a cleaner. No problem there except your husband is basing this on needs and not wants.

Other people on here cannot judge how his back pain affects him and if you truly believe he is telling the truth about his capabilities then in your shoes I would be helping him maintain them given the fact he earns 3x your salary and gives you equal access to it

Hmm. He has absolutely no reason to get better.
You both have reduced understanding about the difference between acute and chronic pain, acute pain is there to tell us to be careful about movement, ice packs can be helpful to reduce swelling and improve blood flow. Using ice packs for chronic pain is a waste of time, although it might be a neon sign which tells the world... look, poor me.

He needs to take responsibility for his condition and seek out support, he may need a combination of psychological and physical therapy. Our bodies are designed to move so immobility causes soft tissue change and muscle imbalance. You mentioned he is fearful several times, this just feeds into the chronic pain cycle. Chronic pain sufferes can learn to manage themselves and still lead fulfilling lives where they are able to look after themselves. His chronic pain is serving him well, why should he bother getting better.

Perhaps a referral to the chronic pain team at the hospital?

Why should a serving wench getvsometging just because she wants it when her lord and master prefers she spend her time servicing his needs?

Good post glint

Doinitfine

Wants and needs are different things entirely.

The op can hire a cleaner if she wants but her DH doesn't think she NEEDS one and neither do I. WANTS, yes and that's ok too.

It is ok, when in a 25 yr partnership to disagree. No need to resort to calling the op a wrench just because her do didn't immediately hire a cleaner!!!

Thanks everyone who's replied since I last wrote. I'm interested about the pain management team comment. This is the one thing he's not done and I've tried to persuade him. He thinks they couldn't tell him anything he doesn't already know and he wouldn't be an appropriate referral anyway. I will bring it up with him again.

Xinna, your comment about trying to beat him with logic is a useful point. Funnily, I read a long article about people with partners with Aspergers and there was a reference to the futility of trying to discuss argue using logic. I need to look that up again.

He sounds like a total malingerer.

How exactly does he get to his job? Deal with stairs? Tube/train/bus/ getting out of car? Bending over to pick up fallen papers?

He says the problem is Bending or sitting. That is a bullshit reason never to go along to any of your DD''s events. Why can he not simply stand at the back??

He is making excuses and you are giving all your head space over to trying to understand poor befuddled incapable little him. Is he spending hours stewing about your position? How hard things are for you? Nope. Course he isn't . Because it's all about him. Because he's a man.

Thanks glint. I'm sketchy on the type of pain he has and how it should be remedied but as he has read the entire internet I'm sure he has probably found out about different types of pain and how they can be treated.

I have 3 chronic pain conditions and the primary diagnosis effects my back and ribs. It causes pain which on a bad day means I can barely wipe my own arse. However those really bad days are when I've spent the day before on the sofa or in bed etc (that was before my DD ) or if I have spent all day at a computer.

Painkillers do not work for me either so it's all about lifestyle management. My conditions are at their best when I've been active (gym, yoga, cleaning, swimming, taking DD to the park, been at work, general life etc) so I'd be tempted to tell him he needs to be more proactive and find ways of managing the pain via his lifestyle.

It's not OK to disagree with your boss.

Particularly when you have an autocratic boss who will punish you for not obeying his own WANTS.

He doesn't NEED his live-in housekeeper to do every single bit of skivvying after him.

He just WANTS her to do his every bidding.

And he will punish her disobedience by making it harder for her to take exercise.

She doesn't NEED to stay fit and healthy, because she is easily replaced if she becomes defective.

She just WANTS to go to the gym.

But as an insignificant being that exists to serve, whag she wants is unimportant.

I just can't see how long cleaning your house can take. You have a 10 year old- 2 days a week you aren't working and she is at school. As a PP said, you don't need a cleaner, you just want one. You can't expect to have equal access to family money if you aren't putting in equal time working (whether it be inside or outside the home). BUT If you are spending those 2 entire days cleaning and doing family admin and then still have things to do in the evening then of couse what he is saying is unreasonable.

How would you feel if you were working 5 days a week with a chronic pain condition, he was only working 3 days a week and still expecting you to do housework? I think there would be some very different answers if the roles were reversed....

Shurely- it makes me want to cry. He could stand at the back, it's just not important enough in his mind to do so. If she had won a prize at presentation night, he would have understood that he should make the sacrifice.

Agree a list of tasks that he absolutely CAN do.

All school paperwork, gift buying for family, online shopping. If he can use a desk, he can do stuff on the internet. This could include holidays, railcards, tickets etc.

Sorting laundry into a pile each for you to put away.

Wiping all surfaces at waist height. Ditto dusting.

Tell him that these are his jobs. Plus any others he can manage. And stick to it.

And from personal experience if you are in seriously debilitating pain you would be going to that pain clinic by pogo stick if it was the only means of transport. It makes you that desperate for any kind of resolution.

Not going- for some reason your comments aren't discombobulating me, that's because I think you are dp, you're not are you?

For our local chronic pain team, they (physio, nurse and psychologist) screen all patients referred to the 10 week program to assess suitability. If someone is not thought suitable, they recommend a pathway they think most appropriate - might be specialist physio, or psychology input.

I agree with glint above that it sounds like both your and DH's beliefs about chronic pain may need to be gently challenged. Sometimes a simple, decent education session can do more for a patient than 10 other interventions.

That is sad. A prize is the high status stuff. You can do the wife work of mediocre performances, the love, the moral support. He'llandudno just take the reflected glory.

I think this is about more than a cleaner :( He sounds like a pain in your neck.

Wishing you strength in dealing with him :((

Sierra is on the money OP

Llandudno?!?! Hahaha. That's an autocorrect not a euphemism.

This cunt expects to be waited on hand and foot.

That takes A LOT of time.

He is also teaching his daughter some awfuk lessobs about her value to him if he can only be arsed with her if she's winning prizes.

Not to mentikn what she's learning from seeing her lower status motger bow and scrape to her father who actsvlike her boss and punishes her for making decisions.

Ugh. Nasty toxic environment for an almost teen girl.

Yes , and this feeds into the pp comment about wants and needs. You can argue logic about needs, but wants are what they are. They might be rational or irrational. It doesn't matter- you're an autonomous human and you're allowed to want things. Has he acknowledged that his illness has required sacrifices from you? He doesn't seem to see that you might need a morale boost because of the extra work you've taken on. Even if you could get the cleaning done in your two days off, maybe a cleaner (or him lifting a finger every now and then) would make you feel supported and cared for.

Not going- I did reply to th same point you've just made earlier. Of course, I can fit a lot of jobs in on my days off and I dint want do to do a single thing that causes him more pain.
My issue is that I know he is still the same person as he was pre back pain. He will not clean, he will not do drop offs and pick ups, he won't get up until there's only just enough time to sort out him and himself alone.
When i go full time, he will do no more. He is intractable.

I would find this intolerable

Back pain an chronic fatigue could be symptoms of a B12 deficiency.
He should have tests for B12, folate and ferritin. www.b12deficiency.info/what-is-b12-deficiency/

No, certainly lot but I've been in a situation where I have worked my arse off yet my Ex dp worked part time and still expected me to do 50% (well more actually) of all "jobs".
Everyone shod have equal me time. Do you think he gets more time than you?