Lazy dp who has chronic back pain. WWYD?

[Corialanusburt]

DP was always lazy around the house though he does cook. For the last 4 years he has had chronic lower back pain such hat he now has a standing desk at work and has to sit with an ice pack attached to his back during dinner. The pain is worst when he bends so I get everything out for him when he's cooking.

The thing is that he used to be exceptionally lazy and he is the same person so I feel torn about what to expect from him. On the one hand I'm relieved as I have an excuse not to nag him. On the other hand I feel the great burden of running the house alone. He won't agree to a cleaner as I work 3 days and can clean on days off. We have one 10 yr old girl, so I don't have great pressure apart from getting her to all her extra curricular stuff and events.
So what can I reasonably expect from him? Anyone else living with chronic pain. I'd live to hear your perspective.

If you work 3 days and he works 5, do you think the extra housework you do takes up 2 days?

Well, it doesn't need to take up two full days. You'd assume he works normal working days with some breaks/lunch.

But the OP isn't saying she shouldn't do more than him. She is just saying she shouldn't do all of it.

Get out my car- he did have some physio initially but he had terrible flare ups around that time so is now very wary of doing anything to upset the balance. It's difficult because strengthening will help him long term but he won't chance it because of the pain and the fear that it might somehow make things eventually worse.

Not going - I fit in what I need to but it's a big house and it's nowhere near what it should be. I think my feeling is mostly about the day to day, morning and nightly feeling of doing it all alone.

Ok, well I'm sure OP would take breaks and lunch too! I'm not for a second saying she should do it all, I'm just pointing out she only works 3 out of his 5 days. Shouldn't they have equal down time?

Btw, I'm hoping I'll get full time hours next year to coincide with DD going to High School. It's been lovely these last few years having the luxury to sometimes pick her up at normal time, to do homework with her etc.

When I'm full time a cleaner will be a given.

Yes, they should have equal downtime. But with a 10 year old to run round after and a partner who literally does not lift a finger for himself, I suspect there is more to do around the house than two days of work.

Trifle that is true. She has that many extra curricular things, morning is like an intricate ballet, my commute is up to 1.5 hours including her drop off. I've been to all 4 school presentation nights alone. It's endless. Luckily I'm naturally indolent so I make time for myself!

Does he care about you? Is he interested in your happiness?

He thinks he does Xinna, so in that sense he does. He maybe doesn't value enough my sense of what my happiness could entail.

He cares about you like the wealthy family in Downton care about their servants.

If you died he'd be most concerned about the inconvenience it caused him, but he would send a token of appreciation to your family.

It sounds like he doesn't have a clear sense of you as a separate, independent person, with needs and wishes of your own.

I.e. He doesn't respect you

That's definitely true Xinna. Not sure how he'd be able to explain himself out of that.

Doin. He might treat me like a servant but he doesn't like me for that, he likes me because he likes me and will therefore miss me accordingly. He'd probably get himself a cleaner though!!

I haven't RTFT, but I wanted to reply.
I have chronic pain, back pain. I am under the chronic pain team at the hospital.
I work part time, and manage to clean. Yes, my DH who works full time does a lot too.
But, honestly, I find ways to do it, with my pain.

He basically thinks though that with any choice where you have different ideas, the choice should be his because he earns more. That's very unattractive. He's not more important because he has more money.

What are his reasons for not wanting a cleaner? I get that he thinks you should do it, but the answer to that is 'I don't want to'. Why is he so against the idea? With that and the gym, it sounds suspiciously like he wants to keep you where he can see you for as much time as possible.

Oh, and this will sound harsh, but he doesn't like you that much, because if he did, he'd pay (having ample money to do so) for the thing you want, that would make you happy, and which does not disadvantage him at all.

This is the problem - you want to try and beat him with logic, but you can't, because he's actually not logical, he's entrenched. The bottom line should be that he sees things from your point of view and doesn't stamp on your ideas because they don't suit him. If he can see it's really important to you, and you can afford it, there is no real reason to stand in your way, other than to control you.

He doesn't even treat you like a servant he's fond of.

After 25 years of service most people would be more respectful of a decent servant than he is of you.

Are you sure he likes you?

It sounds like he despises you.

You will never be able to convince him to spend money on a cleaner while you work part time. My DH and I have seperate finances and it's impossible to get him to spend money on something if he doesn't want to.

Every argument is countered with another point from him. You can't win with men like that. We don't have those arguments any more, I just resigned to step up my earnings.

My other forms of protest, were going away to my mum's for a break and leaving him to cook/clean and everything else on his own. It's good for people to appreciate all your scurrying about.

Can he get your DD to be his kitchen assistant sometimes? She'll learn how to cook as well.

Being so sedentary can't be doing him any good at all, and he must have a very low pain tolerance level. I'd book a GP's appointment with him and explain how much it's affecting your family life tbh. There are very few back specialists out there that advise a reduction of movement as a treatment! I've had problems with compressed discs and trapped nerves, staying still is the worst thing I can do. As he ages, you have to face the reality that the less exercise he does, the less mobility and bone density he will have, and that could mean a wheelchair.

OP - has he been seen by a pain management team? It's usually a multidisciplinary team made up of doctors, physios, nurses, OT's and psychologists. They offer intensive programs to educate people about chronic pain and some of the myths surrounding it (e.g around activity/movement avoidance) and try to help patients make their own plan for maximising their function within their own limits. There are sometimes sessions for family members too. Might be worth researching or asking the GP what's available locally?

Hello. You asked about other people living with chronic pain. I have chronic back pain (20 years), fibromyalgia (10 years) plus other fatigue causing illnesses. I work full time from home, 2 children and I look after a large house pretty much on my own. My DH empties bin, empties and fills the dishwasher and hoovers. The main issues are pacing and pain relief. My meds enable me to do the above, and I break down jobs into smaller ones. With chronic back pain there are jobs he can do such as wiping worktops and other jobs that don not require much bending. Wiping windowsills, dusting shelves can all be done. Maybe he is using the chronic pain as an excuse to not help, I don't know, only you would know that.

My chronic pain gets worse on the days I rest. Tell him that if he helped you it may help him with his pain, just nothing too strenuous.

In my experience, women seem to cope with pain and get on with things much better than men.

Many men are backwards in coming forwards with housework, so having chronic back pain or any other condition they can cling onto, makes it easier to duck and dive.