Lazy dp who has chronic back pain. WWYD?

[Corialanusburt]

DP was always lazy around the house though he does cook. For the last 4 years he has had chronic lower back pain such hat he now has a standing desk at work and has to sit with an ice pack attached to his back during dinner. The pain is worst when he bends so I get everything out for him when he's cooking.

The thing is that he used to be exceptionally lazy and he is the same person so I feel torn about what to expect from him. On the one hand I'm relieved as I have an excuse not to nag him. On the other hand I feel the great burden of running the house alone. He won't agree to a cleaner as I work 3 days and can clean on days off. We have one 10 yr old girl, so I don't have great pressure apart from getting her to all her extra curricular stuff and events.
So what can I reasonably expect from him? Anyone else living with chronic pain. I'd live to hear your perspective.

How many hours a week do you work ? How many does your husband work?

Xinna. I have now and then asked him to understand that I know his pain is awful, and I know it's not his fault that he can do less but that he has never acknowledged what I do for him now. He was impassive. He doesn't know what I'm going on about. To him when I talk like that, it's like a white noise of blah. He just waits for 'it' to stop.
Wants is the key word. He is very concerned about my needs, as in his perception of them, but not about my perception of my needs and certainly not my wants. That's anathema to him.

I wonder if there is no goodwill in the bank toward him. He wasn't kind and considerate to you before the injury and now he needs you to do his share you can't be bothered. And why should you, frankly. reap what you sow and all that.

He works Mon to Frid. Gets himselfup 8ish and gets home 5.30/6.
I work Mon to Wed. On those days, I get up at 6.40, get DD up, get her and myself ready, take her to school for 7.40 then long trip on motorway to work. Leave work 4 and get her at 5, do her tea then extra curricular or homework. Thurs and Frid I get up 7.15 and DD to school. I'm a teacher so have homework too.

Well yes can't be bothered as in that's my feeling, but I do bother. There's a lot to righ his moment. I've just cooked, he's gone and now I'll be clearing etc then DD organisation then her bath and bedtime.

And his chair is sticking out! 😁

Does he struggle with pain at work?

Yes Angie. He has a standing desk and he finds meetings agony. Hes currently doing 2 jobs in the time allocated for one, so sitting for meetings is hard.

So you've admitted he is in agony and is trying to do 2 jobs in the time allocated for 1. He works full time yet you work part time. He is supposed to be your DP and you've admitted he is worried about his pain meaning he can't continue with his job so he has money worries too. I think you are letting his past laziness cloud your judgement here. You are supposed to be a team.

Do you think he thinks you should be as miserable as he is?

I think this is what my ex thought - he suffered from depression which meant we all had to suffer and he definitely didn't want to do anything to enhance my life, though I spent mine running around trying to make him happy.

He has no hobbies but he likes wines and getting Italian suits at a 20th of their original price. He likes football and cricket but watches them alone. He's not one for mates as you might imagine.
I'm sure that he would deal with the pain to get some more conjugals. He can drive but tries to do journeys of no more than half an hour.

Notgoing - THEY are supposed to be a team. She can't be a team on her own.

There is no skivvy in team.

He does zero parenting and doesn't even push back his own chair after he stands up from the table.

This is about service and staus, not teamwork.

Another chronic back pain sufferer here. The worst thing you can do is be inactive. Mine is under control when I walk the dog about 5 miles a day and do daily yoga. The less active I am, the worse the pain gets.

Medical advice for back injuries is very clear: resting for more than the first 24-48 hours is detrimental. If he keeps behaving like this he'll never get any better, and in fact will become progressively worse. Here's the NHS advice on back pain, for instance:

www.nhs.uk/conditions/Back-pain/Pages/Introduction.aspx

As others have said, he needs to go to a pain clinic, or at least for a chat with his GP about becoming more active. He might need some psychological support to enable him to get over his belief that activity will damage his back

And yes, he's taking the proverbial with his behaviour towards you and expectation you will be his skivvy. Probably the only way you'll get him to listen, though, is to leave him.

There are a couple of issues here. First off, as there are only three of you and you work part time, you shouldn't need a cleaner. We both work part time and have a teenager and do without one (although I am considering one). However, we all pull our weight (even the teenager!) which makes it so much easier. If I was in your shoes I'd be pissed off too, he is treating you like a skivvy! And his bitching and moaning about your gym membership sounds incredibly tedious! I don't really think a cleaner is going to solve your big problem, which in my opinion is he just doesn't respect you, or think of you as an equal. I wouldn't be able to put up with that shit at all, YMMV.

I mean we both work full time, not part time.

If OP is a teacher, working three days a week will take up as much time as a full time job.

That aside, OP - your partner just doesn't sound very nice. If he loved you, he would want to see you happy, and would do whatever he could to see you smile.

I used to live with a pedantic twat who reduced everything to logic. It was exhausting and the best thing I ever did was divorce him.

Lifestyle or no lifestyle, I'd leave his miserable ass. He's never going to get any nicer, and tbh you sound as if you don't like him that much anyway.

The thing is, he was an lazy disrespectful sod before the back pain. Now he's a lazy disrespectful did with an excuse

*sod

I'm sorry to hear your husband is being so difficult.

I am in a similar situation with regard to my DH suffering from back pain. A little background; we have been together 3 years and have a 4 month old DS. He sustained a back injury through work about 2 years ago which resulted in him needing spinal surgery. This injury was caused by his job, which is very hard physical labour (lifting heavy items constantly). He works night shifts between 11pm-7am. I am currently on maternity leave.

My DH does try to help out and is brilliant with our son, in fact as I type this my DH has just got back from work and taken DS downstairs to do the morning routine while I have a lay in. However, he really doesn't do much at all chores-wise since I've been on maternity.

He will do chores if I nag but that always leads to a bit of bickering and frustration, and lots of excuses for why he hasnt done said chore (I didn't sleep well, I feel ill, I was going to do it but you got there first..) which leaves me feeling a bit guilt tripped for asking. He also will complain about back pain while doing said chore (which I do sometimes think he might be over dramatising a little bit. Or maybe I'm just being insensitive). The time spent nagging and bickering I could have just got it done myself while he watches DS. So that has sort of become the norm now and he will watch youtube/play playstation while watching DS and I'll do chores when he's up.

The only thing I REALLY wish he'd do is clean up after himself. First job of the day for me (after feeding DS etc) is clean up empty packets and plates/mugs/bowls from the coffee table and the kitchen side. If I mention anything about them he always says "I was just about to do that" but if I leave them they're there the next day.. grr.

I'm not a picture of health myself, since giving birth I've had a problem with my hips which causes me pain and some limited mobility but I never let it stop me doing anything. Just pop sone painkillers and get on with it (not saying that is what DH should do, I know his back pain is much more severe than my hips).

Your DH would frustrate me no end. I don't agree that him earning more means he sould have more leverage on financial decisions (I earn 2x my DHs salary and don't think that way at all). Do you think he would be open to discussions about all this or would he get defensive/angry?

I agree, it's about equal downtime. If your home tasks and work leave you with less down time than him then get a cleaner.

If his downtime is less than yours and his objection is money (rather than having someone in you home) then he's got a point and if you get a cleaner it should be funded by you.

Get a cleaner!

So you've admitted he is in agony and is trying to do 2 jobs in the time allocated for 1. He works full time yet you work part time. He is supposed to be your DP and you've admitted he is worried about his pain meaning he can't continue with his job so he has money worries too. I think you are letting his past laziness cloud your judgement here. You are supposed to be a team

I agree to a certain extent but wrt to him cooking and you having to get all his ingredients out hasn't he got a grabber? I used to use one when I was in a wheelchair,brilliant thing, so useful!