Lazy dp who has chronic back pain. WWYD?

[Corialanusburt]

DP was always lazy around the house though he does cook. For the last 4 years he has had chronic lower back pain such hat he now has a standing desk at work and has to sit with an ice pack attached to his back during dinner. The pain is worst when he bends so I get everything out for him when he's cooking.

The thing is that he used to be exceptionally lazy and he is the same person so I feel torn about what to expect from him. On the one hand I'm relieved as I have an excuse not to nag him. On the other hand I feel the great burden of running the house alone. He won't agree to a cleaner as I work 3 days and can clean on days off. We have one 10 yr old girl, so I don't have great pressure apart from getting her to all her extra curricular stuff and events.
So what can I reasonably expect from him? Anyone else living with chronic pain. I'd live to hear your perspective.

'He would say that if I didn't live with him, I didn't have the nice lifestyle I have. We share our income equally tho we don't share the housework..'

Imagine how much less work you'd have, too, without him around. He wouldn't have such a nice lifestyle if you didn't live with him cleaning up all his shit. He'd have to hire a cleaner.

Thanks for info Wonderstuff. DP see me to need a combination of rest and exercise but not sitting. He's trying to keep weight off and isn't overweight which is good.

He sounds so pedantic. It must be wearing.

True expat. I can't imagine what he'd do if I wasn't here, I really can't but he doesn't see that. To him my housework is equivalent to any other work I or he would do, except that funnily he would never choose to do it himself.

I think his attitude re money stinks. But I don't understand what you mean about the 'burden' of running a home... you work 3 days a week and your child is 10 so at school.

He wouldn't have a very nice lifestyle if he didn't have you around helping a lot. You are in fact an unpaid carer but he has decided you are not entitled to any respite.

Cucumber, it is wearing. I think he's an INTP, if you know what that is, not that that's an excuse for it.

Your argument should be:

Fuck off you bossy cunt, I am not your servant.

Your half of the cleaning is not being done. Either start paying someone, do it yourself, or piss off to live by yourself.

What a nasty shite he is.

Doin you beat me to it.

Sorry you live with such a pedantic self righteous....well, just sorry, OP

Good point Mr TCakes. In a sense it's not a burden, I go along happily enough and I have time for work and leisure. I guess it's the burden of knowing I'm so heavily responsible for all of DD's life minutiae and all of the house. Sometimes I feel like a single parent e.g. Alone in the Mir I ts preparing us for work and school, no sharing of that or the long drives, then all her events I go to lane because he can't sit.
That said, he has the burden of worry that if he becomes unable to work we have a great amount to lose. We'd lose the house and live on my minis use wage.

I have a condition which affects my ligaments and soft tissue. The absolute worst thing I can do is to be inactive. My sacroiliac joints are the worst and move in and out of place frequently.
I work, do housework and go to the gym.
If I'm having a flare-up I'll avoid hoovering, and standing at the ironing board for a long time can aggravate it, but the worst is sitting for long periods.

'Sometimes I feel like a single parent e.g. Alone in the Mir I ts preparing us for work and school, no sharing of that or the long drives, then all her events I go to lane because he can't sit.
That said, he has the burden of worry that if he becomes unable to work we have a great amount to lose. We'd lose the house and live on my minis use wage.'

And if you are not married and don't have proper legal protection in place, that is exactly what you are.

We share our income equally

So it's your money too and you can choose to allocate it to (a) a cleaner and (b) the gym. Marvellous. Problem solved.

True tribpot. I think if I got a cleaner myself with money in my bank account, it would irritate him because I'm part time, but he'd let it happen.

We're not married but been partners for 25 years, don't know much about the legalities of our life.

I'm a chronic pain sufferer who is quite severely disabled with back and pelvis issues, that do affect my ligaments. I can't get about without crutches so I'm limited in what I can do and I don't work.

He is taking this piss out of you. DH leaves the house at 6:00 am, returning at 6:30pm ish. He sorts the laundry so I just have to turn it on and empties the dishwasher before he leaves. I do the dusting, polishing, cleaning the work surfaces in the kitchen, the bulk of keeping the house tidy and the cooking. Through trial and error I've managed to devise a way of making meals that don't need a lot of lifting and carrying. We've got a high level oven that makes it easier for me.

DH's jobs are doing the floors, the bathrooms and washing down the doors in the kitchen where I can't reach/bend to, the gardens and the cars.

We have things in the house that make things easier for me, like a stick hoover, long handled dusters, a grabber so I can pick thinks up and a laundry basket on wheels, a perching stool and a stool I can sit on to iron.

To me it sounds like it's his laziness speaking, not his backache.

A cleaner isn't that much is it? Depends where you are of course but I used to pay £20 for two hours a week and she did the whole house in that time. I was in once when she came and I have never seen anyone get as much done in that time in my life. It would have taken me hours over several days.

Well worth it especially in your situation.

Op, I have autoimmune arthritis and hypermobility and I find sitting round not exercising etc makes me a lot worse. I have problems with ligaments and had to stop Pilates etc as the stretching was making me over stretch which made things worse. I now do crossfit which strengthens my muscles and ligaments and I feel a lot better. Back pain has nearly gone!
I kind of understand the reluctance to get a cleaner when you work 3 days as I work 3 days too but you're doing everything and that's not fair regardless of the situation. You deserve to have a few days where you're not cleaning the house!

Have you got quotes for weekly cleaners? Round here it's 8 to 10 quid an hour, depending on size of house and what jobs are to be done 3 hours would do it. Giving him specific figures might help him to see how affordable it is.

(Yes agree with pps he's being ridiculous by expecting you to do his 50% but I understand you probably won't succeed in changing his mind on that)

Thanks thefairy and thecakes, that's useful to read.

If I. Clearing after dinner for example, he pushes his chair back, leaves it there and goes straight to lie down. This is logical reaction to an end to a day in a demanding job. It allows no compromise. If I'm in the mood, and I have to be, because he will get very defensive, I will ask for help. I'm .ikely to say, could you do anything that doesn't involve bending. If he's up to it, he'll get up and take the dishes to the side of the sink. He is absolutely mentally blind to the fact that there is so much more to do. I might do 10 mins non bending tasks e.g. Wiping sides. He dies not see them and does not believe such tasks exist. He'll reply, you know I can't bend, which is not what I making hi to do anyway.
Is it possible that there is an issue in his brain that prevents him seeing what I see or is he being obtuse?

'We're not married but been partners for 25 years, don't know much about the legalities of our life.'

Unless you have put legal agreements in place regarding his pension, next of kin, the house, etc. your 25 years together counts for not much above nothing in most cases. I strongly advise you to get clued up about this. Far too many people sleepwalk into situations like this, not realising the UK does not confer rights on co-habitating partners.

Thanks Icant. I think I'll get some quotes!😃

'Is it possible that there is an issue in his brain that prevents him seeing what I see or is he being obtuse?'

Oh, c'mon, of course there isn't anything wrong with his brain and he's not obtuse! He doesn't do it because it's your job in his opinion. He's above duties like this.

God he sounds like a right moaning Minnie.....not to mention controlling, pedantic and selfish.

Personally I would hire a cleaner and tell him to get fucked.

He does think he's above these jobs, he really does but I'm fascinated about why a logical brain doesn't see the lack of logic in believing it's my role.