Lazy dp who has chronic back pain. WWYD?

[Corialanusburt]

DP was always lazy around the house though he does cook. For the last 4 years he has had chronic lower back pain such hat he now has a standing desk at work and has to sit with an ice pack attached to his back during dinner. The pain is worst when he bends so I get everything out for him when he's cooking.

The thing is that he used to be exceptionally lazy and he is the same person so I feel torn about what to expect from him. On the one hand I'm relieved as I have an excuse not to nag him. On the other hand I feel the great burden of running the house alone. He won't agree to a cleaner as I work 3 days and can clean on days off. We have one 10 yr old girl, so I don't have great pressure apart from getting her to all her extra curricular stuff and events.
So what can I reasonably expect from him? Anyone else living with chronic pain. I'd live to hear your perspective.

I sit on DS little stool to sort the washing, or put the shopping away in the bottom cupboards.

Think I'd rather separate tbh...

Ha ha thecakes exactly!!

'He does think he's above these jobs, he really does but I'm fascinated about why a logical brain doesn't see the lack of logic in believing it's my role.'

Why wouldn't he? You've been doing it all for years.

By him a copy of "Wifework" for Christmas, should enlighten him to how completely out of order he is?

Fascinating though you might find this guy, the fact is you are legally in a very vulnerable position.

You have reduced your working hours to three days a week in a low pay job, while he's had the advantage of working full time in a much higher paid job.

In my opinion, you should go back to work full time and go for a better paid job yourself. This man is very selfish and I dread to think what would happen if you split up.

Look at it this way, OP. You work 3 days a week and he works 5. So he works roughly 70% of his time and you work roughly 40% of your time. So you have roughly 60% of your time free and he has roughly 30%. So you should be doing about twice the housework (including cooking) that he is doing. But you're doing it all.

'By him a copy of "Wifework" for Christmas, should enlighten him to how completely out of order he is?'

He already knows this. He doesn't care. He knows he has her over a barrel because he's right, she would not be able to maintain her lifestyle without living with him and as they are unmarried and have not made any legal provision, she has no entitlement to much of anything besides child maintenance if they split and perhaps some equity from the home but even that is not a given.

He's not fascinating per se ooh but yes I get the legal aspect.

Thanks for your reply trifle.

I just told him I'd 'asked the mum's' He replied something like, " Yes a cleaner might be a suitable accommodation as long as you cancel the gym .."

We do have joint ownership of the house. What are the implications of us being unmarried re that, expat?

Why is he obsessed with whether you cancel the gym again?

Which do you value more, your current lifestyle or being free from someone who thinks so little of you?

I know about Wifework expat. Can't face reading it tbh... I know what it will say!😁

Depends on a lot of things. I'd see a solicitor if I were you. The real issue is you are not his next of kin and have no entitlement to his pension as a live-in partner.

I think if I got a cleaner myself with money in my bank account, it would irritate him because I'm part time, but he'd let it happen.

So you don't share your money equally. He has four times what you have. And he seems still to have a say how you spend the money in your own account. Here you want to use the household money to fund a cleaner - it sounds like the vast majority of the household money resides in his bank account?

Good question randomness. It's not an easy question to think about and there are many many implications for making any changes.

We share our income equallyish tribpot,but I'm not sure he'd want to share the cleaner cost.

If you pay for the cleaner yourself, that is the same as admitting that 100% of the housework should be your responsibility. Just tell him to piss off.

Clearing after dinner for example, he pushes his chair back, leaves it there and goes straight to lie down. This is logical reaction to an end to a day in a demanding job.

No, this is a logical reaction to finishing a meal when you have staff.

And no manners.

It is certainly not how people in families treat one another.

But you are not his wife, you are his skivvy.

And you have no legal protection despite hurting your earning piwer significantly to pander to his lordship.

Itvis not his brain I wonder about. It is yours.

Why do yiu accept that his unreasonable and self-serving arguments are logical?

They are not.

Not even a little bit.

Unless you accept (as you both seem to) that he is more important than you, and therefore your boss.

What does sharing income equally mean? Given 4/5 of it comes from his salary, isn't he paying 80% of all the household expenses? You're not paying half each on everything, are you?

I'm fascinated about why a logical brain doesn't see the lack of logic in believing it's my role.

Because it suits him this way.

Nothing more to it than that.

Playing devils advocate here but if you work 3 days and he works 5, do you think the extra housework you do takes up 2 days? I'm just wondering what it would be if you were to divide it on having equal "relaxation time". Your 10 year old is presumably at school so you aren't doing childcare for the majority of those 2 days?

Sounds like he's got chronic malingeritis to me.

I suffer from lower back pain because of problems with my muscles and ligaments. It doesn't stop me tucking my chair in after myself or clearing up after myself. There are jobs I can't do but I make up for it by doing my best to do everything I can.

Lying down makes the pain much worse too.

Is he on a physio training regime to strengthen the lower back area and improve his condition? I have to go to the gym at the physiotherapists three times a week.

I live with chronic pain myself and have DP who works full time. We have a 3yo. I do everything in and around the house.

No idea what to expect from him but if he's lazy in the first place I wouldn't expect much.

Sorry tribpot, I wasn't clear. Once everything is in the pot, we divide it equally but he is providing the majority from his earnings.