My partner is damaging his daughter's mind, body and soul (follow on thread)

[RedStripeLassie]

A follow on from my dp doesn't look after his mind, body or soul (Offreds words for the title)
I understand people's anger, sadness and frustration at the situation I'm putting dd in but would appreciate further help as I feel I'm getting somewhere and don't want to lose the momentum and ignore everything.
Thanks to everyone that took time posting and don't feel like you have to again if you feel it's not going anywhere or its falling on deaf ears.

Red, I hope you're still reading. My family life probably included more alcohol than most people - my dad went to the pub for a couple of pints every night, and my parents went out for a drink every weekend. They were never drunk when they got home, but my mum would be a little tipsy at times (this is when I was old enough to still be awake when they came home at 11).

On Xmas day we'd all go to church, then Dad and my grandad would go to the pub while my mum and grandma cooked dinner (usually with a glass of sherry). They might have wine with lunch, and as I got older I could have a bit of wine with lemonade or a shandy. After dinner we'd laze in front of the TV, usually with another glass of something, and we'd have sandwiches in the evening. I remember being quite surprised at how little my boyfriend's family drank the first time I spent Xmas with them.

But, even with all that alcohol around, I never saw the adults getting so drunk they were out of it, or vomiting in the toilet. Even when my siblings and I were all old enough to drink, the aim was to enjoy a drink or two, not get falling-down drunk.

I drink less now that I have a young child, as does my husband. My daughter is a toddler, and I would not take her to a family party like the one you describe - that's the kind of party I used to go to as a student, but with less drug use and no children.

I was thinking about all these previous posters who have come on here to recount how it was growing up in similar circumstances to the one you describe. The awful realisation when they get older and meet other people that what they experienced, what they thought was normal for everyone else, was anything but. All those lost opportunities to have a regular childhood. How sad to look back at your childhood and wonder why it had to be like that?

My children had never seen an adult drunk or out of it on drugs, until this summer we were at someone's house. It had been a sunny day and this person had decided to start drinking middle of the afternoon before we arrived. Slurry words, stumbling, bombastic sweary language. I was horrified, my kids sitting there wondering what the hell has gone on looking at me with confused faces. You know those polite but confused faces children have when they don't know what to say. I made my excuses and we left after 10 minutes. Awful.

My friend left her DP with similar issues when her DS was three, because of her concern for him. Her DP expressed the desire to change and "win her back" but continued as before and later met a new gf with the same issues. Her DS is now 11 and is still affected by his dad's problems, eg when he sees him (or doesn't, his dad prioritises booze etc), but has a safe home and doing well.

red You say he used to be a lovely man. Think of that as SoberHim.

Now he is an addict. He is using and drinking every single day. It is very sad. Think of this as JunkieHim.

Addiction makes people behave like total dicks, you know that. JunkieHim behaves like a dick most of the time. Hardly a surprise. Right?

It is unreasonable to expect JunkieHim to be considerate to you and DD, to be sensible and fair with money, to be a good father and husband. JunkieHim is not capable of any of that.

By wanting those things to change by Christmas you are setting yourselves up to fail.

There is no point attempting to tackle any of that until he is SoberHim again.

Right now, he wants to stay being JunkieHim. The inevitable dickish addict behaviours are damaging you and DD. Your mental health is clearly suffering.

Nothing will change until he is clean.

How about a different Christmas goal? One that's achievable and clear to both of you perhaps?

How about, before the end of November you tell him that you are finding it too difficult to live with his addiction and that if he hasn't taken very serious steps to start getting clean and sober before Christmas then you will and DD will be leaving as soon as possible after Christmas.

Can you even imagine saying that to him? Can you imagine following through if you do say it?

I'm still reading.

msHoolies I really like your idea and put it too him earlier today. He somehow whittled it down to 5 days after ignoring me and changing the subject but eventually agreed said all money saved in those five days would go towards dd and Christmas. It starts on Monday. He's never done that long without pot, even in hospital so it will be a big symbol of him taking me and my concerns seriously if he can manage it. Drinks wise he'll be ok.

rabbit that post really made sense to me and made me sad for the person me and dd have lost.i think that's more realistic in terms of deadlines and expectations though. I went to al anon (3rd week) and they've been a great support. My family do all seem so loving and supportive it's hard to see that they might of shaped my tolerance to alcohol and to what I'll allow dd to see.

I did ring woman's aid but it went to voicemail and I didn't request the call back because I bottled it.

Why Monday? That's ages away. Why not tomorrow? What's special about Monday?

Surely if he's being so wonderful and noble about giving up five whole days of drug addiction for his ever so lucky to have him daughter, he could start tomorrow? Bonus being the five days would be up by Monday! Go him!

Youve actually put a monetary "worth" on your little girl.. five days of drugs booze and scratch cards.

OP I think you should reach out to SS for help, this is clearly far too much for you to handle and would show them you want more for your child than you're currently willing to provide. Because it is unwillingness to provide for her when you're pussy footing around an addict at her expense.

How did he get it down from a week to five days?

Again this isn't really a win. It's a temporary gesture not a change. I'm very glad for you that you feel special again to him but is that all you are after? Symbols and 5 days of cash? I don't really understand the purpose of going without for 5 days then starting again. Well I do. You want to prove to everyone he isn't an addict. Good luck with that - and I hope he doesn't lie to you and do it behind your back? Any chance of that happening and you being fooled into thinking he's amazing for his 5 day quitting?

As for your family I'm sure they do love you and are supportive they just have unhealthy relationships with alcohol and are blasé about drug use.

Please ring WA again and leave a message. As a PP says you can tell them randoms on the internet think you're in a relationship with a financially and emotionally abusive addict.

Wonder if he'll actually do it. Seems more likely he'll have blow outs before Monday then be an arsehole and blame you.

What are your Christmas and new year plans? Are you going to seek to avoid boozy / drug occasions with your DD?

Him having not gone that long without his substances is another indicator of his addictions.

I think it's not happening till Monday for the same reason as when I decide I need to drop half a stone it's always after the weekend!

I'm amazed he agreed to any amount of time so when he agreed to 5 days I was thankful. Also, I know he's going to be an absolute stressed out arsehole in those 5 days so I'm dreading them as well.

It's not about placing a money value on dd. Christmas is coming and so far I have a bit of cash from local selling sites. that £50 and some in the PayPal account for it.

Also I feel if he can do it there is hope. I don't would hide it from me. If he wants to break his promise he's got enough self belief that he'd just do it in front of me and not worry himself with lying.

dozer I've been thinking about that. Plans still aren't set but it was a choice between my Dad who will drink more that dh or some friends who are more board games and moderate drinking so the second choice I think.

when he agreed to 5 days I was thankful

This is so fucking sad

You asked for a week, your grateful for 5 miserable days, and he gets to choose when it happens

This is in no way a win

WAKE UP

Is this the attempt to sort your finances out? Did you look through your bank statements and add up the outgoings and discuss a plan (longer than 5 days long)

What happens if he fails to go without for these 5 days?

Go to the friends'. Stay there awhile if you can.

If he fails it, I sadly have some wind in my sails to say how worried I am about addiction and that we'll be moving on in the new year. If he cant do 5 days without that's really bad and actually a bit disrespectful of us ( me an dd). It would make me angry if he couldn't even do that.

We've both been working so haven't had time to sort financial stuff together. If it's the evening he won't be in the right mind frame and if it's the day he'll be sleeping or grumpy before work. There's no good time.

He wouldn't agree to the week that you wanted - can't you see that that's already really bad and disrespectful?

red I can see you have pinned great holes on the 5 clean days from Monday.

Be kind to yourself and plan out your responses to everything in advance. Write it down somewhere.

What's happens if:

• he doesn't start on Monday (excuses, excuses).
• he doesn't last 5 days (just one beer, just half a smoke, so stressed).
• he doesn't give you the money.
• he lies about how much he normally spends and thus how much has been saved and hands over a pittance.
• he interprets this as 5 days of not buying more, because it is about money not addiction. So, he stocks up on drink and skunk beforehand then he is "just using up what I already had" in the 5 days.
• behaves like an addict, i.e. lies, manipulates and deceives to keep using.
• he behaves like a total cunt towards you in those 5 days.
• he finds a way to blame you for "making him" use again (pressing his buttons, nagging, not trusting)

I am sure you can already predict what his excuses and addict logic will be. What will you say? What will you do?

Also, what if he does manage 5 days? What then? What will you say and do after 5 clean and sober days from him?

Have you agreed that there will be no drink or drugs in the house during these 5 days? How is he planning to manage his moods?

Great hopes not holes. Bloody phone.

There's no good time.

There's no good time for him. Because he won't want to do it.

Oh, Red, I know how desperate you must be for anything that looks even vaguely like progress. But it sounds like what you're trying to achieve is finding a way to control his addiction without at any point making him feel bad or causing an argument. Surely you can see how impossible that is? You can't control his addiction - only he can face up to it, and he does not want to. And you trying to keep things peaceful and not rock the boat and coax him gently towards maybe cutting down the weed a tiny bit is not helping him face the impact his addiction is having on his daughter.

You are living in poverty because he's smoking away all your money. You couldn't buy your daughter a new winter coat because he's smoking away all your money. You aren't allowed to put the heating on until it's absolutely necessary by his standards, because he's smoking away all your money. And yet you don't want to raise money with him when he's 'grumpy'? This is what people mean when they tell you that you're putting him above your daughter.

From here, it sounds like you're throwing all your energy towards things you can't change - his addiction, his behaviour, his priorities. And you're feeling helpless about things you can change, like getting your DD out of there.

He's pulling all the shots isn't he?

You don't really get a say?

He drops just enough so you are "grateful" but he's got you right where he wants you!

You are not in a relationship. There's no real sharing. You do 99% of the giving. He does 99% of taking.

This would be sad if you went a mum but it's beyond tragic because you are. Your giving so much for so little in return and yet risking your daughter's upbringing and even risking losing her.

There's not are good time to discuss the finances you say! Yep I bet there isn't because frankly he doesn't want to. He's more than happy with how things are.

You're even nervous about discussing the finances yourself because you know deep down he does not actually want to change anything.

Yes he calls all the shots

He calls every single one of the shots in your house.

It's shit.