Just found this FB message exchange between Dh and a woman, not sure what to think?

[HuskyLover1]

Message was in July:
Him: Thanks don't think it was up long
Her: Sorry, it was a mistake. Only meant to send the pic to you. Won't bother you again
Him: Don't be silly. I wasn't bothered by it. You don't have to be like that. What happened in your marriage?
Her: Ok, sorry again for shocking you. I'm still married but it's not the best. I feel very unloved and have done for years. It will be our 9th wedding anniversary on 20th July. I want to enjoy my life with someone who loves me for who I am and wants to spend time with me. Hope you are happy.
Him: Not shocking. Good pic actually. Didn't want my wife to see it and put 2 and 2 together. I'm so sorry that hasn't worked out for you. You moved out or are yu going to get a divorce?
Her:No I'm very scared. How long have you been married?
Him: Scared of what? I've been married years.
Her: I'm scared to leave and be on my own. Hate life at the moment. How did you meet?
Him: You'll be ok I'm sure. You have a lot on your plate. I met Husky on POF.
Her: POF?
Him: Plenty of fish
Her: Where is Husky from? Hows life Hows work?
Him: Tells her where we live

^^ this was all in July

Then last night he sends her a message saying "how are you"

God tell me what to think about this :-(

I also think the explanation is plausible but I'm not sure he is being very sensible encouraging women to open up to him like that.

Old flame who contacted him. He doesn't want anything to happen between them, and is gently telling her that.

Last night he wondered how she was and asked her.

It sounds innocent to me, he thought you would worry if he told you.

Not grooming at all!

I would believe him but I think you need to wonder why he had the photo deleted in the first place, and why you were reading his messages? If it is because of your first dh it's understandable you are worried about it happening again, but it's not very fair to your now dh.

I really don't think there is anything untoward going on and I would believe your husband.

I think your reaction is understandable given your ex's cheating but I think your reaction is down to your ex's behaviour and how it has affected your trust rather than being down to your husband's behaviour.

Yes inappropriate relationships can develop from innocent initial contact but it can also stay entirely innocent with no agenda from either party.

Ok, so consensus is that I'm over reacting. That's good to hear! I know that my ExH behaviour has affected me a lot. 20 years of gaslighting and cheating. I feel like my tolerance piggy bank is all out of pennies and someone forgot to replace the rubber plug! I've been on his laptop again today (I know!), and there is absolutely nothing untoward. Aargh. After 8 years, I should be all fixed surely. But I am not happy he started up the chat again on Friday. Without sounding harsh, who bloody cares if her sister is ill. She isn't a family friend. Up until yesterday I'd never heard of her. She hasn't replied, btw. Although she hasn't posted anything on FB since July, so maybe inactive.

You're being way too harsh regarding the sister, he's heard an old school friend is ill, who would'nt ask how she's doing? He's showing some empathy, it's what any decent person does. Saying who cares if she's ill is unpleasant, it could be flu, it could be cancer, so I would guess her family care, a lot.

Well that does sounds harsh. When my sister was very ill, friends I hadn't spoken to in years (some of them male) got in touch as a courtesy.

I'm as suspicious and cynical as they come but I think he's telling the truth.

To me it seems likes she's looking for some attention to feel attractive or whatever and he's made clear at every stage that he isn't interested.

He's done nothing wrong!

You may not care but it's perfectly reasonable me for him to care since they're old school friends. Your past doesn't mean you get carte blanche to snoop on him whenever you feel like.

YABU here very little doubt about that.

Haven't read the whole thread but I actually think the conversation sounds ok, it's a bit inappropriate and I can see why he didn't tell you about it but I also don't see that he crossed the line anywhere. He talks about you which is good, he doesn't really take the bait much at all and I interpret the 2 and 2 thing as him being aware that it could look bad.

It does seem like it's on the cusp of being more than that with him reaching out again, that is how affairs can start but at the moment I would say there's zero chance anything has happened except maybe in the distant past, the fact that there's such a long gap and he then just asks how she is doesn't exactly scream torrid affair. You're right to be cautious though.

Husky
I'm with you on this.
Life has shown me too many times how things can evolve, particularly when one party has a bad relationship/has left a bad relationship - ie. his female work colleague.
Yep, so what about her sister - as you say she's not a family friend.
I wonder how he would feel if you gave so much concern over a male colleague.

He sounds lovely and you sound concerned, but I don't think you need be. Keep talking to him, it's clear he wants to reassure you. He probably wanted to check in on her after hearing news about her sister, I've done the same after years of no contact with old friends, hearing they've had a terrible time, and wanting to let them know I'm thinking of them.

I agree with you as well OP. Just because nothing physical has happened (yet?) doesn't mean everything's ok. He got her to delete a perfectly innocent photo of herself off his fb wall, which she says she only wanted to send to him (er, why?), and he did that to hide it from you specifically - so you didn't put 2 and 2 together. That's a slippery slope. What else is he happy to do with her, that he knows you wouldn't be ok with, but he does it anyway and hides it from you?
The fact that he's started the conversation back up yesterday is bad news. He needs to show more concern for your feelings and your marriage than for hers. I think you need to have a serious talk and both agree to prioritise your marriage, including no more contact with this woman (other than what is strictly necessary at work), and no more behaviour which he would wish to hide the evidence of from you.

I can only imagine what sort of relationships other people might have.

There is absolutely nothing at all wrong with sending a photo of someone to them rather than put it on their public wall.

There is nothing inherently wrong with someone assuming their partner might not like something where there's history on either side.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with speaking to a friend via text or fb message or whatever and asking if they're still staying with someone.

And at no point has the guy prioritised his friendship above his marriage. He's been very clear in his messages to her that he's married and has not taken the bait when it's been dangled. If someone is so reluctant to engage in even mild flirting via text message it's generally because they aren't interested.

Also I have literally just sent a message to a male friend from work saying I'm thinking of him because he's going through a difficult time.

But it's just because I'm a nice person, not because I want to shag him, which I absolutely do not.

Wow OP, you are being very harsh on your DH and his friend, perhaps you are not over your ex husband's behaviour as much as you thought you were? if I expressed concern for a friend and asked how they were etc because they or their family were going through a hard time and my wife said 'so what' I'd be a bit

WamBamThankYouMaam

Indeed.

Some of the replies in this thread are ridiculous.

"I'm not sure he is being very sensible encouraging women to open up to him like that."

Do you have male acquaintances and/or friends? Do you talk to them about their lives or just about the weather?

Hi Husky, it does sound plausible, but there was no need for him to catch up, with her.
My advice is, go with your gut feeling, it's usually correct.
Be savvy ! 🌺

I think maybe husky would have liked a curtesy, oh blah blah from work is having a tough time, etcetc. That's not so difficult.

Hope you're ok op. Your dh sounds like an honest fella.

DH sounds like he's being a decent person.
But TBH she does sound like she's sniffing around him. I don't blame you for disliking this woman's way of interacting with him.

Bring it up.in conversation not in a challenging way , stop it now before it starts.

I do think you are being a bit harsh, but totally understandable given you past history.

You run the risk of doing damage to this relationship though if you keep checking up on him though. I think the best thing to do would be to be totally upfront with him and say that you are feeling insecure and hopefully he'll be able to provide more reassurance. You need to communicate with him rather than let these suspicions play out in your mind, your imagination might get the better of you.

Has something triggered this for you again or have you always checked his devices? It'll never help - you'll only ever be reassured that you didn't find anything on that check.

He should be allowed friends, too. You might not care about her sister but it's nice that he does, it means he's a good person not that he wants to sleep with her.

I can totally understand how your exhusbands behaviour has made you feel, but you risk both spoiling your current relationship and ensuring your never happy on this trajectory. Surely if you've been together for eight years and he's never cheated, he's earnt a bit of trust?