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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found this FB message exchange between Dh and a woman, not sure what to think?

152 replies

HuskyLover1 · 19/11/2016 21:58

Message was in July:
Him: Thanks don't think it was up long
Her: Sorry, it was a mistake. Only meant to send the pic to you. Won't bother you again
Him: Don't be silly. I wasn't bothered by it. You don't have to be like that. What happened in your marriage?
Her: Ok, sorry again for shocking you. I'm still married but it's not the best. I feel very unloved and have done for years. It will be our 9th wedding anniversary on 20th July. I want to enjoy my life with someone who loves me for who I am and wants to spend time with me. Hope you are happy.
Him: Not shocking. Good pic actually. Didn't want my wife to see it and put 2 and 2 together. I'm so sorry that hasn't worked out for you. You moved out or are yu going to get a divorce?
Her:No I'm very scared. How long have you been married?
Him: Scared of what? I've been married years.
Her: I'm scared to leave and be on my own. Hate life at the moment. How did you meet?
Him: You'll be ok I'm sure. You have a lot on your plate. I met Husky on POF.
Her: POF?
Him: Plenty of fish
Her: Where is Husky from? Hows life Hows work?
Him: Tells her where we live

^^ this was all in July

Then last night he sends her a message saying "how are you"

God tell me what to think about this :-(

OP posts:
nancy75 · 19/11/2016 22:32

Op just ask him & keep in mind it is possible for men & women to be just friends. She could be an old friend that has got in touch recently, isn't happy in her life and he is just trying to be a good friend to her

RepentAtLeisure · 19/11/2016 22:33

Maybe he meant 2 and 2 and getting 5?

If that was him flirting, he doesn't seem very good at it! But I would wonder why he reached out to her again after four months. Do you know who she is?

slenderisthenight · 19/11/2016 22:33

It would hurt me deeply but not necessarily mean an affair. But not the behaviour of someone I'd really trust. I'm sorry.

mumofthemonsters808 · 19/11/2016 22:34

I'm not sure with this one, I'm not picking up on anything sinister, the messages read like chit, chat between two old friends. I'm presuming she posted a picture of the two of them together and he did not want to rock the boat with you, hence him asking her to take it down. Some men seem to get their kicks messaging random women and the conversation is quite innocent, but the sceptic in me thinks it is just a matter of time before one of them tests the water, to see if there is any interest.Id nip this in the bud before it reaches the next level, but that's just me, I'm so glad my oh does not have female friends.

Original poster
HuskyLover1 · 19/11/2016 22:36

I have no fucking clue who this woman is :-(

OP posts:
nancy75 · 19/11/2016 22:36

I find it really a shame that people are not trusted to have friends of the opposite sex.

Optimist1 · 19/11/2016 22:38

I'm guessing she posted a picture that he thought would upset you (a provocative pose of her/an intimate one of her/one of her and him together in their past/one of them together since you've been married, or similar) and the tone of his 2 and 2 comment sounds as though there was nothing amiss but you could have misinterpreted what she posted. So in July I think she was trying it on and he wasn't interested. But I wouldn't be happy about the message he sent last night - sounds as if he's reconsidering her offer. Sorry.

KickAssAngel · 19/11/2016 22:41

IT sounds like they hadn't been in touch for years. Neither of them knew basics about the other's life. So, prob an old photo from an old flame, but she is looking to get back into his life, and he isn't clearly keeping a distance.

I'm good friends with some old boyfriends, and DH is with old girlfriends. Neither of us have a problem with that. But we would have a problem if the other one started having secret conversations, particularly as your DH doesn't really rush to say that he's happily married.

Puddington · 19/11/2016 22:43

Aside from the putting 2 and 2 together comment it actually sounds like he's being quite dismissive/uninterested (brushing her off with "you'll be ok", being truthful and open about the marriage instead of perhaps making something up about being unhappy etc) but it does seem a bit weird for him to message her again out of the blue after months of no contact. I think I agree with the people suggesting you to just ask him straight out, not necessarily a big confrontation but just to see if it can put your mind at rest. I hope it's nothing Flowers

BlackNo1 · 19/11/2016 22:43

I didn't get any hint of grooming from that passage Confused

Husky, if your DH has been married years (to you) he isn't lying to her.

The 2 and 2 together comment is suspect though, but could all be in the past and something he wants to keep there.
She's asking him questions about you and wanting answers but he would rather talk about what's going on with her.
Could be curiosity or something more on her part. Sounds like more to me.
As for your DP... nothing really there that you can put your finger on. And his messages to her doesn't mean he isn't happy with you.
I know that doesn't help, sorry.
Are you going to sit on it while you investigate further on the quiet?
ie: see if there's further communications? Or have it out?

pipsqueak25 · 19/11/2016 22:48

sorry, but at the risk of everyone jumping on me, i would be talking with him about it, i'm not one for going round in circles worrying and i would need to know.

BlackNo1 · 19/11/2016 22:49

Dislike even typing the word grooming...makes my stomach turn.

Guiltypleasures001 · 19/11/2016 22:50

It sounds like she sent him a pic possibly a risqué one or put up on her profile, then thought the better of it and took it down, but he'd already seen it.

They do know each other but I dont think intimately, to me it sounds like he's just trying to be friendly without getting drawn in to too much detail. I don't see affair in any of the convo

FannyFifer · 19/11/2016 22:52

I think she sounds like an ex, she put a old photo up of her & ur husband from way back, ur husband asked her to delete as it wld look weird.

FannyFifer · 19/11/2016 22:52

Wld look weird as he had never mentioned her I mean.

dailymailarecunts · 19/11/2016 22:53

Honestly? It would drive me mad and so I would be going to him now and saying, "who is X? I know everything so you had better tell me what is going on now" then let him talk and see what his reaction is.

I hope you are okay op Flowers

clarrylove · 19/11/2016 22:53

Have you looked her up on FB? Sounds like she is a FB friend of your H (he mentioned a post rather than email) and posted the pic on there briefly? He saw it and asked her to take it down I reckon.

SandyY2K · 19/11/2016 22:55

Maybe he meant 2 and 2 and getting 5?

I agree with this. I don't think theres anything going on with them, but he doesn't want you to see whatever it was and get the wrong idea.

There's no talk about the good times they were together, so I'm not convinced it's an old flame. Maybe a colleague or something. Who knows.

It's not an overly incriminating conversation on his part. I disagree with the grooming comment as well.

Littleballerina · 19/11/2016 22:58

If it's fb say you've had her as a suggested friend and you see that he's a mutual friend and ask who she is.
I think it sounds innocent.

FlowerOfTheValley · 19/11/2016 22:59

I don't read the 2 and 2 comment as suspect. Probably a photo of the 2 of them together and as you don't know her if you saw it you might get the wrong idea. I think if it was dodgy he would have phrased it differently in my opinion.

He makes it clear he's married and it sounds like they're catching up since they last had contact. Agree the old flame sounds a likely scenario.

I don't think him contacting her again is a sign he wants to get into anything with her. To wonder how someone is can be entirely innocent.

Not sure why he won't be straight with you though. He clearly thinks you would jump to conclusions if you had seen the photo so he may not necessarily be honest if you ask him. Any idea why he thinks you would jump to conclusions - has he got form.

SemiNormal · 19/11/2016 23:02

e was polite to her, made it clear he was married (for years) and didn't try to continue the conversation any further than was needed.

Has she been posting drama llama stuff on Facebook? Perhaps she has and he's noticed and is genuinely a bit concerned? That would explain the recent message. In all honesty I would leave it and perhaps check the chat again in a few days and see what the conversation is like then - at least if you leave it then you'll know one way or the other if you can trust him or not.

BenLinusatemyhomework · 19/11/2016 23:03

Sounds like an ex to me and I can't see anything untoward. The "2and 2" comment might just have meant that he didn't want you to think there is anything current going on between them.

The new comment could just be genuine concern. I dunno, I wouldn't wig out too much about it as yet.

mrwalkensir · 19/11/2016 23:04

they just sound like old schoolmates chatting - don't think that there's anything to worry about

Dadaist · 19/11/2016 23:05

I think it's fairly obvious that your DH hasn't initiated anything inappropriate so others may differ but the line "You'll be Ok I'm sure (subtext - you don't need anything from me and I'm not offering) and then "you've got a lot on your plate (subtext - I'm not going to get involved) and then ends with how he met you.
The 2 and 2 is unfinished and in the context sounds very much as though the completed phrase would be 2&2 and get 5!
Also OP - it's clear she knows virtually nothing about your DH these days - so they haven't spoken in years and years.
You have really no reason to suppose anything happened between them or certainly no hint that it happened when you were together (see 2&2 comment above).
Of course OW sounds lonely - depressed, seeking attention, and has come across your DH (and we don't know how, could be just her Facebook search for him as an old flame/school friend etc). People in unhappy marriages get in touch with old flames or people they once liked - it happens.
His getting back in touch? Perhaps he is being kind - perhaps she's posted something cryptic in her status, perhaps he's curious, but again, you are quite a few steps away from something inappropriate, an emotional affair, etc.
I hope that helps?

Lethimbloodygrowup · 19/11/2016 23:07

I agree with most people, she is ex from before you!

Regarding the message he sent last night, i sometimes go through old facebook messages, maby he done the same and reread the messages and thought he see how she is