Last night I found condoms and viagra while cleaning out garage

[MindFuckDailyMailisshit]

Second marriage of 12 years. We are in our 50s. We've had our ups and downs with a particularly bad year in 2015 when my husband became withdrawn and depressed due to work problems.
Things have improved and I thought we were happy. I don't see very much of him as he works away and has elderly parents he visits on Saturdays ( when I tend to spend time with my elderly mother).
He's generally good company although will not go on holiday or away for weekends due to his work commitments and his parents. He is unaffectionate and due to his depression our sex life has suffered but I've been trying to get that back on track. Yesterday I was cleaning out the garage and his sports bag was open and there was viagra and condoms.he has never needed to use condoms with me as I had the coil. I asked him last night and he said he bought the viagra to spice up our sex life. He said he bought the condoms by accident in a pub machine by pressing the wrong button.
I'm absolutely heartbroken. He says it's the truth and his behaviour was a whim he can't explain. He has apologised and said he will do anything to save the marriage. I've been awake all night and I don't know what to do.

Op are you enjoying your life? It sounds as if you have to work hard to make it bearable. You are the one who tries to 'get things back on track', make allowances, put up with his depression and moods and lying. Listen to him describe women as 'dirty slappers '.

And lying to you.

And why can't he make his own appointment if he wants to deal with his hair?

It's possible that the feeling of vulnerability that you describe is actually caused by living with him.

I absolutely 100% agree that he's probably sleeping with prostitutes while he's away at work.

He is certainly lying through his teeth.

Quick note to add: I remember reading an article written by a man who was having an affair (anon, of course) and his wife had found blonde hairs in her hairbrush. She'd confronted him and he had denied it - his advice for anyone cheating was to 'deny, deny, deny' as 'they want to believe you'.

Wish I'd kept the link - it really hit home. They take advantage of the fact that we want to see the best in them

SandyY2K No I didn't tell my friends in front of him. I told them the facts and they expressed their option based on those facts. I relayed their views ie they all think he has had sex with someone not just "thought about it" to my H.They all like him, they don't have any ulterior motive, they want us both to be happy but they reinforce my feelings that he's minimising for damage limitation. He didn't actually use the word "coerced " but he implied I'm trying to turn my friends against him. This isn't true, I just want to discuss my situation with them as he is making out I'm over reacting and a bit neurotic.
LellyMcnelly I'm so sorry you went through that but at least you found out the truth eventually
Aquamarine yes I suppose I do know it but I don't know the extent of the cheating. I always thought I'd cope better than I am doing if I discovered infidelity but it's one of those situations- you don't know how you'll react until you're the one going through it.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds yes the dripping of information , the lies, the denials, the blaming it on depression and midlife crisis are all sending me mentally off kilter.
I think we can all struggle at times with the aging process .I know I do sometimes . I have also suffered with depression and was on medication for a year. This, I explained to H , however ,did not grant me carte blanche to gratify myself with any passing male that was up for it. Believe it or not,even at my age there have been offers over the years had I wished to follow that path.

"They take advantage of the fact that we want to see the best in them"

Or: they exploit the fear of finding out the worst. It is a form of emotional abuse.

We don't need to find out. Not being happy, not having trust in our partner, putting up with moods, road rage, constantly upping and accommodating the threshold of unreasonable and unacceptable behaviour.....until the behaviour being endured takes away the victim's self belief and strength to protect herself.

OP, I do fully understand that it takes time to take the emotional and practical steps to build a better life for yourself. Just be very sure in your own mind that you are not adjusting your own expectations and needs in order to accommodate his behaviour. Keep a perspective, and don't be gaslighted. Know that you are right. You don't have to waste energy in endless circular discussions with him.

Don't let him undermine your relationship with your friends. They are on your side.

TheStoic yes it really wouldn't surprise me if he was on dating sites although he's probably deleted any incriminating evidence by now.

Cary2012 thank you for your advice. I need to gradually process my thoughts and focus on the future that I want.

Blu before condom discovery day I can honestly say I loved my life. I'd learned to live without expecting my H to contribute to my happiness. I really enjoy my job and have fantastic friends. I have a good social life and holidays with either my friends or family. I didn't see very much of H as he works away. When I did see him he was generally pleasant so I just made the best of what I had.
Incidentally, I booked the appointment as I knew he wouldn't get round to it and I wanted him to suffer the pain! Really got to me that I was shaving his back when he was up to god knows what.

Bitoutofpractice I'm not sure if it was prostitutes, hook up site ( I've stated earlier in the thread he had a casual, no strings, website link written down on a stick it note in his wallet ten years ago) or an affair with work colleague. Could be a combination of all three for all I know.

AML84 yes the deny,deny,deny seems to be the default setting. Makes me feel angry,sad and anxious and I have also been experiencing panic attacks. I'm going to the GP next week to try and access counselling.

Blu thanks for your words. This thread is really helping me. You are so spot on about how we adjust our tolerance of unreasonable behaviour; when I first met my H he used to get mildly irritated when driving but now he gets enraged. Someone likened him to a character Michael Douglas played in a fill called Falling Down. I can see the similarities!

What I want you to avoid OP, is going down the road I travelled along for two miserable years. I knew that ex was cheating, but honestly OP he was so convincing with the lying, would look me straight in the eye and repeatedly denied. I nearly had a breakdown. He said I was paranoid, unstable and just stuck to the script. I ended up on anti-depressants, lost weight I couldn't afford to lose, and became a sad shell of my former self. All because he didn't have the balls to tell me the truth.

Those two years pre-split were far worse and damaging than the years that followed me throwing him out and divorcing him.

Just don't be me. Don't think you are the one who needs fixing. Men like these are toxic. x

I think in long long term relationships/marriages and especially where children are involved, there's a tendency to want proof of something before you end it.

Even when the relationship isn't that good and one or other is being treated pretty crap or just ignored/neglected.

There's a lady who's DP has been been horrible to her for a couple of years, but they have young DCs.

He would raise the volume of the radio up when she was talking, he was rejecting her serially, and but she still stayed.

She said she couldn't leave and throw the relationship away without a good reason. She had suspicions he was cheating, but no proof. She had access to his phone and there was nothing there.

I told her to look for a second phone and suggested hiding places. She found the phone and discovered he's been cheating for the last 5 years, of their 8 year relationship.

She's now left him, but in all honesty the way he was treating her was enough reason to leave. Even if he wasn't cheating, he was really mean to her.

You won't always get to the truth, but sometimes what you do know is enough to decide what to do.

Op maybe I was projecting

I have recently found out that escorts are very commonly used and, it seems, completely accepted as the norm amongst certain professions that have men working away from home s lot.

I had this, DH was hiding things then when I found condoms he'd bought them for blowing up as balloons for a laugh ..... It was the lieing I couldn't live with so eventually I left, I hated the person it was making me become. Only when I'd left did the truth come out

So.....we have just been out for a drive and I said I'd give him one last opportunity to tell me what happened. I'm sure you can guess what he said....that's right " I thought I'd have sex with someone else but had no one in mind"
I asked when he bought the condoms? Reply "I can't remember " I asked where he bought them? Reply " In a hotel with giant chess pieces in the foyer ". I asked why he bought 2 lots and again he couldn't remember. I asked who he'd fancied over the last few years? Reply " Women on tv "but no work colleagues he could think of.
Amazing these memory lapses aren't they? it's so pathetic I have to have a wry smile.

Conclusion: I've told him I don't believe him. I've told him that buying and hiding viagra and condoms is cheating. I will stay with him as long as it suits me, until we've paid our mortgage off (soon) and have got our financial assets sorted. He said he will use this time to "woo" me which I responded by wishing him luck as the very sight of him repulses me at the moment.
I'm done with asking him anymore questions and I'm done with trying to negotiate with this man as I can think of more productive ways of spending my time. I no longer have his back, he has lost my loyalty and I will not let him diminish me. Thanks for all your messages.

Well done OP

However awful things feel right now, a year from today you will be feeling differently (better).

Thank you MudCity and Cary2012

Good luck OP. Stick to your guns. You'll feel better for it.

You are strong.

Well done OP

You'll be much happier without this emotional vampire as a husband.

You'll look back and wonder how the hell you managed to put up with him draining you for so long.

I have been reading this thread since you started it, and was glad to see an update.
Go you! Whilst I'm sad its come to this, its time for you to live Your Life and you arent whilst he is still trying to pull the wool over your eyes. All the best with your fantasic new future

Leave him to shave his own back.

If you look at the best before dates, you'll be able to narrow down when the condoms were made/sold

He's minimising everything. Hes cheating you alright, cheating you out of the truth you're entitled to.

"He despises himself"........this.......... To be that self hating, one would assume that he'd have to have done something pretty bad and full of guilt to feel so awful about himself. If iI had bought a few condoms and left them lying around quite innocently, I sure wouldn't be bothered, let alone despise myself.