Last night I found condoms and viagra while cleaning out garage

[MindFuckDailyMailisshit]

Second marriage of 12 years. We are in our 50s. We've had our ups and downs with a particularly bad year in 2015 when my husband became withdrawn and depressed due to work problems.
Things have improved and I thought we were happy. I don't see very much of him as he works away and has elderly parents he visits on Saturdays ( when I tend to spend time with my elderly mother).
He's generally good company although will not go on holiday or away for weekends due to his work commitments and his parents. He is unaffectionate and due to his depression our sex life has suffered but I've been trying to get that back on track. Yesterday I was cleaning out the garage and his sports bag was open and there was viagra and condoms.he has never needed to use condoms with me as I had the coil. I asked him last night and he said he bought the viagra to spice up our sex life. He said he bought the condoms by accident in a pub machine by pressing the wrong button.
I'm absolutely heartbroken. He says it's the truth and his behaviour was a whim he can't explain. He has apologised and said he will do anything to save the marriage. I've been awake all night and I don't know what to do.

He is telling you the minimum he thinks he can get away with, do not let him turn this around because he has done something wrong OP, hand on his heart or not. At best he planned and intended to cheat. He might well have cheated too, but he's minimising as others have said.

He is trying to blame it on a midlife crisis, that's pathetic. He should have put the time and effort into fixing things with you, rather than planning to cheat.

You deserve better than this. If you forgive him, he'll take that as a green light to do it again in the future.

My son is 24. He knows of condom discovery as he was helping clear the garage. He is horrified and wants nothing more to do with H

sorry OP it's not sounding good. They don't do mixed condom brands in machines (happy to be corrected on this!) So you know he's bought condoms 'by accident' at least twice..............and doesn't use them with you.

Rather than actually getting round to spicing up your sex life he hid the Viagra in the garage?

I suspect he is genuinely sorry and upset that you are upset and suspicious. But it is possible to be messing around AND contrite and horrified to contemplate the break up of a relationship.

You have to ask if you will be at ease while he is working away.

It amazes me that people can come up with these excuses at the drop of a hat. If I were a bloke caught w condoms & Viagra I'd be a deer in the headlights.

The ease w which he came up with an excuse is enough reason to ltb.

I think he is probably visiting escorts..

How can you be sure he's really going to see his mother? He sounds like a very caring son

Yes lizzie I was amazed at how he was able to behave in such a casual manner. His initial words when confronted with the condoms and viagra was a nonchalant "oh them? I should've thrown them away"

Sorry OP but someone that hides those sort of things in the garage is hiding them for very suspicious reasons. And I fail to see how you can 'accidentally' buy condoms from a machine. Having been through all sorts of shit with a previous partner,I am of the opinion that if someone hides something from you,they are practically always up to no good. I suspected that my exP was hiding and withholding money from me. I found a cash machine receipt in his bus pass holder,when I emptied his jeans pockets for washing,that stated there was in excess of £300 in his account,on the previous day. I checked that the numbers on the receipt matched his card. The previous day he had been pleading poverty and borrowing money from me. When I challenged him,he said 'One of my workmates must have put it in there'. Oh really? Your work colleagues make a habit of tucking their cash machine receipts in your bus pass wallet? Give me a fucking break!

Oh the versions they go through. Lie after lie.
I also had "I didn't do it" which became "I thought about it but didn't go through with it".
I never did have evidence until after we split - though I knew he had.
When I dumped him to more chimes of "I never went through with it", I said - that's a lie, but even if we're true, that is good enough reason for me to dump you.

His lies are laughable. He got condoms just because he was thinking about cheating? And two different brands...? Nice to have a choice, huh?

I suspect like me you're as angry at being treated like your thick as you are at his willingness to cheat

OP ... firstly I'm not going to patronise you, as you know he's cheated really don't you? Absolute shit of a man not being able to tell you the truth

I went to my stupid twat of an ex's house once (5 years into our relationship). Found used condoms in his bin. Asked him straight out, without flinching, 'my little brother (who was 15 at the time) brought a girl round here earlier so they must be his' Vomit. It's the lies and the casual manner that they say, that puts the doubt in your mind. But with him, and now your DH, you know full well, they're liars and you need to LTB

I'm furious for you.

It's the lying. Why do they fucking do it? And the making you think you're going crazy or overreacting. Cunts.

Do whatever suits you best. And don't waste another thought on his worthless, lying ass.

Thank you all for your support because without you I'd feel like I was going insane. He's so plausible

I feel awful for you OP - I went through the same (only Viagra, no condoms - which I wish I had because at least there would have been am indication of protecting himself as well as me).

It's fucking awful.

Like you I bought his bullshit for a while - it was convenient to do so as we had just moved to a new City. Eventually finding out about the prostitutes was the final nail in the coffin.

Easiest decision I ever made.

Walk away, he's no good.

OP, he is a lying shit !
I've read the thread and he most certainly is.
Take some legal advice, behind his back, and get your ducks in a row.
You might not have to leave /lose the house.
I'm sorry this has happened to you, and glad that you have reliable support.
Your poor Son. 😡💐

Agree with everyone here. Just end it. The trust has gone.

Yes the trust has well and truly gone. I want him to tell me who he was "thinking of having sex with" but he said he had no one in particular in mind. To me that makes it even worse. I can't believe you'd go to the trouble of buying viagra and condom just in case you might have sex with some random woman.
I wish he'd just tell me the truth.

I asked XH to at least have the respect for me to be honest so we could move forward together. I could see he was visibly relieved that I was willing to forgive and to get it off his chest.

I then told him out marriage was over and saw a solicitor the next day.

Ducks in a row. Mediation to separate and untangle.

Incidentally. have you been sharing a bed? I got divorced a lot quicker because we were in separate rooms - got two years with consent immediately as we were pretty much living separate lives.

I agree OP, it is worse that he had no one particular in mind. Like he just wanted sex without strings. Says it all about his attitude towards women, and you in particular.

You will do what you have to do when you are ready to, Sort out the practical stuff, and detach from him.

I don't think anything he says can make this better, and you're a lady who deserves better than this low entitled man.

It's Monday morning now and whatever choices you make this week about your future, this weekend will not be forgotten in a hurry. Can I counsel a few things from bitter experience? That you make a clear private decision in your head about whether infidelity has occurred or not and then hold on to it. I'm afraid I'm with most of the other posters. I think it has already occurred and he's just been caught, but any doubts on your part will mess with your head and he will take advantage of that to drive a rift between you and your son and you and your other friends if he plays the wounded indignant wronged husband "how could you think this of me?"card. I find his initial instinct to gaslight worrying and I think he will use it again, if not to you then to others. If you're not sure what gas lighting is pls google. I didn't know what it was until someone explained it to me and then suddenly so much made sense. Try not to talk to too many friends and family about this until you are clear in your head about you decisions moving forward? If you do decide to try and save marriage it will be impossible if all your joint friends know what's been happening. While it helps that your son knows what's happened at the same time as you, your reactions may diverge in the future and you need to be prepared for that. You will both be grieving the loss of the relationship you thought you had with your husband but your son's was based on different parameters and may be salvageable if he chooses. Allow space for that if possible. Get the legal advice you need regarding finances. If you can't afford a solicitor for long term use get as much free advice slots from them and then look for a recommended Mckenzie friend who may be an alternative option. Work out the worst case scenario if your husband left the family home and stopped paying anything? Mortgage payment holidays? Lodgers? Do not move out of the family home yourself. Do not do anything, or not do anything you will regret later. No showy public denunciations or cutting up clothes. It's tempting but it won't help. Finally check the money situation. Like your other posters my husband was also removing lots of money from the family unit without my knowledge. More than £30,000 is still unaccounted for. Sadly deception may take more than one form. Escorts, prostitutes and girlfriends all cost money. I would pay particular attention to 2015 and to Friday/Saturday cash withdrawals. Hopefully we are wrong in our suspicions.

Mind, this is a really horrible situation. But if there is one thing I can't stand it is lying. That's what really gets me in all this. He thinks that by lying he is minimising the damage, but what he doesn't get is that you already know he's a liar. He's lied in the past (badly - the post-it jumping into his wallet), he's lied in the present (pressing the wrong button on the machine). So the likelihood is he's still lying. Stupid man. If he told you he'd slept with one woman, you'd probably believe it, (even if it was actually 5 affairs over a period of 10 years), but he still thinks the 'I haven't done anything' lie will work. There can be zero tolerance of lying so even if he did tell you he was thinking of this specific person, or he has been on this website (only once, mind) etc. etc. I wouldn't believe anything that comes out of his mouth anymore. And that's his fault.

Just to be contrary, is there any chance that - behind all the pathetic lies so far - he could have actually not had sex with someone?
You know he is weak & depressed, could it be that he hasn't actually been 'brave' enough to go through with it?
There is a possibility that you found the viagra & condoms before he used them.
Also -
Does he normally take his sports bag away with him?
Was he away when you found them?
So would the potential OW be local?
Sorry to add more uncertainty.

If he had bought them by accident surely they would have just gone straight in the bin as there is usually a bin in the toilet, he wouldn't be stashing them in his sports bag?!?!?

Post Christmas update:
Please don't flame me for not LTB it's not that easy in RL - it might have been in my 30s or 40s but now I feel more vulnerable.
We got through the festive period and amazingly I enjoyed some of it. My H still maintains his story of " thought about sex with someone else but didn't go through with it" also denying there was anyone in particular. This makes me livid as it simply doesn't add up. It's so frustrating as he is emphatic. Sometimes I can put it to the back of my mind and other times I'm like a woman possessed and I won't let it drop.
I know for sure I will never trust him again and trying to work out if I can live like this. He is being the devoted H he never was but I'm finding this very false as if condomgate had never happened he would be continuing to prioritise everything before me treating me like his "beige" wife.
Reading other threads on MN and that wonderful Shirley Glass book recommended on here have kept me sane over the past few weeks.

Do you think he's just being extra nice because of the guilt? I feel like all men are the same :(