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Original poster

Last night I found condoms and viagra while cleaning out garage

173 replies

MindFuckDailyMailisshit · 19/11/2016 07:04

Second marriage of 12 years. We are in our 50s. We've had our ups and downs with a particularly bad year in 2015 when my husband became withdrawn and depressed due to work problems.
Things have improved and I thought we were happy. I don't see very much of him as he works away and has elderly parents he visits on Saturdays ( when I tend to spend time with my elderly mother).
He's generally good company although will not go on holiday or away for weekends due to his work commitments and his parents. He is unaffectionate and due to his depression our sex life has suffered but I've been trying to get that back on track. Yesterday I was cleaning out the garage and his sports bag was open and there was viagra and condoms.he has never needed to use condoms with me as I had the coil. I asked him last night and he said he bought the viagra to spice up our sex life. He said he bought the condoms by accident in a pub machine by pressing the wrong button.
I'm absolutely heartbroken. He says it's the truth and his behaviour was a whim he can't explain. He has apologised and said he will do anything to save the marriage. I've been awake all night and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Hissy · 12/01/2017 21:51

What's the use by date on the condoms, that will give you the age of them.

He's minimising. Cheaters script. Don't let up on him. Tell him you'll not stop asking until he tells you the truth.

If he doesn't cough up the truth, he can go. Today.

His choice.

Stupid man

((((Hugs))) for you lovely!

Original poster
Mindfuckdailymailisshit · 12/01/2017 21:52

He says he realises how much he's got to lose. Yes he most probably feels guilty too as he's said he despises himself. I despise him too at times. Alternative between anger and numbness. I'm amazed how detached I can be at times - like I really don't care.

OP posts:
Hissy · 12/01/2017 21:52

Sorry, hadn't realised you'd updated. Still don't fall for his bs. He's absolutely hoping his devoted husband act will give you the convenient amnesia he needs you to have.

Original poster
Mindfuckdailymailisshit · 12/01/2017 21:55

I know Hissy his complete denial is driving me to insanity at times. How is it plausible you would buy two different types of condoms and store them in two different bags if you had no one in mind.
But he denies and denies and denies.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mindfuckdailymailisshit · 12/01/2017 21:58

I'm going to the GP to see if I'm eligible for counselling as I know I haven't put my boundaries in place over the years and I've been too accommodating to people in my life. Having said that I have mainly wonderful people around me who have given me great comfort and support so I'm very lucky in that respect.

OP posts:
JustSpeakSense · 12/01/2017 22:10

Obviously this has been going on for at least 10 years, when he got away with the lies about the website you found. Viagra & condoms sounds like prostitutes. Hopefully the condoms mean he's being safe, but please have an STI check just in case. I find it incredible that he is still lying after all this time.

SandyY2K · 13/01/2017 01:33

OP,

What are the chances your husband would believe that you hadn't cheated, if he found a packet of condoms in your bag? Do you think he'd buy the story he's spun you?

I'd be tempted to say, "if you stumble upon condoms and lingerie in my bag, and it will be because I was thinking about spicing things up"

I would let him know that whilst you haven't left him, and you want him to know you don't believe his story for one minute and you aren't a fool and will be getting an STI check, because you don't know if he's placed you at the risk. Some STIs can still be passed on with condoms being used.

BarbaraRoberts · 13/01/2017 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Mindfuckdailymailisshit · 13/01/2017 08:38

SandyY2K I don't think he'd believe me for a minute and I'm pretty sure he'd be very angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Mindfuckdailymailisshit · 13/01/2017 14:32

I text H this morning and asked how he'd be if the scenario was reversed and that if
I was the one ....

1)staying in hotels all the time, paid no attention to him and we had a crap sex life
2) he discovered my sexy lingerie, lub/condoms hidden in 2 of my different travel bags

He responded "I'd be concerned " and "I'd ask questions "
I think he's minimising his reaction as one of our married male friends went off with single O/W. My H ,at the time did not say a bad word about married friend but called single O/W a " dirty slapper " "slag" etc
If I was the one caught with evidence of extra marital sex I think he's call me those names and be seething with anger. He's apocalyptic with rage these days when someone cuts him up when he's driving so I can't imagine he would react in such a mild fashion if he suspected me of infidelity

OP posts:
TheTroutofNoCraic · 14/01/2017 13:26

I think it's more likely an affair rather than sex workers...it's my understanding that sex workers generally supply their own condoms.

TheTroutofNoCraic · 14/01/2017 13:27

However, his minimising of his friend's actions are concerning, his shifting of all the blame onto OW is particularly telling of his attitude towards women in general.

Huskylover1 · 14/01/2017 13:33

Deal breaker for me. LTB.

HyacinthsBucket · 14/01/2017 13:36

You can't prove whether or not he's been unfaithful; but you do have proof that he intended to be. That alone would be reason for me to leave.

SandyY2K · 14/01/2017 14:08

He responded "I'd be concerned " and "I'd ask questions"

He knows that's bull**t. I believe he'd call you every name under the sun like you said.

2 packets of condoms for a possible" maybe I'll cheat."
Was he intending on an orgy or a sexathon?

When the foundation of trust is gone, your relationship is left on shaky ground.

Original poster
Mindfuckdailymailisshit · 14/01/2017 15:24

I know, it's on very shaky ground. We had a discussion last night ..... he tried to turn things round saying I didn't understand what his midlife crisis had done to him. He also accused me of coercing my friends into believing he cheated. I know that's not true,I merely told them the facts and they all think it's highly unlikely he only thought about sex with someone else - a story he's sticking to.
It amused me recently as I always used to shave his very hairy back for him. I have now stepped down from that duty and I booked him in for a chest and back wax. I know it was childish of me but I was delighted to hear how painful it was for him. I'm also delighted it's all started to grow back so it looks like another waxing session will be imminent Grin

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 15/01/2017 00:35

I was delighted to hear how painful it was for him. I'm also delighted it's all started to grow back so it looks like another waxing session will be imminent

^^ Sounds great.

So did you tell your friends the facts in front of him? Or have they told him what they think about his story?

I think he's using the word coerced wrongly too. You have no reason to forced your friends to believe he's cheated.

He knows you aren't buying it and now he wants to play the victim.

LellyMcKelly · 15/01/2017 00:55

Similar happened to me. Found a bag with a number of different types of condoms, lube, etc. Turned out he was gay and had been shagging all round him for years. At least I knew why he wasn't interested in me.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2017 02:23

I'm so sorry. He's cheating on you and you know it.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 15/01/2017 02:39

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

Minimise.

Minimise.

Minimise.

He is following the classic cheater's script isn't he. Only admitting to the bare minimum and trying to gaslight you to make YOU the unreasonable one.

Fuck that.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 15/01/2017 02:40

Just to be clear, HE is the one dripping - I wasn't implying you were drip feeding OP!

TheStoic · 15/01/2017 08:52

I'd be looking for his profile on a dating site.

Cary2012 · 15/01/2017 09:03

OP, you sound lovely, but you simply can't be treated like this.

This guy is following the script to the letter, he's so boringly predictable.

Please take control here and refuse to be part of his pathetic games.

You have all the proof and evidence you need. There is no plausible explanation. Whether sex workers, or not, the guy's a cheater. You know it, he knows it, we know it.

Focus on what you want, don't waste your energy in trying to get to the truth. He will never be honest, because the damage is done. He is so obviously minimising, his next tactic will probably be blaming you in some way.

Just think about what you want and take steps to get it.

AML84 · 15/01/2017 09:04

God, I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been cheated on before, I overlooked the signs and then five years in he came clean out of the blue. I ended things - we were young, no children - but I had similar numbness.

I didn't deal with the feelings and let the numbness go on and on and it eventually led to severe panic attacks. The numbness is a great protection mechanism for helping you get through the immediate issue - but as soon as you feel able, definitely see a therapist or your GP. Talk to friends and family, meditate, do whatever you can to face the feelings (god, that sounds so new age wishy-washy but it's so important for how fast you'll recover from this!). Good luck!!

Cary2012 · 15/01/2017 09:07

Just to add my ex denied, denied, denied. Sent me insane. It was only after I filed for divorce the two year affair came out. So I never had proof from him, but I didn't need it at the end, because his constant denying without explanation was all the proof I needed. Stay strong OP x

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