What happened when you told the husband/ wife

[Molly333]

Following on from a recent thread in here what happened when those of you told the partner/ husband/wife of the person who was part of the 'affair' ?

The guilt I have over what I did to a family - even though I wasn't the first, and probably not the last OW of his, will never leave me. The fact I added to a secret his wife feels she needs to carry and in her words 'bears his shame' will always eat me up. The reaction of the wife of the man I had the affair with is probably not typical, but hurt her nonetheless :-(

Quinn's, I bear my husbands shame that he would think so little if us that he would do that to me and my beautiful children.

I was told to stay well away from the OW and her husband.

Essentially his behaviour is my secret and I am ashamed I trusted him.

What words better describe it than that?

Please don't think I'm picking on you or judging you as an OW. I promise I'm not. shame is the only word I have to describe it and every situation is different

To add to the original question I asked OW to apologise, she claimed she did no wrong then blamed her mums cancer battle in her behaviour.

I have never heard from her husband but he got all evidence in the post.

Littleredpear, sorry, I didn't mean her words weren't what she felt. I just wanted to say that she said those words and not me - I don't think she should feel shame, she did nothing wrong - she was the innocent party, but I understand why she would say that now by what you have said.

I've been thinking of another word and ashamed is the first one I come to after sad

Imagine having to tell your entire family why the kids are upset and you've turned up on their doorstep with a bag at 3am. Your pride goes down the pan.

Imagine being so angry you call someone a c** in front of your mum.

It's not my fault but it's my shame

Hope you are doing well now Quinn's

Unless you think it's acceptable for a man to punch his cheating wife and break her hand then you shouldn't think it acceptable for the wife to do the same to the OW. Shocking justification on here for violence. And it's sexist too unless you think my above scenario is okay too.

darkages, for me the guilt I feel for my exdh is still there at times. I sometimes think it doesn't help that we get on so well.

My marriage was gut wrenchingly sad towards the end, and as you have said, would have ended anyway, OM or not. It has taken me a long time to 'get over' my last marriage. We were together 17 years and had so many happy times. yet over time the stress of two small dc, both working full time and running our own business - plus the death of his parents and several redundancies took its toll. We were both so desperately sad towards the end, but neither of us had the courage to end it. We were both so beaten down.

I am now in a place where I just focus on the good and I am blessed that our dc are happy and exh and I have a good relationship. But obviously there are things I still miss about my old life.

I miss not having my dc all the time. We have a 60/40 split which is very flexible, especially as they are now teens. But I still miss having them with me all the time and being a 'proper'family. I also miss my old marital home. Exdh and I spent a lot of money on it making it our forever home. I loved my big driveway and garden and how we had spent a long time making it just the way we wanted it. We sold the house when we divorced and both bought our own places.

A lot of people on here, and in RL could easily say 'well you made your choices - you ran off with OM' etc. And yes, I do accept responsibility for the choices I have made, even though it could just have easily have been exdh who decided to leave. We would've split anyway. Doesn't mean that i don't feel sad about the past sometimes.

I do sometimes feel guilty about my exdh. Especially as he has little family left in his life and has not met anyone yet.

I will probably get flamed for this, but I don't feel guilty about dh's ex wife. They too were heading for divorce and their marriage was doomed. They both made mistakes in their lives / marriages, way before dh and I got romantically / emotionally involved. dh and I were the catalyst in us leaving, not the cause. I refuse to take responsibility for my dh's marriage breakdown, that was between him and his ex wife. I feel awfully sad for dh's dc though. There life is very complex and upsetting now due to their parents splitting. They have not faired anywhere near as well as my dc.

As mentioned in pp , the pain of the separation seems to be worse than the affair... so I ask the ones who lived this situation: do you wish you were given a second chance to work the marriage? Or if you wish your partners had forgiven the affair?
Do you think you could still be together?

Sorry I know it's a lot of "what ifs" but all the interesting points of view in this thread made me think...

Thank you sapphire and all the others who have been so honest and brave to talk about it

Luna, I'm pretty sure my exdh would have forgiven the affair, it wasn't the act of sex that did it for him - I don't mean to sound flippant but it was only a few times. It was the fact that I was in love with OM that did it. Exdh knew that this was something that could not be overlooked.

I don't wish we were still together, I am very happily married to my dh now. But of course there is a part of me that wishes exdh and I had worked out - life would've been so much easier for us both, and our dc I guess. A broken marriage represents broken dreams, and we were very happy in the early days.

i didn't plan on being a divorcee, or having an affair etc. who does? You live and learn so to speak.

i do feel I have learnt a lot about myself through this experience though and it will probably make me a better wife this time.

Sapphire it's so weird. I could have written your post almost word for word. The utter sadness is almost unbearable at times. It's not what you thought would happen when you got married. And like you I am really close to my ex - though he will never, ever see / acknowledge / be in same room as OM. Fully accept the blame. Though he behaved pretty badly in the marriage it wasn't really his fault - more a product of his upbringing. I'll bear the guilt for ever. A long period of counselling pulled me out of the depths of despair, and made me realise I wasn't entirely worthless, and not all of the blame rested with me.

However, ex is very proud and will never admit any wrong doing to me.

We still do family stuff with the kids - birthdays etc - we both enjoy it - new partners not so much, but they accept it I think.

This has been a really interesting thread and pp have said - not the usual flaming.

Interestingly, ex has cheated on his current partner - claims she knows but I'm not convinced - but says that it's different as they have no children...

The flip side of being so close still is that we have the power to hurt each other - and do fall out from time to time. Maybe we should make the break, I don't know really.

Interesting thread. I left my husband for OM over 3 years ago now. My ex is with somebody else now. I am still with OM. Ex and I have a good relationship and still talk regularly re our children (in their 20s). The guilt I continue to feel for my actions is like a disease - it continually eats away at you. Never disappears. You feel guilt for your ex, your children, your partner's children, your parents, your friends, family. You are ashamed of yourself and your actions. Your selfishness. All of that.

Do I regret my actions - course I do.

Do I wish I could turn the clock back - course I do life would be far easier!

Do I still desperately love the man I left my ex for - yes I do.

Can I see us working? I bloody hope so after all this - yes its a daily struggle with a split family and outside pressures but we do love each other.

Is it about choice when you have an affair? - Of course it is. You have the control to stop at any time. My advice to anyone ever thinking of it would be don't do it. It has a catastrophic effect on so many lives. It is life changing and life destroying.

However I cant change what's happened it is done. Nobody has the right to judge anybody. Shit happens. Those involved suffer the consequences whether people think they do or don't. In fact, my ex husband and my partners ex wife whilst very cruelly deserted by us, have moved onto new lives with new people. They have the love and admiration from our children and friends whilst us 'cheaters' don't - not deep down. We bear that 'label' even if people don't say it you know they have thought it. Don't get me wrong all our friends have supported us and our families. The children whilst angry and hurt have seen 'me as a mum' for the real person that I am - thankfully. I don't feel I deserve it but I am a good mum to them and they know that.

I was never confronted by my partners ex. My husband never confronted my partner. None of us have come face to face with each other although I know the day will come. We all live in same village. But I respect the boundaries. If partners wife had confronted me - yep I would take it on the chin.

Every bodies lives are so different - we cant all be saints just try to be good people.