What happened when you told the husband/ wife

[Molly333]

Following on from a recent thread in here what happened when those of you told the partner/ husband/wife of the person who was part of the 'affair' ?

Bubblegum, think of a woman who's been forced into an arranged marriage to someone who is abusive, domineering and unpleasant. She doesn't feel she can leave him because she'll bring shame on her family (who forced her into the marriage in the first place) and be cast out by her society. She falls in love with someone else and she 'cheats'. It's an extreme example but do you think she's wrong to do that? Because if not, you're admitting that in certain circumstances, cheating is ok. From that point on, it's a scale really. It isn't always easy in life to just walk away from a marriage.

‘She is very like you in regards to the whole long lost lovers/sole mates/meant to be crap’ – I am not trying to sell you a cheesy story Bubble, I am simply stating the facts that we didn’t just cheat for shits and giggles. I was merely putting the story into context.

So just because I showed little remorse in my first post, you immediately accused me of not having remorse, when in fact I did – but that dwindled over time.

I think it is all too easy to project ones own feelings / situations onto another, and I’m sorry for the death of your brother, clearly there are some raw memories here for you.

Yes she is wrong.

The abuse in her marriage is wrong but so is having an affair. Two wrongs never make a right. You cannot try and cancel out one awful act by commiting another.

Also, Bubble, kudos to you for leaving your unhappy marriage without cheating. Yes I know I should’ve done it sooner, definitely before I had got physical. At that point in my life I was feeling very sorry for myself and felt like dh didn’t really give a shit about me anymore anyway. I was also feeling very resentful that I had tried to fix our marriage in the past and he had seemed cold and indifferent about it. Like I said, everyone is different and each situation is different.

We never set out to cheat, we knew what the right thing to do was which is why we both left our marriages.

I don't want your saorry Sapphire thank you.
It was a women like you (by that I mean a cheat) who caused his death. As i said probably projecting loads and not as over it as I thought.
Strange how 1 post on a random thread could bring up all these feelings. Mostly hate as it happens.
Again sorry you got the verbal brunt of it.
I would go and take it out on exsil but she deserves a slap and as i have been reminded many times that is against the law.

Bubble inflexibility isn't a virtue!
Assuming you are responding to Squids post I am shocked at your lack of understanding of that situation. Its as if you are saying everyone should suffer because you did?! I would not wish the things that have caused me suffering in my life on anyone else. And I would not blame someone for trying to find some comfort in a horrible intractible situation - there are no prizes for martyring yourself...

BubbleGumBubble I really hope that one day you will get over the bitterness and anger that you seem to be carrying around with you. It must be truly awful for you and everyone who comes into contact with you.

Maybe you should consider some counselling before you end up like my dh's ex wife.

I'm kind of shocked by that too... You seem to think there are these absolute rules and the context means nothing.

I don't think people like Bubble who has pre-determined idea on things and presume all situations are the same give a shit about context.

It is not a lack of understanding.
It is how I feel.
Being in an abusive relationship does not mean you have a free pass to do bad things. I have great sympathy and empathy for anyone who suffers abuse but I cant say "oh but you were so right to start an affair and put your energy in to that instead of leaving the relationship".

'Being in an abusive relationship does not mean you have a free pass to do bad things'. - And I would argue that being hurt or let down by someone also does not give you a free pass to do bad things, i.e commit violence.

And i'm sorry but i am in no way going to waste my life feeling any more guilt or remorse for what has happened. Life is too short and precious for that.

I have had councelling but it still hurts.

I do still feel very bitter. I lost my brother who I loved because of the selfish act of an affair. Not an accident or a mistake but because his wife chose to fuck somebody else and lie and cheat.
That act took away a son, a father and a friend.
To see people be so flippant about the affects affairs have, to minimise them and call them mistakes makes me sick.

Maybe you should consider some counselling before you end up like my dh's ex wife.

Low blow.

Bubble that is a terrible thing to say to Sapphire!!! Who upthread had empathised with you for thee loss of your brother...
That you have experienced suffering & loss does NOT give you the right to be mean... You really need to think more about being a better person yourself (we all do) before starting on others.

BubbleGumBubble, i suspect your story is not the norm though. Most people get over a relationship breakdown / affair and move on.

I don't think I am being dismissive by suggesting that life goes on!

must be truly awful for you and everyone who comes into contact with you.

Again low blow.

My family love me and my friends are supportive. They understand and because they are good people being around me is not awful for them because I am not a bad person. I would never put another through this simply because I could not do the honest thing.

Bubble that is a terrible thing to say to Sapphire!

What terrible thing?

That was not meant to be a low blow, just that it can't be healthy for you to be living your life with so much bitterness like you admit you are.

You admit you are projecting your experiences, quite aggressively onto others.

And I shall reliterate again, i did not say that the physical act of infidelity was a mistake as in a 'whoops look at me having sex, ooh how did that happen' way - i referred to the terms mistakes in the context of how things had played out in my life, decisions both I, dh and exdh had made, the way i told exdh, the fact that I hadn't had the strength to leave my marriage etc.

Bubble I hadn't seen yours of 1521

Hurts do continue to hurt but its good if its possible to find a way to rethink how you feel about it and/or find a way to live with them. Maybe go back to counselling if you have not been able to deal with your hurt fully yet. In the NHS (at least where I live) it is possible to refer yourself again but I think there needs to be a bit of a break first...

'must be truly awful for you and everyone who comes into contact with you'. _ I mean that in a way that people in your life must see how upset, angry, bitter, snappy, defensive, sad etc you are and that can;t be easy for them!

PS You said a woman like you caused yr brother's death...

DSis was being cheated on, she kicked him out. She went and told the OWs bloke, who kicked OW out. Him and DSis became friends whilst exchanging gory details. 10 years on they are now married with 3 DDs

I've followed this thread from the beginning. There are no 'absolutes'. No black and whites. Bubble it's a tragedy that your brother died; and you must be distraught. However we never know what goes on behind closed doors.

To hold someone solely responsible for someone's death (let alone all peoplw who cheat!) is irresponsible. We all have choices.

Sometimes we make bad ones.

Hats off to sapphire - I made the same wrong choice. I was in a horrible relationship and couldn't leave. He wouldn't let me. Controlled my every move. My affair was wrong and I will live with the guilt for the rest of my life - but it gave me the freedom I needed. Fortunately ex-DH got over it and met someone else. Had it ended tragically I would have been devastated and probably blamed myself. But it would still have been his choice. Just as it was to control me to the point I chose (wrongly) a desperate measure.

Bubble please don't be so judgemental.

Jesus Christ Mombie2016, be careful not to post a happy ending story on this thread...