What happened when you told the husband/ wife

[Molly333]

Following on from a recent thread in here what happened when those of you told the partner/ husband/wife of the person who was part of the 'affair' ?

Your making the assumption bitchqueen that I am not aware of the affect an affair has, sadly I am - however I don't know the details as to why those two people did what they did and it's not for me to judge beyond thinking it is wrong.

But what is black and white to me from samphires posts is the physical violence she was the victim off and I think given the force it takes to break someone hand the person deserved to be prosecuted. If it had been that posters husband doing that to her I don't think many people would agree that was acceptable regardless of the fact she had been shagging someone else.

penguins I'm not saying it's acceptable at all. But I find it odd that you're saying let's not judge the people having the affair but we should judge this woman who possibly had her heart broken and reacted badly which she probably regrets now.

Yes she should have been prosecuted. It is assault. Should she have to suffer the rest of her life for a mistake she made? No. Not in my view anyway.

If I shagged someone else's husband and they turned up on my doorstep I'd fully anticipate being punched in the face.

It was an incredibly smug post suggesting that her new cheating bastard DH's ex wife is some kind of sore loser.

I didn't at any point say let's not judge them for having an affair. I said I find it utterly disgusting to have an affair and that I think it is wrong, what I said was that I don't know the background as to why they did so I can't judge beyond thinking in general it is wrong to have an affair, seen many shades of grey when it comes to affairs.

I also never said about what the consequences should have been for the women who carried out the violent attack what I actually think is she should have been punished accordingly to the full extent of the law, which it sounds like she was

Violence to me is very black and white and affairs can be all shades of grey from what I've seen on here actually.

If I punched someone and broke their hand, I'd expect to be done for assault. If you work in education with children, you will lose your job with a criminal record, that's the deal.

I thought it was told in quite a factual way rather than smug. I prefer not to judge as selected words can often be taken in all sorts of ways and people have their own emotional responses to subjects that have nothing to do with the personal backstories that we can't ever really know about.

I emailed the OW and sent a letter to her DH.

She was a shallow, callous bitch. I don't regret emailing her, however I didn't get what I wanted out of it, it didn't bring the peace I was looking for.

That's what made me write to her husband, I told him everything and included emails, texts etc that I had so that he could also use it as evidence for divorce. I never heard from him directly but I know they are divorced now.

Violence isn't always black and white at all. I work with people from violent backgrounds. There are all sorts of mitigating circumstances.

It most definitely sounded smug. And im not at all sure why when the prize was a cheating husband.

Thanks for your replies v interesting indeed . My dad had affairs and my mum always found out in the end , mostly it was her friends too .

I think if it was me I would always want to be told but perhaps in the kindest way possible and perhaps discreetly so I could make plans ( to divorce him ) and to plan how I would approach it myself

Calleigh sorry to disappoint you but I know quite a few people who ended up happily married to the OM/OW so you go ahead and think the cheaters always end up cheating again or whatever but sorry it's just not that simple.

Oh FFS, I don't think Sapphire sounded smug at all - she answered the OPs question factually. And now the MN lynch mob have come on to derail the thread.

Being cheated on doesn't give you the right to seriously assault someone and fracture their hand.

Anyway, to answer your question OP I don't know of anyone who has been cheated on who has told the other injured party. I do know of an OW who told the wife -presumably in the hope that the man would leave his wife). He didn't and he and his wife have gone on to have a child together and are still married.

This is not quite the point of the thread but OW contacted me after she and my ex broke up. Basically ex cheated on me with OW, she got pregnant, I found out, ex and I split up. Ex then proceeded to be abusive to OW and dumped her while she was pregnant. OW contacted me to ask if he'd been abusive to me in the past (he hadn't - was a right bastard, but never raised a finger).

It took a lot of effort not to send her a smug reply.

I think in some worlds people get punched when they destroy other people's entire lives. I know many MNetters live in naice little bubbles where they believe everyone should behave with total dignity no matter what the provocation. That's not real life for many I am afraid and I cannot blame the wife in Sapphire's nasty little tale. I agree with the poster who said Sapphire didn't kept to the plan and so it all went up like a volcano, when it could possibly have been managed with less fall out. That woman lost her entire life when those two decided to shag. I know who I feel sorry for.

I have been in situations where I have been so angry with rage and wanted to punch someone but didn't,
I would end up with a criminal record and it's not worth it.

So no , I don't believe people don't have self control even when the rage sets in

Dear judgmentals.

You've highjacked OPs thread in order to attack Sapphire. Rightly or wrongly she answered the OPs question with her own experience. End

It is common to initially direct your anger at ow/om when it should be directed at dh/dw. How did she break your hand out of interest? Did it turn into a fight and your hand was broken or did she just full on attack while you stood there? I am not condoning the violence at all, but the extreme devastation brings out the worst in people and you lose sight of your normal moral compass. The punch and hand heals, where as the devastation to the cheated on partners and family members never does. Ever. Again, I am not saying she was right but it was maybe (I don't know her she may be always violent) a momentary loss of judgement. Affairs are months of poor judgment. Planned get aways etc. Not spur of the moment actions. Again not condoning just trying to highlight although violence in wrong, affairs cause permanent damage and are purely selfish. If you can talk and plan how to get away with it with om/ow, you can talk to your dh/dw to end it.

Breaking bones isn't 'assault'; it's 'GBH' (grievous bodily harm), and a custodial sentence would have been one of a number of sentencing options, so the individual actually got off lightly and I have no doubt that the court took into account the mitigating circumstances.

Would you want your child to be taught by someone who can't control their temper to the extent where they carry out such a vicious attack, whatever the provocation, because I certainly wouldn't.

Affairs happen, they happen everyday, just look at the constant threads on here. Who knows what is going on in someone else's relationship? That doesn't mean that they are not extremely painful for those involved, but it's not an excuse for extreme violence.

Sorry for joining those who have digressed from the OP's question.

Well I'm the one who started this thread out of interest as I too wanted to confront the other woman but never did as she lived a long way from me . However im not a violent person but probably would have hit the woman because of the huge pressure the affair put me under , I know that sounds awful and am so glad I didn't now but I'm not sure I wouldn't have as I was very much in the worst situation ever in my life at the time .

I had a one year old who didn't sleep, a six year old who cried night after night for her dad who she thought she had let down and failed and that's why he left her ( he never told her different , let her believe that) . I also had injuries from when he had physically assaulted me, ( he was drunk on the night he told me and also tried to get in my daughters bedroom to tell her so I stopped him and he hit me , the result was I couldn't see properly) . Also he was telling me continually that I was a failure wouldn't cope unlike his new woman who cherished him and adored him ( she too was married with two children) and would cope, unlike me who was a mess and had ruined his life !
Ten years on I hv a degree , my own home two gorgeous kids and a new well paid job . His woman stayed with her family and he married to a woman who nags him continually and he's really unhappy ( grapevine told me )

. So in conclusion what I'm saying is I think I may have hit the other woman out of sheer desperation , upset etc but Im so very glad I didn't but do in many ways . But I do understand those who have as its the most painful hidious place ive ever been in and I guess my gut Instinct and need to protect my children would have taken over but I do know too that makes me as bad as him and his violence and emotional abuse - divorce and happiness is really the best revenge

It's amazing how many people say 'affairs happen' as though it's just one of those things.

They are not just one of those things. A lot of work, time and effort (that could have been better spent on their own family) go into affairs. Affairs are a decision.

The emotional fallout on the wronged parties often cause all sorts of emotional and mental problems. Personally I can understand someone lashing out. The emotional pressure and then they just snap.

An affair is planned. Meeting up is planned, hiding it is planned etc

I can understand someone snapping in the moment more than working out how they can shagging someone behind their spouses back.

Back to the thread. I went with a friend who knocked on her husbands ow door and told the husband. I sat in the car and waited.

It's quite recent so not resolved. Friend still isn't sure wether she wants to try and move on or end her marriage.

She was and still is glad she did. The ow was very smug about the fact that her husband wouldn't leave her anyway. He did. He may go back, who knows. But friend thinks it was worth it.

in this case though the woman was a business contact of my friend. The husband met her through his wife. My friend also told the company that the ow worked for as they wanted to know why she refuses to purchase their product for her business and wanted to send all the stock she had back.

Ow also lost her job.

For every affair that turns out ok (Cheaters happily married and get on with exs etc) a shit load more turn out awful for everyone.

God that post (mrssappires) made my stomach turn. That poor women. You ruined her life and frankly you deserved to be smacked.
I hope she has moved on and is happy to be shot of her scumbag husband.

Scooby how vile of all parties

Some of these posts sound like Jeremy Kyle fodder. Nothing good seems to come out of the "they have the right to know" which is revenge wrapped up in moral high ground. And yes I have been on the receiving end of this, best revenge is to stick your nose in the air and walk into the sunset.

infinite Not sure I would say vile. But then i am probably am biased towards my friend. But no one 'won'. Non of them have covered themselves in glory.