What happened when you told the husband/ wife

[Molly333]

Following on from a recent thread in here what happened when those of you told the partner/ husband/wife of the person who was part of the 'affair' ?

'must be truly awful for you and everyone who comes into contact with you'.
I'm sure people say exactly the same about you. Selfish, deceitful and spiteful is what comes across in this thread.

ocelet i did put in brackets cheat. Is Sapphire not a cheat?

If you HAVE to reveal the affair, I think the best thing to do is to tell the person your partner is cheating with, that you will tell their spouse/partner in 2 weeks unless they do it first.

Sometimes a cheated spouse drives the two lovers to be together by informing the 4th party. It's forcing a situation and putting people into a corner where they have to make a drastic decision - indeed, a decision that they might not have made if unprovoked.

BubbleGum.... you've obviously experienced a severe trauma and it's probably going to distress you further to read this thread. No matter your experience, you are going to read about people who have created happy lives that have borne from affairs.

Lastly, people who end their marriages during an affair to be together also suffer a lot of trauma a guilt - so much so that they are unlikely to repeat the sheer hell that they've gone through to be together.

I did not read one smug word in any of Sapphire's posts. She stated facts. Her posts have simply been read with the bitter filter of a wronged spouse. Understandable....but unreasonable.

Lastly, people who end their marriages during an affair to be together also suffer a lot of trauma a guilt - so much so that they are unlikely to repeat the sheer hell that they've gone through to be together.
Couldn't stop eye rolling at trauma and guilt. Of course cheaters are willing to take that risk again. The grass is always greener!

FrankAndBeans - Well you don't know me so you don't have to worry about that do you.

'Lastly, people who end their marriages during an affair to be together also suffer a lot of trauma a guilt - so much so that they are unlikely to repeat the sheer hell that they've gone through to be together'.

i would agree with that. Hence why I would never cheat again. Nor would I be scared to face the problems in my marriage again. Divorce is not an easy option.

I shall leave you too it. It has been a rollercoaster thread.

I think what you and your husband did was vile and I could not look at the person I loved everyday knowing they cheated and lied.
You have a happy life now regardless of how that has affected others.
I think it is the selfishness of affairs that gets me the most.

My brother could not live with the shame or the distruction to his life, the loss of seeing his son daily or losing the women he very much loved. He felt her affair was his failure.

At the moment I have a right to feel bitter.
I hope that subsides along with the loss and pain.

Lets hope this marriage number 3 lasts Sapphire

mrssapphirebright, you really do have my admiration to keep on with this thread (which really wasn't supposed to be about you!) and keep patiently explaining the position to Bubble who has been nothing but rude and dismissive of you.

It's never going to penetrate, no matter what you say or how simple and non-inflammatory the language but by God, you've tried.

I'm really glad that you and your husband are happy together. It's not always a disaster (as much as some posters hope for), sometimes it can be a harmonious outcome such as yours and MorrisZapp's in the case of her parents.

Life really is too short for grudges and letting revenge take over your sanity.

Leaving again? Surely not...

'At the moment I have a right to feel bitter'. - Yes you do.

And at this moment I have a right to be happy. And i am.

Bubble - Sapphire isn't your sister in law. And neither (so far as I know) is anyone on this thread. No two situations are the same, there is no black and white.

There are often extenuating circumstances.

I hope you find peace - but I don't think you'll find it on this thread.

I didn't confront because:

1. What I knew of OW's H was quite alarming. Had conviction for GBH.
2. My dignity is quite important to me.
3. I suspected that the fact that I knew about the affair, and I also knew where she and her H lived and could inform him at any point, was sufficient 'punishment'.
4. My energies were best directed towards my H.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I know! I was very surprised to open up this thread after the weekend and see that I had been crucified by Mumsnet! Especially for something that I consider to be in the past now.

Still got your kicking boots on Lying?

Fuck it feel free boot away. Admitting I am projecting and apologising for my treatment of posters due to the suicide of my brother surely deserves another kicking from you. Hey call me more names whild your at it.

So far we have had
Stupid
Hysterical
Bitter
Unhinged
Pepoa pug
Cheese sandwich.

I am sure your wit will allow you to add to the list.

ExH cheated on me whilst I was pregnant last year.

They're not together now, he doesn't see our baby, she's still happily married, her bloke never found out.

ExH was an abusive nasty sack of shit who left me with agoraphobia and severe anxiety issues.

As I told her at the time earlier this year - she was welcome to him, but to think carefully before leaving her DH because my DH was a nasty sack of shit and that I wished her luck with him, and would she like to see the DNA test proving baby is his, and the paperwork for domestic violence charges?

In all honesty and this probably makes me look an idiot, but I was actually more concerned about her safety with him. He has ruined me financially, mentally, he's a pathological liar with substance abuse issues. I worry for any woman he ever comes across. He also has a long list of charges against his ex, who he started abusing after their 4 week old baby died (SIDS). This all came to light the first and only time he hit me - I kicked him out immediately and then discovered I was pregnant.

The police ran his name and told me of his prior arrests and charges when they were at mine, carting him out of my home. Including drug possession, GBH amongst others. I genuinely didn't have a clue at all.

Bubble, if lots of people are saying similar things to you, it's not because they are part of my "gang" (are you 12?), it's because they happen to think the same as I do. It's not personal.

I'm sorry that you've lost your brother and if I could do anything to solve that for your family then I would. But there simply isn't anything for you to gain by directing your pain at other people who had messy endings to unhappy relationships. Yes, ideally they'd have dotted the Is and crossed the Ts before leaving, but real life is rarely that clean cut. And more importantly, in the case of Sapphire and others, their situations simply aren't about your brother and family.

This is twice now you've told us the thread is too upsetting for you and you should leave. For your own sake, you really, really should.

Bubble, I know you're a bit hard of reading but I did specifically post to you earlier to assure you that I hadn't called you stupid.

You are the one who is blethering all over this thread insulting posters who don't agree with you and resorting to calling them 'sidekicks'. You are dealing out 'low blows' as you call them, left right and centre.

You told Sheba to SHUT UP previously, perhaps you will take your own advice now because it's getting tedious and you're just endlessly repeating and insulting.

Life really is too short for grudges and letting revenge take over your sanity

This.

And I've seen bitterness & rage completely take over the life of a friend who's H met someone at work whom he left her for. She tried to poison their children against him too which messed with their heads bigtime :( She also targeted at least 2 MM that I know of possibly as some sort of twisted revenge on the OW

God your all still at it.

Leave me alone stop writting posts addressing me!!!
You go on about empathy and sympathy yet you still have to put the boot in after I have posted saying I was leaving!

My brother killed himself because his spineless wife did exactly what Sapphire did. Her actions have destroyed my whole family. So yes I get upset when people minimise affairs and find excuses for shitty behaviour.

You are a heartless bunch who only care about self justification and being right oh and kicking when I am clearly down.

I hope after each post to me you feel good about yourselves knowing with each kick you are making me feel worse.

Bubble i am very sorry for the pain you are going through. Suicide is awful to deal with and utterly extreme. ( i have lost two people to suicide).

You are angry and you are grieving. This thread does you no good. You are living in a nightmare that it is extremely complicated and may even have nuances that it is still too raw to suggest.

Perhaps look at counselling to help you.

There's no point sympathising with you, Bubble because every time a poster has said that they are sorry, you've lambasted them for it.

Nobody wants to hurt or upset you, no matter what you think, but this thread is obviously doing that. The only thing to do - for your own sanity - is really hide this thread. I hope you will do that - for you, nobody else.

I think that Bubble is clearly very unwell and I wish her well.

I am grieving. Not ill.

Yet you have kicked and kicked and kicked a poster who has done nothing to you and who's ex is fine.

If you had stopped kicking at any point the thread would have slipped down the page. But you clearly have a major axe to grind.