would you tell the other woman's husband

[lotti37]

My husband has had an online relationship with someone that works for him . They went away together and slept together. She moved 5 minutes away from where we live and I have to see her house everyday as I take my children to school. She makes me feel sick. She was actively after my husband but they are both to blame . She sent him videos of herself masturbating which I have kept copies and all her messages. I feel like she has ruined my life even though we are working things out. The fact she is carrying on as normal and her husband knows nothing . Should I tell him ? I hate the fact she lives so close and she reports into him.

A lot of men would never send videos but will happily receive them. It's a control thing and a particular sexual dynamic. And it suits them well because even though both people are equally complicit, only the woman runs the risk of severe humiliation and public shame.

I get that, sheba

But I don't believe it in this case.

I do actually know a woman who tried to end her affair with a married man but was blackmailed into sending him further, even more explicit pictures.

OP it sounds like you are a bit lonely and have very low self esteem. Your husband has talked you into believing it's not his fault when it is. Do you have any hobbies? Do you have anything in your life apart from your husband and child that gives you pride? I think you need to build on your personal self esteem so when he does it again (he doesn't sound sorry so It's only a matter of time) you will have the strength and confidence to say I'm not going to keep tolerating this shit. Could you get a part time job to give you a bit of financial independence? X

OP, whether it's shock, self-preservation, or blinding love for your husband, you are currently stacking up further marital problems for the future. Your husband has cheated on you and he has truly screwed up as a father, yet you appear completely fixated on the "other" woman in her assigned role as the evil temptress. I know it is hard, but stop blaming her and fixating on her husband.

Your husband is the guilty party here - he has engaged in extra-marital sex - an affair?? - you really need to focus on that and truly - and I mean truly - prepare yourself for the next time he cheats. You caught him out this time, yes? Is this his first affair? If so, it probably is not going to be his last. Can't possibly imagine what your poor child/children will think when they are older! To look after yourself, I'd suggest STI tests ASAP.

He had an affair 9 years ago I found pictures by accident by downloading photos onto a cd and when I opened it I saw photos of her and with this one a message came through late at night and I thought it was late and I checked it the next day . I will never know whether there has been others of course he says there hasn't been but the last one went on for about 18 months and stopped when I found out . I feel like there must of been others

You are a fool, love

He is a serial cheat

What more does he need to do to you before you call it a day ?

If you tell her DH, you run the risk of her marriage breaking up and then she is alone in that house and still clearly has a thing for your DH. And apparently your DH is quite happy to cheat when opportunity knocks...

To be honest, I think you should wrap your husband up in a pretty bow and drop him off at her house. Let them deal with that.

If you ruin the marriage (which is justly deserved) but don't LTB you are going to look like an absolute mug. Your husband and the other woman are BOTH cheating lying cunts

I totally agree with anyfucker
You are being taken for a complete mug. He cheated once, no doubt did it in between, and you have let him. You've taken him back once after and 18!! Month affair and he's done the same thing again.
Lots of men are flirtatious, it doesn't mean they shag around on their wives.

Oh God. So he's got form for this. I know it's devastating to have to confront such a heartbreaking truth, because you love him and need to be able to see him in a certain way and find a way to make his behaviour palatable. But you simply have to stop displacing your anger and hurt on to her. It lets him get away with it to do it yet again, and it hurts you more because it stops you from seeking a real solution to the actual problem. I am quite sure if it hadn't been her it would have been someone else. Because HE is the problem facing you. The OW is totally interchangeable.

Which means lobbing a grenade into her marriage, perhaps putting her in danger if her husband is abusive, or making him collateral damage in your quest for vengeance, is just utterly pointless. It's malicious in a way even the affair wasn't and worst of all for you, it's just a displacement activity so you can channel your feelings away from the one person who needs to confront them....and set the whole sorry saga up to happen yet again.

See a therapist, OP. You are grieving, hurt, angered, vulnerable and you need to look after yourself.

Could it be that you are one of those wives who sort of knows that her dh cheats but thinks she is special because he always comes back to her? You rock at the pick me game? Sadly if so you aren't special you are actually an enabler. These affairs he has involve women who think he loves them who put their marriages and jobs on the line for him, stop blaming them and start blaming him, take responsibility for your own marriage stop this abusive twat from hurting more people and stop colluding in it. Destroying her marriage whilst staying in yours us pretty unpleasant, her behaviour is appalling just like your dh's.

Why are you allowing him to treat you this way. This is the 2nd affair (that you know of). He has done it before and he will do it again.
What would you say if this was your daughter who was being cheated on by her husband? Probably tell her to leave him. Which is what you need to do. Unless you just accept the fact that he will cheat again and again

Because really there is no consequences for him cheating. You forgive him, don't break up with him etc. He has it cushty. Why would he change when there is no reason for it?

You were'nt paying him enough attention? Dear god, where is your pride and self respect?

You do realise he thinks you're a mug and he can get away with anything and you'll just blame the other women?

'I will never know whether there has been others of course he says there hasn't been but the last one went on for about 18 months and stopped when I found out . I feel like there must of been others'

Duh.

Get yourself to a GUM clinic, too. You're husband is a serial cheater.

I agree with AF, expat, and others.

Telling would be irrelevant. Imho, for you to heal from this, you need to stop being immersed in the middle of it because you can not heal while the insult is still present.

I think you need to end the marriage and move away from the neighborhood where the ow lives. Then you can recover.

Your husband is a cheat. He isn't going to stop. Staying with him is approval of the behavior. The only effective disapproval is to leave him. (Even a temporary separation then reuniting gives the green light that you will put up with it.)

Please get checked for STI and if it were me, I'd not do the deed with him again, or at least not until he proved he was infection free-which would include you attending the appointment with him and seeing the written results yourself. But that is clear evidence of lack of trust...the relationship is already gone. Sorry. Protect yourself. You need to care about yourself, because they won't.

Andthebandplayedon
I have lived in this area for 18 years and just moved in the same area to a bigger house my children go to the local school I feel I shouldn't have to move out of the area my friends are here. She has only just moved into the area 6 months ago .Still in shock at the moment.