would you tell the other woman's husband

[lotti37]

My husband has had an online relationship with someone that works for him . They went away together and slept together. She moved 5 minutes away from where we live and I have to see her house everyday as I take my children to school. She makes me feel sick. She was actively after my husband but they are both to blame . She sent him videos of herself masturbating which I have kept copies and all her messages. I feel like she has ruined my life even though we are working things out. The fact she is carrying on as normal and her husband knows nothing . Should I tell him ? I hate the fact she lives so close and she reports into him.

There's another thread on here right now where the wife is blaming the other woman and not her husband; when questioned she denies it but her language shows she is. I'm really of the view that you must care for your own relationship and your own self (deciding what is best for YOU) and not complicate it by wading into someone else's and giving them still more power in your happiness. I'm not sure I'd like to be told if the other spouse was just doing it in hope I'd end my marriage to carry out their desire for revenge.

Meant to add, whether OW is partly responsible to you or not, your husband definitely is, and he's the only person you can or should work with on this. So try to make her irrelevant and focus on yourself and your husband. Including blaming him. He's not a passive victim.

I bet he did go round her house though..only his word on that ..the word of a man who betrayed his own wife and fucked another mans wife? No. These people have no morals ..I couldn't believe a word that came out of that toads mouth tbh.

"She was after him for ages"

Did he tell uou that? Because that's what they all say, and honestly it takes two to tango, it really does. You're acting like although uou logically know he's to blame you really want to blame her.

Deal with him, forget about her. He really is the one who is your problem.

I would be furious, and having thought about it I think I would tell. It may not undo what has been done, or even particularly make you feel better but you are taking a stand, drawing line in the sand and getting some justice.

I wouldn't tell to destroy her life, I'd tell only of I felt sorry for her husband and thought he had a right to know.

But if you're trying to work things out with your husband, telling her husband will just make things messier and harder to move on from.

I think that because you don't know her husband, your loyalty is to yourself first. Sort out whether you can forgive and whether you want to continue in this marriage. The texts and videos are irrelevant. Most people may not have such evidence of affairs but sex and messages etc takes place in all affairs.

Don't take the ridiculous advice to print the pictures and distribute them along with the videos, unless you wanted to be arrested and taken to court.

Your husband is the one who betrayed you, not her. Get angry with him, and get an sti test.

Obviously op your husband is as much to blame as her- but you know that even if you can't admit it yet.
You deserve better than to be treated like this and so does that woman's husband- I'd tell him he deserves to know the truth.

Unless uou want to mess up his job, don't tell . Because uou don't know what the husband will do and the repurcussions. The husband may well tell the company. I doubt the woman will tell her husband she was after your husband, in fact, she will probably do what your husband did and say he chased her.

Bottom line he slept , probably had a full blown affair , with one of his employees, for most companies this is a huge no no and he could and should get fired if they find out. This isn't some random woman, this is a woman who works for him.

So genuinely if uou want to continue with him, then this has a high probabilty of back firing on uou completely if it results in your husband getting fired.

I told the ow she had 3 months to get another job and leave or I'd tell her husband. Not my shiniest moment but it worked, she left.

Oh and I blamed my husband for the affair but his job was convenient for our circumstances, I wanted him to stay where he was. I thought the upheaval of him looking for work and starting s new job would take away from our working things out. I did it for me and me only, not my husband and just as she owed me nothing, I owed her nothing either.

Absolutely do NOT print the pics and send to the husband. Not only is it a horrible thing to do (shocking the husband, shaming the wife) you also risk getting yourself arrested.

And deal with your relationship. I promise you no woman sends unsolicited naked pics or films to her boss. Your husband is taking the piss.

Badtothebone - that's a brilliant idea!

I've been a similar situation OP and I told the husband.
You have no idea how much better it made me feel. I couldn't get over the fact that her and her family were just completely unaffected while mine was going through hell. It was the best thing I ever did at that time.
They are still together now but at least he was fully aware of the situation and could make that choice. He was devastated, obviously, and needed the proof (screenshots) but ultimately he was very nice and understanding of my position.
It still angers me to think of her but I know I'm no where near as angry as I would've been had I not told her husband.
I would do it again in a heartbeat

badtothebone

That's pretty crappy behaviour on your part. You're lucky it "worked out" for you and that she didn't go to HR and claim that her bosses wife was harassing her. Or tell you more details of your cheating husbands behaviour. Or retaliate in some other way.

These things have a habit of blowing unexpectedly

Fact is she could be the most psychotic stalker ever but all your husband had to do was say no. One word. Simple.

He did this to you not her. Get angry with the right person.

Yes I would tell him, purely because I would want to know if someone cheated on me. Also I would feel massively hurt if I found out eventually and that no one had the decency to tell me so that I could make an informed decision about my life.

If you do decide to tell, then what happens there after is not your responsibility. As people say on here the OW is not responsible for your relationship, well then you are not responsible for hers - protecting or otherwise.

I'll never, ever understand the mindset of 'don't get angry with OW it's your husband who had the affair' - if OW is aware that the man is married then of course she is partially to blame and it's completely acceptable and natural to feel anger towards her, people on here make out that it's absolutely insanity to take an active dislike of the OW! Obviously the one YOU are in a relationship is to blame too but the OW is just as much of a devious rat, even more so when children are involved.

Obviously the one YOU are in a relationship is to blame too but the OW is just as much of a devious rat, even more so when children are involved.

I don't think anyone is disputing the fact that it's perfectly normal to be angry with the OW.
My point though was that in this case the OP seems to be glossing over her own husbands part in this affair. Stating it was the OW who did all the chasing, was after him for ages, sent unsolicited pictures and videos of her crotch.
I'm in favour or telling the OW husband simply because he has a right to know, but I'd be acutely aware of the damage it would cause to her family who are innocent so I'd wary of rushing in and showing him the videos, pics and messages simply to punish the OW. From what Iv noticed these people don't suffer anyway ..they just slink off together while everyone else picks up the pieces.

Huh? Why is the other woman more to blame if there is kids involved? - No, she is not more to blame than the man if children are involved, I'm saying both are devious rats - she is even more of a rat if children are involved, still no more so than him but more than if there were no children involved.

The point is not uou shouldn't dislike the other woman or any such shit, the point is purely and simply they are both to blame, and forgiving the man then ruining the other woman's life, who has never made a commitment to uou is just plain wrong. - If a woman takes a man back after an affair it doesn't not mean the man is forgiven or that he won't pay for his 'sins', there is so often that assumption but I doubt very much that it's ever the case. As for ruining the OWs life ... in what way? by telling her husband? then that is the fault of OW for having an affair in he first place, not the person who tells her husband. People know the risks involved in affairs, there is always the chance of being found out - how they are found out is irrelevant.