would you tell the other woman's husband

[lotti37]

My husband has had an online relationship with someone that works for him . They went away together and slept together. She moved 5 minutes away from where we live and I have to see her house everyday as I take my children to school. She makes me feel sick. She was actively after my husband but they are both to blame . She sent him videos of herself masturbating which I have kept copies and all her messages. I feel like she has ruined my life even though we are working things out. The fact she is carrying on as normal and her husband knows nothing . Should I tell him ? I hate the fact she lives so close and she reports into him.

I also pointed out that this is one side of the story. What if DH has lied to make himself look better to DW? The OW could unleash all kinds of hell on the family in revenge. I'm not sure it's a risk I would take if I was trying to rebuild things. Also yes to being careful with revenge porn.
Has DH been entirely honest about his role here? Because portraying her like some kind of wild horny beast is deflecting your anger from him to her.

I would want to know.
When it happened to me, I knew people knew about it once I'd found out.
I'd spent months thinking I was going crazy, trying to keep him happy.
I was livid when people should have told me but chose to not.
It's awful when you realise people have known for ages but you were the one in the dark about it all, the last to know.
It adds to the hurt.
So yes, tell him.
Try to do it kindly.
Keep all your evidence in case you need it in the future and in case he might want to see 'proof' of the affair.
He deserves to know all the facts about his wife so he can make an informed decision on what to do for himself.

However, as you and your 'D'H are working through things, will it impact that process if he founds out you have gone and told the husband?
It might really knock your reconciliation back!

I'd tell him. I'd dump your h, too. Working things out, my arse. She moved 5 mins. away. Think your h is having you on.

I would tell him. I would want to be told in his circumstances and think people having information, in general, is good.

Agree with PPs that your anger seems overly focused on OW and not your cheating H.

Absolutely I'd tell him! When I found my exp cheating I told her husband! And why not?? He has a right to know his wife is a cheat as much as you did! And I wouldn't care if she had pics/videos etc I'd want to know about them an all! When I caught my ex he played it right down, said it had been going on for a few months (although I'd suspected for much longer) hardly seen her blah blah blah! Turns out it was going on for 5 years on and off! He had stayed over when said husband was away working! Even left my kids home alone when I was working to go and see her! She told me all that. Not him! And I wanted to know. It is not an easy task but in my mind it's a must! Think how you would feel if he knew and you never and you found out a while down the line! It's a no brainer IMO and I'd do it again in a heartbeat if I had to!

Its a yes from me. I think if its out n the open in your marriage then it should be out in the open in theirs. Honesty is the way forward. the best revenge on her is to out the cat amoungst the pigeons in her life. Also, wouldn't you want to know if you were her husband? it's not nice for other people to know stuff like this. Poor dude needs to know what he is dealing with - especially as she is the man eating, husband stealing hussy you have painted her to be.....

Don't forget, when / if you do tell her husband (presuming she hasn't told him already and they are making a go of it) please bare in mind that she will probably have some wank videos of your dh and will claim that your dh persued her, that she felt swept away by the boss and simply couldn't resist etc. Oh and be wary that her dh will (rightly so) label your dh as a home wrecking wife stealing predator and maybe come round to your house and knock him out for banging his wife.

Have you told your H's family and friends, and yours? Or are you keeping this secret for him so he still looks like a good guy?

Fwiw I'd want to know. In your position I'd have told everyone in my circle too.

So try to make her irrelevant and focus on yourself and your husband. Including blaming him. He's not a passive victim.

I agree. I think the OP seems to be reluctant to confront the truth and focus her own relationship. Contacting the OW's husband is one way of avoiding the issue. OW and her husband's relationship is immaterial.

I'd like to add something to my last post if I may?
I still believe you should tell him and show him screenshots of messages. However as PP have pointed out you really could get in trouble if you show/send him those videos. Maybe mention that you have seen them. But I certainly wouldn't admit to having them in your possession.
Anyhoo, tell the poor bugger. The more I think about it the more I'm convinced she moved closer to you for the wrong reasons. Good luck

I would tell her husband.

I think something has to be done here. I would usually say not too as telling her husband won't change anything and will just drag everything out even more.

But this woman still works with your husband? And you have to pass her house everyday....I don't see how anyone could get over that tbh. Telling her hb won't improve anything but if might help you move on with your life which I'd say is the most important thing here x

I would tell him because if my partner ever cheated on me I would want to know. I wouldn't want to continue life as normal and it all come out Into the open years down the line.

I wouldn't give a crap about 'ruining her life' she should have thought about that before actively pursuing your husband. Sure she hasn't made a commitment to you like your husband has but she has disrespected you and your relationship so you don't owe her any favours.

I would tell him. I would hate that I wasn't told if my DP was/had been cheating on me. She has no respect to her husband to carry on as normal.
At least if the guy knows he will be able to decide if there is a marriage worth saving. She is not happy as she wouldn't have cheated. At least give the guy a chance to either repair his damaged relationship or move on so he can find someone who does love him unconditionally.

I once heard this: if you Love two people, always chose the second person. If you really loved the first person enough you wouldn't have fallen in love with the second

I'd tell him.

However you need to stop laying this blame entirely at her for. Your partner is equally to blame.

Is her child likely to be at school or clubs with your children? I'd need to make it clear I would stand up to her and part of that is telling her husband.

As said, I think the fact this is one of her husbands employees changes things, if the op is willing to take the risk the other husband is a vindictive bastard and tells the company her husband works for that the boss shagged his wife , abused his position of power, and she's willing for the husband to lose his job, then Sure go for it. The odds of him wanting them to keep working together are low, and the odds of the other woman saying it was all her fault and not that he chased her is also low.

She doesn't know the other husband or what he will do as his little form of vengeance.

Let's not pretend it's an altruistic act though in telling him, it's pure vengeance. Vengeance she doesn't want to seem to also seek against her husband. She should also be prepared to find out more gory facts about her husband that she might otherwise rather not hear.

On balance, as he's been shagging one of his employees, and she wants to keep the marriage alive, then escalating this to tell the husband is not a good idea. Because once she does it she can't control the fall out from it.

Tell him. I love how everybody here is a saint and wouldn't tell. I am sure if it happened to them they wouldn't be so saintly. Fuck her and fuck your husband, you don't owe them anything.

*You don't know what the other woman and her DH will do in retaliation.

So it sounds like a nice way of getting revenge but it could all blow up in your face

That isn't being saintly it's called thinking about the bigger picture*

I don't think it's about being saintly at all. It's about perspective..how do you justify blowing up the life of some insignificant woman's children while still sleeping in the same bed as the rat who shagged her and destroyed your marriage.

I would tell him. Not for the drama, not to feel better about it, to for revenge but because if my husband had been playing this kind of fuckery behind my back I would want to know.

Think very carefully here. At the moment all your actions should be looking out for you

If telling will make your situation better (or at least have a neutral effect), do it. If it might make it worse, don't.

Not for your husband, not for OW, not for OWH you

Actually, if they don't have kids then definitely tell him. He deserves to know before he makes the mistake of having kids with her.

Sound advice from AF

A likely consequence of telling the husband is your DH losing his job. Are you ok with that? Does that work for you?

I would tell her husband. Absolutely.
Why should her little life carry on as normal when yours has been turned upside down.

You will be doing him a favor. He needs to know that his wife cheats on him. Whether he decides to stay and work things out with her or leave will be up to him.
But at least he will have a choice.
At the moment he has no choice and is living a lie.

and you won't be 'ruining the other woman's life'.
She made the choice to sleep with a married man and all that it entails.
If her life gets ruined, it will be entirely her own fault.
Not yours.

Your husband didn't force her to sleep with him. She had a choice.