would you tell the other woman's husband

[lotti37]

My husband has had an online relationship with someone that works for him . They went away together and slept together. She moved 5 minutes away from where we live and I have to see her house everyday as I take my children to school. She makes me feel sick. She was actively after my husband but they are both to blame . She sent him videos of herself masturbating which I have kept copies and all her messages. I feel like she has ruined my life even though we are working things out. The fact she is carrying on as normal and her husband knows nothing . Should I tell him ? I hate the fact she lives so close and she reports into him.

Ok your last update has annoyed me.
You know full well it wasn't because you weren't giving him attention. He's just a prat. And she's 'of loose morals' also. It's his fault as much as hers I'm sure you see that.

• oh and it's certainly not your fault.

It's nothing that you've done OP. Your DH is just a cheat

He's done a right number on you hasn't he OP? He shags someone else, puts all the blame on her and then blames you for neglecting him?
Please wake up

Blimey, so any time you're not up for it he feels it's his right as a man to be serviced elsewhere? What a prize he sounds. Are you 100% sure it's over? He knows how to spin a story and make you feel guilty and I don't get from your posts that he's very remorseful.

The fact yours and her children might end up at the same schools is another reason to leave well alone. The repercussions could impact them. Horrendous.

Fuck the moral high ground. She's fucked up your world as much as he has, and as both are married they're as bad as each other. Sing like a fucking canary! I would!

OP, don't tell. I was on the receiving end of being told about my OH's affair (there was a thread about it a week or so ago.) The OW's OH contacted me to tell me all about it, after he had been tipped off well after the affair was over. It had a massive impact on our lives and because my OH was with this woman before we were serious it was a huge deal for her OH but less so for me. Nevertheless it destroyed me for about a year, I was so confused, had no idea what was true and am only really rebuilding our relationship and trust now.

It must be so hard to forget what's happened when you have so much evidence and you see her so often, and so hard to trust and move on. If your relationship isn't based on trust then leave your OH, or speak directly to the OW, but it is up to her or your OH to tell the other man. That's my opinion. But you can see my thread that I may be deluded according to other MNers.

He says it is over with her . I sent her message to say I knew .The OW was very jealous as she commented on how he looks at other women at work and how they look at him . I think he is very flirtatious and when you are high up in a company you will get lots of attention. This is hard to deal with .
.i have been a sahm for 11 years and this has affected my confidence . I have lost both parents, one who died this year that has been really hard.

OP, some of the comments you have made on this thread have been incredibly sexist and disparaging of women

where have you learned this shit ?

AF, she's learned it from a society where men are in control except for when they are sticking their dicks where they don't belong, and then it's all the wicked scarlet woman's fault. Where men are studs and lads and women are sluts. Where a male narrative dominates everything and women are defined by the men around them.

She's hurting and vulnerable and I wouldn't judge her for this, but if you're going to move forward in any way, OP, you must see your husband's actions as him. Not as the result of someone else pulling strings.

Yep Anyfucker and Sheba I'm with you. I feel for you OP I really do but this scarlet woman shit is utter nonsense and being senior makes him vulnerable ohhh puleeeaae!

There is only one person guilty of wrecking your marriage and that's your husband. She didn't twist his arm or blackmail him, he did this of his own free will.

Leave her alone , it won't make u feel any better . He's the one who needs to make this right .
Xx

I know he is guilty. I am not saying he is vulnerable? They are both to blame .

Get on his case then

So far you seem to be letting him get away with it and blaming OW.

Read your posts very carefully. You are angry at the wrong people. Get angry at him for treating you like nothing and angry at yourself for sweeping his disrespect under the carpet with bollocks like "she chased him for a long time"

Your anger is understandable but you have decided to stay with your husband.
You know nothing about this woman's relationship; for all you know she is desperately unhappy and living with an emotionally abusive man. Maybe, maybe not.
Your husband made a commitment to you and promised to be faithful. The OW did not. Your husband is the one who has "wronged" you.

Also, delete the pics. Sharing or saving them could well be an offence anyway.

God yes I'd tell her husband and send all the videos. DH and mistress sound like a pair of shitlords.

I would tell.

Because I would want to be told. How would they know otherwise, it may not be the first time and their sexual health could be at risk.

Sending the videos would get OP arrested for revenge porn

I'd tell him, irrational though this may be.
I wouldn't see why you have to go through this and she just skips on with her life.
I wish I could say I'd do the decent thing but the reality is I wouldn't.

I also wouldn't have stayed with him though

If they work together, I would tell the husband. Plus, they've moved closer and she's 'there'. She's still in your lives. I would tell him.

As well as being illegal, in my view distributing the pics would be ethically worse than the affair. I'm not justifying the affair, but in my experience, people who have them rarely do it purely to hurt the spouses. They do it out of lust, unhappiness, dissatisfaction, whatever, but the point is they are seeking pleasure or satisfaction for themselves, not to harm others. (They often justify it by saying as long as nobody is hurt, they're not doing anything wrong.)

Distributing the images as revenge porn, however, is a true act of malice with the sole purpose of harming someone. Again, not to minimise the pain of the affair and all the very justified feelings that go alongside it. But when you do something solely sadistic like that, I feel you lose the moral high ground. And get yourself arrested.

I think you're naive in the extreme if you think your husband would never send videos.

Yes. It's a rare woman that unilaterally sends mucky pics.

Who does that ? Pretty much no one. Unless you get paid for it.

Believe me, there was a payoff here and it's likely your husband's cock has played a starring role in her inbox.