would you tell the other woman's husband

[lotti37]

My husband has had an online relationship with someone that works for him . They went away together and slept together. She moved 5 minutes away from where we live and I have to see her house everyday as I take my children to school. She makes me feel sick. She was actively after my husband but they are both to blame . She sent him videos of herself masturbating which I have kept copies and all her messages. I feel like she has ruined my life even though we are working things out. The fact she is carrying on as normal and her husband knows nothing . Should I tell him ? I hate the fact she lives so close and she reports into him.

Tell him, but don't send any pictures.
I'm not sure, but I think it's against the law and she could end up using it against you.

Currently, I'm reassured she's probably petrified I could tell her DH at any time.

Who's doing this 'reassuring'?

Do you have visible proof she's petrified, or is your DH just telling you what he thinks you want to hear?

Are you 100% sure it's over.

If you tell the OW's husband then you might get a truer picture of what went on, and whether it has really come to an end, also whether there's danger of it starting up again.

If you tell him, then you have to be prepared to find out some more details.
Are you strong enough for that?

I would still want to know if it were me. But this is your life and your dilemma. The end choice has to be yours.

You're husband turned your world upside down, he broke his vows.
The OW has no obligation to you whatsoever.
I could never understand how a woman could take a man back after an affair, but each to their own.

I'd tell. I'd sure as hell want to know if I was in his boots.

Distributing the pictures or footage is indeed illegal; it's revenge porn.

Tell. How very fucking brazen and crude this woman seems. This isnt some deep forbidden love story of the movies, its some vile woman sending vids of herself gertting her rocks off to SOMEONE ELSES HUSBAND.

She should learn for every action there IS a reaction, and that others have every right to react, and she should expect it.

God forbid if this was me I'd absolutely turn her life upside down like she did yours to make her think twoce about doing it to some other poor woman. Her Husband has a right to know. I'd likely write a letter and hand it to the husband so that I got the closire of knowing he absolutely received it - what he chooses to do is ultimately up to him and thats his right. I would NOT go wailing and hollering in the streets however... as much as I'd probably want to tell the world what a piece of work this moan is.

And - sorry, easier said than done, but I'd bin your Husband too.

Sorry youve had to go through all this.

I found out a few years ago that a 'friend' of almost 20 years had slept with my then-OH. It ended my relationship but I didn't tell her DH for 3 reasons:
1 They have kids and I didn't want to throw a grenade into their daughters' lives
2 The people who do know (of which there are plenty) think that I am a good person because of point 1
3 She's spent over four years living in dread that her secret will come out and scuttling away quickly in the other direction any time she bumps into any of my friends. Must be torture for her. Good!

how do you justify blowing up the life of some insignificant woman's children

She's hardly an insignificant woman is she? She has contributed to turning the OPs life upside down and is causing her great ongoing pain. OP doesn't need to justify anything FFS.
If this woman has children and their world gets turned upside down too then that is entirely the fault of the OW and she should have thought about that before fucking someone who wasn't her husband!

Exacty! Alice

OP should be allowed her reaction. She doesnt have to justify it to anyone. How dare people demand she takes a buddhist approach. Her life, her feelings her choice!

Looseknickered tramp knew exactly what she was doing and what she was jeopardisingwhen she slept around and made the kinky vids.

To add to what Anyfucker said.

She sent him pictures of her privates but what did your husband send her? You don't know for sure that he didn't send her pictures. Messages and pictures can be deleted. He will lie because it's not in his interest to tell you all the gory details.

You unleash revenge on her, you never know what might happen in retaliation. You have kids to protect.

I think when people say the OW owes you nothing, they don't mean she's had no hand in your suffering. They mean that, as you decide what to do now and whatever path you choose for whatever reason, she must not be allowed any influence over it. It's between you and your husband, and you must resist the (understandable) temptation to mitigate his role in it by blaming her for making videos or supposedly pursuing him or whatever. Because if you don't, you will suffer still further.

The old adage about digging two graves before you embark on revenge exists for a reason.

So if the husband is a wife beating, emotionally abusive, violent thug, you're all still wanting her to rock round there and tell him?

Oh what about if he's a vindicitive fucker and phones the company and says hey uour manager screwed my wife, I've chucked her out and uou should know, and the ops husband gets fired, uou all think she should still rock round there and tell him?

What about if the husband comes round and beats seven barrels of shit out the ops husband, does the guy some serious damage, you all think she should still rock round there and tell them.

What if he does all three, she should still rock round there and tell him right?

Because that's the point, assuming she tells him and hey it's all gonna be good, vengeance extracted , the woman suffers and that's it, is a very big assumption to make. If she does it she must prepare to take the consequences, and as she wants to stay with her scumbag husband then she needs to be prepared for this.

What if she comes in next week and say, well I told, and now my husband is under disciplinary and may lose his job, he's left me, and the husband beat the living shit out his wife, turns out he's a major domestic abuser and she's in hospital, my life is ruined, what uou all going to say, well you shouldn't have wanted uour piece of shit husband in the first place and it's all their fault? Sorry, have some flowers?

Alice
The ops husband is the one who fucked up the marriage ..her husband at any point could have said 'no thanks love I'm married' he chose not to. He happy received the pics of this other woman's fanny ..in fact he probably begged her for them..and reciprocate with pictures of his own genitals. She is insignificant ..he is the issue.

If you are trying to work things out with your husband and you tell the OW's husband - how do you think it will impact on you and your husband - will he be mad at you for opening a whole new can of worms?

Do you really want to get involved with OW's family? Her husband may want to meet you, want details/proof, hassle you to leave your H etc - it may not be a case of tell and then it's done.

FWIW - I would feel like moving area as well - so I didn't have to see her or her house.

Think carefully and don't act in haste. In your place I would tell her husband, but not provide any evidence unless he asked for it. Even then, I'd only send him the messages, not the videos. I'd delete those.

I'd tell him because a) he has a right to know, b) keeping this secret is a burden on you that you may not want and c) actually, a lot of people feel better for doing so. That's it. The OW herself isn't a factor for consideration here. It's about what you think is best.

Although the idea that revenge 'rarely makes people happy' is such Victorian bullshit. Revenge makes loads of people happy, we're just not supposed to say so.

Ok. I would let him know, but I would do it anonymously.

That way you've gone with your gut instincts,
but it can't be linked directly back to you.

Why shouldn't she have some consequence for her actions?

Although, letting her live the rest of her life worrying whether someone will someday spill the beans could be a type of revenge in itself.

I feel like I shouldn't say anything as I don't know what he's like. I know she mentioned in a text conversation whether my husband would sleep with anyone else other than her , ow said she would if her husband wanted her to !

Thing is I know she loved my husband and how they were a good fit and talked about sex toys . We have been in our house for 6 months before she moved into the area. The hardest thing is not been able to get away from it and having that reminder at least 4 times a day. Feel sick inside .

Sorry you are going through this OP! I genuinely know how you feel! I've been there. When I told the husband he was grateful to me that I had confirmed his suspicions! Chances are he probably has some idea! Both couples tried to work it out, they lasted 6 months and myself a few years! Although looking back I wish I'd never bothered as I never trusted him again and for good reason he was still cheating so feel I wasted those years! Anyway he deserves to know, deal with the consequences (if any) later.

And just to add, I know it's a cliche but it gets easier! Not over night but probably a couple of months before your insides stop turning and the sick feeling goes away but it does! Try to look after yourself as best you can and stay strong for the kids

I can only guess at how awful this feels, but uour focus does seem to be heavily on her and not him.

For me, you need to think through all the possible repurcussions of what could happen if uou told him and if uou are willing to accept any and all of those possible repercussions then go for it, if you aren't then don't do it. Because uou really have no control over what happens next after you do it, after that uou cease being in control. It's over to the husband and the other woman to decide what happens next.

Delete the messages and video for your own mental health. Really don't keep that shit.

I would:
*Tell her DH, he has a right to know
*Delete the videos, you could be in serious trouble if you share those or pass them on
*Kick your DH out. Has he even been punished for what HE did to you? Seeing as HE is the one married to you

I understand why you are in such a quandary regarding this. I would be too.

The fact that she moved near you makes me nervous. I still don't think I'd tell her husband though, going by what you have said I wonder if he already knows and it is part of a fantasy he has. Or if he doesn't I most definitely be having a quiet word in her ear to remind her exactly what she could lose if you didn't keep schtum and the fact that she is conveniently close makes it very easy for you to go and knock on the door if necessary.

Is it possible she can be redistributed within the company your husband and her work in?

She has gone for a job internally in a different department but still within the same company . Why did she moves so
Close and I wonder whether the child will go to the same school as my children in a few years . I don't think he would have sent her any videos of himself font think he would of wanted her to have any record of videos but she kept sending him videos . I just wish she would move . Men are such idiots sometimes aren't they they don't think with their brains. I obviously wasn't showing him
enough attention. I remember him saying in the past women should never neglect their husbands

OP, I think you are too focused on the OW. It's your H who betrayed you.