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Original poster

Birthday. Is it over?

170 replies

AtSea1979 · 15/11/2016 19:41

So been seeing a guy a couple of months, hardly relationship I know.
I told him not to get me anything and I'd be happy just spending time with him. I was lying obviously! But aside from no present (that's my own fault). He took overtime and didn't even get me a card. He did make time to go out for dinner but it's cost me £30 for babysitter and we went halves on the meal.
I asked him why the odd behaviour re my birthday and he says he's no idea what I'm talking about. It is me or should two months in be kind of tripping over each other to impress each other etc?
He's waiting for me to explain what MY problem is, I have no reply that doesn't sound grabby but I am genuinely disappointed that he didn't get me a card with nice words.

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 15/11/2016 20:54

I agree with PP

MarchEliza2 · 15/11/2016 20:55

I don't think the present is the issue here - you said not to bother with that so it's irrelevant.

However inviting you out to a dinner that effectively cost you more due to sitter costs and no card is feeble. A friend shouldn't do that and he is supposed to be more than that even if he's not quite a boyfriend yet.
I don't think he should get to be one either.

tiej · 15/11/2016 20:55

Well I was on your side OP, until you mentioned "Hotel Reservation".

That's above and beyond.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 15/11/2016 20:55

Hotel would have been less than what I paid for babysitter and half meal!

OP posts:
Original poster
AtSea1979 · 15/11/2016 20:57

Hotel was in response to I should have told him what I wanted, as in ott. What I actually wanted was a thoughtful card, some sort of clue as to what he thought about us.

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 15/11/2016 20:58

Are you acquainted in the biblical sense Op? Blush

DameChocolate · 15/11/2016 20:59

He could have got you a card even if you said no present!

Perhaps you are trying too hard to be no trouble??

I agree with the PP who said simply ''he's not a keeper''. You went dutch on your birthday.

nilbyname · 15/11/2016 21:00

Tricky....but I think he's given you a insight into how he is, and I think you should either say you thought that despite saying you didn't want anything a small surprising gesture would have been lovely on his part.

He will probably say he was just doing as you said, but a mature man would understand the tacit undertones.

Tell him and if he spits his dummy, move on.

nilbyname · 15/11/2016 21:01

Hote??? What like a travel lodge?! God a night at the premier inn for a birthday sounds very very depressing

BalloonSlayer · 15/11/2016 21:02

I think if he can't see that "not to get me anything and I'd be happy just spending time with him" means "no present as such but a card, a bunch of flowers, dinner and a teeny bit of fuss (eg no I won't contemplate us splitting the bill, it's your birthday!)" then there's no hope for him TBH.

leaveittothediva · 15/11/2016 21:02

He's sounds tight to me. Why bother.?

Offred · 15/11/2016 21:06

He didn't fail to acknowledge her birthday in any way shape or form though. He planned a lovely meal in an expensive restaurant to celebrate paying heed to the 'I want to spend some time together'...

ILoveAutumnLeaves · 15/11/2016 21:06

AtSea you didn't do anything wrong. His comment to you was off '...I'll have to get you a present then' pretty much forces you to say 'Oh no, don't worry' unless you're ok with sounding grabby. So that was on him. Then, buying a card & a bunch of flowers isn't 'getting a present' so there's no excuse for that either, then accepting you paying half is crass...then there's the overtime on your birthday when what you've saw d you'd like on your birthday is to spend time together.

His comment 'Oh I'll HAVE to get you a present then' would put me right off him. You're worth more that this shabby treatment!

Happy (belated) Birthday 💐🎉🍸🍾🍰🌸🌸

Offred · 15/11/2016 21:08

'I'll have to get you a present then' 'that'd be lovely of you!'

Problem solved Hmm

YetAnotherGuy · 15/11/2016 21:10

I think you should each study the Mars and Venus book. We men are just not that clued up about this kind of situation

I regret to say that I think you're pretty high maintenance, and if he reads this thread, I suspect you won't be hearing from him again

Please lighten up and let the relationship develop naturally

DameChocolate · 15/11/2016 21:13

No, don't talk yourself in to believing it's ok.

If he didn't feel motivated to treat you, or get a card for you on your birthdayy then he's not that bothered.

Suggestions that you are high maintenance to be wondering if he's a keeper or not are ridiculous.

Any fledgling relationship I've ever been in, the man has wanted to show he cared.

Chinlo · 15/11/2016 21:15

You sound needy and high-maintenance, and he sounds like a total idiot for not refusing your offer to pay half for your own birthday dinner.

So you're both unreasonable. Match made in heaven.

ITCouldBeWorse · 15/11/2016 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HuskyLover1 · 15/11/2016 21:16

He didn't fail to acknowledge her birthday in any way shape or form though. He planned a lovely meal in an expensive restaurant to celebrate paying heed to the 'I want to spend some time together

Jayzus. Low, low standards Offred. She went half on her birthday meal. He couldn't even treat her to dinner. No card. No present. Your bench mark is set so low it's worrying.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 15/11/2016 21:17

Sorry to say but this is why men get confused by women at times! OP I bet he had no idea what you wanted or what was expected. Not everyone wants a fuss for their birthday (genuinely, not just pretending and hoping someone guesses it was a bluff).

However it does it sound like he views the relationship that seriously anyway. 'I suppose this means I need to get you a present?' What a charmer!

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 15/11/2016 21:18

Yet wouldn't high maintenance have been more direct about expectations? Clearly I failed on that one Blush

He didn't plan a lovely meal in an expensive restaurant. He asked where was nice as I knew the place better than him, I suggested a place I knew but it had changed hands and was more expensive so I said oh it's a lot more than I realised I'm sorry let me pay half and I did.

Not meaning to drip feed just wanted a card that would hopefully give me a clue!
He told his friend I was his girlfriend but then nothing since.

OP posts:
RubbishMantra · 15/11/2016 21:18

I'd be thrown a bit off guard if I was seeing someone who said "I expect I'll have to get you a present then." Sounds begrudging.

And letting you pay for your birthday dinner?! Did you politely offer to pay half, or did you insist? If I take a close friend out for a celebratory meal, I treat them.

He could have at least given you a card, and a flower/s.

Chloeneedshelp · 15/11/2016 21:19

In my opinion, some guys need it spelling out to them. If I told my guy not to bother, he wouldn't. So instead I spell out exactly what I want and right up to my birthday id be saying... 'What have you got me?' 'Is it a surprise'! 'Where are you taking me?' I don't think they mean to look like they don't care, but unless it's clearly set out for them, they just don't think. This doesn't apply to all guys by the way!! This is just based on my past.

Kewcumber · 15/11/2016 21:20

So your "lovely meal in an expensive restaurant to celebrate" cost you more money than it cost him!

Happy birthday!

I agree that it's hard to answer "so I'll have to get you a present then" with anything other than "oh no you don't need to worry about that" but I would suck that up. Not paying for someone's birthday meal when you're actually dating them is crass unless you have already agreed it in advance for financial reasons. My ex (army) earned a lot less than me and when we were dating he would treat me for my birthday and I would treat him for his. We each spent according to our budgets so it worked fine.

Anyone who ends up costing you money for your birthday isn't very thoughtful and probably isn't that into you. But maybe he has other redeeming qualities.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 15/11/2016 21:23

Be honest tell him you wanted time and effort I.e he could have cooked you a meal taken you somewhere nice
Grab some courage and have the " where do you see this going chat " a few dates in he should know ... Communicate !!

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