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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Babys dad wants the stuff back hes bought

235 replies

lexi873 · 15/11/2016 12:52

Hi,
Well the subject line says it all really, I am 30weeks pregnant and have had a very on/off turbulent relationship with babys dad.
We split up for good yesterday after he went through my phone and found messages from another man (an old school friend who has his own partner and child) but this was basically the last straw in a very controlling relationship that has seen me stop going out with friends and called names consistently.
Anyway, after this very nasty row the babys dad has screamed that as I text other men, our baby isn't his and he doesn't want anything to do with us, and he wants everything back that hes bought so far.
I have to say that he has paid for almost everything all the clothes, blankets, bottles, steriliser, pram the lot. If he takes it all back I am left with just about nothing for our son.
Things have become even worse today and hes said he'll be at my door at 6pm for all the things, and will kick the door in if he has to, to which I said ill phone the police if I feel threatened and he said "they will give me it all back anyway its my property as I paid for it!"
Is this true? Do I really have to hand over hundreds of pounds worth of stuff he bought for our son that he said hes "going to burn" anyway ?? Surely this cant be allowed as its pure spite.
please help

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 16/11/2016 18:42

Yep chipped

It's a little patronising too isn't it

JodieB12 · 16/11/2016 18:45

Are you not talking about a man ? Who has not physically lied one finger on her. As far as we all know. Yet all these assumptions you are making is just unfair really and misinformed

Offred · 16/11/2016 18:46

A man. Not all men.

His gender is somewhat incidental to the fact he is displaying abusive behaviours.

Chippednailvarnishing · 16/11/2016 18:49

Listen up Ladies

If someone tells you they are going to kick your door in, unless you do what they want and you go to the police, you're being unfair!

Alfieisnoisy · 16/11/2016 18:54

Sorry about my post...I AM feeling a bit anti men today. And yes I know it's "some" men and that most are not controlling idiots. However I have had a bit of a day today supporting a friend in scarily similar circumstances to this so thethread just pushed my buttons,

FWIW my DH would never ever behave like this and is one of the nicest, kindest men ever. My brothers wouldn't behave like this either....they are decent men and decent human beings.

Offred · 16/11/2016 18:55

Alfie you only said some men are abusive anyway!!

Alfieisnoisy · 16/11/2016 18:57

So the current behaviour is acceptable is it Jodie?

If so I hope you won't be passing that in to any daughters you might have.

Someone threatening to kick their door in and your advise would be "oh well he hasn't done anything yet". No...you would be telling them to report it to the police one would hope.

MrsPnut · 16/11/2016 19:09

This link is to the DASH risk assessment used to assess whether a person needs to be supported by a multi agency risk assessment conference for the highest risk domestic abuse cases.

If 14 boxes are ticked yes then the case is presented. I think quite a few could be ticked going from the OP and I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't reach the threshold.

OP - I hope you are somewhere safe and he didn't turn up but if you feel at all threatened by him then please do call the police and on 999 if he is actually present.

JodieB12 · 16/11/2016 19:10

I can't, with women who can read. I'm sorry

unleashingtheflyingmonkeys · 16/11/2016 19:12

OP

I found with my first half the stuff I thought I needed I barely used. You need to start as you mean to go on, doing this by yourself. If you shop around, and are savvy, and make the most of nearly new sales, primark, amazon, asda, the coupons in the boots parenting club packs, the bounty packs, Mothercare even have a layaway scheme where you can pay weekly for stuff, facebook groups etc, you can replace this stuff cheaply. Moneysavingexpert is another great site for ideas. Let him have his stuff, because starting off like this with the mother of his child will not serve him well.

Ring the police, report the threats. It is only going to get worse. You need to document what has been said and threatened, because when he cant control you through material/financial means, he will through your child. You need advice and to take action now. See a solicitor or ring womens aid, and let your midwife know, she may well be able to offer support.

Few things to think about

-Is he coming to the birth? If you don't want him there let the hospital know to not let him on the ward, you don't want a scene.

  • How involved do you want him?
  • Is he, or has he ever been violent?

Can you go stay with a friend or family member for a few days to allow the situation to calm down?

Your health and the health of the baby is your priority at the minute. Report every nasty text or threat, if he turns up, don't answer the door, but phone the police. Don't communicate with him at all now, until after the baby has been born. If even then.

JodieB12 · 16/11/2016 19:14

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diamondofdoom · 16/11/2016 19:14

Jodie abuse doesn't just have to be physical, just because he hasn't hit her yet doesn't mean he couldn't potentially go on to do that.
I don't really get how you can think all PP's are man haters because we can see emotional abuse Hmm

Chippednailvarnishing · 16/11/2016 19:22

What are we thinking Ladies, F4J?

JodieB12 · 16/11/2016 19:24

This reply has been deleted

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Offred · 16/11/2016 19:27

Yeah, maybe or a stray from nethuns...

diamondofdoom · 16/11/2016 19:33

Oooooh touchy.

Anyway OP I hope you're okay Smile hopefully things have been sorted by now

Soubriquet · 16/11/2016 19:33

I second the Hun Hmm

JodieB12 · 16/11/2016 19:37

Is this mumsnet or the wi? Hard to tell

Alfieisnoisy · 16/11/2016 19:39

Hope the OP is okay and safe.

Jodie...DFOD.

NorksAreMessy · 16/11/2016 19:44

It has been a lovely day here today? Sunny and warm, very mild for the time of year

JodieB12 · 16/11/2016 19:51

Really don't know what dfod means? Wasted on me

OrianaBanana · 16/11/2016 19:52

Do fuck off dear

JodieB12 · 16/11/2016 19:54

Thanks oriana

JodieB12 · 16/11/2016 19:56

alfie I would consider that behaviour to be abusive and bullying. That really is not nice Sad

Soubriquet · 16/11/2016 20:04

Oh but it's just words Jodie

Like threatening to kick down the door is just words.

It's only actions that count. Remember

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