Babys dad wants the stuff back hes bought

[lexi873]

Hi,
Well the subject line says it all really, I am 30weeks pregnant and have had a very on/off turbulent relationship with babys dad.
We split up for good yesterday after he went through my phone and found messages from another man (an old school friend who has his own partner and child) but this was basically the last straw in a very controlling relationship that has seen me stop going out with friends and called names consistently.
Anyway, after this very nasty row the babys dad has screamed that as I text other men, our baby isn't his and he doesn't want anything to do with us, and he wants everything back that hes bought so far.
I have to say that he has paid for almost everything all the clothes, blankets, bottles, steriliser, pram the lot. If he takes it all back I am left with just about nothing for our son.
Things have become even worse today and hes said he'll be at my door at 6pm for all the things, and will kick the door in if he has to, to which I said ill phone the police if I feel threatened and he said "they will give me it all back anyway its my property as I paid for it!"
Is this true? Do I really have to hand over hundreds of pounds worth of stuff he bought for our son that he said hes "going to burn" anyway ?? Surely this cant be allowed as its pure spite.
please help

OP what happened last night?

Toptoe "Experience tells me people who are takers or like to control never change unless something catastrophic happens to them and their world fundmentally changes. Otherwise, they just stay selfish as it suits them, no matter what damage it does to them or others. It's how they get things; by controlling others. They don't see other people as equals to themselves"

*Yes yes yes yes !!!!!!!
*
OP, I had to double read your post as your DP sounds very much like my Ex. It will only get worse I'm afraid if you carry on this relationship. My EX was the exact SAME way. He turned out to be very abusive (physically, mentally, all sorts) and he only got worse. Recently, my ex was recently like to me "since I now give you money for our son, I want to know who you are dating". ()

Lexi please call Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247. It's a freephone number.

Threats to kick your door in are NOT ok. If it was on a text, definitely show the police and get it logged.

He bought that stuff for the baby. I would just block him, and move on. You will have a much nicer life without him in it x

Hope you are ok OP.

He has every right to get the stuff back, if they are not married ownership of items remains with the purchaser. It's not the baby's stuff until the baby is born.

And it'll wrong-foot him to give it back, and getting shot of him as cleanly as possible might be the right thing to do right now. Because he'll expect you to cling to it and use up energy/emotion/headspace in this issue. Don't engage. Stuff is only stuff, and ways will be found.

Child maintenance and contact arrangements can wait (but both will be necessary idc). And I think getting shot of all remnants of the relationship between you two (before the baby is born) will be helpful in the longer run.

Re the stuff that he has bought, I would think of it this way, if you hold onto the stuff you are constantly giving him a "reason" to contact you, it's something that he can use to exert some sort of control over you...i.e. Reason to contact you.

Pack up the stuff and leave it sitting outside, ask him to leave a receipt for all he has taken and photograph the stuff left for him to take. Give him a letter telling him if there is something missing he can provide you with the purchase receipt and you will ensure that it is returned to him. Advise him that any further contact should be made through a solicitor. Any deviation from this in contacting will result in you phoning police and/or applying to the court for a non molestation order. (Even think about an NMO now)

Doing this means you have cut ties with him and he has no control over you whatsoever.

Re milklollies suggestion of withholding contact, do not do this, to withhold contact is cruel, not just to him but your unborn son. If he refuses to see the child or there are concerns for your child's care while in contact with him then go NC, but to deny anyone a relationship with their son is cruel, will cause resentment and may even make things worse. Govt is also looking at making this a criminal offence.

Tenor having anything for son at the minute, apply to local council who should be able to provide the basics in the meantime until you are able to get fully established.

Auntie Stella - that doesn't apply to gifts

As PP said he would have a hard time proving that he had bought baby bottles and a pram for himself.

I'd like to bet that if you did box it all up and leave it outside, he wouldn't take it. He'd turn up wanting a fight and when you say "there is is, I'll get all new stuff" he'll just claim he was trying to make a point (to stress you out).

OP could waste a fuckload of time and effort trying to prove that they were gifts.

I think she would be better off marshalling her resources for the important battles ahead over maintenance and contact.

And not get sidetracked for the sake of a few hundred pounds worth of stuff. Especially as the XP might well hope to have the effect of using fights now over Stuff to establish battle lines. Sod playing it on his terms. Get shot of him, his stuff and items where it cannot be shown they are gifts (or are gifts to someone who is not even born yet on which no-one other than the donor owns until the time of the birth).

She doesn't have to engage with any fights. If he wants the stuff back he can file with small claims and prove they weren't gifts.

They are gifts to the OP for the upcoming birth of her baby. If the gifts were conditional on the baby being his it should have been stated at the time but also the baby is his anyway...

I hope you're alright OP?

Offred a gift? It's not a gift to her, it's for their child? He is showing her a slice of the future and encouraging her to engage in that is NOT helpful.

It's obvious that she will take the primary parental responsibility of this baby, so with the added stress of a childish little man really is not worth it. Yeh we can call police etc, but remember drama = police + child = social services = intervention. Things often spiral this way and all because you want to hold on to things that do not belong to you.

The minute you start entertaining that bs is when you've set yourself up for a lifetime of crap.

I can kinder see why she cannot see the light (assuming young & first child etc) but a window view, I cannot. Stop enabling silly choices

I'm encouraging her not to engage.

Just ignore him, call the police if he turns up...

Giving into his unreasonable demands is engaging with him. It is giving him a reward for his unreasonable behaviour that will only encourage him.

Ignoring and calling the police is obviously what this guy would like. We all can agree that he is looking for a fight, right? Leaving without the items or in the back of a cop car will be the 'excuse' reason for his return (the hold).

He is demanding what is his (maybe morally wrong). If a person like that is demanding such fluff, do you think he will just say sorry and never return? Nah. So by holding on is engagement that he wants.

She does not need to communicate with him just leave things out. I also I think OP is his GF not his mother. She is not in the position to reward his behaviour and punish him when he is naughty, that's his mothers job. She will soon have the stress of teaching her own child right from wrong, why would she add a grown man to that task.

Ladies concentrate on being good mothers to children and less about slamming your head against to wall trying to correct were others have failed.

Give the stuff back.

Once you have unwrapped it, binned the packaging and ensured he can't sell it on or return it as new.

I agree with the poster who said to tell him that he is welcome to a paternity test, and should he prove not to be the biological father, he will be handed back every last thing he has bought.

No it is legally wrong.

He doesn't want the OP to call the police. Or if he does because he is mistaken about the police's role then he will be surprised at being arrested.

He is hoping he can effectively bully the OP into doing what he demands and if she 'gives in' he will not leave her alone.

offred just wondering, do you have children? Have you experienced this type of relationship?

Err... yes and yes....

Do you mean to be both ignorant and rude?

No not at all

I just can't understand where you are coming from.

We all have different paths and points of views. Some live the Jeremy Kyle lifestyle some don't, people are different. but I just cannot fathom why a mother would tell a soontobe new mother to fight for something (not hers) that will cause drama and unnecessary stress. Seems quite desperate really. Did you read my tx? Did it answer anything for you, because you seem to just overlook the main points.

What he is doing is childish but seriously, bullying it is not. The word bullying does not necessarily fit into every situation.

So you are saying he will leave her alone if she ignores him (well yeh eventually people get tired) ? 😂 Empty handed? 😂😭😂👍

Please answer this question offred: Why would you want to keep something the "buyer" does not want you to have?

jodie classic example here, you would keep it as you believe you need it for your unborn child to give them the best start...but believe you will be unable to provide it yourself.

It was bought for the baby.

I think OP should keep the baby's things, for the baby's use.