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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Babys dad wants the stuff back hes bought

235 replies

lexi873 · 15/11/2016 12:52

Hi,
Well the subject line says it all really, I am 30weeks pregnant and have had a very on/off turbulent relationship with babys dad.
We split up for good yesterday after he went through my phone and found messages from another man (an old school friend who has his own partner and child) but this was basically the last straw in a very controlling relationship that has seen me stop going out with friends and called names consistently.
Anyway, after this very nasty row the babys dad has screamed that as I text other men, our baby isn't his and he doesn't want anything to do with us, and he wants everything back that hes bought so far.
I have to say that he has paid for almost everything all the clothes, blankets, bottles, steriliser, pram the lot. If he takes it all back I am left with just about nothing for our son.
Things have become even worse today and hes said he'll be at my door at 6pm for all the things, and will kick the door in if he has to, to which I said ill phone the police if I feel threatened and he said "they will give me it all back anyway its my property as I paid for it!"
Is this true? Do I really have to hand over hundreds of pounds worth of stuff he bought for our son that he said hes "going to burn" anyway ?? Surely this cant be allowed as its pure spite.
please help

OP posts:
CocoaX · 15/11/2016 13:40

I think call 101 and ask for advice. Keep safe.

diddl · 15/11/2016 13:41

"Give it back and never let him have to any contact with your dc/db. Men like that do nothing for their children."

I tend to agree.

Why would you even want the stuff or to ever have to have anything to do with him?

FetchezLaVache · 15/11/2016 13:43

The crowd seems pretty split between handing the stuff over and hanging on to it. I think it depends on which course of action will ultimately upset you more, and I get the impression you'd be more upset if you gave him the stuff back and therefore had it all to replace. So I think you should:

Tell him he can't have the stuff back (he gave it to you as gifts) but he can have a paternity test. If the baby turns out to not be his, you'll reimburse him. If he turns up at your door and threatens violence, you'll call police so you would advise him not to.

I would also ring police now and ask for advice on how to handle it.

Serialweightwatcher · 15/11/2016 13:44

Let him have the lot back and keep away from him ... have you applied (if you are eligible) for the grant which is around £500 I think - not sure how it works now but used to be that you applied for it about 11 weeks at least beforehand and that could help you with getting stuff ready again

Happyhippy45 · 15/11/2016 13:46

Box it up, leave it at your door.
Buy 2nd hand stuff. It'll be in good condition because the are not babies for long!

Maudlinmaud · 15/11/2016 13:46

Phone the police if or when he turns up. Did he send a text with the threat? Personally I would not hand over anything .

icanteven · 15/11/2016 13:46

I know this is a few weeks off yet, but for the love of God, DON'T PUT THIS MAN ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE. You don't have to, and if you DO, you are letting yourself in for 18 years of this shit.

If he carries on like this (as he obv. will) you are under absolutely ZERO obligation to every see or speak to him again. He thinks the baby is somebody else's (you know he doesn't actually think that, right? He's just saying it to distress you) - then call his bluff. Give back all the stuff (you can replace it very cheaply - lots of great tips here on Mumsnet for this sort of thing) and block his number, or this behaviour is going to escalate.

Don't engage. This is clearly not a person you want around your child, right? You have a clear "out" here, so take it.

toptoe · 15/11/2016 13:46

Also, there are charities that help mums out like this one Bristol with a bundle of necessary items

www.babybanknetwork.com/tag/baby-bank-network-bristol/

you might find one in your aread

liquidrevolution · 15/11/2016 13:46

TBH its not worth the hassle from him. Give him the stuff back and start filling out the CMS forms. Young babies need very little and your local facebook free stuff page will help.

toptoe · 15/11/2016 13:47

ditto not putting him on the birth certificate

Blobby10 · 15/11/2016 13:47

If you dont give the stuff back, he will always have a hold on you. Start afresh - just you and your baby without this horrible man in your life.

icanteven · 15/11/2016 13:47

I would definitely give the stuff back - you don't need this stress for the sake of a pram and some onesies, honestly. Your mental and physical wellness is paramount here, not material goods that tie him to you (in his head).

BaggyCheeks · 15/11/2016 13:48

"Give it back and never let him have to any contact with your dc/db. Men like that do nothing for their children."

Another one agreeing with this. He sounds a nasty piece of work, and my concern would be he would be demanding overnight contact out of spite.

CoolCarrie · 15/11/2016 13:52

The NCT ( National Childbirth Trust) have brilliant sales. We got loads of great quality items from their sales over the early years. See if you have a group in your area if you end up letting the bastard have the stuff, which I frankly won't do. He has no right to it, what a shit he is.

Lamby04 · 15/11/2016 13:52

I would give the stuff back and keep your pride. You only need a few things for a new born despite what shops lead you to believe. The most important thing for your baby at the moment is a happy healthy mum, as long as you're eating, drinking & sleeping properly that's all you need. Hopefully you hav support from family & friends & You can get a lot of good quality second hand things and apart from a few staples just buy as & when needed once ur baby is born.
I would save any negotiating with your now ex to when your baby is actually born. He should have cooled down by then & u might be able to see how he'll really be as a dad. My ex split up with me when I was 6 months pregnant, said i could have no money & he wanted no contact. Had my baby early due to health reasons (&probably the stress) i still invited him to the hosp when DD was born, i felt safe with all the nurses around. he's a very doting Dad now & is happy to spend money on his daughter, take her out etc which is still a surprise to me after he was so mean while I was pregnant.
Good luck & keep your self safe.

timelytess · 15/11/2016 13:53

My ex did and said exactly the same thing over my engagement ring when we split, pathetic.
So did mine. But I remembered he'd given it to me as a birthday present and told him he could take me to court for it.
When our daughter was 21 I gave her a pendant and ear-rings made from the diamonds in the ring.

AyeAmarok · 15/11/2016 13:54

You are giving the baby your surname, aren't you?

Lifewithasixyearold · 15/11/2016 13:54

I agree with all who are saying give it all back, it will remain a means to control you and your child
he has intended to distress and control you with threats, definitely not the kind of man you want attached to you babies life for the duration, you can leave the father's line on the certificate blank, do not add him

is your housing situation dependent on him? do you have an option to move easily? just thinking (from previous exp) that a change of home will help you move on and get rid of the reminders of him & also give you respite from his visits if you weren't so local?

Soubriquet · 15/11/2016 13:54

link for maternity grant

Have a look and see if you're eligible

Jessbow · 15/11/2016 13:56

Give it t him, stick it outside and let him have it all, you'll survive.

Don't let him think or one moment that you need him or the goods he's bought.
Be strong from here on in. Freecycle has baby stuff most days , free. Join your local group an appeal- you'll get loads

be strong and be proud that you CAN do this without him

Kel1234 · 15/11/2016 14:00

How unreasonable of him. The things are for his baby, he must know the baby needs all these things. That said I'd want the baby to have nothing to do with him after that anyway. A man who is depriving his child doesn't deserve to be part of his or her life at all.

AndNowItsSeven · 15/11/2016 14:01

Do not give them back, they are gifts for his baby. The police will only be interested in his harassment.

Crystal15 · 15/11/2016 14:04

I'd refuse to give him any of it. He's bought it for his child so tell him to bog off. Stand up to him. Tell him if he threatens to break in agaib you will report him. Vile bully

bonbonours · 15/11/2016 14:05

I think giving the stuff back is engaging with him, and I agree with those who say you should not. Contact the police and keep records of any further attempts to threaten you. If he has any sense he will back off once he knows the police are involved. If he continues to be threatening then push for a court order keeping him away from you and your baby. And definitely do not put him on the birth certificate. I would try to have nothing more to do with him ever if at all possible.

Jackiebrambles · 15/11/2016 14:05

Oh I would give the stuff back, leave it outside for him if you can manage to do the lifting.

Then ignore anything further. Don't put him on the birth certificate!