Babys dad wants the stuff back hes bought

[lexi873]

Hi,
Well the subject line says it all really, I am 30weeks pregnant and have had a very on/off turbulent relationship with babys dad.
We split up for good yesterday after he went through my phone and found messages from another man (an old school friend who has his own partner and child) but this was basically the last straw in a very controlling relationship that has seen me stop going out with friends and called names consistently.
Anyway, after this very nasty row the babys dad has screamed that as I text other men, our baby isn't his and he doesn't want anything to do with us, and he wants everything back that hes bought so far.
I have to say that he has paid for almost everything all the clothes, blankets, bottles, steriliser, pram the lot. If he takes it all back I am left with just about nothing for our son.
Things have become even worse today and hes said he'll be at my door at 6pm for all the things, and will kick the door in if he has to, to which I said ill phone the police if I feel threatened and he said "they will give me it all back anyway its my property as I paid for it!"
Is this true? Do I really have to hand over hundreds of pounds worth of stuff he bought for our son that he said hes "going to burn" anyway ?? Surely this cant be allowed as its pure spite.
please help

He cannot take the things back as they were gifts to you and a court will not order him to do so.
If he turns up ring the police tell them you are afraid of him and that you want him to leave. There is nothing he can do.
Also get in touch with the violence against women's project and get support from them.
It sounds like he will be making trouble in your life for a long time to come so start getting the support you will need in place now. Also start keeping a diary of his abusive behaviour now.

Jodie - it is not about the stuff.

It is about him trying to control the OP using threats and insults.

There is no need for the OP to engage with him any further.

If every time he tries to bully her or get her to interact with him he is met, not by her but by the police/courts, this is the best and safest way to get rid of him.

He has no right to the stuff, legally. Even if the OP doesn't want it, in order to keep herself and the baby safe from a man who has threatened violence if she doesn't comply, she is best advised to not deal with him herself but to call the police if he turns up/starts harassing her and let him take her to court if he actually wants the stuff.

I don't think he really does, he just wants to make her give it to him.

To be honest, continuing the argument isn't really helpful to the OP, is it?

I hope you're ok Lexi.

put it in bin bag, on the doorstep. Get rid of this cretin

UFKAU Yes I understand that, hence why I said I get her stance. But a experienced mother no I don't understand. Plus fathers that do those things don't do it because of the things etc. It's a power struggle, therefore an experienced mother should be able to recognise that and advice better.

She need not fear losing things for the baby, because as soon as his bluff is called the likelihood of him not leaving with them is very high. He's gonna feel a bit silly, people will find out, he conscience will kick it. I mean, what's he going to do with a load of baby stuff 😂 I don't think he will go out in public where people are see what he is doing with a load of baby stuff?

To say to a "soon to be" new mother to fight, call this person, police, keep a log, get support etc is all unnecessary drama given by "mothers". Some people do live a lifelong life of drama and now I understand why.

No, he likely won't take the things because what he wants is to know that he can still use threats and insults to control the OP.

You are suggesting the op and others like her not only continue to engage in that power struggle but continue to show their abusers that abusive behaviour gets results.

And his comment about the police was not about him wanting the police involved it was designed to encourage her to think that no-one would be interested in helping her so that she doesn't call them for help.

To say to a "soon to be" new mother to fight, call this person, police, keep a log, get support etc is all unnecessary drama given by "mothers"

In your opinion.

If he's threatening to come over and kick the OP's door in if she doesn't do what she's told, then the police should be involved.

It is absolutely classic behaviour from an abusive man and I can guarantee women's aid would advise her to simply report his threats to the police for her own protection and not engage with him in any way.

Equally the police would advise her to block him and call them if he comes round, they will look at whether he can be done for harassment and maybe go and warn him to desist.

They would advise him re the stuff to apply to small claims court as there is a dispute about ownership and it is a civil matter.

And the police having a record of his behaviour before the baby is born offers the OP and the baby some greater protection during those first few months post birth when she will be vulnerable.

offred you are still overlooking the point. It is not about legal illegal, some of us can work out our differences without getting out textbook. I have asked one simply question and you still have not answered it.

Why would you want it?

Why would you chose to go through all that, for the sake of peanuts?

Plus the last time I checked your way would be an abuse of police services.

And you say things like threatening, violence etc. So why would you want something from such a person. Plus anticipating the outcome, then seeking services ??? Hmmmmm

I really don't mean things in any negative way, it's just interesting to me. The lengths some woman will go to for the sake of something someone doesn't want me to have. Wow

In order for me to accept anything off anyone, they must want to give it to me (or baby). The minute they ask for it back, it's shit to me (and definitely would not be good enough for my child).

Problem is Jodie this man is all about power

Give him back the baby items and he will simply find something else to threat and abuse.

It's not wanting the baby items back. It's showing he holds all the cards and he can just click his fingers and woosh, it happens

Actually Jodie I think you are missing the point, he's threatening her.

It isn't about the stuff.

It is about keeping a victim of abuse safe.

And you think calling the police when the father of your baby threatens to kick your door in when you are 30 weeks pregnant an abuse of police services?!

Who exactly did you 'check' that with?

If the OP really doesn't want the stuff she could always leave it at the police station with his contact details and explain the situation and they will give him a call to come and pick it up.

Yes I understand all that, but why would you bother? Clean house, completely!

Ooh the police and woman's aid cannot enforce anything but they will advice her to give him his stuff back.

Nails what I am saying is, it is all unnecessary. If you are that desperate and want to keep tainted items, call his bluff and the power will shift.

offred I say this will respect, but there are many types engagement. I totally agree with you not to engage (verbally), but the only way this happen is by "offering", "giving", "pretending to give back" or "actually giving" his things? Otherwise it's all engaging with him, the police, in court, woman aid and the list goes on.

Police and courts as look at reasons for behaviour. If someone feels sooooo threaten why hold on to something from them?

The power won't shift at all by giving in to his attempt to control.

The OP will have to, at some time, remove his ability to control. I wouldn't wait until the baby is born and he brings them into his control attempts.

What offred said.

And maybe hundreds of pounds worth of stuff isn't 'peanuts' to the op.
She needs the stuff for her baby.
Totally what ofred said.

Jodie I think offred? Is right. My DS dad was exactly the same way as the OP's-- I did what you suggested, I didn't call the police because I didn't want to deal with all that drama... You know what happened ? After a while, my ex was waiting for me to come out of my house (I didn't see him) and assaulted me in broad daylight (the man had no shame)...police was called, social services got involved and the fact that I didn't notify the police about my ex's threats etc, was used against me.

It will only get worse. I'm taking from experience. I don't think the dad cares about the stuff for the baby, his doing all of this because he wants control. Unfortunately when your dealing with guys like this, they will be drama, so it's best OP calls the police, gets it logged and deals with the "drama" now before it escalates.

How far do you go to clean house jodie?

You give him the baby stuff. Fab. But he doesn't go away. Oh no

Now he wants the money back from the phone bill he paid that time. Now he wants the money back from the restaurant he treated to.

Now he wants that plate he bought

Can you not see the pattern? He will always want something from her and his threatening behaviour keep up and escalate if he doesn't get what he wants

The police is the only road she can and should take

But it's not HIS stuff, Jodie, it's the baby's.

And it sounds like OP can't afford to replace it herself. It's all very well saying you wouldn't want "tainted" items for the sake of "peanuts", but if it meant your baby having no items you might change your mind. Hundreds of pounds isn't peanuts to everyone.

Plus, this is about him thinking he can make demands.

OMG you woman are something else all together. If felt threaten by someone, I would NEVER want to give them a reason to get back in contact with me.

But you are all saying that if a vulnerable victim stands up to their abuser, they won't abuse anymore. ridiculous really