Babys dad wants the stuff back hes bought

[lexi873]

Hi,
Well the subject line says it all really, I am 30weeks pregnant and have had a very on/off turbulent relationship with babys dad.
We split up for good yesterday after he went through my phone and found messages from another man (an old school friend who has his own partner and child) but this was basically the last straw in a very controlling relationship that has seen me stop going out with friends and called names consistently.
Anyway, after this very nasty row the babys dad has screamed that as I text other men, our baby isn't his and he doesn't want anything to do with us, and he wants everything back that hes bought so far.
I have to say that he has paid for almost everything all the clothes, blankets, bottles, steriliser, pram the lot. If he takes it all back I am left with just about nothing for our son.
Things have become even worse today and hes said he'll be at my door at 6pm for all the things, and will kick the door in if he has to, to which I said ill phone the police if I feel threatened and he said "they will give me it all back anyway its my property as I paid for it!"
Is this true? Do I really have to hand over hundreds of pounds worth of stuff he bought for our son that he said hes "going to burn" anyway ?? Surely this cant be allowed as its pure spite.
please help

I'd give it back.

If he's got proof of ownership, the police will accompany him to collect things that are his (unfortunately I've had to do this...). The person I was living with said the things were theirs, not mine, but the officers said that as I had proof of purchase, they'd allow me to take them and the other person would have to pursue me through small claims to get them back if they weren't mine. They didn't, because it was all mine really.

I'd give them back anyway, though, because you don't want the things that you use for your baby to remind you of this twat. It'll drag you down. There are charities that will help with things you'll need, and I bet friends and family will too. You'll be okay. Miles better without him, and his selfish ways.

Oh, and give it back. Every single item he's bought. What the heck is he going to do with them? He's an idiot.

Babies don't need lots of things. They need a mother with peace of mind. His absence will be the greatest gift he can give you both.

Yes I agree with the do not put his name on the BC, give your child YOUR last name and do not allow contact between father and son.

He is obviously not a good influence

If he wants the stuff back give bit back. If he can take away from a baby like that. Then it shows the sort of person he is. You also said he's controlling this is just another form of controlling your better well away from him. You don't need him. You can still get the stuff you need for the baby as others have suggested.

Give it back. There are loads of cheap baby stuff at nct sales, fb selling sites and charity shops. Babies don't care and they don't use stuff for long. If you have friends and family who've had a baby recently, ask if you can buy some stuff off them. They may even lend or give it to you.

Don't put his name on the birth certificate and don't contact him again. The last thing you want is that type of man around you or your child.

I would give it back and consider it a price well worth paying to get a piece of shit like this out of my child's life.

I'd box it up and leave it outside too. With a note, saying I do not have to give this stuff to you but I choose to as you're a twat as I will manage without.

I would also let the police know you're been threatened. Can you ask anyone to be in the house with you? Not to get involved, necessarily, but just for you to know someone is inside if you need them.

Do you want him in your life in the future OP? IF he calms down then get maintenance from him later. If he doesn't then get away. You will get more stuff, it doesn't sound like staying with him will be worth it for the price of a pram and clothes etc.

I would definitely give back the stuff and have nothing more to do with this man. He sounds awful.

Like pps have said, you really don't need very much for a new baby. Ask around and borrow stuff. If you keep the gifts from the baby's father, he still has some control over you. Giving them back to him gives him the message that you don't want anything more to do with him.

If you are worried about him hurting you, I would ring a the police now to report the threat so that they have a record of it.

When something like this happened to me (totally different situation, but involved someone banging on my front door and threatening me) I rang the police while the man was threatening me outside the door. They came round within 10 minutes. Although the just missed the man who was threatening me, they asked for his mobile number. They called the man and asked him to stay away from me. That was enough to scare the man and I never heard from him again.

OP:
the legal situation:

1. they were gifts, you don't have to give them back. It's not theft. The police won't/can't do anything. He could sue you for their return in a civil court: your defence would be they were gifts.
2. more than 2 instances of harassing behaviour is all it takes for there to be an offence under the Protection from Harassment Act. You have one for sure, and if there's been more than one call/text then you have your 2. Tell the police (they like to have 3 instances, but the Act says 2). They will issue a PIN (a Police Information Notice) which they will serve on him as an official warning. The PIN is then on the police database for at least a year so - if there are any further instances and you need to take anything further, everything is there on paper/computer.

Setting aside the legalities, the RL situation in relation to each is a bit different:

1. consider whether you really want to keep the stuff, because it might just perpetuate the unpleasantness and stress. It may be better just to calmly give it all back so he's got nothing left to demand back (leave it on your doorstep or better still with a mutual friend for him to collect so you don't have to have any face to face contact). And then get your own stuff using the grant and second hand sites, and everyone will give you gifts anyway. PPs have come up with good solutions to how/where you can get stuff. In RL babies don't need oodles of stuff, it's just tempting to get it all.
2. Take a deep breath and sleep on this before you make a decision about whether to go to the police. You know him, not us - is he likely to calm down? Will this just make it worse? Will this make it impossible for you to repair the relationship with him (I don't mean getting back together but a future relationship as parents)? If he isn't likely to calm down and this will make it no better or no worse, I'd report to police and get a PIN served on him (this is standard and the police will probably want to do it anyway).

I'm not sure about PPs saying never let the baby see him because he's obviously a right bastard/loser and that this behaviour demonstrates that he can never be a proper dad or will always be abusive/problematic and your DS is better without him..... IME things are never black and white, there is lots and lots of grey. You've had a row and he's angry and upset and he's overreacted and is being horrid and he has frightened and upset you. But he may calm down and be very sorry, he may well be saying things he does not mean. He may well be a great dad to your DS. It might not be the right thing to make a drastic decision NOW that you are never going to let him be DS's father. This is your RL, not a hypothetical situation. I'm not saying people are wrong, they may be right, but you don't have to make a drastic decision like that now - you have 10 or so weeks to think about what you are going to do and he has 10 weeks to calm down and to be sorry for his behaviour. You will know in your heart whether he is capable of being a good father or whether he isn't. If he isn't, then I agree that this gives you the opportunity to cut him out now.

Please phone the police non-emergency number to log the incident. What you are describing is domestic abuse. You need legal documentation of his threats in case his behaviour escalates after the baby is born.

He has no legal right to the baby's belongings, but no one here can tell you if giving them back is a better option to prevent him using it to try to control you. I would lean to informing the police what is happening and putting the stuff outside for him to collect and getting a friend to sit in with you. Not because he's entitled to them but to reduce the stress of his behaviour for you.

Do NOT put his name on the birth certificate or give the baby his last name. Please apply for child maintenance and look at Women's Aid/ Refuge websites about child contact. Children's outcomes are better without violent and controlling men in their lives.

He has no legal right to the baby's belongings, but no one here can tell you if giving them back is a better option to prevent him using it to try to control you. I would lean to informing the police what is happening and putting the stuff outside for him to collect and getting a friend to sit in with you. Not because he's entitled to them but to reduce the stress of his behaviour for you.

This is what I would do. Then once the baby's born, I would give them my surname (would do this anyway tbh) and not put him on the birth certificate. His spiteful, violent reaction, no matter what the reason, is not that of someone you want in your baby's life

He isn't entitled to the things back and you need them anyway. He is just trying to exert more control over you. My ex is the same and even left me without a settee and chairs once by promising that when he got the money back from scs he would give me 500 off it for another. He didn't and showed off drinking the money away and laughing at his own two kids and I having to struggle and borrow money to buy another three seater. Please don't give him the stuff as he will come back for more or gloat at you struggling to buy more things and probably wait till baby is here and try making you have baby things in lieu of maintenance until you have 'paid' for every last bit and even then will go on at how he paid for everything and is such a great father blah, blah. Ring police if you feel at all threatened xxx

I think you should keep the stuff, it was given to you and your future baby. By law it's yours'.

Call the police (101 number) and explain that he's given you this stuff, and will be round at 6pm to kick your door in if you don't give it back. He doesn't want the baby's belongings, he just wants another row. And you can bet he won't burn them, but use them as an excuse to keep contacting you, saying he wants to give them back.

See if a non-harassment order can be put in place, then block him from mobile, landline, social media etc.

Experience tells me people who are takers or like to control never change unless something catastrophic happens to them and their world fundmentally changes. Otherwise, they just stay selfish as it suits them, no matter what damage it does to them or others. It's how they get things; by controlling others. They don't see other people as equals to themselves.

By which I mean you can't fight controllers or hope they will change. You just have to keep them out of your life.

If you gave the stuff back, do you think that would be the end of it- would he fuck off and leave you alone? If you think he would and you could manage without the stuff he paid for, then give it back . If you think it would be the start of a whole load of more demands, threats and insults then you have no choice but to call the police and stand your ground. Either way, don't face him alone. Even if you do give the stuff back this needs to be reported.

I hope it works out for you, it's a terrible situation to be in.

I would love to see him in front of Judge Judy, trying to explain his reasoning.

Only read the first few posts but I just wanted to say do not give in to his demands, he has no claim on the things he bought you, they are gifts and legally yours. Do you have any messages on your phone that show him being controlling/abusive? You need to contact the police and get support from them, his behaviour is illegal and disgusting.

As horrible as it is at least if he says the baby isn't his he may lose interest and leave you alone. He sounds as if he would be a very harmful influence on both of you. What a horrible thing to to go through when you're pregnant, hope things go ok for you OP.

Please listen to some of the other posters and really...don't put this man on the birth certificate. I am 13 years into an EA relationship which started becoming really unbearable when I was pregnant with my first child with him. If I had not put named him on the birth certificate, I could have cut my losses and run...now I am in a bit of a pickle. How a man could do this to you when you are so vulnerable and about to become a mother is beyond me

Pile the stuff up outside for 6pm and let him take it.
Don't answer the door (either be out or have a big relative with you inside)
Report the threat to the police so it is on record.

Of course he doesn't really want the stuff, its just another way to control you, as he knows you need it. You have to diffuse that situation by showing you don't need it or him. Unfortunately it will probably get worse before it gets better as that really irritates controlling men like that. He probably won't even show at 6.

Tell the police about his threat re tonight and have someone there with you. This nasty excuse for a man ...that'll give him a shock and show him he can't victimise you.

Call the Police and tell them what he's told you (that he will be kicking the door in at 6pm). If they catch him trying to break in, he will be arrested. When released on bail there will be conditions that he can't contact you. I wouldn't give any of the stuff back. It's his child, he needs to contribute. The Police would never allow him to take any items. It's a civil matter, they can't get involved, so you have no worries on that score.

Lexi - for me, th stuff would be 'taint d' by the nastiness of this man - and I agree with the people who say get it out of your life - he's using it to control you, and by giving it back you deprive him of that control.

I would rather have second hand stuff than stuff that reminded me of him and his nastiness every time I saw it.

"I would rather have second hand stuff than stuff that reminded me of him and his nastiness every time I saw it."

Exactly!

I don't know what other posters are talking about but the police will not come into uour home and help him take your babies stuff, that's crazy.

You can request he does a paternity test, and if proven the kid is not his then uou will give him the stuff in a responsible time period to allow you to replace. When confirmed it's his tell him the stuff stays and you want child support.