Going on a Bear Hunt - we're going to get through it!

[madamehooch]

As a previous poster on a wonderful thread which has been a real lifeline but which has now ended, this is a new thread for anyone who has been subject to the misery of having an extremely long term relationship (20 plus years ) end. It's a place to find support and congratulations for whatever tiny steps are made and a big non-judgmental hand hold to help us over the inevitable bumps. There will be little LTB on this thread as usually he's already left us (smiling through the pain is always encouraged )😀

Hi Magpie, I understand your pain. I was with my STBXH from the age of 19, for 20 years and discovered he'd been having an affair for 8 years. Like you, I felt like my whole life had been a lie. I thought we were happy, and I was happy. Sometimes I stop and think, what happened to my lovely life? And it physically hurts so much that I struggle to breath. How could I have been with him for all those years, thought he was my best friend and had no idea what he was really like?
I think that you are a very strong woman for trying to make your relationship work and I hope that the future is better for you.

Hello everyone, it is hard to deal with realising how the person who you trusted with all your heart could look you in the eye and lie so easily after such a long time together. I just couldn't understand how he could do that to me and my sons. That's the one thing that hurt the most in my case, I had quite a few counselling sessions trying to get over that betrayal.

In the end there is no excuse that could suffice tbh, he was just selfish and wanted to put himself first, this woman turned his head and he was prepared to split our family up to have her. Whether it will last is another thing of course, but I could never have borne living with the suspicion and doubt that he would be still contacting or seeing her, that's no life to endure. He didn't want to come back anyway so good riddance.
The pain does ease I promise you, no contact if at all possible, and only email at that, block and delete on your phone and social media. No good comes from stalking on the Internet, the only person to be hurt is you. I told my friends not to tell me anything about them either, it messes with your head, and nothing is gained except more worry and stress.

Hi Magpie, glad you've found this thread and hope that you gain some comfort from it. Sorry to hear you've had such an awful time. Be true to, and look after, yourself.

Trying to understand their appalling selfish behaviour could drive us half mad and is such a waste of our energy. I prefer to just think that he is an utterly selfish bastard who put his own feelings ahead of his family. Simple as that. He chose to, he could have chosen not to but he didn't,

It doesn't come naturally but try and put yourself first for a change. Not easy I know.

Hi everyone, many thanks for the kind words & consoling thoughts - it does help to know others understand the pain although I'm truly sorry so many have to suffer because of cheats.

I feel a bit better today, probably helped getting it off my chest to you yesterday. My daughter is the only other person who knows what happened and I regret that at times. She called in to see us a couple of hours after I found his "extra" phone (I wasn't looking, he'd gone out early on an errand & rang to say he'd been delayed so I got up to make a pot of coffee for his return - he'd left it on the kitchen bench - wasn't expecting me to get up as I wasn't well). I think I was in deep shock, my initial reaction was it belonged to a friend of his who had called the day before and I started to read some of the texts to check - naughty, I know but glad I did.

Immediately he came home I asked who the phone belonged to. His face told me the answer & our life as I knew it stopped. I didn't rant & rage (not then anyway) just asked who, how long, where & when - he answered all without hesitation. His answers really blew me away - I felt like I was watching him talking about someone else. Anyway, this was when my poor girl walked in on us - I think that seeing the realisation dawn on her hurt as much again. That's when I cried & he cried too - when his "daddy's girl" looked at him & said "you disgust me". She was going through a bad time too - her husband had left her some months previously but that's another story.

Ive rambled on sorry, I rarely post to MN, don't know all the protocol etc so if I've shut the thread down my sincere apologies.

Once again, thank you so much for your support.

Oh magpie , thankyou for coming onto this thread , we all share on here and it's a safe place to be , I am really sad today found a wooden horse of my daughters yesterday in the loft for my grandchild when it's born , these should of been memories we could of shared together , he text me yesterday let me come home , even though I am no contact I couldn't resist I text back dream on ! He said he wishes he could go back to how we were and he is so unhappy , this is 19 months on , I am so lonely and hate living alone , I think i need a companion or a nice kind man , to feel loved again???? However he will not be coming home ever to live with me , I can't trust a thing he says ever again .

So sorry Kirk, I know exactly what you mean about sharing things with him. My son and his family live abroad now and will be home for Christmas & NY so we will be having lots of family & friends visiting. I feel so hypocritical at times but I don't see the point in spoiling things for everyone else so I'll suck it up & try to be like I used to be. I also wish things could go back to the way they were (I loved my life - he said he did too but...) but I know it will never happen. I don't even think that it's because I don't trust him now - it's more I don't care - he killed something in me that I won't get back. That is actually worse, isn't it?
I'm too old to start again but you're not. I'm sorry you're lonely, I often feel that way too although I'm rarely by myself these days. I truly hope you meet the man you deserve, who will treat you with genuine kindness, love & honesty - they can't all be lying, cheating bastards! Keep in touch if you want to chat

Thanks magpie for your prompt response , yes I agree he has killed something deep in my heart and I am so frightened to move forward and date and then I may be let down and I can't stand more rejection , even at 50 I have only been with one man since 18 , I thank god my our kids haven't settled with their first loves as I was so naive and worked so hard to make our marriage work , I am exhausted , worn out with thinking I just need to rest a while now xxxx

I've just taken him back because I know that I will never trust or be truly happy with anyone ever again so may as well keep the family together.

I think he's truly sorry and terribly ashamed, but I think about it all the time and feel so anxious. But leaving would be no answer: this won't leave me.

❤️To all dealing with this shite

I just feel so sad and wish this had never happened.

Oh kirk that's just so unfair of him texting you like that. Sorry to hear you're feeling exhausted, it's a tiring time of year without all the added crap! Take it easy, look after yourself and stay in the hunt

I was congratulating myself on not having cried for a couple of weeks. Then I went in a shop today and they were playing a song that used to mean something to us (wasn't actually 'our song' but as near as). I started welling up and it took a lot of effort not to sob there and then.
(The song was Say a little prayer)

These triggers leap out and bite us when we least expect them. Bite em back

Well said Faff, it's those unexpected triggers that are the hardest I think. You can steel yourself for the bigger shit but it's the subconscious memories (like songs as you said) that really knock you for six.

Misswilla - what a brave decision, wishing you the best of luck. Try not to sacrifice yourself in the dealing with everything

Miss I wish you all in the luck in the world , faff , my song throughout this has been Sam smith next to you and I cry a river when I hear it as at the beginning I wanted him back so much , now I play it and think how far I have come ❤️ Forme so true you subconscious is a nightmare especially the dreams xxxx

Good morning to all the members of the club no one wanted to join, just wanted to wish you all a better day than yesterday. Sending strength and positive thoughts - onwards & upwards!

Hi all Apologies for having abandoned my own thread but I'm very pleased to see that it is offering support to so many others in this awful position made so much worse at this time of year. I've been finding it very tough going at the moment. I've yet to have my first counselling session and was told yesterday that I could have to wait up to 2 months! DH has not seen his 'sort of a date ' again but I have no doubt that he has been in contact with her and apparently has a standing invitation to spend New Year's Eve with her (a party apparently ). Talk about out with the old and in with the new - how cold is that? My DD currently has noro-virus and even though she's 17, was crying for her dad in the night. I did text him this morning and asked him when he was going to wake up and realise that he had a family who loved him? I've had no response.

Hi all, I agree this time of year is so hard. I had a work event last night and everyone was talking about their family Christmas plans. It just made me feel hollow. Madame, that's what I don't understand either, how can they just walk out on their families with such ease? I would have (actually did now I think about it) put up with almost anything to keep our secure unit for our children but he just plays it down all the time, like it's no big deal and I'm being over emotional! Grrr. Still not having much success with no contact but working on it

Madame and hooch , I used to love Christmas , it's year 2 for me in this big house , son back tonight from uni , forget they resting , what's for tea mum , oh I wish I could go back 10 years to my 15 and 11 yr kids at least I wouldn't be alone 😢

It's heartbreaking to know others are going through the same thing. But at at the same time reassuring. Personally, I'm now able to stand up to him. Yes, I have no financial security, but knowing he he is in a really shit place, and cannot solve it, is comforting.

I've invited him for lunch, and he is "looking forward to it". He will walk in. See the Christmas tree, with a pile of presents, and know not one is for him. He will stay for lunch, and then I will ask him to leave my home. I will bake a cake, leave it out, but not offer it to him.

My only concern was for his children to not have any regrets, it is now up to him. I will leave things alone, not have any contact. Personally I know he is a complete TWAT, it will dawn on him at some stage.

As we approach the festive season, stay strong. I escaped last year, but this year I am facing it full on. Panto booked, food ordered, tree up, presents bought and wrapped.

Ordered myself my Christmas present to myself, I deserve it! Stay strong ladies

Wow , bubble bath love your fighting spirit , you have cheered me up, I need to get my mojo back too , I can do this , life is too short to be living in the past , thanks for your message ❤️❤️❤️❤️

hello, regular poster to this thread and the original one here.

Bubble, I think in the long run you'd get more comfort from having your X in your home and giving him a bit of cake with his cuppa, and not being comforted by his downfall.

Granted we have cause to want to express our thoughts and feelings but I always think to myself what do our actions say about us as people? You're probably a really nice person and worth way more than this approach to things.

In the early days we had situations where meals/celebrations still went ahead and it was very hard but I just did what I'd always done even to the extent of sitting in my usual place at the table and putting food on my husbands plate just like before. On one occasion I even went as far as carrying out a certain tradition where I broke a date and fed it to him at the start of our meal - and he had to do the same back. I don't know how used to pull it off but I did and I'm told by my children it looked just like normal mama - all except the fact my husband looked haunted. Just the same way when he was having dinner at my daughters house with all of the children and a power cut during the day meant she couldn't cook - so I cooked his favourite meal and sent it round for them all. I'm told he was most uncomfortable and just sat staring at the food my son had put on his plate until one of my kids said it's ok dad, it's not poisoned, the only thing mama has ever stirred into the food is love. And that's when he nodded his head in silence then looked at the food and reflected for a moment before starting to eat. Now people may think I'm bonkers for doing all that but I was determined to never reduce myself to his level, or to behave in a way that made me feel uglier than I was already feeling. It wasn't easy but a few more years in it's really helped me knowing that despite everything that's been, and is still being dished out to me, there isn't a thing he can say about me to anyone - and most of all himself. But more than that - I'm at peace with myself and have no regrets.

Don't let a slice of Christmas cake send out the wrong message.

Oops - I'm obviously still using my old name on my iPad.

Ahh just getting your name now 😂 , I have just woke with yet another night dreaming about him , ffs mind let it go , I too have been the better person though all this , like you I kept up a front for about 12 weeks , then I found out I couldn't do all the family stuff it was breaking me , so I haven't done it since last July , it was too painful , I have been wonderful though and my kids know it , trouble is I have made a rod for my own back I think , they now can't even discuss me dating or a man coming here at all either of them and they live at home . I think because I have been so dependable to them they don't want to share me now ! I am like a saint and a nun in their eyes 👀!!!

Sorry don't live at home !

Great advice ohdearme

Being able to like and respect yourself and the decisions you have made is really important.

See, I neither like nor respect myself, or the decisions I've made.

But just hope it will work out....

isnotgold I agree with you