Going on a Bear Hunt - we're going to get through it!

[madamehooch]

As a previous poster on a wonderful thread which has been a real lifeline but which has now ended, this is a new thread for anyone who has been subject to the misery of having an extremely long term relationship (20 plus years ) end. It's a place to find support and congratulations for whatever tiny steps are made and a big non-judgmental hand hold to help us over the inevitable bumps. There will be little LTB on this thread as usually he's already left us (smiling through the pain is always encouraged )😀

Kirk says it much better than I can.

It's a truly tough journey but you'll find strength you didn't know you had.

The women on this thread are wonderful and supportive, and do make you feel that you've someone holding your hand through it all.

Tennisball just sending another virtual hand hold. Kirk put it brilliantly and Faffa has confirmed what great support you can get from this thread. Taking back that tiny bit of control at this stage by having no contact (except where essential for DC) is a really good way to start your bear hunt.

Thinking of you. There's no denying it's bloody awful but you WILL get through it xx

Forme fabulous I second that , no contact is best , if you kids are small you can do it by text but don't speak to them and make it short instruction , it kills them lol !!!

Hello tartan my lovely, was thinking about you the other day, sorry to hear you're not feeling too great. Welcome to the other new ladies as well.

I've just moved house on Thursday as part of my consent order, so that's the final part of my divorce completed. Legally anyway. I live in the same village as the twat and his squeeze, so contact although rare, is ongoing, I just give them the hobbit death glare and stride on. It's all we can do isn't it? Make new beginnings and experiences and move onwards and upwards.

Hobbit , you are so bloody strong I too live in the same village as him and she stays with him when she abandons her young kids ! Her partner text me last weekend when he stays in the house he has seen she £16,000 in debt ! Stupid prick my ex , onwards and upwards and the strength to continue , he had the cheek to text me this am i hope our new grandchild sorts me out ! Prick all about him again 😡I didn't text back !!!

That must be hard, living so close. I've not seen mine for 2 months and it makes it easier.

Had a bit of a wobble earlier and used mindfulness to bring myself back. Beautiful sunset this evening

Faff and that sounds brilliant, do you have kids with him, sorry can't remember all your story. I wish I could go (at least) two months without seeing mine.

I'm still v new to mindfulness but am feeling small benefits. I've also started going to Pilates and LOVE it, it feels so good for my body and mind.

I find weekends so much harder. I am house and dog sitting for my parents this weekend and apparently in the past this was when my husband spent time with his other women.
I haven't spoken to anyone but the animals all day. I'd really like to go to bed so that today is done with but I have to stay up to let the dogs out for their nighttime wee. Tomorrow will be the same as today.
I've had a very out of date can of Malibu and pineapple but am resisting anymore alcohol so that I don't succumb to contacting him. He hasn't contacted me at all since I found out about his cheating and I wish that he would, if only so I could ignore him.
Every time I think of him I am trying to stop myself and think of something nice instead. It very hard after 20 years though.
I am sure that whilst the present is rubbish, the future will be so much better.

Forme - I have 2 teenage boys, they live with me and are seeing him about once a fortnight. Nothing formally arranged. He doesn't come in the house when he picks up / drops off.

I'm going to have a go at yoga. I'm really new to mindfulness too, but can see how useful it is already. I think it is something we're good at when we're young and then we lose it.

Tapir - spending time with dogs sounds nice, if you like them that is.

Sorry but you made me laugh with your comment on ignoring him! I know what you mean though, wanting to feel some control I think?
It is hard to get them out of our heads, but the fact that you are recognising when it happens is good. Small steps - keep going

Thanks for your support everyone, it's comforting to find this community where other people understand what we are going through. I know I need to try no/ limited contact. I have family staying over tonight and can't help worrying what he will think about that when he comes to pick up our son in the morning. He's still got so much control over me. I need to stop that.

Hi tennis - why would having family staying over be a problem for him?

It will take time to change habits and thoughts and worrying about what he thinks. Dont beat yourself up about it. Small steps.

I had a few days recently where I was almost obsessed with what would he think (about everything I was doing, buying, planning). It made me realise how much I had done things in the past to try and get his approval - that's surely not normal or healthy in a relationship. It sounds cheesy but I think I'm now finding out who I am.

That's the answer faffy , I have had 18 months to find my authentic self ( USA words ) , I went to a 60th last night , didn't drink , and had a ball , no husband , in singledom land , but I danced and laughed all night 😊 Do you know I am getting to slowly like myself , and who am I ???? as I with the same man since I was 18 ????? This is the way through the bear hunt , finding who we really are warts and all lol x

I know you're right and that's exactly what I would say to anyone else. He's had a real issue with my relationships with everyone other than him, family, friends, work etc. He used to be really close to his family and friends too but in the last few years his world has just shrunk and he resents the fact that mine hasn't. He has made me feel like our problems were caused by the fact that I spend time with family and he doesn't, so he feels lonely. But I've never excluded him from anything, he just refuses to join us.
Glad you enjoyed the party Kirk, I know things will get better for all of us and I'm looking forward to discovering my warts x

I don't think you will have many watts you seem too nice tennis , it's a control thing , my ex became like that in hindsight he was jealous of me ???

*warts !

Hello to all the new names, the old names and the changed names. Thanks for all the support; I was having a particularly low time and just needed to put it all out there.

Yes, SaintLou, what do they see in these old blokes? I've done a bit of stalking research and it would appear that STBXH is a year older than OW's father. FFS!!

I've been having quite a difficult time of it with DD1 who has fairly recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and she has just started DBT. I'm trying to find out as much as I can about the disorder and how it affects her and how to help her. I've ordered half of Amazon and bookmarked loads of websites. It's odd, but even just briefly reading through the information, I'm beginning to recognise some traits that STBXH has always displayed and it's actually quite useful to help me deal with the guilt I'm carrying around. Perhaps it's the realisation that a lot of the problems we had were not actually all down to me, and that his own personality and the way he reacted to things were not quite "normal".

I'm seeing a counsellor every fortnight and we're starting to unpick the fact that my feelings of guilt are stopping me from being angry and moving forward - it's almost as if I believe I deserve what's happened to me and can't feel justifiable anger. It's taking a very long time to get to this point, but she's really good at not trying to move me on before I'm ready. Some sessions, I just cry and rant.

I've found the book Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark - not sure of the spelling of her name - and a couple of books by Frank Pittman to be very helpful. I think these have been mentioned a few times by other posters.

Look after yourselves. This truly is the most horrible path we are having to tread.

Hi Tartan

Sounds like a really tough time for you, but the counsellor sounds great. I've heard that guilt is a common feeling, it's terrible how we get so embedded in unhealthy ways of thinking or dealing with the situation/relationship etc. Thank goodness for counselling, self-help books, websites like this...

I did something stupid this evening (not too stupid), I looked on the internet and found a photo of him and the 'woman who allegedly isn't his girlfriend' in a photo together at a fancy event. (This broke my rule of not looking them up on the internet.)
I can tell how far I've come, as I wasn't upset at seeing her with her but what makes me angry is the denial. If they do announce themselves as a couple at some point I want people to know when it started and that it was one of the reasons we split up. I don't know if that just seems petty but otherwise they are just conning everyone else (family and friends) as they did me. The few people that I have told my story (the affairs and cheating) to have been amazed that I haven't already told any family members and that our DS's don't know.

*seeing her with HIM

Hi faffy , do you not think it's time you told them as this would be another step forward for you ??? What's your reasons for telling your ds ? You have moved on so much and don't beat yourself up about breaking your contract with yourself the Internet , but at least the photo of them doesn't bother you as much , you are going to have a fabulous life you know it ❤️ Yes I agree tartan runaway husbands and Paul McKenna how to mend a broken heart 💔 saved my life x

I was thinking of getting the Paul mckenna one. Is it easy to read? My reading attention isn't great at the moment.

I don't know how the DCs would take it. Feels like there's no point in telling them now. I didn't want to tell my parents as they have always been so nice to him and gone out of their way to help and support him at times, I thought they would feel betrayed if they knew and I don't want that.

Yes it's a brilliant read faff, treat yourself too it , my parents were devastated as was my 89 yr old nan , they had loved him since 18 he was like their own son , but this is real life Hun and for you to keep pretending won't be doing your mental health any good , as it's lying to yourself and them , would you want to know if this had happened to one of your kind fs , yes I am sure you would ,life is hard and if you feel shame you don't have too , this was not our doing , but living in a world of acting and pretending messes with your head my lovely x❤️

*one of your kids

Faffy - honestly I would tell your parents. Why should you keep his dirty secrets for him. They are your parents and will want to support you - and I don't feel they can do that fully if they don't know the whole truth. My ex had an affair and I didn't tell any family. I now regret it - they would have supported me and I would have been able to leave him nearly 9 years sooner.

Hi Everyone,
I was pointed in this direction by a lovely poster on another thread, started reading this one but haven't managed the full thread yet. I'm having a bad day as it's three years today that I found out my "almost perfect" other half had been cheating for nine years with an ex colleague. We've been together since I was 15 - had celebrated our 44th wedding anniversary shortly before - and I really thought things couldn't be better (other than a few health problems I was dealing with).
My life felt like a total lie, everything tainted & I felt so stupid. How could I have not known when we were so close, best mates & shared "everything" - obviously not! I still have a lot of these feelings.
We stayed together, he begged & I was terrified to be alone probably due to my health (I had surgery coming up) & the fact I've never actually been alone. Three years on he is still trying to put things right, but it can't happen. I think I will always have the big question in my head - why? He hasn't been able to answer that.
Time does help, I'm not a sobbing mess anymore (most days anyway). But I feel hollow - don't think that will ever go away. Sorry I've rambled on, hope I haven't depressed you.

Oh magpie , how brave of you to write on this thread , I like you had what I thought was a great marriage we had just renewed our vows for our silver wedding , the pain and the why question is still with me even today I ask why ??? He can't answer it either , just like your man he doesn't why he did it , 9 years is a long time for his affair , you are so strong making it work I sometimes i wish I had but he kept lying and I although he keeps telling me he would love to start again , sorry I won't trust him again and although I hate being all alone I am sticking by my decision !! I am sending you a massive hug for sharing your story with us here who are trying to find our way in our abandoned lives ❤️