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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Online dating...... where have all the good men gone? Thread 110.

999 replies

Evilwater · 12/11/2016 21:18

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP
OP posts:
Lilacpink40 · 03/12/2016 12:49

Thanks Pringle and Boxing. My DCs are 10 and 6. They were angry with their DF for getting OW (now GF) and have always said I should get a BF.

They are both good sleepers, but I think it would be a case of us just talking in house in case they did wake up.

I think a park may be good for initial meeting. In a few weeks or months though?

Or I may need a plumber? Wink

pringlecat · 03/12/2016 13:27

Lilacpink40 Sounds like your DC would be supportive of your dating, so whenever you feel comfortable that things may be going somewhere. Note, I say "may be" not "definitely are". It's a risk, of course it always is, but I think as long as you feel that there's a good shot of something good developing, it's not too early. You may get that feeling in a few weeks, it may be a few months... But I think based on your DC's reaction, whenever you feel is OK will be OK for them.

pringlecat · 03/12/2016 13:59

I haven't heard back from Mr Sporadic despite confirming I could do tomorrow afternoon - I both do and don't want to hear from him. I mainly just want to get things over with, I think!

Mr Two and I are on for Monday. Grin I can't stop thinking about kissing him. Mr Two is very kissable. And it's just so nice to feel attractive... I haven't felt pretty in such a long time. I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world the way he was kissing me.

Oh, please let this one work out...

motheroreily · 03/12/2016 14:36

Ok just deleted Facebook and I guess that means Tinder too.

I created Facebook on a new phone with a new number and it was still suggesting people from my past when I have no link to them. I had no friends on Facebook so not even mutual friends. Realise I sound crazy! But I changed my life a couple of years ago and I don't want to be found nothing suspicious!

Buymeamojitonow · 03/12/2016 16:27

Take me under your wing , advice needed

Been OLD for about 3 months , had lots of guys just wanting to chat not went further which is ok . Have been on 3 dates with different guys .

Date one - met was lovely guy but then never heard from him for a week then texted for sex . No bloody way .
Date two met up to have him then tell me he was married and wanted me to have an affair .
Date three . Messaged for weeks . Was great went to his house on first date , his choice, he's never invited any other dates to his house but he knew we would get on - totally mad a know - bit of a distance between us so was easier but we got on so well and it was brilliant . Food & drink , no awkward moments , stayed over , made me breakfast .
He text me after to say we both busy up to Xmas but he wasn't after just a quick jump so we should keep in touch . Unfortunately his texts have dried up 6 days later . Absolutely gutted , was treated like a princess which after 20 years of abusive marriage was brilliant . I've totally over invested in this .
I'm 46 and first time I've had a one night stand . ( pm & am) ha ha . Don't regret it but gutted it went so well and then he disappears . MEN !!!
How do you pick yourself up again . ?

CherryVinRouge · 03/12/2016 16:40

Hello every one I'm a newb to the thread but an old hand with dating I have been single on and off for a few years, had many many dates, I dread to think how many, and a longish relationship of a year with someone I met off POF who turned out to be completely emotionally unavailable and a bit of a dick with it to be honest. I started seeing someone who I thought was just fabulous a few months ago who I met on Tinder, after two months he ghosted me!! WTF. Anyway I have brushed myself off and have a few irons, and had a very lovely first date with a gentleman I will call MrSmiley, it was his first ever internet date and he was a little bit over excited and started planning date two, said he was deleting his account and was very very complimentary and lovely and I was totally swooning when I left... but now he's gone all weird, messaging slowed down and not as chatty as he was sigh, we all know how it works, I am guessing there will be no deleted account and no second date. I am having massive whatsapp angst and seriously need to put the frikking phone down!! I swear I never learn, but it is very rare I actually swoon over a date.

motheroreily What I would suggest doing with Facebook for Tinder is making a brand new account with a brand new email address, use only your real first name make a fake surname, edit the who can add you as a friend, turn it to friends of friends, as you don't have any friends on that account no one will be able to add you you can change the messaging setting to that too I think. Don't use a profile photo or use some generic scenery photo.You can create a photo album, set it to you being the only person who can view the pics and select from that folder when setting up your Tinder profile. That seems to be the most secure way of doing it without having any public info on you FB profile.

BoxingHelena · 03/12/2016 16:45

Buymeamojitonow think about it, it was as good as ons go, even got breakfast :-)
imo if you feel up for ons just - after breakfast just say thanks that was great, exactly what I needed, goodbye and beat them to it ;)

RosettaPebble · 03/12/2016 17:02

Mother I also hate Facebook and to create an account for tinder.

Did you put your mobile number in when it asked you to? If not and you don't have any friends on that Facebook account or contacts in your new phone then it's possible that the people it is suggesting are just people that have searched for you in the past. It freaked me out when it suggested a lad a holiday romance with when I was 15! Turns out he had searched for me for a nosey.

Facebook is the pits when it comes to gathering info on people. It scares me what people will accept in order to post a selfie or a picture of their lunch! Wink

Also double check that you used a different email address to your old Facebook account and that you haven't allowed fb access to your contacts.

I have been stalked and harassed in the past I'm overly paranoid cautious about my online presence in general but you can't be too careful ime.

Buymeamojitonow · 03/12/2016 17:04

True a suppose ma bacon rolls were a bonus . Lol .
Struggling not to text and say wtf , but need to keep ma dignity .

motheroreily · 03/12/2016 17:06

Thanks cherry I will try that. I deleted all my old email accounts and changed numbers so just freaked out when I saw some people I used to know if my people you may know list when we have no friends in common and I have none of their details. (I realise I sound crazy basically I left an intense religious group a couple of years ago and don't want to be found).

I'm sure there's some alorgithm reason for this but I panicked! Will set up a new hotmail on my computer not linked to my phone in anyway and see if that works.

Don't want to miss out on tinder because I've moved on! Smile

BoxingHelena · 03/12/2016 17:16

the second you sign up to FB you basically sign a contract - nobody reads it - that no sane individual would sign it IRL
the extent of intrusion that it has is out of this world - while laws have been passed recently here where all our data belongs to the gov ;-)

motheroreily · 03/12/2016 17:45

Thanks rosetta it really is a mystery. Created it with new email address and have new number too which I hadn't not used ever to contact these people. I didn't even put my real name in so wasn't searchable. hmmm oh well will try and not dwell on it. It's deleted now.

Sorry I know I sound paranoid! I am to be honest.

I've got a date tomorrow I'll call him mr good manners. He seems very nice but not met yet.

Evilwater · 03/12/2016 19:36

I'm waiting on a taxi now.

OP posts:
lastnicknamefree · 03/12/2016 21:01

Good luck evil hope you have a great date, let us know later!

pringle good kissing is just amazing isn't it! I love a good snog. I've been in a few dates with quite poor kissers it's quite a disappointment I think
Looking forward to hearing your update after mr 2 date Monday

cherry I've had experiences like yours and find the ghosting and slow fading with no bloody explanation SO frustrating! It's confusing, and makes me angry. And actually smarts a bit too..

mojito that would annoy me too. But you did nothing wrong and it's him not you. I never understand why men behave the way they do but recently it seems there are a lot of idiots about online! We've all met at least one sadly

Apologies for the men of the thread, I do hear women can be just as bad on the dating scene too!

Lilacpink40 · 03/12/2016 21:13

Evil have a good night Wine

pringlecat · 03/12/2016 21:16

Evilwater Hope you're having fun. Grin

lastnicknamefree Yes, a good snog is quite something. Grin The only problem is, I don't want to invite him round to mine in case he gets the wrong idea, and there's a limit to how kissing you can do in public...

So, Mr Sporadic hasn't confirmed when we're meeting tomorrow. Tempted to make an excuse given I don't really want to see him and I'm quite busy as it is. Would that be terrible? He's done nothing wrong, apart from having horrible timing.

Speaking of horrible timing, someone just replied to a message I sent on Bumble (back when I thought Mr Two had vanished). Arguably he's hotter than Mr Two, but he's not Mr Two... Not sure whether to reply and start a new iron or to just ignore... My heart's not really in it.

Bant · 03/12/2016 21:56

last - I'm not sure if women can be as bad. I've experience the disappearing, the ghosting, the no contact after sex, the weirdness and much of the stuff that women here have said they've experience. But not a single woman has sent me a knobshot yet.

That said, I did get rapidly disillusioned with women who seemed clever and funny and gorgeous, and it soon became clear that they just wanted a free meal somewhere nice.

Some men just want a shag, some women just want steak and champagne. And both will lie in order to get it.

lastnicknamefree · 03/12/2016 22:04

But Bant do women ghost after sex as much as men appear to? The ghosting does seem to be a recurrent theme here and within my friend circle. Genuinely interested in your perspective

Lilacpink40 · 03/12/2016 22:16

Bant it's really interesting to hear the other side of dating. Do the women after a free meal make it obvious at the start or use tricks to persuade men to pay?
I've suggested hot drinks for first dates and offered to share costs so I'm not after tips, just curious.

My date cancelled tonight. Has good reason, but I still feel rubbish about it. I just want it to be easier!

BoxingHelena · 03/12/2016 22:21

who's around? Today I have kept well away from it all (thanks Ms Pringle]
quite eventful week after all, one mustn't be greedy.

Too soon for EVIL loo update I guess, I'm sure is going well.
Thanks again to those who mentioned me last night - as I changed the plan I kind of forgot. My fwb pointed out that we have know each other for over 18 months now, he was one of my first dates and ons turned friendship.

rememberthetime · 03/12/2016 22:22

I had an interesting message from someone ( I suspect copied and pasted) which said that he wanted cuddles, nights in, wine, candles - the whole lot. But no dating as such. No dinners, movies, going out. He was entirely upfront about it. I declined as I have my daughter at home with me and can't conduct a relationship in my home or his. It has to be a day time thing until I feel ready to move forward with it.

But I found his approach refreshing. If I had spare weekend nights I may well have taken him up on his offer.

Bant · 03/12/2016 22:27

No I don't think they do. In fact I'm pretty certain they don't very often.

But I'm also fairly sure that 99% of men don't go on a first date, look at their phone the whole time, seem generally disinterested and say 'thanks but no thanks' and expect the woman to pay for the date.

That hasn't happened to me very often, only a couple of times, but it's happened. A woman is funny and interesting until you actually ask her to meet, at which point she just starts talking about amazing places she's heard of but never been to, which are generally fairly exclusive and pricey

To answer your question, though, no, it's rare if a woman has disappeared after sex. Sometimes it was awkward for both of us (that one who cried unexpectedly, that one who called me by her husbands name) other times it seemed to be great until they.. Just disappeared.

But it's more common for men to do that. And that's because it's job done. Prize won. They've seen you as a goal to be achieved rather than as a potential partner. And they're good at charming you, and women generally want to be charmed.

I'm charming. I'm funny, quite often. I'm not bad looking and earn a decent wage and drive a decent car and I have all my own teeth. And I know if I want a quick shag I can get one. But then I'd lose all interest and move on, hunting for the perfect woman. What I actually want is to meet the right woman, or at least someone who makes me happy, and to be happy with them.

I don't want to disappear on someone. I want to meet someone who's too good to let out of my life.

Problem is, it's difficult to meet that person

rememberthetime · 03/12/2016 22:34

Isn't that the problem tho Bant. Men who want a quick shag and know they can get it are kind of letting the side down. because the women who fall for them are real women who feel shit after that type of encounter and they think that by sleeping with you they are going to keep you. So it is a perpetual cycle of men who think women are flaky and women who think men are mean.
If you are searching for the right one - you should not be sleeping with the wrong ones. it is skewing your opinion. If she isn't right - why sleep with her? If she isn't right - tell her so and let her go on friendly terms.
Isn't it simple when boiled down. Be kind and careful with the emotions of other people while being true to yourself and you can't go wrong.
Do I have rose coloured glasses...

lastnicknamefree · 03/12/2016 23:10

remember if only it were so!

Lust coloured glasses as bant put it make men see women as perfect until they sleep with us then apparently once they fall off the second coitus is over, all our annoying habits and foibles are magnified.

Leaving the man thinking, actually i don't think she's relationship material after all...backing away.....
And the woman thinking, what did I do wrong....

bant could I ask what age bracket you are in? Well obviously I can ask, but you dont need to answer

Rosierose98 · 04/12/2016 09:28

Update. After 5 days daily contact, haven't heard anything for the last 2 days. Had date arranged for today this afternoon.
This is what I hate about online dating, the flakiness - I mean why go to the effort of all that messaging, arranging a date & venue to meet then going totally silent.
If by any chance I get a message from him today re meeting up i'm telling him no.
So disappointed, messages were free flowing & not hard work.
It's so exhausting & they are so full of shit.

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