Online dating...... where have all the good men gone? Thread 110.

[Evilwater]

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP

boxing mr friend is not one of the "bashers". I was thinking about long term, moving it forward. I hate emotion talk, I've never been good at it.

nor me, Evil

how long have you been seeing Mr Friend? Cause you do not sound to excited about him

pringle fingers crossed! I would hope the fact he has already mentioned a second date means he is genuinely keen.

Wise wise words re emotionally unavailable men. He will never change and said himself that he doesn't want to! Why is it so hard?! I just need a good date to distract me.

boxing you're so right. I would be too embarrassed to tell my friends if I contacted him as they would go ballistic! It's been a couple of months now but I keep bumping into him so my 'no contact' hasn't been that effective.

I'm even dithering now about turning down mr drums and giving him a second chance as the conversation was so easy. But surely I should have got some feeling of wanting to kiss him?

Clawdeen You've already invested time in him. It would easier just to see him again. Except, it really wouldn't. You've already learned that he won't be the man you want him to be, so it would just be wasting more time on someone who doesn't think you're the prize.

BoxingHelena I'm not sure I would recommend it. I left quite a big gap between the two dates to allow for the first one running over, but I ended up in the position of having to end it and head off when I would have quite happily spent more time with Mr One. It was also incredibly weird going from chatting to one guy to another - they were both very lovely in very different ways and I didn't feel like I was being fair to them.

Talking to Mr Two was slightly more work than Mr One, but it was still quite easy. If I hadn't seen Mr One, I would have messaged him for a second date by now.

Mr One has not replied though, so I might well end up having to see Mr Two again instead... First dates mean nothing. If I ever end up having a second date with anyone and we want to see each other again after that, I will hold off on the other irons.

Clawdeen I'm not that much of a catch in real life but I know where necessary how to attract attention not that I do that much in real life anyway!

Today has been so busy with a friend and her DC and her DH today, they asked re single men at her DHs office and then she said a lot of city men she knew went ballroom dancing so maybe... She also said that after a lot of searching eg OLD her 50 year old Dsis has met and got engaged to a 45 year old toy boy who's Dutch. They live in Holland. So success can happen!

I agree with what Lilac says re rose tinted glasses re men in your mind, so best to meet soonest!

Got a few queries. A man I matched with on tinder unmatched me after I told him my name which is Russian/polish (I'm not) he's a twat isn't he? I usually explain but didn't with him!

Very strange the man who I matched with and was about to go on a date when he was back from India (he's back today!) has just unmatched me! Cutie is still there... What to do? He's not unmatched me and he's too cute to get rid off...

Evilwater I get you, moose burgers though nice aren't the best if you're not sure of a second date and if he's different from your usual type. I've done that sometimes dated someone different or who I've not fancied and often it's gone badly! Sorry!

Pootle agreed with Bant if you replied to everyone you liked or liked you you'd be on the sites all night!

Clawdeen trust your gut. Safety is good but you want someone who makes you want to smile like an idiot every so often not just smile because someone is paying you attention. Does that make sense?

Lilac - you're right...
Been chatting to someone on OKC tonight...after how many messages should you exchange numbers or suggest meeting up?

genuinely when it feels right :-)

genuineguy BoxingHelena Agree with when it feels right, but there is a window... If you miss it, you're relegated to someone with whom messages are shared and nothing else... and then nothing... Get a conversation going and then the messages are flying back and forth easily, drop in meeting up.

3rd date tonight with mr C! So sex was on the cards, through messaging/chat etc it just kind of got planned

Sadly he was unable to get a erection we talked about it and he assured me it wasn't me and just something in his head where he just overthought the whole thing etc... agree it was all just to planned and even I was a bit nervous about it today but never had that happen before

Spoke since I got home, he has again apologised, told me how much he loves spending time with me and asked to see me again on Tuesday

Anyone had this happen to them? It's kind of shitty

datingbarb It happens.

My advice is to not make a big deal out of it. If you like him, see him again, have fun together, but take mooseburgers back off the table. If he gets to know you a bit more, it may help him relax so that when you do try mooseburgers again, some of that pressure has gone. It sounds like it was just nerves in your case - had he been drinking? Drinking to relax just makes everything worse for men...

It's not a reflection on you, he's told you as much. As shitty as you feel, he probably feels worse. Hopefully this is just a one off and when the mooseburgers are served, they will be worth the wait...

neighbours did you go out first than home?
did you smooch while out and did he feel hard?
not suggesting one should first check .......

I meant dating barb, not neighbours (what the heck)

I would like to join this chat & share my experience. I'm currently on POF and have been messaging a guy non- stop since yesterday ( both been messaging each other back & forth ) lots of laughs & what would seem to be comparability personality wise. He seems to be saying all the right things, had so many let downs re the online dating that I'm not, and I add very strictly not - allowing myself to get excited that I could have possibly been messaging someone nice. He seems genuine, so far we have a couple of dates planned. I am under no illusion this could all be total bullshit & a ploy to get me in the sack with it being POF. Anyway we are due to Skype sometime this week I think as it's going to be another 2 weeks until we meet up due to commitments. I just wanted to share either my bad experiences or good to let you all know if there is any hope on these terrible sites. Would any of you like me to keep you updated ? I think it would be nice to share this

Rosierose98 We live for updates...

We all go through good, bad and dry spells of OLD here... We live vicariously through each other! Do keep us updated.

No reply from Mr One. What is wrong with men? If you're not keen, don't tell someone in person you want to see them again!

Mr Sporadic has been in touch to set up a first date. He wants to do lunch. I've never done lunch as a first date...

Cons: firstly, it's harder to make a quick exit. Lunch is more than expensive than a drink. That leads to all kinds of complicated thought processes in my head to do with the bill... I'm sure he would offer to pay and be able to afford to, but would I want him to?

Pros: we have stuff to talk about (I suspect he will be more enthusiastic in person and like me is genuinely busy with life). Secondly, I like food.

pringle that is so annoying! It really doesn't take long to text but could he possibly have got caught up at work? I wouldn't write him off just yet but can see why you're annoyed. He was the one being enthusiastic! And I can't be doing with hot and cold. Fingers crossed he comes good very soon. What about date 2, have you been in touch?

What type of place has Mr Sporadic suggested for lunch? Is it a cafe where you could eat very quickly ? I've had 2 lunch dates- one was in his lunch break so a defined end point and in a quick counter service place so no worries about the bill/ not being able to make an exit. Only mistake was that I chose couscous and was convinced it was stuck to my teeth!

pringle thank you for some very sound advice. I was never Mr no commitment's prize and never will be and that caused me a lot of heart ache despite me trying to pretend otherwise. I think I'm looking back with very rose tinted glasses.

super thank you- that was so helpful. I shouldn't play safe or settle, and you've identified what I want- someone that makes me laugh like an idiot. I think I'm so over focused on wanting a boyfriend that I am getting too carried away by someone 'normal' that pays me attention even in the absence of any attraction on my part.

I am impressed by your RL pulling ability! I've been single nearly 7 years and have only been approached in RL once. I need tips on looking more approachable!!

Clawdeen I haven't been in touch with Mr Two. We had fun, but he hasn't messaged me and I am getting tired of rejection. Weighing up whether I want to see him again enough to ask.

Mr One is losing his appeal by every minute he ignores me...

Mr Sporadic hasn't suggested a venue. I am still mulling over a reply...

pringle my reaction would be the same as yours! I would want to see some enthusiasm. I'm not one for playing it cool. Tricky re Mr 2 too. Maybe worth firing him a quick message tonight/tomorrow just so you're not left wondering. Though my advice is probably screwed by having encountered zero attractive 'normal' irons!

Clawdeen At this rate I'm going to make the news for suddenly losing it and screaming in public "I AM THE BLOODY PRIZE! TREAT AS THE PRIZE!"

One day... it's coming!

Well I have a date next Tuesday, been texting for what feels like forever. I'm making plans for nye for me and the kids and mentioned he and his son would be welcome, was told no he was having a quiet one with his child ... Did I put my foot in it ?

Loving hearing about everyone's OLD experiences and wisdom! I have been exchanging emails with a handful of men on Match - one told me I was stupid and a ditherer because I didn't want to give him my mobile number after one email!

Second one - we exchanged 10 emails (within match) each and on every one he added 'your beautiful' (yes I know he spelled you're wrong!) or 'you have a lovely smile'. So I told him in what I thought was a kind way that it comes across as a bit insincere saying that on every message but he hasn't replied..

Third one wants to meet for a coffee for one hour but got the huff when I said I couldn't this week. 'well you let me know when you make up your mind and I will let you know if I meet someone else. I am a nice man'!!

I think I might just leave this OLD lark for a bit - at least until I can be more invested in it and dont have work and Christmas and poorly dogs and bills taking up my time and energies

Hello everyone! Lurker wants to join in please!

Bit of background, separated for nearly 6 months and divorce in process. Have got myself into good headspace and am enjoying life with myself and kids so have decided to dip back into meeting new people and dating.

I did very recently have a short fling with someone that I initially met many years ago. A player. Turns out he hasn't changed much!
Signed up to pof with a limited profile and have been chatting with several potentials and had 3 dates over the weekend.
My initial request for help; how do you politely tell someone that you didn't 'feel' it when you met them after exchanging messages for a week or two? Can you really tell after a couple of hours over coffee? Is it acceptable to ditch them just because you didn't find them visually attractive? I was slightly turned off prior to coffee by his obvious 'feminine' side. Should I really judge someone who counts down the days to a date by message, tells me he's deleted his pof account and is preparing for our 'date' with cucumbers on his eyes?

it is monday
i hate the all
I do I move forward from this ?