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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Online dating...... where have all the good men gone? Thread 110.

999 replies

Evilwater · 12/11/2016 21:18

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP
OP posts:
Bant · 26/11/2016 22:39

I miss laughter, cuddles.. I live in an austere cold environment.. Not perfect but who is.. Don't see the point in telling a lie..

Yeah, he's married and dissatisfied and wants to cheat on his wife

sumoweeble · 26/11/2016 22:41

Hi fluff (and everyone else!) Thanks for asking how I'm doing.:) Not too great dating wise but all my own fault- keep fluctuating on whether I'm ready for the OLD malarky at all... and then when I think hell yeah, give it a go, give it your all, what's to lose, I alternate between thinking 'hold out for someone you're really likely to fancy' and 'give anyone who's interested, might be a grower and isn't an obvious psychopath a chance'. Neither strategy is yielding much success, tbh.

In mode 1 I am utterly picky (with no cause seeing as I'm as flawed as the next person- and then some, some might say) and very few people get through my filters/receive a right swipe (though I am brilliant at super-liking people on tinder by mistake, annoyingly). Those rare men where I think 'mm, yeah, nowt obviously wrong with this one!' hardly ever message me/message me back if I make the first move. So they're probably out of my league or want different things than me or don't fancy me or aren't at a matching/compatible stage of life or whatever. Once or twice I've had great messaging experiences but it's unusual and one of those was with someone who liked messaging but didn't want to actually meet me. So I'm finding getting to the point where I have a date lined up with someone who I feel genuinely a bit smitten about/hopeful that there will be a spark in rl very difficult.

But eventually I give myself a talking to and say, look mate, there are not enough fish in this tiny rarefied pond you have allowed yourself to paddle in, jump into swim in the sea proper and meet someone, anyone, come on, who do you think you are being so picky anyway. And so I get some dates... but I really haven't had much fun on any of them, though none have been totally disastrous either. (And I was disappointed- I'd rather they were disastrous so at least it would be an exciting story!) They've just been dull. They all suggest going to the same places. Good places but you get this deja vu thing. So basically I attract boring men, which probably means I'm boring too. Though I very rarely feel bored with friends, family, work etc. There's that weird thing as well that they've pretty much all asked for second dates- I think because of that sod's law thing that people who aren't invested in you whatsoever seem more attractive plus I'm probably quite good at shooting the breeze, chatting and finding out about people because I have that kind of job- so I've then had to say no to seeing them again, which I don't like but they really have made me think 'ah, the single life, it's a good and wonderful thing.'

Cancelled tonight's date yesterday as felt a bit ill and thought I was coming down with something. I didn't want to pull out at the last minute. I'm relieved as it'd been arranged during a give it a go phase and I convinced myself he'd be ok because he has the same bike as a good friend of mine but he'd suggested meeting at the same place as every other man ever and... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I'm thinking of taking a break from it all until I can summon up a bit more enthusiasm.

Gosh- had more to say on this than I realised- bet you wish you hadn't asked!

How's everyone else getting on? Anyone had a lovely Saturday night date tonight?

Bant · 26/11/2016 22:42

I read somewhere that 1/3 of all men's profiles are married men. This one just isn't particularly trying to hide it. And no photos either.. Yes it's kind of blatant

sumoweeble · 26/11/2016 22:50

Yeah, those married men messages are all over the place. Just ignore. Like the ethical monogamy and interested in polyamorous thing.

Lilacpink40 · 26/11/2016 22:54

Regarding Paddington's post, I feel a bit daft, wouldn't have noticed those 'married man' clues Blush

rememberthetime · 26/11/2016 23:04

Need some advice re online chatting etiquette. How much detail do you go into about yourself? I am really open - but worry that I might be giving too much info. but then how do you get to know someone without being open?

How long does the chatting stage go on for - before you move to the telephone or meeting up?

I have been talking to someone on Bumble who ticks lots of boxes - but feel out of my depth. He does seem lovely though.

I feel like I am not really ready for dating and would prefer to chat for longer - but he might get bored with that quite quickly?

There is also another who seems interesting. Lets call them Mr Creative and Mr Driver....(actually there is a Mr Baker too!)

aaah help...

sumoweeble · 26/11/2016 23:13

I don't think there are any hard and fast rules, rememberthe time but there are quite a few people out there who enjoy the chat and want to do just that indefinitely and never meet so important to clarify fairly early on what you both want. Maybe with a hey, really enjoying this chat, shall we continue it in person one of these days? type question.

sumoweeble · 26/11/2016 23:14

Sounds like you have lots of irons.:)

Lilacpink40 · 26/11/2016 23:18

Remember the longer you chat the longer you'll form a 'picture' of the person to whom you're chatting with in uour mind. It can build up an unrealistic image. If you meet a man you'll see body language and may be surprised that actually he's not really being funny with opinions but rude, or he may say the same comments in a domineering manner. You can't tell unless you meet in person. Also you may chat with someone lovely, but they date someone else as the other person appears more keen. I'm not saying jump straight in to dating, but it can be better to meet fairly soon. It's dating practise if it doesn't lead anywhere so not wasted time.

Paddington72 · 26/11/2016 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sumoweeble · 27/11/2016 00:08

It's rough on his wife. Awful. But sadly very far from unusual. OKstupid and plenty of fish are quite notorious for this. And the swipey app sites are full of marrieds too, i'm sure. Just not so open about it because the profiles are so short.

BoxingHelena · 27/11/2016 00:11

not totally convinced it is .... sensible .... to cut and paste test from a dating site onto this Topic ladies.... the search robots are always at work

BoxingHelena · 27/11/2016 00:12

text, not test

genuineguy · 27/11/2016 09:23

Back again for some advice/perspective...party season started, my last love interest, Dancing Queen, was there. managed to avoid her all night as there were a few of us. Mentioned to one of my friends I felt a bit awkward around her, he said don't worry about it. She was quite flirty with people in the bar dragging a few into our group when we were dancing, then running off when they got too close! 😃
Well my friend shared a taxi with her and he must've told her what we talked about as I got some texts from her at 2am telling me not to tell people I feel awkward around her!! She's says she's done nothing wrong...yet she won't tell me what I did wrong for her to end things with me...
I was coping with her rejection and this latest text exchange has confused me even more...especially as she has refused to talk about it.

Bant · 27/11/2016 09:48

boxing - I think it's probably a good idea not to paste our own profile text in here, in case someone did search and was able to identify an MN profile with an OD profile.. It's unlikely but you never know.

However, how anyone would think to google for their own profile text and find a post on here.. Well I don't think that's a risk, is it? I've never googled my own profile text, it simply wouldn't occur to me.

Although I may try that now just to see if anyone is discussing my love of long walks on the beach, whilst simultaneously going out and staying in with a dvd...

BoxingHelena · 27/11/2016 09:56

Bant I believe that with anything to do with information on line is always better to be safe than sorry. But I understand I am in a minority, considering the oversharing of the last 10 years

If anything else, its not even good etiquette to publish the content of a private message somewhere else. I am sure you would like if it was your own msg either.

And ask in asking who would do that? Lots of suspicious partners snoop around all day long, as this forum should have bought us ;-)

Lilacpink40 · 27/11/2016 10:22

Genuine how an ex acts is up to them, and telling others in your group that you feel uncomfortable doesn't help you?

It's really hard to see an ex enjoying themselves, but neither of you wants to leave the group. I'm not sure what you want - to see her again?

Sounds like she has moved on and you'd be better off looking ahead too.

Bant · 27/11/2016 10:31

boxing - no, you're right, I wouldn't like it if someone was sharing the contents of a personal message on here. But that message was hugely generic, written by a man who openly says he's married in his OD profile, and if his suspicious partner were to google for the text in it, she'd already have to have access to his POF account. And she'd find that one of the women he'd sent it to (of which there were presumably many) were on here.

So ethically, I wouldn't be concerned about exposing his identity, just the MN poster's. And if it's a generic message then I think the risk is low.

But yes, private messages linking a married man's profile to someone on here probably shouldn't be shared.

genuineguy · 27/11/2016 10:33

Lilac - I suppose I'm looking for an answer as to what went wrong..I do still have feelings for her, which is where my "awkwardness" shows. I thought I was coping well by avoiding her and not putting myself in any sort of position where misunderstandings may come about.
I probably need someone to tell me to get over it and move on!! 😃

BoxingHelena · 27/11/2016 10:44

Bant I was possibly been a bit pedantic and did not mean to pick on the poster, just general thoughts based also on other Topics on this forum

I am going to need your "male brain" as some point. I gave up guessing / understanding / overtiming way long ago, but considering I am here, and you guys are here I may just make the most of it :-)

genuineguy I don't know your story, just recently joined the discussion, but from what you wrote here my gut reaction is that she is weary of you - which you read as unfinished business - but who knows.
I am from the school of thought, If it doesn't make you feel good, stay away.

Evilwater · 27/11/2016 10:56

Mousse burgers were served. Many times Blush
It went really well, Food was good as was the booze. We both had a good time. I had all my walls up as I dint want to OI. Not a bad kisser, he caught me by surprise, Blush
I'm still unsure, he seems nice guy. I guess I'm more guarded after mr. No commitment.

OP posts:
Crazycat1980 · 27/11/2016 11:03

Yay Evil!!

Great news

Evilwater · 27/11/2016 11:09

I'm still not sure of a second date. He was not like the guys I've had before.

OP posts:
BoxingHelena · 27/11/2016 11:47

in what way not like the others before evil

BoxingHelena · 27/11/2016 11:52

good for you Evil, I must try those burgers soon, what's veggie option called?