Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Online dating...... where have all the good men gone? Thread 110.

999 replies

Evilwater · 12/11/2016 21:18

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP
OP posts:
pringlecat · 20/11/2016 22:38

Ladies! And gentleman! Something... incredible has just happened! Shock

AintThatSomething · 20/11/2016 22:40

Yes, pringle do go on...

Bant · 20/11/2016 22:42

Oh yes, she went on a second date too.

I should point out I'd got home from work, changed in a rush as I didn't want to wear my work suit to the date, and my shirt was linen and wrinkled.

But I didn't want the third date, she was more into me than I was into her. Apart from the clothes.

pringlecat · 20/11/2016 22:42

I've just met someone through OLD who went to the same rural school as me in the same year and now lives down the road. I actually never met him at school (but know the name!) and we've both moved around a lot so ending up in the same place is... I can't even begin to work out the odds.

Please, please, please let him be a normal!

Clawdeen · 20/11/2016 23:05

Wow pringle spooky! Fingers crossed. You deserve someone normal. Though isn't it bad that 'normal' is what we're hoping for. We should be hoping for 'amazing'!

pringlecat · 20/11/2016 23:29

Clawdeen Even if we don't fall madly in love, it would kinda be nice to make friends with someone from back home. So I hope we at least hit it off as mates.

I know, right? When we're all hoping against all hope just for a normal human being who might be open to a normal human interaction... oh, there is something wrong with the world, for sure.

BoxingHelena · 21/11/2016 09:20

looks like I now have 3 dates this week ???

loobyloo1234 · 21/11/2016 09:33

Oooh BoxingHelena - that's exciting? When's the first one? Smile

pringlecat · 21/11/2016 11:14

C'mon, BoxingHelena, details. Wink

What have your named your three dates and which of them are you looking most forward to meeting?

SuperFlyHigh · 21/11/2016 11:16

pringle do your research on this local man who you went to school with!

I have a story happened this spring, was on OLD noticed one man lived in the next area to me... He seemed interesting and was interested in me so I thought why not and we met up. I moved back to the area where I was brought up about ooh 15 years ago to buy a flat and he bought a flat nearby too. Our parents still live in the same area, mine 10 minutes away his same distance. Anyway it turned out he knew me, had been in my childhood house and was the younger brother of a school friend of my brother. This school friend knows me and has the reputation of being a bit of a Casanova. He also apparently put down and stole girlfriends from his younger brother.

So anyway I dated him, found out he wrote poetry which was online and then found out he had depressive conditions now managed. Fine but then also found out he'd been in a disciplinary at work which he was fighting and the stress and repercussions of that spilled into our lives... We had sex and that wasn't great but had it not been for the other problems I would have maybe given it a go. Strange things like I went to his house for dinner twice he cooked spaghetti with a meat sauce but each time added chilli which I don't like and told him about, first time fine I ate it, second time I told him don't do it like that as I can't eat it but he did it anyway (prepared). So I dumped him and he got nasty with me finally calling me drunkenly by his twin sister's name in a text and saying all women were the same, shallow etc! Dodged a bullet there!

So I got a brief text off Cutie saying he'd had friends staying all weekend and he'd been a tourist and was very tired. This was last night. When should I text him again or should I wait for him to text me.

Widower texted me last night to say busy day for him today with 2 school runs, working late to make up his hours today, meetings at his workplace and his MILs birthday today. But I need to speak to him re date or not!

Bant your date stories are funny. The toilet one is always awkward sometimes you can get round it by explaining but sometimes not. The mad woman you dodged a bullet.

I had an awful date years ago with someone I had thought I'd get on with, we met, seemed to click then he asked me what I liked etc. so I told him then brief history of past life (clubbing etc), he immediately looked at me like I was something the dog had brought in and went cold on me. I recall feeling really bad as though my life was somewhat seedy (it wasn't!) he even saw me on my bus!!! Strange.

Had a few years back at pre Christmas drinks in a bar, my brother was a photographer and invited a male model friend along and another photographer friend and one of his normal mates with my friends who were there. The male model started to chat me up, I was sort of thinking "you're very good looking so I'm going to be a bit wary" but I was friendly and he was angling for a date... Then he mentioned all his stunning, rich ex girlfriends, where they lived, where he'd taken them home to a huge house with tennis courts etc... I wasn't sure if he was trying to impress me or not but it put me right off! Next time I saw him was the following spring on his birthday when I was out with my brother and a few other friends and he was a bit drunk in a pub on Clapham Common. He still tried to chat me up then but I don't do guys when they're drunk.

BoxingHelena · 21/11/2016 11:16

tomorrow, and Thu and Fri Shock This is not my "usual" at all but I had a backlog

SuperFlyHigh · 21/11/2016 11:20

Clawdeen where do married men get off? And what's all that about trying ethical non monogamy?! They must think we are born yesterday...

Pisseddoff sometimes it's worth modifying your search settings on sites eg OKC.

I like tinder as can dip in and out as and when. Not tried bumble. Thinking of trying happn.

I have noticed a few of the same men appearing on multiple sites... I suppose they must see us women too though!

SuperFlyHigh · 21/11/2016 11:21

BoxingHelena we need details and names... And keenness level from you and them. Wink

pringlecat · 21/11/2016 12:03

SuperFlyHigh Wow, that's a horror story! You know, I'm pretty sure my mum will know who he is, but there is no good way of dropping that into a conversation with her...

I still haven't brought myself to use Tinder. I don't want a casual hookup and I'm sure at least 90% of men see that app as a hookup app.

SuperFlyHigh · 21/11/2016 12:13

pringlecat I was like you thought Tinder was a hook up site but as long as you spell it out what you want then most men now use it as another dating app but without the chat/info and detail of other sites!

you could always mention old school friends etc to your mum and also big convo round to it then ask "what happened to XXX? Do you know?" You should work out how to coach it. Maybe mention you've heard rumours of a possible school reunion do it that way!

BoxingHelena · 21/11/2016 12:17

:-) Cant say I have thought about names, so here we go 1 Muso 2 Lefty 3 Local
One is def my type look wise and makes me a bit nervous just thinking about it, we have not spoken that much at all but the little I know its just very cool and sweet , the other two nice personality and interesting life, well travelled, I like that, I would stretch it as far as saying they are feminists and they appear keen but also relaxed, which for me is extremely important

Can you ladies (and Bant) update me on your personal n1 if any? :-)

BoxingHelena · 21/11/2016 12:21

needless to say the one who I like best is the one who doesn't give anything away. Classic :)

lastnicknamefree · 21/11/2016 12:51

So update on mrunsuitable
After our seemingly fabulous first date Friday, he sent only 1 message Saturday and didn't reply to my question
Sunday morning I sent a message first thing, saying I'm confused now....
He replied with what could either be plaiusible or most likely a brush off saying he'd been super busy at work, had a backlog, was stressed and also going on holiday this week so had a lot to get done with a x
Sounds ok but instinct tells me there's more to it, after a great date you either chat more and say you had a good time, ask to see them again or you slow fade because they were not for you. It's clearly the latter.
I'm disappointed and confused as we've been chatting so well for 2 weeks and the date was so good. 4 hours of non stop chatter, we were very easy in each other's company and did kiss a lot on saying goodbye.
Also nice messaging when we got home, both said we really had fun, both said the kissing was lovely!
Then nothing?
So I don't like the slow fade I'm more of a rip the plaster off quick person. 30 seconds of pain versus 2 weeks of discomfort
So I've just sent him a very long, upbeat and friendly but probably uncomfortable for him what's app asking him outright! He's read but not replied so my instinct was spot on. If I was mistaken and it was just that he is busy with work and going on holiday he'd have come right back and said so! I cringingly told him I liked him and would like to see him again too...
I did say I wasn't getting the same vibe from him though and asked for a reason. Oops Blush

SuperFlyHigh · 21/11/2016 13:15

lastnickname hate to say but it seems a slow fade too... Annoying when you think you've got on very well and have kissing etc out of the way.

Why was he MrUnsuitable as a nickname first off though??!!

Boxing of course we always like the men who don't give anything away more, it makes us want to know more. I recall when I was younger and didn't OLD I was advised by 2 male friends to "not tell them everything about you too soon, keep intrigue there" which I didn't do. So now I try to do that in OLD convos!

Now I'm stuck with my 2 irons... Want to know when Cutie wants a date (he did last week) and also what's the score with Widower. It's so annoying when you have no idea what's happening in their lives you have stuff too but don't know how much etc is too much. I wrote last week that I was worried I'd scared Cutie off with telling him when drunk I found him really cute but it opened up a convo re photos got flirting started off then ended with him asking me for a drink. But we never arranged a date and then he just texted me last night prob to show his interest. He sounded tired.

NewStartNow · 21/11/2016 13:28

Long time lurker here. Can I join in?

I left an ea relationship late last year and have been on a couple of dating sites for a few months. I am worried I might be an over investor/ hoodwinked by another love bomber.
Had a date Friday afternoon ( after chatting for a couple of weeks) and it was lovely. We got on so well.
Later that evening it transpires we were both free ( circs changed) so I invited him over to mine and well ...ahem.... the rest is history.

We've arranged to get together later this week. He seems lovely I'm just wary as he's very keen. I've done the freedom programme and my radar isn't pinging yet. Any thoughts/advice ?

lastnicknamefree · 21/11/2016 13:38

superfly I named him that because as relationship material, or even long term dating he is unsuitable (probably) because we live quite far apart, he has a job that means he works long and unsociable hours, both of those facts combined meant we'd struggle to see each other much. Plus younger than me, no kids but wants them when I've got my family already. I knew we weren't going to be the next big romance but chatted so well over message thought I'd meet him for a drink anyways and then really fancied him in person! Urghh, so confused/disappointed !

On your 2 irons, can you just ask cutie? I'm always direct but polite. Just say something along the lines of...so you mentioned meeting up again, shall we book a day in the diary if you still want to?

newStart if he's still in contact and keen after the mooseburgers I'd say he genuinely likes you as the ones only after hook ups etc tend to go quiet after they get it (usually after protesting they are not only after one thing!)
Just be wary of too much too soon, love bombing etc. Take things slowly and try not to over invest emotionally is my advice even though I'm the worlds worst at this!! Good luck

Pisssssedofff · 21/11/2016 13:43

Well I usually try and play it cool but then find out he's in a relationship 5 mins later with some hottie, so don't do that. I think you e just got to jump in, if you like him go for it, if you get hurt you pick yourself up and try again

UpYerGansey · 21/11/2016 14:11

Still lurking, still following all your stories.

I have one small thing to say about Rule 14. The guy I'm seeing whom I'm really into, and have been from date 2 - long story, but we are A Thing now told me on Date 2 that he didn't want a relationship. Alarm bells, of course, but I persisted.... HmmBlush
Date 4 the morning after the night before I asked him why he didn't have a gf. He replied "who'd want me".

ME, YOU IDIOT!!
So here we are several months later, and a week after we'd spent the most amazing weekend away, he turned around and said "I may have been a bit slow coming to this, but I think maybe you like me for me".
This is a professional man, high achiever, brains to burn...
And he DOES want a relationship...

BoxingHelena · 21/11/2016 14:48

UpYerGansey that's a nice story, it is indeed a very natural, dare I say "normal" evolution, not every relationship starts with a loud bang. You persisted but he was obviously into you from the start too.

You cannot persist when on the other side there is a wall, can you? Ghosting is very common

lastnickname yep, I agree too, no good. Best disappear fast.

Personally I do not like playing mind game, I never did, but with OLD you must back off after a good first date, you MUST !

I would add a rule to the list

If they mention HOLIDAYS!!! forget it.
If they put pressure to meet you "because they are going on holidays next week" - tell them ok call me when you are back
if they mention holiday only after a date do not believe it for a second. If the holiday was real it would be the most obvious topic of conversation ON THE DATE, not after. Wouldn't you? Of course you would talk about it on the date because you would be excited about it.

BoxingHelena · 21/11/2016 14:51

what does IRONS means ? Blush

Swipe left for the next trending thread