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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Online dating...... where have all the good men gone? Thread 110.

999 replies

Evilwater · 12/11/2016 21:18

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP
OP posts:
lastnicknamefree · 19/11/2016 20:28

Urghh i have a severe case of messaging angst already after my first date with mrunsuitable last night.

I hate it when you have a seemingly great date, get on well, the 4 hours fly by, snogging at the end and messaging when we both got home, then today nothing. Well he sent one message in response to mine this morning and that was it. He's working, has a very busy full on job so I'm sure he's genuinely busy but after the first date with someone when you actually find you really quite like them, it always need reassurance in messaged to say they enjoyed it too, or would like a second date etc or I start to think they've changed their minds....

Hate this bit!!!

Sorry for the self indulgent moan

Hyggeligt · 19/11/2016 20:53

That's really frustrating lastnickname, did he say yesterday if he would like a second date or enjoyed it etc?

lastnicknamefree · 19/11/2016 20:58

hygge we messaged when home a few back and forth, he said the kissing was lovely and that he "really had fun xxx" so he must have either been super tipsy (we both were) and in the cold light of day and sober reconsidered or slim chance he is genuinely busy. He runs a restaurant and it's Saturday so he could be I guess...#clutchesatstraws

Hyggeligt · 19/11/2016 21:49

I'd think he'd be really busy, if he runs a restaurant and had last night off, it may be that he's having to work more today ?

lastnicknamefree · 19/11/2016 21:56

hygge thanks for taking time to reply, I know it's silly but that's why I love these threads because we can all dump and nice people come on and offer support/sympathy/reassurance

He is restaurant manager for a very fancy place in outer London and it's his first night back since Tuesday. He started at 3 so maybe I shouldn't lose hope that he's still keen and will ask for another date..

If not I'll live!

blankpieceofpaper · 19/11/2016 22:27

I have been on a second date with Lukewarm today - we went around an art gallery and had lunch. But once again no initiation of anything at the end - nothing about another meeting and no text since. We said goodbye and the hope you have a good week/ evening type of stuff and went our different ways.

I am still of the typical he should show he is interested/ take the lead/ no point in wasting your time if he doesn't initiate frame of mind. Doesn't stop the feelings of frustration and here we go again!

lastnickname I hope you find out soon!

Hyggeligt · 19/11/2016 23:05

lastnickname I chatted for a while with a restaurant manager /chef and he was crazy busy and we could probably have never met up because of his hours, combined with when he had his kids & I have my daughter. Shame, as he was lovely. Give him til the end of tomorrow??

blank I'm the same re the man taking the lead etc, I need to work on that I think. I never realised I was so old fashioned!!

Chatting via message with Mr Beard, it would seem he hasn't really seen that I'm interested in him; I haven't wanted to make a move. Things are becoming a little clearer!!

pringlecat · 19/11/2016 23:32

lastnicknamefree Keeping fingers crossed. As Hyggeligt says, give yourself a deadline when you stop waiting for a reply and write him off though.

So, Mr Lawyer wants to meet me, but he "isn't looking for a relationship" according to his profile. What do you think? Is he just after a hook up? Because I'm really not and my profile makes that clear.

I just don't have time to waste on someone when it's obvious he has no interest in a potential relationship whatsoever. Should I ask?

motheroreily · 19/11/2016 23:51

needyounow I'm not a successful dater so guy might not want to listen to me!

Just try and enjoy yourself. I found some good advice on YouTube. But overall just remember dating is hard old might not lead anywhere but you just have to get out there and give it a go.

Not all dates are successful but just try and take them for what they are. X

talesofthevillage · 20/11/2016 01:28

Hello old experts, is it worth joining match? What you do you get as a free member?

Myusernameismyusername · 20/11/2016 02:10

I've never done match I just did POF. I'm not very adventurous.

Mr Shy was a bit moody/tired and quiet this evening. It puts me on edge somewhat. He's told me it's one of his flaws that helped ruin his marriage and I can see him fighting it a bit but kind of like he's super tired or not with it..I asked him twice if he was tired and wanted to go home he said no. We still had a nice time but it wasn't as fun and I left feeling a bit blah, like is it me? Am I annoying. So over invested paranoia here Blush

'Not looking for a relationship' means exactly that. Not just sex but no commitment/multiple dating etc. I would ask tho as I think some people put it then don't change it or are trying to be casual

Bant · 20/11/2016 08:44

tales - there's not much point joining match as a free member, you can't send or reply to messages, so there's not a lot you can do apart from see profiles.

Pof is generally dire, but free. OK Cupid is also free, as are tinder and bumble.

The paid sites tend to have a better quality of profile, and you've got fewer 'hey babe' type messages to wade through, but you still get some.

Sometimes there are free trial offers for match, but they're often 'pay for a month, get three days free' or something

SuperFlyHigh · 20/11/2016 10:22

I've had a strange week but Cutie came back to me... We talked and he ended up asking me for a drink/date!

Widower I need to bite the bullet and ask if he wants to meet me again or not! I can't just sit here waiting!

Other guy Beardy leather Jacket is in India for next week but wants a date on his return.

Pringlecat with Mr Lawyer I think the old "when a man or person tells you who they are or what they want listen" is very very true! In my experience anyway. So unless you want a casual sex based relationship I'd not even bother asking what he wants, as he's stated what he wants!

Hyggelit sounds all good with Mr Beard are you worried he's got cold feet or something? Sounds fine to me.

lastnickname keeping fingers crossed. Sometimes people are busy or they don't want to appear too keen, stupid that is though, game playing almost??

blank I'd hope that one or the other of you would suggest another date, but he should do it yes and not leave so open ended. Frustrating.com!

MyUserName do you think the moodiness/shy with Mr Shy could become a problem like in his marriage? Could you bring it up lightly? Or not??!!

tales as a free member on Match it's frustrating as you can't message.

OKC is quite good for a free site. I agree with bant POF is rubbish. Tinder is better than I thought but downside is it's based on photos and you can or can't choose to put info about you there, don't expect it to be like eg Match with questions/answers/how you connect etc. but it's nice if you want to "cut the crap" and just talk and go out based on attraction. Not tried bumble yet.

Agreed with bant lots of sites do free 3 day trials but work on the basis you'll either be so impressed you'll stay a member or they work that you may forget and renew automatically (happened with me on Match!). Some sites are crafty. Where are you based tales?

Myusernameismyusername · 20/11/2016 10:43

Just ask him if he wants to meet again!

The thing with moody people is that I always think it seems worse to keep asking what is wrong? He was just very quiet it wasn't quite moody but him having confessed he is moody (and trying his best to not behave moodily now he is aware of it in relation to his marriage breakdown) it was relaxed but he's just slightly not in the moment. I'm going to let this go this time. The problem with me is that I am very bouncy/glass half full all in RL, I know to some that can be irritating and grating. We have plans next weekend so will see then...
I won't be able to put up with moody very long because it just makes me so on edge

pringlecat · 20/11/2016 13:37

So, Mr IT looked nothing like his photo. It's probably about 5 years out of date and at least a stone. I feel much better about my photos now. You can tell who I am; you can't say the same about him.

He wasn't unattractive per se (just that his photo was much better), but looks-wise reminded me of my significant ex, who didn't treat me very well. Not really his fault, I guess, but I can't shake it.

I'm not going to chase. Ball is in his court.

I might ignore Mr Lawyer. I had one guy contact me before who said he had put casual in his profile because he didn't want children, not because he didn't want a relationship, but maybe I should just write off Mr Lawyer. I don't have time to waste on someone who doesn't think I'm the prize.

Why is it so hard to find a man who thinks I'm the prize?

I bloody well am a prize!

BoxingHelena · 20/11/2016 16:06

Hello Ladies
OMG !
what have I been missing out !
I never knew such a Topic existed
Can I join in? I believe I am qualify with some truly sensationally bad dates to share
Or may be not

ShareSouthEast · 20/11/2016 16:06

so excited cannot even spell !

pringlecat · 20/11/2016 16:25

BoxingHelena All war stories welcome... Grin

ShareSouthEast · 20/11/2016 16:36

thanks PLC
I have no active profile at the moment (my heart so not in it lately) but now that I know I can share the (pain) wisdom it is an incentive to ge back "up"

Mind you, meeting someone new tomorrow evening Wink

pringlecat · 20/11/2016 16:42

ShareSouthEast How many first first dates have you had previously?

I've had three so far and I'm getting tired of it already! A coffee can be anywhere between one hour and three hours and yet each time necessitates a huge amount of effort in scrubbing up well...

Still irrationally annoyed I haven't heard back from Mr IT even though I don't think I want to see him again...

tooyoungtobeamrs · 20/11/2016 16:44

Hi all! I want to jump in too if you don't mind!

Recently returned single after a long-term relationship.

I have been chatting with this colleague on fb and wa for weeks. We went out and kissed but then he left for a long business trip and sort of disappeared Sad

I am feeling pretty low about it at the moment, even though I keep telling myself I barely know him and I should not allow him this much headspace..

How does one even learn how not to let the imagination go too fast when you are really attracted to someone?

pringlecat · 20/11/2016 16:46

tooyoungtobeamrs Ah, ghosting. That old chestnut.

If he doesn't like you enough to stay vaguely in touch when away, he's not that into you. Re-read the thread rules, particularly numbers six and seven...

tooyoungtobeamrs · 20/11/2016 16:49

pringle yes you are right. Not that into me!

I think I need to grow a thicker skin to handle this whole dating thing!!

pringlecat · 20/11/2016 17:23

tooyoungtobeamrs I'm still working on growing a thicker skin too... It's easier said than done!

Lilacpink40 · 20/11/2016 18:07

Hi all, the problem with growing too thick a skin may be that OLD then doesn't then feel worth it? There's got to be some emotional investment at some point to make it a relationship, and is it possible to not care early on and then it develops?

I'm not sure I'm getting a good balance as I feel down when I'm not getting replies to messages early on, but I can't switch that off. Like you said Pringle, dating takes investment of time and effort, then it's hard when it doesn't get anywhere.

Then I get a message and think I'm not sure about compatibility anyhow. Can't win most of the time. I've started to think the line of "kiss 100 frogs to find a prince" may be true.