Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

[Lilacpink40]

Thred 3!

Hi Chirstmascake1 My situation isn't court ordered and involving dv. However I'm pretty sure there are at least a couple of regular posters on here who could advise you on this.

Dusters I may break from the norm here but I really think being single is a good thing - especially if you don't feel lonely.

IMO it is re-build time. Re-adjust, put the children first and re-evaluate what it is that your really want to make you happy in life.

I honestly can't think of anything worse for my DCs right now than throwing another person/issues/family into the mix.

This is me time. And I bloody deserve it after the hell I have been through with WNs. And I want to be absolutely sure that I get into the next relationship for all the right reasons.

A bit of a flirt, nice male company to restore your faith in men etc all good. But that's it for me now!

I remember feeling fearful before that I would never meet anyone else, but life isn't like that! You always do! Look at my gorgeous man last week! They pop up when you least expect them and I think make the most of rebuilding yourself and your boundaries until then.

And by the way, your new potential man sounds lovely! Go for it, a drink here and there and a chat with a friend who makes your tummy flip- fabulous!!

Thanks dusters and dung I'm an over-invester and 'fixer' so it is good for me to walk away from a potentially stressful relationship. I wish I could be happy alone but having dated 3 men now I know I want companionship. I'd rather be alone stuck on glacier, however, than be with my WN or a man like that. Thinking that makes it better.

Dusters I'm routing for you and Mr H-J. The stories about normal men give me hope.

Crystal good luck at court if I were you I'd be tempted to develop some twinges and have breaks if you need time to rest and think

He has informal contact at the moment but he is going to be moving away from family soon and I'm worried about increase in our communication / not having third party. I think I have been to lenient on contact considering everything that has gone on. And he will ask for more but I don't trust him.

Christmas what was pd in your last post?
Why would he want more contact if away?

Thanks so much Purple I needed to hear that. I feel some of my friends think I'm a bit because I'm not actively looking to replace my ex. But I don't want that for my dc just now - not judging others, just how I feel at this moment in time.

Like you, if I meet someone I want to be with them purely because of how I feel about them. Don't want to rescue or be rescued. Not looking for a replacement father for my dc. No need for someone to take care of me - just to care about me. Drinks, chats and tummy flips - sounds ideal!

I'd rather be alone stuck on a glacier that made me smile Lilac. You sound like you're well into your stride with dating. You know want you want and don't want, just a matter of time. And don't forget, you did get a fried egg on toast in a pop-up cafe, not many people can make that claim

Personality disorder

I'm hoping not, but he might ask for o/n and he is unpredictable.

Sorry the date went badly Lilac but at least its good to find out early that's he's a man-child, before you had invested too much time or emotion in him.

My ex had all the awful childhood stories too, according to him he was sent to boarding school in Kenya at age 7 where he was treated badly, had all kinds of scary things happen with robbers and suchlike. Turned out he and his parents returned to Finland from Kenya when he was 3 years old. These twats lie about every aspect of their lives, its like its a compulsion for them. He would also do the whole "You're breaking up the family" line, more aggressive than tantrummy, and tell me I was terrible for 'abandoning him when he's so ill'

It was father's day yesterday, DD refused to say happy father's day to him on the phone. Lately she's not been wanting to talk to him much but wants me to talk to him which gets frustrating.

LILAC 💐💐💐💐💐💐so sorry about your date. I'm impressed you spotted his ways so soon and have got out! Especially as you say, you're lonely and want company. It could be so easy to ignore /not see the signs.

I'm lonely too.but Like DUSTERS said I want to be with them purely because of how I feel about them. Don't want to rescue or be rescued. Not looking for a replacement father for my dc. No need for someone to take care of me - just to care about me. Drinks, chats and tummy flips - sounds ideal!
I'm totally useless at reading /seeing/listening the the (warning) signs/signals, in relationships and friendships. So I'm reading with interest here and learning loads.

Best of luck today chrystal

mine was very passive aggressive and just awful to be around - a really horrible black cloud that just hung over the room he was in.
He was sly though. Very sly. He just played the victim everywhere he went - I thought his mother was an awful manipulative two-faced bully from what he told me, his boss vile and abusing, his sister a weirdo etc. Of course he was telling them the same about me. Always the innocent party. And oh so quick at turning on the victim tears if things weren't going his way

Same story here. I mean, identical. It's made my blood run a bit cold. He did all of that, would escalate to physical violence if he felt he was really losing control, but those were his exact tactics up to that point. I only started to uncover the depth and extent of the lies after I left and even though I already knew he was a very skilled liar, the sheer manipulativeness and...badness...in them knocked me for six all over again.

lilac I'm so sorry, but also impressed. How did you spot the signs, was it in your face or just a feeling? How are you feeling today?

dusters am on tenterhooks waiting to see what happens with HJM.

Morning all. Am on tenterhooks too Greencar ! Unexpectedly not working today, seemed like a good omen for HJM. Then.... kids came home from ex's, ds had an upset tummy and smelt like a cabbage, dd was teary cause she ached so much. So......both at home, now on the sofa watching a DVD. Also, my landline isn't working properly, just rings once! So, when it does I'm rushing like a loony to answer it just in case it's you know who ?! Kids have no idea

Will keep you posted.....

Lilac - sorry it didn't work out but better now than a few years down the line back at square one again

Crystal - good luck for today

I'll be absent for a lot of this week.

to you all

Hi Frog was wondering how you were. Hope you have a good week.

Hope your week goes ok frog

I'm far too excited about Mr. HJM dusters!

Natsku I just nipped to the shops and his car was parked at the end of my road. He was sweeping up outside his house ! Tidy ! Can you guess that I might be too, hence my user name ?! I feel a responsibility now to the thread for an exciting update Apologies if there isn't one today. But now I know he's not at work perhaps he'll be round.

Sorry you're having to speak to your ex more because your dd doesn't want to. I remember you saying she wanted to make a Father's Day card for your dh, not ex.

HJM just phoned - coming round in 15 minutes !! Aaahhh ..........

OOOOOO!!!!! Can't wait for an update!

She did make one for her dad eventually, need to post it to him. At least I hope its for her dad, its in an envelope so haven't seen what's written inside it.

he's been. He was very nice, we had a chat about the work to be done, and he's coming at the end of the week. It's something he can do when I'm not here, but he asked if I would be. I told him when I'd be around, so hopefully he'll be here when I am . I'm due to be seeing a friend on one of the days he might come, so that may have to be (cough, cough) rearranged. So, there we go.... next installment at the end of the week !!

Still reading here but in hell.

Ex emailed one hour before pick up time last Saturday to say his car had broken down and he won't be able to pick dc up for another week. Telling him I hoped he was going to help with money due to another unexpected last minute change elicited a response simply telling me to stop emailing him.
Today I learn that he's told his nursery Tuesday last week that our dc likely wouldn't be attending this week.
Meanwhile he's lied to the cms, saying he has our dc 3 nights a week (he would if he could stick to the damn court order).

Great news dusters. He sounds keen to me!!

Hope you're ok frog

Sorry to hear that Stripey. Apart from just following the script of being a WN do you know what's behind it? It sounds planned. If his car had only just broken down how does he know it will be out of action for a week. Likewise the advance notice given to the Nursery ? And why is he lying to the cm, what does he have to gain?

He has no idea I like him Purple. He seems quite proper, may just have been asking out of politeness/professionalism if I'd be here. I doubt he even knows I'm single, and he doesn't know that I know he is! So, come little spider into my web.....

Dusters so excited for you. Even though weather is a bit chilly you'll probably feel warm enough for some impressive / fitted/ attractive things to fall out of the wardrobe that day?

Thanks for well wishes and the signs were there, and for a change I faced them rather than assume it was just me. Included saying horrible comments on young female colleague, using words harsly like "what would a young girl know", some very cruel comments about exW and showing doubts about our relationship after 3 dates! and waiting for me to reassure him I want to have fun and companionship. He has DCs, financially secure with stable job and then... psychologically insecure!

Wow Lilac what a peach ? It's amazing how much a person can give away about themselves without meaning to. If you told him about any of those things, apart from the doubting your relationship, he'd probably wonder what they had to do with you? It's great that you spotted them and saw his real nature.

Yes, wardrobe wise "smart but casual" ! "Oh, this little black ball gown? I always wear it to do my housework"