Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

[Lilacpink40]

Thred 3!

Not having to live in a shit heap as SF would leave constant trails of crap everywhere.
Not being sulked at for going out to see family.
Not being sulked at for spending money, usually on DC.
Not having to hear constant sound effects from computer games he played 24/7.
Finally getting a sex life back after 7years without (he disgusted me so I refused to let him near me).
Knowing without a doubt DP would move heaven and earth to be at the birth of our baby (SF missed DS4's traumatic emcs because he couldn't be arsed to answer phone).
Not being made to feel guilty for asking for help.
To be able to discuss/debate politics/news etc (SF is thick)

Ohhh...Not having to spend days trying to work out what I'd supposedly done wrong and what to do to stop the sulking silence and hostility. And then never finding out what it was when he decided to grace me with interaction again.

And YY to not getting those horrible looks.

I like this game

A 12 pack of toilet roll lasts more than a week - good god, WN could shit like no one I have ever met!

Not having that sinking feeling when he started to spout utter rubbish - he was so stupid it was painful (very pretty though!)

On a more serious note, I now know my DC like never before.. he was the SAHP as I worked and so I would have to leave before they were up in the morning and have so little time of an evening. I am now there for them every morning, all events, every bathtime, bedtime and time in between. And whilst it is exhausting - it is wonderful and I truly know & understand my two more than I would ever have done if he'd stayed. Such a blessing!

2012 what a completely arrogant shit. How dare he ask/tell you to co-operate and co-parent when he's bogging off to another country. Could you set your stall out now, so to speak. Tell him that you'll need as much warning as possible of his return visits. He's already causing a huge upset in your ds's life, he can't come back at a moments notice and expect your ds (and you) to drop everything to accommodate him. He should also tell your ds that he's going. But you should be there, as he'll probably spin him a load of crap about you pushing him away. Sorry it's such a horrible situation for you and your son.

Thanks for all the kind words about my friend, will be texting her in a bit but she may be at the school play. Her list of things she won't miss about her ex would reach round the M25 !!

Being able to go see friends

Being able to invite people to the house without begging and pleading first and hoping I'd be allowed

Being able to have my mum come inside after she's flown all the way here to visit me after I gave birth (WN made her stay in a hostel and got angry I let her come inside for 5 minutes to get her something)

Not living in a shit heap any more

Having some spare money because its not all spent every month on his weed/booze

Not being in on-going debt with the rent and bills all the time because of the aforementioned issue

Not having to tread on eggshells around him

Not having to be silent and keep DD silent most of the day because he was sleeping

Not having to worry that anything I say could be misconstrued as an insult

Not having to listen to his rantings about demonic neighbours and hospital conspiracies and how only certain music is "acceptable" as music (I especially love that I can play whatever music I want now - I put on a lot of cheesy pop these days to make up for the lack of it before), that music mostly being minimalist music which frankly sounds quite shit

Great idea! Feel pretty good after listing those!

Great idea green

Not having to climb over piles of filthy clothes stashed everywhere.

Not having to do all the cooking, shopping, cleaning, financial management (WN incapable) to such an unappreciative bastard.

Not having to tread on eggshells in a odd and unsettling atmosphere with a passive aggressive psycho.

Not having to discover lie after lie and debt after debt and be expected to be the person to dig us out of it.

Not having every comment twisted back by someone who couldn't take responsibility for anything.

Not feeling uncomfortable around in-laws that to my face told me how much they liked me but behind the scenes caused no end of serious problems for me and my children.

Not having to sleep on the sofa because sharing a bed with WN (who would always be staring at me whenever I woke up no matter the time of night) was the most unsettling experience of my life.

Not having to explain/beg/justify/repeat a million times how I felt with zero acknowledgement.

Not having to endure a weird sex life where there was zero giving on his part and I was expected to do everything including satisfy myself.

Not having to share a marriage with an immature twat and his mother who had more idea what was going on in my marriage than I did.

Not having to dread coming home.

Not having to feel physically sick when in the same room as him

Not having to beg for a holiday or day trip or 'family time' anymore.

Not having to watch a snot covered WN crying & screaming rolling around the floor like a 5 year old saying he couldn't live without me (whilst trying to stop him from waking up the entire household) because I have discovered yet another pile of lies and deceit.

Jesus. I feel like I could go on all night!!!

Hi,

I've been 'co parenting' with my abusive, malignant narcissist for almost two years. He ignores all court orders, has disappeared with dd for weeks (the police are constantly having to do welfare checks when she's with him as he just disappears without saying anything). Ugh, really despise that man. I don't know why I still keep trying to be reasonable with him.

Not having to rehearse what I wanted to say to w/n in my head 1000
Different ways trying to come up With one that they wouldn't take offence to

Not having to clear up after X . Messy, untidy sod. Who would then have the
Audacity to complain forever That they Couldn't find stuff, because I'd moved it, stolen it or thrown it away! When I'd never gone near it.

Not dreading the front door opening and wondering what the heck would walk in.

Not cooking dinner to then have X not come home, not text no communication nothing...

Not having to justify any of my behaviour to a fecking w/n.

Being able to do my own thing with Ds at weekends. No one making my life a miserable hell Complaining that I'm ganging up against them blah blah blah !

Welcome Kate. That is an odd part of my life too. My solicitor, counsellor and friends have all repeated endlessly to me that he won't change. I don't know why I still get disappointed when the next utterly predictable cascade of shit descends on us.

One friend told me it is because I am a decent human being and look for the best in people - but you would think I had learnt with that tosser by now

Thanks purple. I know he won't change, I think I desperately hope it for our dd but there's always some shit he unleashes.

Thanks for all your support with w/n last email!

I'm not going to say anything to X about anything. I've found that this has the least bad reaction as there is nothing to react to iyswim?

I seriously doubt they'll come back every fortnight at all, as they wont have the money &/or won't want to spend that kind of money doing that.
X has nowhere to stay here so I don't know where they thought of taking ds?

It's all lies and bollocks... It's that bit that gets my blood boiling.
I wish X would just say it how it is and stop the utter utter utter crap that comes out of their mouth.

No one believes it. I certainly don't and the good thing now is that my family are slowly (& I say slowly) starting to see it & kind of understand a bit . I showed email to my parents who were soooooo shocked and my poor dad just wants to go ballistic. They do keep trying to come up with ways to confront X that they think "might help"! But it's a small step in the right/ish direction.

Hi kate. So sorry you are here with us. But some great support & advice and general hand holding

Not wondering when he will come back every time he leaves the house (used to disappear for days on end with his phone off).

Not sleeping downstairs with DS (when he was a newborn) so he didn't wake him up.

Not having to beg for money to pay the bills

Not being bullied every day

Not worrying about him smashing my things up

Not worrying that the neighbours are going to call the police and then he will really kick off

Not worrying about drug dealers turning up on the doorstep

Not worrying about him cheating

Not having to drive him to and from work at 6am with a newborn so he will actually go to work

Not worrying about when he will get pissed off and quit his job because he won't be told what to do

Not being accused of things

Not thinking I'm going mad because I keep misplacing things (he would move them then deny it)

Not worrying every time I leave the house wondering if he will be there when I get back

Not having to drag myself and DS out at stupid hours in the morning because he wants a lift home

Not driving him everywhere

Not being shouted at for not keeping the house absolutely immaculate

Not being physically assaulted

Not being bullied into having sex, and feeling scared to say no (giving in because otherwise he will sulk, argue) - still having issues with this one. Think I have downplayed how serious this actually is.

Not having to ask him to play with his DS for 5 minutes so I could have a cigarette/5 mins peace/make his tea when he got home from work.

Not having to make all his meals every day for him

Not having to clean after him

Not having to fund his drug habit

Not being told who I can and can't be friends with

Not being bullied for my appearance

Not being told I'm fat a few days after giving birth

Not being made fun off for struggling with anxiety (called a freak, a weirdo, no one would want you, you're lucky to have me etc)

Not being told he will take my son (saying this, that still happens)

Not constantly wondering who he's texting etc

Sure there's more that I don't care to think of right now.

By the way Kate I like the term 'malignant narcissist'

my mum doesn't swear so he's been known as that with my family for years lol

OhB - that's quite a list a zillion very un mums Net HUG to you all x

2012 tell me about it. Makes me ever the more thankful for my DP now. And more determined not to let him get to me!

Night everyone

ARgh. Ex wants to have the children next weekend and I have said they are free Sunday morning only as we have plans and I do t want to disrupt. So he is "suggesting" we change our plans or he will have them the following weekend instead.

The "suggestion" is obviously written in his normal (empty) threatening manner but it still scares me. I didn't reply as I won't be changing plans and we are off on hols the weekend after.

I do not want them to stay with him weekend as I can't trust him to return them and I can't take an unexpected day off again this month to pick them up. Plus children don't actually want to go after he refused to drop them last time.

He hasn't called them since then to see if they are ok. He still doesn't pay proper maintenance and has gone to CMS asking for a reduction in their calculations as he reckons he sees them more than 52 days per year. CMS rejected this as his dates only added up to 49 days and so I'm fairly sure he wants to squeeze in one more visit purely so he can go back to CMS.

So I have replied today and said I already told you they are free on the Sunday morning. Why does it scare me so much? I have sweaty hands and my heart is racing waiting for the onslaught that will come.

Yesterday I was worrying I am being unreasonable And denying him access but the children don't want to go -- they refuse to speak to him on the phone at times and I usually gently persuade them but I'm not doing that any more either now.

How can he keep me scared two years after I left him. And over something so minor as well.

I hope you guys are ok. I really wish he was gone and would leave us alone now. He bullies me when he lives 2h away and I don't know how an ex can still affect me.

Name I think the part of you that can still feel bullied is the nice, normal part that we all retain, despite the behaviour of these WNs. In the face of it all a little part of us still wants them to be able to change. We still hope for a good relationship between them and our dc. We also don't want their nastiness to rub off on us. I think it's this softness that causes the fear and worry.

Once this has gone there's just a cold, hard acceptance of what the situation has become. I'm not quite there yet, but I feel pretty cold towards twat. I certainly don't doubt myself anymore as regards what's best for the dc. I retain my good memories of our time together, but then switch off and view him as a different person. Not saying he can't get to me sometimes, he can. But it's over fairly soon and I feel in control. You're definitely doing the right thing with your dc and weekends.

I totally hear you Name - it is just so hard and I'm four years down the line and I still get that feeling. Not as strong as it once was but it's still there - I guess it really is one of those 'give it time' things? You do sound stronger than when you first posted though - and standing your ground seems scary but is totally the right thing to do!

Mine also has no contact between contact, if that makes sense, and I just don't get it. The whole dedicated parent is such a facade when it comes to the crunch and one day your DC will recognise that. They know it themselves really - my DS said to me yesterday "Daddy wants to keep us (WN words I guess) but he doesn't want to look after us, does he" and he is only 4.

Hope everyone is having a good Thursday - almost the weekend

So I told him again they are free on the Sunday morning as I had previously stated, and he replied by saying 'So you would rather spend some more money through the courts. Ok. Better get your overtime in.'

It's just about money and control isn't it? None of this is about what is best for the children, or even about him wanting to actually see the children. It's all his power games again.

In the face of it all a little part of us still wants them to be able to change. We still hope for a good relationship between them and our dc

Yes this is very true, I continue to give him the benefit of the doubt and was even feeling bad for him hardly ever seeing the children. I was beginning to brush away how much he let them down last week - normalising it as he likes to do by moving on to the next battle.

my DS said to me yesterday "Daddy wants to keep us (WN words I guess) but he doesn't want to look after us, does he" and he is only 4

It's great he is so self-aware, but also so sad to hear that he already knows that.
I also have a 4 year old, they are amazing in every single way

Interview is done, took hours! And I did a Daily Mail Sad Face - I hope you are all proud of me! I actually said "should I do a Daily Mail Sad Face now?" and they cracked up. Apparently there's a Daily Mail Pose too if you're standing. Now all those sad faces make sense, you really do have to do them, and takes forever too. But they were really nice and should be a good article, look out for it in a week or two. DD made them take photos of just herself pretending to be a cat

Nat - your DD is absolutely ace

She was driving me nuts for the last hour or so though, though was pretty naughty the whole time, showing off probably. There were several visits to the naughty step! She had on a smashing hat though, I hope a picture with the hat makes it into the article