Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

[Lilacpink40]

Thred 3!

they all think they're so special, yet they're all so remarkably similar

That is so true. They are a cliche within a cliche.

Love the thought of DM interviewing my ex and then he's chased by bears with prawn cocktails sewed into his Grisly Adams suit It would be such a DM story too, bet he'd do a great sad face!

WNs all think their special but they are so the same, bet they'd fight if they were in the same room together, over who was the most special.

"meeee, it's meeee"

"no it's meeeee"

"you're all wrong, everyone is wrong except meeeee"

"no you must all look at meeeeeeeeeeee"

Interspersed with identikit stories about the awful women who've run off with their DC for absolutely no reason whatsoever because they were just wonderful and they can't understand why they would do such a thing to poor little them

Just checking in. I seem to have missed a whole lot of stuff having been dealing with my own issues in RL. Gosh, it's draining to you all.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who wishes them dead, honestly if he could just die we could all sit around saying how nice he was and then forget all about him. I did once scrap him off the side of the road and take him to A&E with a burst appendix, I know it was the right thing to do but well there are days I wish I'd left him there

Hello everyone! It's been a v interesting week for me. After WN would not return the children last week etc etc he is now demanding to see them on the weekend of the 16th. I have refused to change our plans for this weekend, which the DDs are aware of and looking forward to. He text me demanding that we change our plans, but I am just not going to engage. He called yesterday (once a week, usually), and both DD1 and DD2 refused to speak to him, so he chatted with 4yo DD3 for a bit and that was it. He didn't ask for the others or anything.

So I feel a little bit more at ease as he will leave us alone for a few days now. Until next time, anyway.

StopLaughing welcome, I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through, your ex sounds completely heartless. He would fit in well with the other 'special' men on this board. It sounds a bit outlandish but could you ask a school mum to have them for a few days? Perhaps if they knew what you are going through? Are there any extended family members who could help?

dusters how did it go regarding the little boy and his dad wielding the knife at him, did you manage to report it? I can't stop thinking about him, these poor children with their childhoods being destroyed by these bloody evil man-children.

froginapan good luck with court stuff, it is hard work and quite terrifying, I have a hearing in Jan and one in Feb, trying not to think about them for now. I hope you are managing ok.

nat I am with you on this: I dread the though of getting through the teenage years if ex is still involved then. He'll really not like DD as she won't want to spend time with him in the middle of nowhere and will have her own opinions about things. I predict a lot of arguments I feel like I am heading that way with my 9 year old already, she is adamant she does not want to go with him next time he sees them, even though she has a great time with her cousins he takes her to see his bitch of a sister basically every single time I guess once children get past being cute and idolising their parents and actually turn into real human beings, their allure wears off for the WN, as his control will start to wane? Ugh, makes me feel sick to see how we are all just extras in his perfect life, consisting of one screwed up lonely man.

Purple I am keeping everything crossed for your plan

FormidableMrsC you are somewhat of a legend in my eyes, I followed some of your other threads and you are certainly a woman in charge! I hope all is well for you.

piss don't blame you for wishing you'd left him for dead with the burst appendix! I thought my ex was dead when he did his two weeks in the forest disappearing act. I even called the police and asked them to check his house for his bloated corpse but they refused (seems they're not big on welfare checks here) so I was forced to call ex-FIL who I've never forgiven for past actions, and never will, to beg him to go check WN's house. I was scared at the time that he was dead and I'd have to explain to DD but now I think that would have been so much easier for everyone.

Hello namechanger glad you're not going to change your plans for your WN. Does sound like your 9 year old is starting to see him for who he really is instead of adored daddy.

Also been cleaning for tomorrow and have realised my lovely kitchen floor isn't looking so lovely any more :( It really needs another coat of paint, and there's still areas that don't have proper flooring (and a bit of hole next to the fridge). Not so sure I want it pictured tomorrow

Hi all. Name I'm texting my friend today to see if she can pop down tonight, my dc will be with twat. I see her around a lot, and her ds, he's at our house every now and again. He does do a hobby with his dad occasionally, as far as I know he's happy to go. Depending on her reaction I will consider what to do next. Really glad to see you standing firm against your ex. It will of course all be your fault that the dc don't want to see him. Yeah yeah...................cliche alert.

Nats Can you do some strategically placed furniture/rugs in the kitchen? If not just glue your cat to the hole next to the fridge, it will look like it's waiting for milk.

MrsC I was reading a thread the other day and thought to myself this poster needs MrsC ! Can you get a kind of Bat phone type affair going, so that MNetters can contact you when we see some kick arse court action advise is required !!

Mrsc ** hope all is well for you.

WNs keeping everyone busy I see.

No updates here as of yet. Calm before the storm I fear. We shall see.

I had a messy weep at work today - all it took was a good friend to ask if I was ok and off I went. Thank you all so much for your kind thoughts and words - I have asked another friend who is going to take the children for a night either side of what WN has offered so it looks as though I can now get away. But I feel very guilty. However, as you said Green - this time is very precious and in my mums case is slipping away so very quickly.

I have been talking about how much easier my life would be if WN died today and I can see it's been a topic of much discussion on here . I am liking the bear attack - at least he would finally have a use by providing nutrition to a bear and their family. It really would be easier without them though - wouldn't it? I feel quite jealous of those whose fuckwits have just swanned off at times but then I think - their poor DC and the jealousy vanishes. It is just such a hard thing whatever situation and I just wish I'd chosen better for my DC - but then, they wouldn't be who they are either so Aaaaaaaaargggghhhh!

I love the idea of super-glueing your cat to the floor to cover the hole Nat. If they're anything like my cat, they would love that.

Hope everyone does manage a calm day today

Super-glueing the cat to the kitchen floor would also stop it trying to bite me/scratch me throughout the interview (does it for attention, I'm sure...bastard cat)

I'm glad you've managed to sort things so you can go see your mum StopLaughing

Hope your friend reacts well dusters and realises its time to take steps to get away from him

It's good we all still have our sense of humours if nothing else

Cats are bastards - that's their aim in lives. Mine is obsessed with the padding of his claws and paws (we call it making puddings) so no matter how loving he is being, your chest or arm or face is being ripped to shreds. I've heard it's because they associate you with their mum who they used to paddle to get the milk flowing - so it is love but my god, I am covered in scratches. Lucky I love him back really!

Mine loves to groom me so she constantly licks me if I'm in reach, and does those little nibble bites they do to themselves when grooming to me, then gets confused and goes in for the proper bite, then back to licking again. She's not too bright

Stoplaughing...welcome and I'm so sorry you have this to deal with too. Your line about him having a hold/control really hit home with me too, particularly where you say it never ends. My ex has a hold on me too. It's awful. I'm always waiting for some repercussion. Something. I feel like o can't live. We are not together yet I feel restricted. I feel weak that I cannot stand up to him. I dread 'happy events' due to what he might say/want. I haven't been away with DC As I'm scared of what he'll say. He wants DC overnight and o know DC won't cope. He'll take me to court if I don't comply and he'll get what he wants.

Piss... I'm sorry too. Sending hugs xxxx

Great news StopLaughing about your friend. Easy for me to say but try not to feel guilty - about any of it. I bet your friend is only too pleased to help. Your dc get a double sleepover and hopefully spoiled rotten. Mainly of course you get to see your mum and dad. Way down the list - but worth a mention - your WN gets to see he didn't spoil your plans. Next time you get the chance, spoil his as royally as you can

Homely What is it about your WN that makes you think he'll always get what he wants? You are equally the parent, the resident parent if I remember correctly, and have more influence than him over your dc. Is he all hot air and bluster? How often do you speak/have contact with him, can you reduce it at all?

On the subject of the demise of the WN. Someone very close to me was standing at the hospital bed of her partner (now ex) who'd tried to hang himself in front of her and their young child. It was all drama, don't know if he would have gone through with it. The police were there, he'd been violent before etc. The nurse turned to her and said " I bet you wish you'd left him there now, don't you" !!! Pretty shocking thing to say, but she'd obviously seen it all before.

Afternoon everyone - i keep reading and wanting to post, get side tracked and then i loose track -
things are fairly calm here too (calm before the storm too I presume).
Not sure if i said before, but my GP has given me meds to help with the high levels of stress at the moment. its good actually, as i do feel they are taking the edge off things.
so I replied to w/nX to ask them to let me know the date they are going to leave/move and that is it ! no reply yet, but I suspect there will be quite a few bleeding heart and attacking ones at some point !
how is the OLD going for those of you trying it out??????

just rec'd email - X is leaving mid-january.
fuch-fuch-fuck- it's real ! what I am going to do?
Poor DS ! email from full of self pity and the me-me-meeeee-meee.
X went on and on about how I NEED TO COOPERATE and let them co-parent with them. WTF !!!!!! that X Will come back once or twice a month and expects to see DS ! ! ! ! ! the cost of this from where they are going to is sooooo high it's more than rent and child maintenance here !
Plus X says that they don't know if they'll be able to pay child maintenance at the beginning - until they "get back on their feet financially...."
omg. X is mad and I'm so furious right now...

Hi all, missed a lot so wont catch up with everything but sorry to hear latest WN stress.

Green I was nodding away with "his rages are so familiar that even when it's just words on a screen I can see and hear him behind them as clearly as if he's right there". It goes back to the 'feeling' that they can still unfortunately provoke from afar. I'm hoping over time that lessens, but I don't know how much time.

Name I really think you need to cry, have friends' support and travel to see your family. WN is the only weird one not understanding this. It's his empathy void at fault.

My solicitor said it was a shame for me ex hadn't died. She said it after she had heard lots of details and I don't think she meant to say it as usually has detached and professional stance, but I guess everyone has opinions and it's good to hear support.

2012 I think he should tell your DS, not you. This isn't your doing and you're in shock too. He's a twat, do you think he'll really come back or could this be a good break (permanent)? Sorry for stress though

Dusters hope your friend listens and can be honest about how bad things have become at home.

Nice... it's just the hold he has over me. It's alt weekend contact interspersed with solicitors letters. He's a shit... days something then denies it happens.

2012... another phrase that's sticks with me 'calm before the storm'. He's kidding himself if he thinks he'll come back 1-2 per month .... think he's making himself feel better

Homely - it is such a horrible feeling isn't it? It's not that he controls what I do as such it's just that when I see a message from him, my heart starts pounding. I put off asking him for any kind of favour and try to organise around him but if it's got to involve him, I feel sick and anxious and awful for ages beforehand.

This weekend's events have made me feel horrible all week and he is so unpredictable. I mentioned up thread that he'd offered to take DC early so I could go to a work event and so braced myself and asked him about it (via text) today and got 'Yeah, that's fine'.. like Sunday never happened.

I hate this and just want to never have to see or speak to him again - but obviously that can't happen.

2012 - he sounds so fucking entitled! His choice to move and yet for some reason, you will also have to change you and DS's life to ensure he gets what he wants. What a complete and utter WN!

Dusters - I also hope your friend is able to take a step back and see some light. It is awful when you're in the throes of it and my WN actually left me so I probably am not too qualified to say it but I hope of a friend told me something like the knife incident, it would have made me reassess everything. Good luck to her and you

I'm here, nodding along as usual. That feeling of never being free. Been quite an eventful couple of days, I have the right support in place, I hope, but it's still overwhelming and I have a weight in my chest.

I never thought my life would turn out like this.

Shall we try doing something positive? For those of us that have got away we can list the little things that are great about not having to live with them, and for those joining or just reading along who haven't got out yet, think about what those things could be.

I'll start

Not having to make sure the washing up is done no matter what else might need doing including with DC because he'll get angry

Not having to feel sick and ask carefully if I get a (rare!) social invitation (ok so I don't have childcare to go these days but at least that sick feeling is gone)

Not having to oblige his 'desires' or go into long explanations to get out of it

Not being scared when the door goes each evening not knowing what mood he's going to be in

Being able to use the tv remote

Right, enough from me!

Green good idea.

Mine are... not having to tell anyone what I've done with my free time, including listing housework to show my worth ...and being in control of what happens when I'm intimate with person I'm seeing...and not having to second-guess horrible stares as everyone else acts like they're equal not above me.