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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

993 replies

Lilacpink40 · 09/11/2016 18:57

Thred 3! Grin

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nicenewdusters · 06/12/2016 16:31

Nats I've got newspaper envy !! I was in the local paper about 100 years ago when our Brownie pack had a fete in the village hall. I had a letter published in The Observer once. That's it. You can be my famous friend.

Lilacpink40 · 06/12/2016 16:54

Hi Stoplaughing your line about your WN still has such a hold on me and what I can do with my life stood out to me. I think that many WN know that they have an unbreakable link through DCs and selfishly exploit it for their twisted games. My WN thinks I can't date as have DCs lots, in the background I'm getting on with my life (get down sometimes due to WN, but coming on here helps).

Dusters MrH-J reasons sound valid. The large smile on his face makes me think he was looking forward to seeing you. Body language sounds good in touching each other albeit briefly Grin I'd keep mast and guard at half way. I'm the same and I'm now in 'seeing someone' territory.

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Natsku · 06/12/2016 17:02

Haha dusters I was in a small local Finnish newspaper when I was 9 years old as well - they had a picture of me with some school books saying that I enjoyed to read my older brother's Finnish school books. Little did they know that I was only looking at the pictures! Grin Dead famous, me.

Oooo fingers briefly touching... did you feel the sparks fly? Grin

StopLaughingDrRoss · 06/12/2016 17:36

Thank you for your kind words, Lilac and Dusters - I know that I'll get there and I normally do the whole fake it while you make it... it's just depressing how he still has that power. It's weaker than it used to be and I don't like I used to. You're also right about not making him even Plan B but I have no family locally and my friends have their own shit to deal with. One friend would probably step up - it's just so hard when you're on your own.

But I will pull my big girl pants back up and all will be right with the world again soon. I just hate the effect on my DC.. no one deserves what some of these WN inflict on their own little ones!

I also think the signs look promising for HJM although I'd be a bit wary about him not calling... but then again, he could be completely different with a love interest! You should bite the bullet and find out Smile

nicenewdusters · 06/12/2016 17:43

It is hard when you're on your own with little alternative child care Stoplaughing. I have some great friends I swap/share child care with, but we're all conscious of rationing ourselves and our requests.

Don't know if I'd say sparks flew Nats He was wearing gloves (just to clarify, he's not Spiderman or anything weird like that!) and we did that thing where you quickly move your hand away. It's very Victorian melodrama - this part is probably more fun than actually going out with him!! Wouldn't mind finding out though. Could you be my body double Stoplaughing and bite the bullet for me? Grin

Pisssssedofff · 06/12/2016 18:13

Soooo after the weekend from hell I am now in a weird position. Ex still has my 2 DDs 12 and 14. 12 year old point blank refuses to see me, walked away from me in the street today. He refuses to give me the address where they are staying.
He told the school and his solicitor I am being investigated by the police and SS. Have spent the day on the phone to both. I am not. He is apparently undecided as to whether I get to keep my 6 year old 😳
Said 6 year old has now basically said dad is an idiot, don't want to see him for contact any more, which of course will be my doing. What a merry fucking Christmas we are going to have !

Natsku · 06/12/2016 18:31

That is the best part dusters I miss it

Oh shit Piss so sorry this is going on like this, especially at Christmastime.

Lilacpink40 · 06/12/2016 18:37

Pisss sorry about this Flowers are any of his family normal and would help resolve it?

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Pisssssedofff · 06/12/2016 18:52

Oh god no, they will be encouraging this. I would love to be a fly on the wall though because the first call he will make in the morning will be to the Csa ... I've already contacted them to let them know he has the girls. He has to pay until he gets a court order. They may yet be back by the weekend !
If I fight him I'll win but the 12 year old will be a royal pain in the Arse, so I'm not. It sucks though. He is going the whole I'll let you know when you can have contact shite. Yeah yeah yeah whatever. They will be back when they realise what side their bread is buttered and if they don't then I guess they made the right choice

StopLaughingDrRoss · 06/12/2016 19:17

Oh Pissed - sounds awful! They will be back.. it's all new and exciting right now but when the reality kicks in, I hope!

Sad to hear his family are so dreadful as well - sounds like you're well rid to be honest! I hope it all resolves itself soon

Lilacpink40 · 06/12/2016 20:06

Pisss are you stopping visits with your 6 yr old to ex while this goes on?

What does your 6 yr old think - has ideas of why older two have changed?

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Pisssssedofff · 06/12/2016 20:18

I wasn't planning to stop anything but he doesn't want to go and given I don't know if I'd get him back I think I'd be nuts to.
DD2 (14) will be the one wanting to come back home pretty soon, she doesn't think much of him. DD3 will be a stubborn little nugget and may well cook her own goose and just have to stay with him. Trouble is they don't realise what they set in motion do they, can I keep claiming housing benefit? Is that going to make us homeless which affects the eldest's GCSE's it's a bloody nightmare

PurpleThursday · 06/12/2016 21:33

Hi stoplaughing welcome, and a hug from me. So sorry to hear of your situation with your DM. Like dusters I also couldn't believe he could treat you like that given the circumstances but also his MOTHER?! WTH? I mean, come on you old bitch, set an example to your son and grandchildren. How would she feel if she were seriously ill and you were blocking him seeing her. If it wasn't so disturbing and spiteful it would be funny. Really feel for you stoplaughing, I also really hope you can find someone else you can depend on to help you, it is so important you spend some time with your DPs at this time. Don't worry about calling in a favour with a friend if you can - it is an important time.

Dusters life taught you a little lesson there I believe re HJM! Of course you have to be wary, and there is no need at all to jump into a relationship, but he is a bloke!!! Likely to be a little unorganised and late sometimes, although on this occasion he seems to have had a very valid reason. Don't give up on him please, even as a male veggie friend and accomplice (if nothing else) there could be some great fun ahead and you deserve it.

Sounds like hell piss. Maybe the DCs will have shot themselves in the foot and realise pretty quickly where they should be. It's a bloody awful way to bring up children though isn't it - particularly fickle teenagers who can and will make issues out of nothing. Just impossible to parent appropriately with WNs.

nicenewdusters · 06/12/2016 21:48

Thank you Purple Flowers You're right, bit of a reality check for me, I will persevere. How are things with you?

Pissedoff Your situation sounds very complicated. Has it been spiraling towards this for a while, you've posted here previously haven't you?

PurpleThursday · 06/12/2016 22:21

Not great dusters thanks for asking. I may have a plan re Xmas hols though... will keep you posted. Wink

greencarbluecar · 06/12/2016 22:31

Welcome stoplaughing and another big hug from me. I don't know if it helps you to hear similar stories, but in case it does my WN has used serious family illness as a tool to hurt me with, and his mother sounds similar to your WN. So I've had a glimpse of the unbelievable cruelty involved, and I wish I knew you so I could look after your DC for you. Please don't be afraid to call in any and all favours you can, this is a big big thing and the unfairness of not being able to do what you need to is huge. If it came to it, now your DC are aware anyway due to the shouting in their earshot, could you take them with you.

piss that sounds truly awful. I wouldn't be sending your youngest either.

Nat you're like our own celebrity! I've, erm...I've been on the radio, does that count? That floor, you have to get your lovely floor in the photo.

dusters I love the hand touching moment! Very Victorian romance, right down to the gloves. Flags half up sounds a fair balance for now, but I agree he could be good fun for you even if only as a friend. (But get that smudge on your face woman!)

Your bald men and comb scenario did make me smile. I've always thought they'd hate each other if they met! I quite like the image of the both going meeeee while I just quietly walk away into the sunset. I'm being accused of everything under the sun at the moment which has been rather upsetting. All about control of course. Quite exhausted with it all tonight.

Natsku · 06/12/2016 22:31

Really missing the UK right now. Do you think it'd be cheeky to ask the DM people to bring some prawn cocktail crisps with them? Grin

I dread the though of getting through the teenage years if ex is still involved then. He'll really not like DD as she won't want to spend time with him in the middle of nowhere and will have her own opinions about things. I predict a lot of arguments. Honestly wish he'd lose interest or get hit by a train or eaten by a bear or something.

greencarbluecar · 06/12/2016 22:32

purple Xmas plan sounds promising. Hope you're ok.

greencarbluecar · 06/12/2016 22:34

Nat eaten by a bear Grin I'd like to imagine mine would go on one of those one way missions to Mars or something.

Natsku · 06/12/2016 22:42

Ah one way mission to Mars would be ace. My ex lives in the middle of a giant forest - eaten by a bear is a possibility, especially considering his liking for wilderness trips without a phone. I might suggest the forest near me, its full of bears and lots of scary ghost stories about it.

Froginapan · 06/12/2016 22:53

Hi lovely Narcaway cleaning product stakeholders.

I'm still around but only briefly popping in. I am sorry I'm not contributing to the solidarity - 2 weeks until court, a shit load of work to do because of the ridiculous time of a statement last filed by ex.

I am with you in spirit, and again apologies for not participating.

I did just see a reference to a one way mission to mars - the ex always said he would be interested: anyone got a background in sales/PR/advertising to convince him 😜

nicenewdusters · 06/12/2016 23:00

Love a plan, so holding out hope for yours Purple

Nats I love the way you write, you really make me laugh. I can just imagine what you mean about DD's relationship with her dad when she's a teen. You said he'd spent a couple of weeks in the woods before. Could you persuade the DM to do an interview with him there? I'm thinking "Lonely father driven to forest existence" If you sew the prawn cocktail crisps into his Grisly Adams fur suit perhaps a hungry bear will chase him.

Greencar How does your ex WN contact you to hassle you? Is it the usuals, eg phone, text, email, face-to-face? Seems so unfair you have to be bombarded with all their crap.

Ds said to me tonight that ex says to him and his sister "You'll have to speak to your mother...... ask your mother" He said "mother" in a silly, pompous voice and was laughing. I laughed along with him. Then he said at least he doesn't call you XXXX anymore (the horrible nickname). He's really getting the measure of him.

Twat is going to his xmas play this week, I'm going the next day. Two tickets per family, very strict, always been the way, health and safety etc. Dd comes downstairs and says dad says she can go with him (she can't) she can sit on his lap. I said you can't, the numbers are for safety, what if half the hall took an extra child on their lap. Cue eye roll and sighing, and a call to dad to say she couldn't come. So typical of him to think the rules don't apply to him. No doubt his parents will be saying isn't Dusters awful stopping DD going with him. Good. Crack on. Xmas Wink

nicenewdusters · 06/12/2016 23:07

x-posted with you Nats re bears/woods !

Hi Frog really good to "see" you. I always think of you when I hear a Queen song now. Sounds like you've got another busy couple of weeks ahead of you. I so hope the outcome is better this time around.

greencarbluecar · 06/12/2016 23:15

Prawn cocktail crisps as bear bait Grin Grin Grin don't miss the UK Nat you have bears! WN chasing bears!!

frog hello!! Have been thinking of you. Don't apologise! Good luck with all things court related, sorry WN has as ever made things difficult for you.

dusters yes the usual, and bombarded is the right word. It's not even logical, I fell into the trap of trying to reason with the unreasonable as well. Silly me, will I never learn...not sure I'll get much sleep tonight. His rages are so familiar that even when it's just words on a screen I can see and hear him behind them as clearly as if he's right there. Not my favourite mental image Sad

greencarbluecar · 06/12/2016 23:18

Posted too soon, grr. Was only going to say yes let them crack on, typical WN behaviour thinking the rules don't apply to them then making you be the 'bad guy'. I can imagine the tone of 'your mother' perfectly, WN does it too! They all think they're so special, yet they're all so remarkably similar Smile