Thanks for the link to that post Lilac. Harrowing reading, just in awe at what people have survived and escaped from. I feel like I'm seeing it around so much now. Do you find this? Perhaps because I'm more tuned in to it so people talk about it, or maybe I'm asking certain questions when I get the vibe from people that all is not well.
The above link included posters who witnessed/suffered dv as children. Could I ask you all for your advice on something? I mentioned my friend earlier who appears to be staying with her abusive partner. Earlier this year I was looking after her 8 year old ds. I was making him a drink and he said "Dusters, I don't really like my dad". At this point I knew his dad was a lazy arse, but not about the abuse. He then said that his dad had chased them around the house with a knife, because they were being naughty and he was cross. I was totally thrown, and asked him to describe what had happened. He said his dad was cooking, they were messing about, and he got cross and chased them with the knife in his hand. I asked him if he had felt scared, he said a bit. I then said d'you think daddy was joking. He was unsure. He wasn't tearful or distressed. I said have you told mummy, he said no. I ran it past a couple of people I could trust. Once said maybe phone NSPCC helpline for advice, the other said about kids having vivid imaginations and maybe it was just that.
In light of what I now know, and I have seen him physically recoil from his dad, I don't know what to do. Should I tell my friend? She's already mentioned that her solicitor had warned her that some of the things her dc have seen (him being drunk, sick, urinating, arguing etc) could call into question her ability to safeguard her dc. This may make her turn away from me completely. But I feel I've let her ds down. He trusted me to tell me but I've done nothing. If I'd felt he was in immediate danger I would have told her straight away. I think I should have told her then.
Just wanted to say about your feelings of guilt Lilac and Greencar. It's so unfair that you feel that way. I'm sure you know intellectually that you aren't guilty of anything, even if you don't feel that way. Trying to love somebody and create a happy family with them can never be something to feel guilty about. Even the putting up, ignoring red flags etc shouldn't be about guilt. We were all just trying our best but the cards were stacked against us.
Greencar please don't feel that you're not worth being treated well. If somebody treats you badly the fault lies with them. Most normal, healthy adults don't want to cause emotional pain to others. I tend to think now that I'm ok at being in a relationship, I just choose the wrong person to be in a relationship with! I bet you're the same - committed, faithful, positive etc. But like me you made a choice that didn't work out. Doesn't make you unworthy, in fact quite the opposite, they weren't worthy of your love and attention.
Name I think you're totally justified to not allow a whole weekend with your dc. So you're the one in control, not him. You're going to tell him how it's going to be, and why. Play these men at their own game. My ex thinks he's got one over on me at the moment in a certain matter. What he doesn't know is that I'm out manoeuvering him behind the scenes. He'll find out in a few weeks and there's not a thing he can do about it. I shall sit back and gloat, like I know he's doing now 