Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

[Lilacpink40]

Thred 3!

Love the image of you off your head on bogoff cocktails in Marmaris Chrystal that made me laugh

My two used to say they'd like a baby brother or sister. Now it's a dog. When they're arguing it's any other brother or sister than the one they've got . For me it's a dog !

Hi everyone,
I've just had some rather life changing news... My X sent an email to say that they are going home - back to their country of origin!
Didn't say when, but it will mean that there will be no day-to-day contact !
Probably no maintenance either but .. Phew. It's a lot to take in.
It's not a complete surprise as I have wondered since day one split if it would happen.
Anyone had any experience of this?

Blackberry daiquiris too lol god I'd kill for one now! 😂
2012 good news about your ex! Wish mine would feck off to the far end of feck! Lol

2012, excellent news, I may be slightly jealous!

2012 that is big stuff, isn't it. Was it you who posted a while ago that your ex had announced he might be moving away, but then nothing more had been said? Apologies if not. I can see it would be a massive relief for you, do your dc know yet?

2012 does anything worry you about the change or is it all good news?

I think your WN messed about with tax and money anyhow so wasn't helpful at financial support? (Sorry if got this wrong).

My DD wanted a little DSis or a dog. She got a little DBro, well third choice can be ok

2012, wow... I'd actually say that you are lucky.

How is everyone? I haven't been on here for some time but have been intermittently reading. I have a feeling that ex is brewing something nasty as I'm waiting for a response on something.

Could anyone recommend good, truly impartial mediators who can actually recognise a narc? The one I used has taken sides, his side and has said things which I think are not professional. This one does not recognise things in giving yet he does so little and us being made to sit on a throne. I'm just constantly scared.

CHRYSTAL; I've just read you're on a 2ww! Wow. How Do you feel?

How the OLD going (sorry I'm rubbish at remembering everybody's names)?

My ex pays a pittance of maintenance but it is fairly regular . Used to pay more but every month it's got less & less. every little helps so if it stop altogether I will notice the loss and it'll be another annoyance - plus I really don't want to let X "get away" with not paying anything...
I have no idea how it works with the csa getting money from someone in Europe? It sounds like it may be impossible as csa seem pretty useless inforcing it here !
Does anyone know anything about it?

Thanks HOMELY, DUSTERS, LILAC.
I'm Mostly relieved- as day to Day harassment will definitely be less/stop.
It's a bit Silly - but I'm Also scared! Then I really will be on my own.
Even with X - when Ds was there - I got a bit of an adult life back- when X goes- so will that! Until I can afford a baby sitters, try to organise mum friends to do baby-sitting swaps with etc.... so I am gutted about that.
X swans off free as a bird- leaving all responsibilities behind- I loose "my me time".
I'm also scared how Ds will be with it. I hope it doesn't have a negative effect on him!
P

Morning all. Can't help with the mediator or CSA queries I'm afraid. Just wanted to say I think I understand the part about you being scared 2012 Knowing your dc's father is in another country, for good, is a huge difference to being a crap part-time dad who is a car drive away. I know some women leave their dc, but the fact that it's not uncommon for some dads to move away from their dc is, I think, why threads like this exist.

I literally cannot conceive of moving to another country from my dc. The fact a parent can even contemplate this demonstrates where their loyalities really are. I'm sure a lot of them say "Oh well, she made it all so hard for me anyway, turned the kids against me, I hardly saw them, she only wanted my money...blah, blah, blah...." But to not stay and try and make it as good as possible, just gob smacking.

I don’t have real experience for advice for queries either, but 2012 once your DS is used to the change I expect things will feel less fraught in general. Through school you may meet mum in a similar position to swap babysitting days?

Homely sounds like your mediator isn't impartial. Have you asked solicitors in area or school if they recommend anyone?

I'm in such a confusing position at the moment. I really like new man. There are practical obstacles, but it feels different then other dates. Much more relaxed and real when I'm with him. Away from him inside my head it's like a self-sabatage or devils-advocate is on all the time. It's like I have to keep re-focussing on now and being ok. It has, however, helped me ignore ex with his silly games (I've given DD £30 today to pay for an activity that he said she needed to pay for). Anyone else found it hard not to build new relationships?

Ohb is letter going out this week?

Thanks so much DUSTERS . It so good to know that there are people out there who genuinely understand!
Yes - it's exactly that - X's loyalties are just to them-self - and that is it.
This act is final proof of that.
Actions speak louder than words.

2012 - my ex is meant to be moving back to the ME. It is great when they are not around I know it means being with the children 100% and no life of our own but it is good these twats are not about either, I don't get any maintenance never have and it is galling that they swan off with all the money and a free life but equally what do they have really?

Hey LILAC. I'm in awe and admiration at you dating. I think it takes tremendous courage. The devil voice in my head drives me crazy sometimes and I guess it'll take time to shut it up enough to enjoy life.
Perhaps it's good to have some kind of warning system in place so as not to get sucked in again to a w/n? Does anyone is your rl know /met him and you can ask for their opinion of him?

2012 I understand how you feel. A babysitting circle sounds like a great idea, so you can have some time when you need it. Try to focus on the positives, that day to day you won't have to deal with him. That does sound wonderful, right?

dusters did HJM man come round?

Sorry to have been quiet, I've been quite down. We've moved, which should be exciting but really I'm in pieces. It's further from WN (dreading his reaction when he finds out) but also from family and friends. Ironically v close to almost ex, more salt in the wound there and I'm getting increasingly upset about our lost pg again (sorry to bring a negative amongst so much pg positivity. Good luck to both chrystal and oh with yours). All I can think is that it shouldn't be like this, shouldn't just be me and DC, we should have a whole family. The financial abuse from WN has meant I have to do this, it's a stepping stone for the future as can't rely on him. Meanwhile he's there with his new house, new gf, multiple brand new cars, holidays galore. We haven't got any of that. He'll probably have another baby soon and I can't have that either. He always lands on his feet and I just feel so sad that I couldn't do better than him for my DC or create the family we should have had.

Sorry for the self indulgent outburst. Not sure many people in RL really understand.

for all of us dealing with these shitheads.

Oh GREEN . It really feels like shit sometimes doesn't it. I'm so sorry you're feeling so down.
It does seem like w/n land on their feet., it's really not fair. I'd like to believe they will,get unstuck in the end. I wish it would come sooner though.

Hi greencar I'd been wondering how you were. Sorry it's a rough time just now. Why will your WN be upset that you're further from him? Is it because he'll have to put a bit more effort in. Well, tough on him, tell him to get stuffed. Where you live is your business. I can see that everything you've said is so annoying for you. But the phrase "stepping stone" stood out. If it's a step away from him, even if it's a hard one, then that's good.

I know money makes life so much easier in so many ways, but you know who he is at the core, will his shiny manhood-mobiles really satisfy him? If the answer is yes then he's shallow and a WN ! I spent last night with some friends. We really bonded (sorry, hate that phrase) on a course a while back. We meet up from time to time and it's like we've never been apart. It was an intense course, so we know each other really well. We have such a laugh, and so much of it is about our exes.

One friend has an incredibly rich family member who supports them. Just as well as their ex moved abroad and is a feckless alcoholic. From the outside their life looks quite easy, but all the heartache, fighting, family rifts etc - you wouldn't swap in a million years. They said the family member is difficult and a bully. Not trying to be trite, and I know how galling it is that the men in our situations are invariably better off. But, I think it really is a veneer, albeit a comfortable one which does take away a lot of problems.

HJM didn't come around . I think it was due to the weather, and he is notorious apparently for not phoning, and just turning up! Note to self - red flag to go with the non-tea drinking! I would like to see him again, but after hearing internet dating stories last night and general men related anguish, the thought of our getting a dog seems the more attractive option !!

Oh, just to add a little rant of my own. Don't know if you remember my friend who's work-shy, lazy, emotionally abusive partner was having an affair? Last couple of times we've spoken on the phone she's mentioned nothing about the situation, just referred to him in normal terms.

Bumped in to them at a family thing last week. She was quite chirpy, he just about said hello, I'm sure he knew I know what's gone on. They were later eating together, my dd was with them. I actually couldn't bear to go in and play pretend happy families, so sent ds in to get dd and we went home. I haven't heard from her since.

I know it's so wrong of me to be cross with her. Going back to the financial situation, I can see why she feels stuck, and also because he's ground her down she feels she has little worth/choice. But I'm also so disappointed for her. He now knows he can do what he likes and she'll put up with it. I'll remain friends but I'm going to step back, as I can't trust myself not to say something to him. Since the whole thing with twat I'm very bad at putting up with things. Sort it, move on, ignore/block. Sounds so hard seeing it written down, but it seems to have become my default

Green I hope he chokes on his cavier while denting one of his cars, his GF realises he's a wanker, and in general he has a fall off his ego-based pedestal.

In case that doesn't happen, as dusters has said you can be the better person.

Dusters I actually felt my stomach twinge whilst reading about your friend. It's so hard to know someone is still going along with a lot of crap in the desperate hope it will be ok. I'd have to back away too. So hard to see!

2012 you're right. I need him to meet my friends before I'll know more. Good idea. May wait a few more weeks, check out the basics first.

That was reassuring to read you would back away too Lilac. I don't like how I feel about the situation, but I can't pretend otherwise.

Glad to hear that things are going well with your new man. I'm sure the whole self-sabotage thing is perfectly normal and understandable. No point in gaining all this insight through hard won experience, then not using it when you meet someone new. I don't think it means you will sabotage things, just that you'll protect yourself and always put yourself first.

Thanks Dusters, I think it's also damage done by OLD too. One minute you're writing to a man and the next he doesn't write for ages, but you can see is on the site (looking at other women). OLD makes relationships feel disposable and it's harder to trust if it's real.

I hope Mr HJ is in contact soon. It may sound strange, but with Christmas approaching even if he's interested he may not nake a move now. New dating around Christmas can be awkward!

As in he'll wait until NY

Ok ex is officially really out of his mind right now. He just called my OH's phone and then my phone (its half eleven here) and I called back and asked why he was calling this late. According to him he didn't call and the phone did it all by itself...!

That's interesting about OLD Lilac. One of the group of friends last night has had some good but also some dreadful experiences of OLD. But having said that, someone else in the group met her now dh through OLD several years ago, and is really happy and settled. He was the first man she contacted, they met a few days later, married 2 years later

My friend wants to get a group of us together who've never used OLD and have a drunken initiation evening ! I'm hoping today it was just the wine talking.

As for HJM, you're right that xmas is not a good time for starting anything new. I suspect it's also the first xmas since his split. I've started that thing recently where you say "yes" to any opportunity that arises. Nothing too scary yet, but it's interesting. I'm going to apply that to HJM - life is too short. It may well back fire, but if I don't try I'll never know.

What a shame those calls have started again Nats It's worrying that he's clearly lost the plot, or is just lying outrageously in the hope you think technology sometimes just does it's own thing !

OH reckons he might he taking some nasty painkillers to replace his cannabis that really mess the head up. Would make sense, his parents doctor friend prescribes him strong painkillers when he asks.

You taking the 'yes man' approach dusters? wish I had the guts to do that