Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

[Lilacpink40]

Thred 3!

Dusters 'you can't clap with one hand' I love that. Thanks.

Oo -er I have just had a slightly inappropriate thought of a thing these men can do with one hand

I forget where I heard it Purple, but it sums things up neatly I think.

Pretty sure I know the one handed stuff you're thinking of ! Probably fits in well with the pantomime character I forgot the other day "Widow Wankey" or should that be w**k ?!!

"Can't clap with one hand" YY. Will remember that one!

Mine will never say what they're doing either. Prick.

Sorry to have been quiet, been away for a few lovely WN free days. Just been trying to catch up, shaking my head at these dickheads as usual. to the lot of you.

While we were away I had a bit of a moment. Saw dad getting home, DC running up to greet him. I had to choke back on the tears as I realised my DC won't ever have that family moment again. I then realised it was rarely a 'family' moment anyway as I remembered the look of contempt I'd get, but still there were a few moments of grieving for the life we should have had.

I wonder if that will ever really go away.

But on lighter note, dusters WN panto (purple wtaf??!) had me laughing quite a lot

Green I've had similar 'pangs of pain' type moments. Seeing couples holding hands walking and their excited children running up to them. Parents together and communicating at parent's evenings. Recently had one of DS's friends around and he was telling me all the things his dad does when he gets home with him in front of DS. I could see DS thinking and he looked sad so I changed the subject.

Like you, when I look back I was glared at lots. DCs were shouted at most of the time. It wasn't as good as lots of relationships around that I can see. Just feels a shame that my DCs don't have the family unit that I wished we could be.

I know what you mean about seeing the life your dc should have. Twat was a pretty good dad, bit immature and selfish at times, but overall he was very involved with the dc. For me that makes it even harder to understand why he threw it all away.

Same pangs here. But overall it was such a 'wring' relationship there weren't enough good times to outweigh the bad. Years of wishful thinking.

At least getting out of it gives you a shot of finding the real deal with someone else and DCs. Stuck in that hell wasn't going anywhere.

That was meant to say 'wrong' it did 'wring' me out though

Oh that sounds hard if your ex was good with the kids. How did that play out with the separation/divorce? Did they get better or worse?
I don't have the pangs of wistful thinking yet. I wanted to get away from him for so long I almost feel like I am living my dream at the moment, as difficult as it is.

I was thinking my ex was improving towards the children, he was rubbish with them when we were together. He loves the youngest because she is still only 4 and very cuddly, but I think it's the gratification he gets from her iyswim.

It's been 2 years and we are still wrangling with courts but I thought we had managed to keep the children out of it mostly.

This weekends actions are a massive step back I feel like he has really knocked my confidence and is extending his busive behaviour towards the children. I'm sure he sees them as my allies as feels threatened by their allegiance to me somehow.

I'm almost hoping their relationship just fizzles out and stops altogether as I don't think the ongoing contact is beneficial to them. Eldest DD has said she doesn't want to go with him next time.

to the point about ex telling children where they are going - they do ask him ahead of time and he will say 'we'll decide later' or 'I haven't decided yet'. It's very interesting and a complete eye opener to know that other narcs do this too. I wonder if there is a name or term for it??

Name yes probably is, it comes under the general umbrella of control. My WN would ask me for extra things after he'd set off with DCs or tell them that they were inappropriately dressed (e.g. shoe type).

I tried giving him spare clothes to help and he sent them back. I now don't bother and try not to worry.

Yes I get messages every single time saying 'you didn't pack enough pants' or 'where are their toothbrushes'

This weekend even with him keeping them off school unexpectedly he still told dd1 to tell me I hadn't packed enough pants again.

Tescos is five mins down the road ffs. But poor DD becomes his messenger again.

Name 5 min and a bit of commonsense is beyond him. Plus he would lose a verbal weapon through DCs.

I still listen to Birdie's "Words as a weapon" even though I tent to get written hate now so it's a bit less upfront and agressive. I can usually get a hot drink and prepare before opening it. Using DCs is particularly sly as they don't know that they are being used in part of a twisted game.

I'm lucky in that I have my OH so DD gets those lovely family moments with the three of us.

DD has started asking to call dad again so she had a long conversation with him yesterday and another one this morning. He didn't start any arguments with me or try talking about visits so quite good at the moment. He asked me to order one of DD's nursery pictures for him but when he said he'd pay me back I had to choke back a laugh - he still owes me 100 euros I lent to him two years ago! I told him no and instead emailed him the link to order his own picture.

Apparently the Daily Fail want to interview me! Feel so dirty and wrong saying yes but they've been very decent about my brother so I don't think it'll be so bad.

Name you asked if my ex was a better or worse parent after our separation. I think he's a better parent to my youngest. He never really "got" him, still probably doesn't, but now he has less influence and spends less time with him they seem to get along better. Ex's narc father has very high expectations of how children should behave - think Victorian times! This rubbed off on ex, to a lesser extent, but he finds it hard to just go with the flow and accept them for what they are - ie not him!! Youngest is very strong and stands up for himself - I love it, ex hates it .

Relationship with eldest dc is pretty much the same. She's a bit of a people pleaser (though I'm working on that!) pliable, easy going. She's starting to see the difficult side to him, but she's pretty strong too so seems to be coping.

As regards WN's telling us/dc what's happening during their contact time. We're swapping days this weekend to fit in with WN plans, no problem to me. I've offered an extra sleepover which gives them an extra day with him, which also suits me as I'm out that night. WN knows if he doesn't have them I have to get a babysitter for the whole night, which means he can't have them. His response to dc "I'll have to check my calendar and get back to you."

To my knowledge he has never owned a calendar, and would have known yesterday what he's doing this Friday. His answer really means I don't want to help mum out, but will 'cause it suits me, but I'll drag it out a couple of days. So transparent.

The Mail article sounds interesting Nats . I wouldn't worry about it being the DF, they all have their own agendas and axe to grind. If it helps you and your family that's got to be good. I also didn't order school photos for ex this year, for the first time. If he wants to he knows where the website is, and he can pay for them himself.

So long as I don't have to do a Daily Mail Sad Face for it!

Hi all

I've missed loads. I hope everyone is managing to keep plenty of supplies of Wankaway to get them through the festive season.

I'm feeling a lot better these past few days - long may it continue.

Looking forward to a better year for us all (complete with a warehouse full of Wankaway products)

Glad you're feeling better frog

Welcome back Frog

hi everyone..
glad you're feeling better FROG.
I hate w/n's.

I've just had yet another financial blow from w/n. is this EVER going to end??????
how do you lot cope/manage? as I really can't anymore!
I am so fed-up with w/n and it is stressing me out beyond belief.
I was a strong-ish and confident person. I want her back and w/n gone. i feel so angry . i don't know what to do with it.
ds called me in tears last night .
i feel a bit lost as not many people in rl "get" it.
although, new-ish friend has come up trumps . X can pick ds up from friends house this w/e. it's such a relief and a really lovely thing for her to do.
I'm sorry to not be able to give much support on here, it really helps to be able to rant somewhere where people understand, so thank you .

Hi Frog hope you managed to finish your holiday, glad things are on the up.

Nats please, please do a Daily Fail sad face, it will be your greatest moment. Shame you haven't got your really long hippie style hair anymore, you could have sad eyes peering out from under the fringe

Hi 2012 sorry you've had more aggro from WN. Can you fight the financial blow, or is it a done deal? Great that your ex can pick ds up from your friend's house - she sounds like a star.

You asked how we cope? I feel fortunate in that I've been able to detach from my ex almost completely. Lots of this is luck - my dc are of an age where they can be dropped off/picked up and carry messages etc. Ex lives nearby (but not too near) money or selling the family home haven't been an issue (yet) and neither of us is with anybody else.

Aside from those practicalities, I've learnt from this thread to do two things. The first is to not see my dc as victims. They've been through a really rough time, but there are much worse things. I'm conscious of the effect it may have had/will have on them, but I'm not constantly trying to make up for it anymore. Secondly, I'm honest about my ex in an age appropriate way. I try to be fair and even handed, but it's not my job to provide a shiny image of their dad. They see him enough to form their own opinion.

Thanks so much DUSTERS .
i can't fight the financial situation, as on paper X is self employed and has rubbish tax return from last year ! X agreed one thing and is now going back on it and crying about not having any money etc... (despite going away over xmas, etc...etc..etc... same old rubbish). X also put things into my tax account last year also etc...
I just don't have the strength to fight X either. I hate that too. I feel weak and can't be bothered - everything with X is a fight and I don't want to fight. I wan't my life to be without that kind of sh...t.
I guess I will get used to this new life and hope that things become easier over time.
Thanks for the advice. I am going to keep going and make the life i want for me and my child.
i too feel the pain of not having the kind of family i imagined !

Shame you haven't got your really long hippie style hair anymore, you could have sad eyes peering out from under the fringe that would make a pretty good Daily Mail Sad Face!

2012 I think Dusters points very good. I know that my DCs don't see themselves as victims, but in stressful situations it is a risk. My parents split up, but it didn't hold me back. I had and have a strong mum

My WN has agreed to help a few days over Christmas when I'm working and DCs are off school. I know he should automatically help, but he only helped with childcare while I worked 4 days over the whole 6 week summer break and after lots of messages, so this is actually a big thing. I'm wondering if anything is behind it. Perhaps having them for odd days midweek gives him a reason not to see GFs family. He never wanted to see mine, so can't think he's any different with her (wanted his parents as they spoilt him).

Did he offer lilac? Or just not need much persuading?

I hate to be cynical (and I'm not, naturally, that's how I ended up here!) but I'd definitely be wondering what was going on!

Having said that if it is avoiding GF's family rather than anything that affects you then brilliant, winner for you!

I asked and he's picked 3 out of 4 days I offered him. One he has now said his mum will do, can I drop DCs to hers. The other two may get in the way of travelling to GFs family. They live hours away and so I bet this suits him. Suits me too so can't complain.