Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

[Lilacpink40]

Thred 3!

Thanks dusters that's hilarious!

My best mate always tells me I have to laugh about him and that is the best way through it. It's so bloody hard sometimes though

Not helped by the fact I have just discovered the Panto was on at 6pm. The party I wanted him to go to (and he could have just gone for an hour) started at 11.30am. He could have seen GPs and been back by 2 or 3?

What an absolute wanker. This is the problem with liars - you can't trust them.

Ahh, I stand corrected. There was one at 2. Could have been back for that though - if any kind of communication or negotiation has been entered into.

Sorry, couldn't resist

It is good to laugh when you can, but sometimes it's impossible I know. I'm not laughing about the form that Twat won't sign. But I'll be rolling on the floor when the DVLA fine him £1000 !

Like you say Purple, a quick adult chat and the day could have been arranged to suit everybody. But that's normal world, not WN world.

Dusters thanks for the distraction as it's good to have someone to text and plans to meet. Problem is that when I think about it, which I have a lot now, we both have baggage that makes me worry if this can continue . He had bad depression but seems very independent and communication with ex now fine. I have a WN, like carrying around some weird disease, and have to explain that I can't check simple things easily, e.g. childcare next month. I find myself having to try to explain that yes WN does see DCs, when it suits him, but no he won't show me any normality or flexibility as their main carer. Instead I get spiteful messages telling me I'm a bad mum, e.g. for not taking DS to doctors for a cough (seriously for a cough), I don't get them ready for groups early enough (as they don't have shoes on rest is done) or I've delayed forms (when his solicitor has not pased on updates).

The thing that really plays on my mind is if a new partner asks about how WN was physically. There are things that I only told my counsellor and even then not completely and I have blocked. If I'm asked I'm not sure what to say. Won't want to lie, but don't want pity or to do anything. It was always more coercise than obvious, e.g. never punched me. I know it's still wrong to enjoy another person being uncomfortable, but it's hard to explain. In theory I could be with a new man and have a relationship that continues and then how does it work if we have to be in the same room for DCs and he knows what ex was like. WN makes my skin crawl, I don't want to pass that on. I'm more worried now than with the man I dated for two months as this one is more direct and very honest himself. He was checking I was ok when we were physically together so I think would get angry about this. I don't think changing the conversation would work. Argh I just wish WN was just a regular twat!

Sorry for long post. It was good to write it down as thoughts going around in my head wasn't good!

I don't think you have to share anything with new man that you don't want to, for whatever reason, Lilac. You're dealing with these events in your own way, including counselling, you don't owe anyone some sort of full disclosure. Already you're anticipating possible outcomes of new man knowing how WN treated you. This is just another opportunity for WN to infect a new chapter of your life.

Personally, I intend to say much less about my past relationships should I ever get close to anyone in the future. Partly because so many people just don't understand this kind of thing. I now know why I found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship when I was younger. I don't need to share that now. I'm not saying I'd hide it completely, but it's done.

As for twat, another man would probably instinctively think why can't/won't she co-parent. I know why, everyone on this thread knows why, I don't feel the need to justify myself. We've often talked about whether we can trust again, and concluded that the person we can't trust is ourselves. I think I've over shared in the past as part of the whole rescuing/being rescued dynamic. I think I trust myself enough now not to do that. I don't think it's being dishonest, it's just self-preservation. I think in your case Lilac you can preserve whatever parts of yourself that you need to, to avoid WN casting a cloud over your future.

Dusters, that such good advice re the not sharing too much with potential new partners. Sounds a bit silly but I'd never thought about that. It's such a simple idea.

I agree its a good idea not to share too much about our WNs with new partners. I told quite a lot to my OH and he really can't stand to even hear my ex's voice on the phone when he's talking to DD and told me I need to keep him away from ex if he ever turned up at our house as he fears he would want to hit him.

Sorry things are worse 2012 :(

Welcome name your ex sounds like a prize twat

A bloody panto purple?! why do WNs get so much enjoyment out of ruining things for us and our children??

Though now I really want to go to a panto! Don't get things like that here, it's quintessentially British

How are you getting on today name?

Solicitors confirmed they haven't sent the letter yet, I've asked them to send it.

Well done Ohb. I know you're going to feel anxious waiting to see what his response is. But if he reacts as you suspect - angrily, sending abusive texts etc, that just demonstrates why the letter is justified. Hopefully he'll crawl back under his rock, as remember, he doesn't do legal bullshit !!

Thanks Dusters I was over thinking and over stressing and hearing that it wouldn't seem wrong to not share everything makes everything feel easier. It may sound strange but, like 2012, I didn't think of taking the approach of not saying much so my WN doesn't infect new relationship. Good idea Thanks for sharing your experience too Nat.

Ohb good letter will go and you are in control of it. I hope for you that he flips and directly sends abusive letter to your solicitor, i.e. clear evidence of his anger that he can't deny later (and no more stress for you).

Thanks all honestly don't know what I'd of done without the support of you all, and those on my other thread. And that of my definitely not WN DP

Nat DP and your oh would get on very well I feel. He bloody hates ex. He accused him of hitting me infront of DS (because DS at around 15 mo flinched when he waved his arms in his face )

It's been a long day today. I went to the school today and talked to the head, and explained why DDs are not at school today.

I actually burst out crying at the receptionists desk, she is lovely and I know her from PTA stuff but I've tried so hard to keep this side of my life out of the picture.

I still think people view me differently if they know I left an abusive relationship. Perhaps pity.

The head was lovely and I ended up telling her lots of things as I really wanted her understand why I hadn't picked up the DDs myself. She totally understood.

When I was explaining that ex was abusive she said 'but how? You are so strong?' I don't think anyone who has not been in this situation themselves can ever understand. I don't really know how it happened or continues for so long.

School rang ex (is it WN on here?) and he continued his lie, he said he is too ill to drop the girls to school and had called me and told me to make alternative arrangements. Wtf?! They weren't even with me!

But it was clear he wasn't planning to drop them so I went and picked them up. I had to call work and let them know, my boss was lovely and very shocked and told me to take care of myself etc. So I ended up crying on the phone to her as well.

Was 2h to pick them up, my dad came for moral support. They told me they had to have an extra night with daddy because daddy told them he is too poorly to drive, and mummy is too lazy to pick you up.

On the drive home I was pretty pissed off at what he said and I challenged it gently - e.g. You know how strict I am about doing your homework and getting to school on time do you really think I couldn't be bothered to get you. It was very gently but they started to put the pieces together.

As predicted dd1 is now very anxious about going to school tomorrow as she doesn't want her friends to know. I already called her school teacher and explained and she has been great and suggested we invent a tummy ache as a good excuse. I'll speak to them again tomorrow.

School have been magnificent throughout the last two years of problems.

I hope you are all well, it sounds like there are plenty of these selfish man child husbands out there.

Do any of you know any adult children of these narc parents? I often question how long the parental relationship will last and if I am doing the right thing by explaining and catching out exHs lies or if this will harm them in the long run.

So glad your dd's are home safe and well Name Their school sounds amazing, it must be such a massive relief for you to be able to discuss things with them. If it helps, I've burst into tears at the school office and with one of the teachers. Both unfailingly nice with me when it happened.

So not surprised that your ex (yes, some people use Purple's brilliant term WN) lied to the school and to your dd's about why he hadn't returned them. I think you were absolutely right to gently expose his lie. I've said on here before that I think not to do so is very damaging. Supposing you hadn't challenged it once they knew that you knew what had been said. If I was that age I'd worry that maybe you couldn't be bothered to come, and would be anxious about going again incase you didn't turn up next time.

I don't know of any adults where the narc parent(s) had split up. My ex has a narc father, but his parents are still together. He and all his siblings are messed up big time. They all have different issues, but there are common threads running through their lives. For example, a sense of self-importance, lack of empathy, over sensitive, addiction issues. They have a really complicated connection to their father, and his lies about how life is, how you should operate, have, I believe, damaged them. If they'd had someone to point out his lies along the way things could have been very different for them.

Dusters I agree, one regular parent being straight and fair with DCs can help. My ex didn't have that as his DM controls the world around her including ex DFs. He isn't allowed to see his side of the family, constantly accepts being talked down to and was never able to parent individually. I felt sorry for him for a while, but then I saw him back exMIL with horrible things and now I think he's made his bad choice.

Name you're the sane, responsible parent holding things together. Crying is normal as it's emotional abuse.

What a day name. You did the right thing. Don't worry about the school seeing you upset. But about the 'strong' comment. Ignorance. I would guess most of us come across as 'strong' females in the outside world. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Hope your DD settles back into school ok tomorrow.

Found the perfect card for us all.....

Can I have half a dozen of those Purple ?

Love the card purple need a job lot, one for everyone on here!

Supposing you hadn't challenged it once they knew that you knew what had been said. If I was that age I'd worry that maybe you couldn't be bothered to come, and would be anxious about going again incase you didn't turn up next time.

Dd1 is already anxious about going as she doesn't know where they will go - sometimes it's back to the mids where we lived, other times it's Kent where in his parents live but he will never tell them in advance. If they ask he says we will decide later. He used to do the same to me and it's really unsettling for the girls.

Next time I'll tell dd1 she doesn't have to go with him if she is feeling anxious, she just doesn't need to deal with it.

It's nice to speak to people here who get it and see it from a totally different point of view. Most people think you should cooperate after divorce for the sake of the kids and it's so hard to explain that you can't reason with a total arsehole like this.

Love the card! 😂😂😂

Name he sounds like a prize prick.

My ex's dad was a narc, his mum and dad split up when he was fairly young. Clear where he got it from.

Name My ex never used to tell the kids what they were doing on his weekend day. Often it meant they were inappropriately dressed, which as dd got older became more of an issue. I started to wait until she was speaking to him on the phone, then say ask dad now what you're doing this weekend, what do you need to wear etc? He now nearly always tells them. I think he didn't initially because he didn't want me to know what his plans were, ie what he was doing. He never shares much about his life with them for the same reason. Shame he doesn't realise I couldn't care less what he does, doing so just means he's not as close to them as he should/could be.

When people say to me about how I should find some way to co-parent, I say you can't clap with one hand. I see the smug, "I wouldn't be like that" look. I just think well, let's hope you never have to find out !