Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

[Lilacpink40]

Thred 3!

Ohb Just caught up with your thread about your ex and son. From my point of view, it looks like you've had some really excellent advice on there. Lots of MNetters whose names I recognise, and who have given great advice on other threads. It's also been useful to see other information you've given in your posts there.

Earlier I suggested offering the contact centre. I would not now make that offer, but instead allow the solicitor to send the letter already drafted offering nothing more at this point. I know you have your ds's best interests at heart, but, and I hope you don't mind me saying this, from your thread you are clearly terrified of your ex. I think this may be clouding your judgement, as you are still trying to appease him, worrying about what he thinks, says, might do in the future etc.

Reading his latest texts and messages you seriously have to stop any contact between yourself and him. I see in one of the latest posts you've now blocked him, I think you need to block every avenue of communication you have with him. Let the solicitor's letter tell him that your ds is the only issue between you, and therefore anything to do with him goes via her.

Your ex has told you he's not going to do the "legal bullshit". So he won't go to court. He won't even entertain a contact centre, think how much more straight forward and cheaper that is than court. But he still won't go. He's still abusing you, through your son. For good measure I'd report his threatening texts to the police, they can add them to his already considerable record. He doesn't deserve to be in your son's life.

So sorry you are suffering at the hands of this bastard. But you can fight back.

Ohb I haven't read your thread, but Dusters summary contains enough to show WNs contact has been highly negative towards you. It sounds like he wants to hurt you more than he wants to actually see his son. Blocking sounds like sound advice.

I'll agree with dusters! Haven't read your thread so don't know the full story (can't find it )

Thanks all, purple I'm not sure how to link a thread! Im on the app.

Hope you didn't mind me posting that Ohb, I know you hadn't sought my opinion. I just came across your thread, read it and felt so angry on your behalf

Dusters of corse not! If you know how to link it could you do it? All opinions are helpful!

Ex wants to see DS after a year of no contact.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2772037-ex-wants-to-see-ds-after-a-year-of-no-contact

Have I done it right?

Yes! Well done ! I will read in a mo.

So my news today is that DC home... from the weekend where he missed out on seeing ill GP and his best mates 5th birthday party... and guess what this big event was that tickets couldn't be changed for and was so important ??!

The Pantomime!! It is in until the 6th JAN! Hardly necessary for an end of November treat and WN actually had the paperwork from the school confirming that they are organising a trip to the Panto for them all too!

What an absolute wanker depriving him of party & GP for that! As if you couldn't rearrange tickets for something that has about another 50 shows ?!

Clarified exactly to me how the next few years of co-parenting will be with this absolute bastard. I cannot see any benefit at all in sticking around. Just need to do the research and find the energy and guts for pastures new.

Hi, I would like to join if you don't mind.

My exH has taken our children for the weekend, he sees them one a month on average. He was very controlling and abusive during our marriage, children are becoming less and less keen to see him but I do encourage them to go as I'd like them to be able to make up their own minds and not grow up to think that I stopped them from seeing their dad.

I left after he was violent, in front of the children, but showed no remorse. At the moment he is being very obstructive in court as we have financial proceedings underway. I now live in London and he lives in the Midlands. We have been no contact for 1,5 years, I only ever text him to do with children's visits. We never ever email or speak on the phone.

My children are 9, 7 and 4. He has them for the weekend and I asked him to have them home by 6pm as it's a Sunday and they have school tomorrow, my 4yo is in reception and she in particular struggles with late nights.

I have been laying down boundaries about this for so long, he has to pick them up and drop them off as he doesn't see them all month, he works and is loaded and needs to put the effort in. When the children are away I use the time to sleep, work/earn, and recharge myself. I am fighting court for access to finances, and he is also in arrears with CMS payments.

This weekend I worked all weekend and am still working now.

Him - I am at my sisters house. You can pick them up from here [she lives in the Midlands too, about 20 mins from his house, 2.5h from mine]
Me - I can't, I am not at home, by the time I get home and pick up my car I'll get yto yours really late, and DD aged 4 really needs to be back early enough for a decent nights sleep before school. Please can you drop them.
Him - I don't feel well. You can pick them up from mine [2 hr away]
Me - I've already explained it will be v late by the time I get to yours. If you are ill get someone else to drive you down. Or you can drop them straight to school tomorrow [He has never done this or been in their school ever.]
Him - no. Pick them up whenever you are ready
Me - no. I told you I will be late getting there and home. I'll leave it to you to do what's best for the children [trying to put my foot down with his stupid power games]
Him - you better tell the school they won't be coming in tomorrow then
Me - ok [trying to call his bluff]

That was the last I heard from him. It's now 7.50pm, the girls are usually asleep by now and ready for school tomorrow. I think he is going to not bring them home.

I know I can go and get them, but it then means he will call the shots every time and continue to do this. It's been so hard to lay down boundaries and get away from his controlling behaviour. I am working still but can't concentrate. I don't know if he will come.

I sound unreasonable as I am not going to pick them up, but he an abusive narc and it's so hard to hold my resolve. I can't believe he will deliberately keep them off school just to prove his point. It also means every holiday etc I will have to pick them up, which means he sits in our nice big family house whilst I do all of the running around yet again.

I am nervous that he won't bring them home this evening. I think I did the right thing in standing up to him.?

Hi name, welcome. You did the right thing.

Try and make the most of a rare night off and call the school first thing to let them know that they won't be in because their father didn't return them to you on Sunday night as arranged.

Sorry you are going through this.

Thank you Purple. I'm going to have to take the day off work tomorrow to go and pick them up I think. If he doesn't bring them home today he probably won't tomorrow either.

School is a very big deal to me, he knows this will be pushing my buttons.

My eldest DD is 9, she has been developing anxiety before visiting her dad, and she will be very upset if she thinks she is missing school tomorrow. She gets very anxious about upsetting teachers/breaking rules etc.

I want to go and pick them up, but it's late now anyway, so they won't get home till past midnight if I go.

I can't believe his power games are more important than doing right by his children. I could cry.

Feel quite anxious at leaving my eldest if she is upset, I don't want her to think I let her down by not coming to collect her.

She has already told me that she doesn't like going to see her dad, because of what he did to me.

I'm trying to keep things amicable for the children at least if nothing else, but this is past a line for me. I don't want him to see them again.

Purple what a bloody selfish bastard.

Name welcome but sorry youre here. Personally I would have gone to pick them up BUT that's only because at the minute I'm petrified of ex. In your situation I think you're doing the right thing. I'd phone the school first thing, and pick them up as early as you can, and take them for a nice treat

If you're feeling anxious then go and get them. They will sleep in the car and keep them home tomorrow if they're shattered. This isn't your fault it's his. Tell the school exactly why they aren't in.

I think I will let them sleep and get them in the morning - I don't think there is anything to be gained by picking them so late in the night.

I did consider going to get them much earlier, but its playing right into his hands. I thought I would call his bluff, but it's not worked.

hi everyone.
I have missed loads -
will read back and see how everyone is doing.
I'm crap! things with X keep getting worse. so I went to gp and will be referred for cbt and I'm on anti-anxiety pills (something I never imagined).
x is refusing to pay anything! ds has classes we had agreed to go half on and now X is saying a flat outright NO. and keeps changing all agreed times and sending lots of texts/emails. then saying they weren't changed, changing them again and going round and round in frigging circles.im exhausted and had enough.
I am ignoring all correspondence but - like many people on here said- I can't stand the thought of zillions of this on and on and on- how much more ??????
sorry to rant here, but literary - no-one in my real life understands any of this. no one understands how stressful this is...
sorry

2012 rant away. Sounds like a total dick. Saying that you wouldn't be on this thread if he wasn't! Have some

thanx ohb0... I sorely neeed that .
dealing with X is such a head-f..ck - I can't stand it.

Purple A pantomime ?! At the end of November ? If it wasn't so bloody selfish and ludicrous it would almost be laughable. I don't blame you for considering moving well away from his loathsome influence. Hope you get the chance to visit the GP who is unwell soon.

Name I'm sorry you're here too, but your ex's behaviour will fit right in. I agree that you've done the right thing in not going to collect your dc. From the moment he has them - and only once per month - they are his responsibility. If he lives 2.5 hours away he needs to have a plan in place to return them if he is unable to. And when did this mystery illness come on, why wasn't he making plans earlier? Would he do the same if the situation was reversed, I doubt it.

You do need to put your foot down, or else this will set a pattern. Your time is just as important as his. I also don't think you should collect them tomorrow, unless he is on his death bed and there is absolutely no one else who can help him. Why can't he come back on the train with them if he doesn't want to drive, sounds like the money won't be an issue? Why should you take the day off work.

If your dd has a phone can you speak to her and say you'll sort it all out with the school, so she's not to worry. This is classic rubbish parenting - totally unable to be flexible or put themselves out for the dc, just always putting their needs first. I'd be tempted to threaten his sorry arse, along the lines of, if you can't be trusted to return the dc, once a month, how can I trust you to have them again.

Hi again 2012 Sorry things have got worse. I can't remember all the details of your individual story, will have a read back. His behaviour sounds exhausting. Glad you've seen your GP though. The pills may not be what you want but if they get you through this patch it'll be worth it.

Thank you dusters and Oh. I am so bloody angry with him and my oldest DS is like Seriously? He made him miss a party and seeing GP for that??

On the plus side oldest DS (who is still refusing to see him or talk to him ) was dreading a bit this huge treat that was happening without him. He had all sorts of fancy ideas like the Legoland Hotel and was preparing himself to feel a bit pissed off and left out. But quite the opposite! A Panto isn't high on his list of things to do now he's 12 He said he was glad he didn't go!

Little DS also asked to go to bed early tonight as he was so tired because WN had made him do lots of swimming today. I told him that he should have told WN if he didn't want to and he said 'I DID tell him, but he doesn't listen'. Cue eldest DS saying 'well, now you know how I feel coz he doesn't listen to me either'. Maybe I will just sit back while WN hangs himself eh?

Good news is I took big DS to see GPs (and to the little party to drop off present) GPs were absolutely thrilled to see him and we had a nice time with them.

Sorry to hear the latest bad behaviour against mums in this group.

Purple are you thinking of moving a serious distance to get away from your WN?

Name does your WN (wank narc) have school uniform for your DDs? Just wondering if he's thinking he'll be awkward tonight, but take them in tomorrow morning...then again he's a WN so I'm assuming not!

2012 he sounds like such a twat. His debts will catch up with him, but is he self-employed and will lie about income? for you at the unfairness of this.

My WN has again told our DD that she must bring the pocket money that I've given her to pay for activities when she's with him. He's also told DS that I don't do enough homework with him, but then not done any with him for several weeks. I know that he's trying to push for a reaction. He hasn't had one for so long I don't want to crack!

"Look, there's a WN !"
"Where?"
"Behind you."
"Oh no he isn't"
"Oh yes he is"

I'm so glad your oldest DS saw the situation for what it was. I know we want our dc to like/love their dads, but when that option is taken away from them it's best they see the reality. I was thinking huge London show, or major sporting event. Not Widow Twanky at the local theatre with an ex-Neighbour's star

Definitely sit back while WN hangs himself. I'll bring the popcorn and we'll watch together!

Great to see you managed the visit and the party.

I can't stop thinking of pantomime titles now with WN in!! Like "Narc in Boots," "Wancerella," "Jack and the BeanWanc".

Lilac I'd forgotten about that matter with the pocket money - that's so mean and underhand. Maybe when it comes to Christmas your dd won't have been able to buy him a present, because she had to spend all her money on her activities with him ? Don't crack, it won't make any difference, he'll just smirk with satisfaction. Remember instead your afternoon of delight with your gentleman date, much nicer thoughts !

Dusters Jack and the bean wanc 😂😂😂