Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

[Lilacpink40]

Thred 3!

Well he did say you should have called round...

But no, maybe sweaty and red faced is not so attractive. I have a wonderful image of you in a slinky ballgown with a conveniently broken high heel at his door, but I can't work out a plausible reason for you to be sashaying down the street in such attire. Unless you happen to live somewhere very posh with a suitable venue?

Thanks guys.

Ex text me earlier asking about DS. Admittedly I may have been in a bad mood and been slightly harsh. He asked how DS was and how he reacted after the phone calls so I told him the truth. Said it was an extremely confusing situation for him and he was getting upset by it and asking a lot of questions I didn't want to answer.

Told me I should be telling him that his daddy loves him and that's all he needs to know, well, I thought I was restrained in my reply of informing him he doesn't know him and hasn't seen him for half his life so it's not that bloody simple. Didn't receive a reply

Dusters... but if you're sweaty and having a heart attack you may well need mouth to mouth

Or a shower...in which you'll need assistance in case you collapse again lowering the tone

oh I can completely understand your response and that it was very restrained. I've tried to point out similar to mine, in that he's not the one dealing with the consequences of his actions (also related, his complete lack of contribution to child rearing but fondness for telling me how I do it all wrong). No acknowledgment here either, not practical advice I know but maybe it helps to hear you're not the only one.

If he actually asked after DC I'd be worried what he was up to

Green good thinking!!

Exactly, he occasionally asks how he is but he's never satisfied with the response. He just can't seem to grasp that DS is a well behaved, happy little boy

Dusters me too but I think he's a gentleman really so prob won't come in for coffee but we'll know what coffee I'll mean when I ask.

Sorry my phone didn't update the last page so I missed posts.

OhB and GreenThese men that want mums to do the main childcare, accept their shit and then tell DCs that "daddy loves you" really annoy me. DCs have their own eyes, ears and brains, they're not daft.

Mine does the "I'm perfect dad" routine over the phone and when he picks them up, but they say he doesn't keep it up for long. He drops them at his mums when he gets bored. He didn't want them for a sleepover tomorrow, but my eldest asked as I asked her to. I felt a bit guilty as I know they'd rather be home, but I need some breaks too. Work has been manic, nearly full time this month so he can help.

Ohb I think your reply was very fair and appropriate. That's just schmaltzy nonsense about "telling him that daddy loves him." The kind of childish tosh you say when you don't actually have day to day responsibility for a very young child.

Loving yours and greencars comments re HJM. It's quite "naice" where I live, but think more tractors and wellies than ballgowns ! I'm seeing my friend tomorrow who told me about him splitting up from his wife, may need to discreetly ask a few questions.

I like that he sounds gentlemanly Lilac, maybe he'll come in for a "small expresso" as opposed to a full cafetiere

Ohb

I never never never tell my DC that daddy loves them. That's for him to do. If I tell them and he lets them down... and he will.... then I lied.

It's just the way I feel about it.

You've nailed mine there lilac

Liking the sound of the gentleman. small espresso

dusters can you be fetchingly smeared with a bit of mud that you're 'unaware' of, and then when he tells you and you vaguely smudge it about a bit more he can come and wipe it away for you...

dung good point. They need to show love not just say it, and that's their job.

Very good point dung I do tell DD that daddy loves her but also that he's ill and because he's ill he can't be a good daddy right now, but does feel wrong saying that.

Just waiting for my solicitor now...

Hope the solicitor has good advice for you Ohb

Just had a nice coincidence - decided to finally clean the house properly, first time since moving in, and just after I finished I got a phone call that some documentary people want to come and film me a bit more (already been filmed a bit, but in my old home) on Sunday and now my house is all nice and clean

Home now. The situation is a bit clearer.

She said we have two options

1. Write to him offering 6 weeks of indirect followed by 12 weeks in a contact centre and to review from there

1. Write to him offering nothing.

Each letter is also going to state that he does not contact me, and I'm not to reply to him.

Torn with which to choose, but she advised don't take him to court, wait for him to take me.

Ooh natsku that's good news

What does 6 weeks of indirect mean? I think offering visits at a contact centre is the best plan of action, as if he does take you to court it shows that you have been willing to enable an appropriate level of visitation.

He can write him a letter a week.

I'm leaning towards offering nothing... we're essentially offering the same as back in may and when he received that letter he chose to just shout abuse down the phone at my solicitors receptionist then drop off the face of the earth until now.

My worry is what happens after the 12 weeks, I'm concerned about the unsupervised when there's no court order in place

That is a good reason to be concerned. Hmm not sure what is best then.

Difficult one isn't it!

Oh didn't it say to review after the 12 weeks? That doesn't mean jump straight into full on alone access.

Chances are he would fuck up/let down etc during that time frame anyway from the sounds of it?

My view would be to avoid Court if at all possible - there would be a rubber stamped agreement for what it's worth but it is a fucking stressful and expensive experience. Let him drive down that road if he wants to.

Personally, I would have the solicitor write to him with the offer rather than nothing. It will be another piece of paper in your favour if you do end up in Court.

Also, I try to make decisions with DC imagination sitting on my shoulder as 16 year olds sometimes IFSWIM. It's an offer you have made officially. You have tried.

Hope that helps.

Yes it says review.

She doesn't think he will agree to it based on last time, however I'm not sure.

Honestly wish I could have someone make the decision for me. I don't know what to do for the best.

I think the contact centre is a good idea as it shows willing but when he next gets pissed off were right back to this same point again... same as if I offer nothing... seems like a bit of a catch 22.

I wouldn't write even OhB - just wait and let him take it to court if he's that interested, which I doubt he is.

Are Court going to stop him seeing DC? Is there enough evidence there?

Just worried they may see your lack of 'promotion' of contact as detrimental to the child and award him more than you are proposing right now?

I'm just playing devil's advocate after recent shit court experience! I'm just trying to pose the Q's for you. Not judging you in any way of course - I just don't remember your situation clearly.

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Bastards I hate them all!