Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

[Lilacpink40]

Thred 3!

Hi Purple sorry to read about the tickets affair, more proof if any was needed about how this is all about him and not the DC.

Like you dusters I thought about the tickets being a self-promotion tactic. Because let's face it: if he truly cared about their happiness he'd have at least tried to find a compromise himself without you having to do so. They push us into situations where we have to do their job only to sabotage it all anyway.

I'd do what dusters suggested about trying for both and if he won't be reasonable write it off to experience, see lovely GP when you can on your time and refuse all future demands for extras, shifting access times etc.
green was thinking about starting online freedom programme but have been short for time. Reading your posts makes me think I should make it a priority though. One of the greatest injustices of all this is that they leave you so worn down that it's much harder than before to trust and let go in love relationships. I've found that anyway, WN sensors working overtime.

I'm still waiting for update on x moving to a foreign country. No news since crocodile tears episode. Probably just assuming I'll make sure DS is fine with it since that's what I've always had to do anyway. But this time DS is older, pre-teen and needing his father, who was only ever consistent in being inconsistent

Oh greencar I'm so sorry that you've been through such an awful event. No wonder it's all been so complicated with him. But d'you know what I mainly thought when I read that post? I thought just put your arms around her you idiot, comfort her, be there for her even if you're a typical man and don't know what to say.

The fact he hasn't just responded instinctively, to you as another human being, when you've shared such a major thing is just . I know the WN legacy is to make us question things, but it sounds like he's given you good reason to.

Thank you dusters. That made me a bit teary because you've got it, that's all I want him to do. At first he did, he was great but now things are different and I can't help wondering if I've caused it in some way (WN influence alert). WN has definitely made things more difficult with his continued control and restrictions on me but I think the lack of trust in myself or ability to see clearly is the worst thing. It's useful to hear the thoughts of people who understand the complexities of it all in light of that, so thank you

Greencar ((( ))) - I think on here that counts as a (disallowed, frowned upon) hug - but they're my arms so back off MN police !!

Greencar is it possible that things have changed a bit because the initial part of the relationship is over and you are getting to know him more? That scares me with new relationships because it can all seem wonderful at the start and is very hard to judge reality - especially with WN clouds all around you

Purple I think you've raised a good point there. It is hard to know someone until you've seen them for a long time, and with the fear of looking for WN tendencies any change in behaviour can be worrying. I'm constantly looking for red flags on initial dates and can't imagine not looking for red flags.

Green do you have some time coming up just to see your DP away from regular life? I wonder if he's putting on a 'brave face' for you, while you would prefer to talk?

Thank you dusters, hugs are much needed and appreciated Any sign of HJM this week?

I know purple that's what terrifies me the most about the idea of starting again with someone new. How would I trust them? I already knew him very well with no pedestals to be placed on, although of course it's different when things move to this level and relationships inevitably change over time. I think this is something else though, to go from being very supportive to silence on the subject (which I took as a coping mechanism, although with WN it would've been conditioning/punishment) to saying he wants to see someone else he met once? And then no mention of that since

lilac you're right, a huge part of the problem has been lack of opportunity to do that. I don't even know if he wants to see me now, with the wtf situation above. That hasn't been mentioned since but who knows what's happening? All I know is I've got a difficult date coming up and the one person I need and thought I could rely on is emotionally withdrawn from me

Anyway, aside from my WN clouds (perfect description purple) of confusion, how is everyone else doing?Thank you dusters, hugs are much needed and appreciated Any sign of HJM this week?

I know purple that's what terrifies me the most about the idea of starting again with someone new. How would I trust them? I already knew him very well with no pedestals to be placed on, although of course it's different when things move to this level and relationships inevitably change over time. I think this is something else though, to go from being very supportive to silence on the subject (which I took as a coping mechanism, although with WN it would've been conditioning/punishment) to saying he wants to see someone else he met once? And then no mention of that since!

lilac you're right, a huge part of the problem has been lack of opportunity to do that. I think a conversation is needed, but I don't even know if he wants to see me now, with the wtf situation above. All I know is I've got a difficult date coming up and it looks like I'm doing it alone

Anyway, aside from my WN clouds (perfect description purple) of confusion, how is everyone else doing?

^ I have absolutely no idea what happened there!

Are you feeling strong enough to have a cards on the table talk *Greencar"? The emotionally withdrawn bit sounds difficult enough, but mentioning that he might like to see someone else, then just acting like he hadn't said it, I think that would do my head in.

I have seen Mr HJM out and about once earlier this week. He was out of context, and I kind of did a double take (I was driving). He may have seen it was me, don't know. Possibly coming tomorrow or Friday, haven't had confirmation yet, so we'll see. I went to the hairdressers earlier. Lovely chatty girl, and I realised it was the first thing I'd done for myself for ages. Just having someone brush and cut my hair was so nice, it made me realise how much you take for granted the affections of another adult. I may have to step up my game with HJM !!

However, as you've all said on the last few posts, trust is such a massive issue. I've already mentally noted a few red flags - including not liking tea or coffee !! How crazy is that.

Dusters yes Mr H-J update please

I have some news. I've had two good first dates in a row. Mon evening and now today. Seeing the first one this weekend. They both seem very honest as have said things that they didn't need to, but that aren't deal breakers for me.

Cross posts. I'm sorry to say dusters I don't understand how someone can live without tea. I need a mug-full to wake up!

Oo sounds promising Lilac

Wow, two dates Lilac, a choice, you are a legend !

And yes to the tea dilemma. That's why I could never do the Atkins diet - I couldn't give up tea !! If I go a day without it I turn into Gollum searching for "my precious". Maybe I can hypnotise him into drinking it ?

Dusters perhaps start him off with a lemon tea or mint tea and work your way up?

That's a possibility. He said he likes a pint so maybe I could ply him with alcohol and work my way up

I'm not sure I am strong enough dusters. Maybe once the difficult day is out of the way I will be, although I think WN is about to ramp things up again which won't help.

The no-tea Atkins diet sounds ridiculous. That is all. Going to have a cup now.

lilac that sounds great, do you have a preference out of the two of them?

(Just tried to post and lost it so apologies if I'm repeating myself)

I'' still reading.

Nodding along.

Shaking my head.

Signing up for a monthly supply of Narc-Wipes for everyone (I don't mind handing them out)

I'm just too frightened to post in case I'mm discovered after what happened last week.

Probably overreacting but keeping my head down.

Narc-wet wipes at the ready for anyone who wants some

X

((( frog )))

Frog I'll place an order please, can mine have scrubby bits to really attack mean stares and bullshit?
Make sure you keep a lot as sounds like you need it at the moment.

Green I like green tea with lemon, rather than lemon and ginger, mint very occassionally. Buttermint on the other hand tops them all (Twinnings, tastes anazing).

I have dispatched a tanker to you Frog containing industrial strength Narc Spray. Please feel free to use liberally, I can send another when it's empty. I may design a Ghostbusters style suit, Narc Busters, to wear when dispensing the spray, machine gun style.

I would love to be sophisticated and drink those herbal/flavoured teas, but I'm a straight down the line English Breakfast type. Love everything about tea drinking - cups and saucers, tea pots, tea caddy's, and of course biscuits to dip in

Oh my god lilac I LOVE buttermint tea!

The wipes. Can they be really rough scratchy ones? No nice soft Huggies aloe vera style wipes for WNs.

Hi all
Also checking in.
New job going well but have much less time to myself. Though got a massage in finally today. Much needed. So important to do nice things for ourselves ladies.

I'm booked to do Freedom program in Jan. Hopefully.

Sorry not getting back to you all personally.

Glad the new job's working out Dung. Massage sounds lovely. Have you ever had an Indian Head Massage, they're amazing. Are things still back on track with your date ?

Dusters nothing wrong with a regular brew, with multiple biscuits to dunk it's in my DNA I drink so much but buttermint can be a real treat on a glum day.

Green I was thinking wonder wipe style (rough and caustically strong).

Dusters, your suit could be covered in a layer of impregnated WN spray bumps? Test it out on new man, they start to itch and look guilty they've failed the test?

Hi Dung good you're back and finding good things to enjoy. Is the new job going well and any new men about? but WN goggles ready to analyse them first?

I like the idea of the suit with spray bumps. It would have to be very subtle, perhaps the spray would turn a certain colour on a WN, like when they mark bank notes !

Come on then Lilac, how many cups a day ? I have to confess to about 7 or 8. I've started using smaller cups in an attempt to cut down